But hey, it's the first time I've been able to really relax for the first time in a few weeks... which is a reason why I've avoided writing precaps for SmackDown lately. Trust me, you probably don't want to know what was on my mind.

But, whatever: tacos, booze, white cheddar popcorn, and the promise of challenging my plumbing later. You're welcome for that mental image, so let's roll!

Pre-Segment 1: This probably goes without saying, but as the New Age Outlaws hit the ring for their match, they do their full entrance including the “Ladies and gentlmen, boys and girls, children of all ages...” thing. Good stuff, and it goes over huge, as everyone expected it to. No disappointment here!

Segment 1 [Tag Match]: The Ascension defeats The New Age Outlaws by pin. Billy Gunn starts with the offense, and he's got all the momentum as he keeps Viktor contained. A tag out to Road Dogg, who takes a punch. He manages to fight out and hit his signature... uh... the... shaky knee elbow drop thing... God, why can't I remember the move's name? Anyway, he hits it, but then Konnor gets involved, and RD suffers the heel beatdown.

I think this went on a little too long, especially since both members of the Ascension pretty much stuck to basic headlocks and some basic strikes. RD finally got a hot tag, and Billy went house of fire, but whiffed on the Fame-Asser. Viktor tagged in Konnor and smacked RD off the apron, then they hit the Fall of Man on Billy. Pin, three, done.

Short match, but really, this was the only way it could go. The NAO loses nothing, the Ascension gains real credibility, and they help their heel personas. There were also no extracurriculars, so they just look straight badass instead of wannabes. Good stuff all around, and Billy Gunn still looks like he could hang with the guys nowadays. Hell, he looks like he's got less body fat than the last time he did a match in WWE. Dude looks fit and ready for a title shot.

Segment 2: Recap of the main event of RAW.

Segment 3: Triple H and Stephanie McMahon are chatting in the back as they discuss what to do about Sting, and the fact that no one has spotted him. Trips declares that he totally will kick Sting's ass if Sting arrives tonight.

Then Paul Heyman arrives and says that he's here to totally solve all The Authority's problems. After all: Authority had issues with John Cena, and Brock Lesnar was the solution. Heyman has issues with the main event title match tonight, but Lesnar is the solution. And if Authority doesn't like Sting, the solution again is Lesnar.

Heyman walks away without elaborating, but Trips and Steph consider it. Meanwhile, I consider my chocolate beer... weird. I've had worse, and I like it better than I do fruity beer, but... it's not great. [Ed. Note: my guess is it's basically Guiness, with a different marketing campaign. A way lamer one. But there's also a reason why nobody I know ever drinks more than 2 Guinesses in a sitting. It really just doesn't stand up to "session drinking."]

Segment 4 [Tag Match for the WWE Tag Team Titles]: The Usos defeat The Miz & Damien Mizdow by pin, and retain. Miz and Jey to start with short exchanges of blows, as Miz is too concerned with the fans (who won't stop cheering Mizdow and won't stop booing Miz) to concentrate. Jey takes control early and tags out to Jimmy, who eats a jumping clothesline when Miz gets it together. But Miz screams at the crowd again, giving Jimmy a chance to deal with him. Even as Mizdow crotches himself on the top rope, Mizdow mirrors it, then sucks up the cheers with a big smile.

Miz takes control when he dodges a charge, but it appears to be a minor botch as Miz throws Jimmy against the ropes rather than through them, and it looks pretty painful. Miz continues the short heel beatdown, resting to consider tagging in Mizdow, but doesn't. But all that screwing around gives Jimmy a chance to recover and tag in Jey.

Jey goes house of fire and keeps Miz completely contained. Mizdow makes a save for his team but gets launched from the ring for his efforts. An exchange of blows, Jey blocks a kick and reverses it to no-look enziguri. Jey comes flying out with a suicide vaulting dive, and Jimmy follows suit but lands badly. All four men down.

Back in the ring, Miz and Jey (the legal men) exchange some spots, with Miz hitting the Skull Crushing Finale clean. Jey kicks out of the pin attempt, then beheads Miz a superkick on a charge. He goes for the pin, but Mizdow makes the save. Mizdow then flings Jimmy shoulder-first into the post and hits Jey with a second Skull Crushing Finale, but again Miz can't close the deal. More tellingly at this point, the crowd is cheering Mizdow even over the Usos.

Everyone takes a breath. Miz pulls Jey to the top rope and teases a superplex, but Jey fights him off. Mizdow distracts Jey, giving Miz a chance to reset and try again. Jimmy tags himself in. Jey is able to hit a powerbomb, and Jimmy follows up with a top rope splash. That's all she wrote, and it was a fast, action-packed match. Good stuff.

Segment 5: Renee Young, Booker T, Corey Graves (who?) [Ed. Note: NXT.], and Byron Saxton comprise the expert panel. They blather about the Royal Rumble and the title match.

More importantly, they talk about the pre-show match, where Tyson Kidd and Cesaro beat The New Day; I didn't get to see it. Shockingly, the crowd was screaming in favor of Cesaro and Kidd. Why? [Ed. Note: Philadelphia.]

Segment 6: Jamie Noble and Joey Mercury are playing WWE's new iPad game in the back. Seth Rollins arrives and screams at them for wasting time with games when they should be concentrating on dealing with Cena and Lesnar. Rollins declares that he refutes the nickname of “The Future of WWE” now: he wants to be the “Here and Now.” We'll see if he can do that.

Segment 7 [Tag Match]: The Bella Twins defeat Natalya & Paige by pin. Open offense as all four women exchange some blows in various matchups. The highlight was a double vertical suplex by Paige and Natalya where they held Brie up a good five or six seconds before dropping her. Paige attempted a pin Brie from there with a slithering missionary mount, making the crowd and possibly me happy and jealous.

More quick tags from the ladies on both sides, though the Bellas use head- and neck-targeted offense to Natalya, keeping her controlled but to a dead crowd. It goes punchy-kicky-necky from there, with Brie being a taunting jerk too as she yells at Paige while attacking Natalya.

Natalya finally gets her hope spot by hitting an electric chair drop; they tried to have her dead-lift Nikki, but it didn't quite work smoothly. Regardless, Natalya did hit it, but she couldn't do anything with her chance. However, she dodged a couple more blows from both Bellas, defending a cheap shot attempt in the corner by elbowing Brie off the apron. As Natalya managed to get herself together, she tried to tag in Paige, but Brie pulled her off the apron from the outside. With no one to tag, Natalya was vulnerable. She was taken down with a forearm and pinned.

She was taken down with a forearm and pinned.

She was taken down with a forearm and pinned.

…Nope, even writing that three times makes it just as stupid.

Segment 8: Montage of several WWE dudes talking themselves up to-camera about their chances in the Royal Rumble.

After that... whoa, time for the title match already? Eh, I guess it is about 9pm. Throw in slightly more than an hour for the Royal Rumble at the end, entrances, probably another match I'm forgetting... yeah, this timing makes sense.

Segment 9 [Triple Threat Match for the WWE World Heavyweight Title]: Brock Lesnar pins Seth Rollins and outlasts John Cena, and retains. Excellent match, definitely the best so far in this young year. I'm sure it can and will be topped in WrestleMania, but it's probably going to be in the conversation when Match of the Year is discussed in eleven months. Holy shit.

Match starts with Rollins bailing. Lesnar looks a little confused, but ignores them as he his Cena with two German Suplexs. On the second, Rollins tried to get in and go for... something. Lesnar snatched him and teased an F5, but J&J were there to stop him. J&J paid for it, getting hit with simultaneous German Suplexes. Lesnar beat on Rollins a bit, and when Cena tried to intervene, another German Suplex was his price.

Cena and Rollins oversold as they laid around, allowing Lesnar to stalk his victims. He goes suplex-happy, giving each guy a bit of a throw with each one just to add to the damage. The fans, who apparently dubbed Lesnar as the favorite, started up an “E-C-Dub” chant as Lesnar applied a kimura. And then Cena freaking deadlifted Lesnar up, but couldn't do anything more as Rollins came off the top rope and delivered a flying knee to basically both guys at once.

Rollins on offense as he punched the hell out of Lesnar. Cena recovered as well, and they had an uneasy alliance as they both beat on Lesnar. Cena even hit an FU, but Rollins tossed Cena, went for a pin... and only got a one-count, despite that FU. Good lord. Lesnar then got to his feet, fought off both guys, and went back to suplexing the shit out of everyone.

Cena and Rollins went outside. Lesnar exited to chase them, but Rollins sent Lesnar into the stairs. Lesnar sold the arm as he banged it against either the stairs or the post. Cena followed up on Lesnar with a dropkick to the arm (using the steps for an assist), then chased Rollins to the ring. Cena had the offense from there to massive boos, but when he tried a second attempted Five Knuckle Shuffle, Lesnar recovered and slid in the ring, then hit Cena with two more Germans.

Rollins “saved” Cena on the third attempt, then literally kicked Lesnar out of the ring. Rollins went for offense from there against Cena, including a failed pin attempt.

Rollins maintained momentum, including a flip neckbreaker off the middle rope, but Lesnar broke up that pin attempt and took control again with punchy-kicky offense. He tossed Rollins, and Cena managed to floor Lesnar thanks to a few clotheslines. Rollins dragged Cena out of the ring, then tried a top rope something, but was caught and ate an F5. Lesnar went for the pin, but Cena broke it up at 2.999. Damn, that was a beautiful sequence.

With Rollins down, Lesnar went back to the Germans for Cena. However, he didn't feel like finishing off Cena despite the guy being laid out. Lesnar exited the ring and cleared off the Spanish announce table, then went back in the ring... Cena hit an immediate FU out of nowhere, but Lesnar popped up to his feet. So Cena hit him with two more FUs... and still kicked out of the pin attempt. Rollins pulled Cena out of the ring, hit Lesnar with a Curb Stomp, and Lesnar still kicked out. Jesus.

Lesnar exited the ring to catch his breath. He stayed near the timekeeper's area. Cena exited the ring and tackled him from the back, driving them both through the barricade. Cena was on wobbly legs as he started to get in the ring, but Lesnar kept moving, so Cena grabbed him and threw Lesnar full-speed into the steps.

Lesnar continued to move, so Cena grabbed the top steps and smacked them into Lesnar's face, sending him laid out on the Spanish table. Rollins recovered by then, knocked down Cena, then spotted Lesnar on the table. Rollins noticed this, decided that gravity could go fuck itself, then flew from the top rope with a long elbow drop. The table was no more as the fans fired up a “This is awesome!” chant.

Cena is the least damaged of them, so he smacks Rollins a couple times before flinging him in the ring. Rollins tried a quick small package but failed, and Cena tried a pin of his own but failed.

Pregnant pause as everyone tried to recover. Rollins went for a jumping something, Cena reversed it to an FU attempt, Rollins landed on his feet, Cena hit a sit-down powerbomb. Pin, but only two.

Meanwhile, Heyman starts screaming for a doctor for Lesnar as Cena and Rollins take their fight to the middle rope. Cena wants a superplex, but Rollins fights him off. Rollins tries a sunset flip, but Cena holds on. Rollins yanks him off and does his corner-to-corner running powerbomb. Pin, but only two.

At this point, WWE Network couldn't handle the awesomeness and started fucking up, but I think nothing happened but replays in the few seconds' of delay. At least, it seemed so, as Rollins and Cena still tried to find their feet. Rollins went for a Curb Stomp, but Cena caught him in the STF. Then J&J arrived to stomp the shit out of Cena, breaking the hold and giving Rolling a chance. Meanwhile, EMTs arrive with a gurney to deal with Lesnar.

In the ring, J&J help Rollins perform a triple powerbomb on Cena, though Cena kicks out. Rollins takes a moment to survey the scene, then calls for his Money in the Bank briefcase to use as a weapon. He charges Cena, but Cena back body drops him over the top rope. J&J pop up in, but Cena FUs them together. Rollins slides back in the ring, Cena hits him with an FU too, but still only gets a two.

Rollins and Cena exchange blows as we're told that Lesnar has “at least a broken rib” as EMTs continue to work on him. Rollins gets the better of the exchange in the ring and even hits a Curb Stomp, but Cena kicks out of that too. The fans stop booing; they're pretty much cheering for everyone, which is good.

Rollins positions Cena in the ring, considers things, then goes to the top rope. He comes off with a corkscrew moonsault and hits it clean. But then Lesnar arrives and German Suplexes Rollins and Cena. He goes for another on Rollins, but Rollins tells gravity to fuck itself again, and he lands clean on his feet. He finds his briefcase and tries uses it as a weapon. Rollins tries a Curb Stomp, but Lesnar dodges it and catches him with an F5. Pin, three, done.

Good lord... It lasted like 30 minutes but felt like five with how fast the action was, aside from the slow-burn drama at the end, which was well done. Very, very good work.

Segment 10 [Royal Rumble]: As always, I'll be recapping this in “real-time.” Rick likely has the winner on the front page, but I'm writing this as they come out. Each paragraph therefore is about 90 seconds. Entries are bolded, eliminations are underlined.

Entry #1 is The Miz, and Entry #2 is R-Truth. Exchange of blows and near-eliminations, but no real progress.

Entry #3 is... Bubba Ray Dudley? What the actual fuck? Massive pops, and BRD absorbs the cheers as he gets in the ring and beats the holy hell out of Miz. I'm happy with a surprise entry this early! Apparently this is BRD's first Rumble, and he beats on Miz while Truth hangs out on the top rope. Then BRD, with a distinct lack of Devon, pulls Miz's legs over his feet, and Truth hits a headbutt to Miz's crotch off the rope. BRD wants tables, but Miz tries to stop that mess from happening. Doesn't matter: BRD and Truth work together to hit a 3D, then eliminate Miz. Then Entry #4 starts his entrance, and BRD eliminates Truth too. Whoa.

Entry #4 is Luke Harper. After a pregnant pause, the guys just beat the shit out of each other with punchy-kicky. It's open offense as BRD can't hit the Bubba Bomb, but does hit a falling clothesline to put Harper down.

Entry #5 is Bray Wyatt, who broke my TV with his Titantron. Once my bandwidth materializes, he does his full entrance, including the lights out, the lantern, and the fireflies. BRD is standing as Bray gets in the ring, and Harper recovers. The two former “family” members reunite as they beat the hell out of BRD, and Bray tossed him. Harper and Wyatt stared at each other and chatted for a bit, and decided not to engage each other.

Entry #6 is Curtis Axel, who suprisingly doesn't look nervous... oh wait, then Erick Rowan appears and flings Curtis Axel into the barricade, then jumps in the ring. Rowan screams at Harper... who tells Rowan to attack Wyatt. Rowan believes him, but Harper attacks him anyway, and Rowan tries to attack both of his former buddies. Rowan starts to eliminate Harper, and Bray dumps them both over. Rowan was never official, but Bray does eliminate Harper, so Bray stands alone. I guess Axel already called it a night.

Entry #7 is... the Boogeyman? He's wearing a ridiculous wig, and he smashes the clock on his head as he dances to the ring. Michael Cole quips that this is the Eater of Worlds versus the Eater of Worms. Wyatt looks to the Boogeyman as a long lost brother, and they starting have a weird-off with crab walks here and foaming mouths there. Once they engage, Bray takes Boogeyman down with a clothesline and chucks him over the top rope. Welp, that was easy.

Entry #8 is Sin Cara. He uses his speed to keep Bray disrupted at first, but it doesn't last long. One Sister Abigail either, and Bray tosses him for his fourth elimination. If you drew “5” in Rick's Royal Rumble game, you're really happy now. Bray is so bored at this point that he grabs a mic and starts singing “The Whole Wide World” after declaring that the ring is all his this year.

Entry #9 is Zack Ryder, and I'm glad to see him back. He's apparently been out due to rotator cuff surgery. Zack goes house of fire and hits a stupid-awesome high-angle dropkick off the middle rope, and he hits his running knee. But then Bray eliminates him without any strikes or setup.

Entry #10 is Daniel Bryan, who gets massive cheers as he goes house of fire to Bray with a thousand running dropkicks and Yes Kicks.

Entry #11 is RRRRRROOOSSAAA. Or Fandango, I guess. Anyway, Fandango hits the ring and tries to repeat DB's house of fire offense, but doesn't get very far. DB confuses him with an airplane spin but can't toss him.

Entry #12 is Tyson Kidd. Kidd hits the ring and goes after DB with a springboard dropkick, then starts beating on Wyatt. Fandango then attacks Kidd, but is quickly contained by Kidd and DB. Kidd and DB exchange blows while the other two stay down. After they hit each other with a double crossbody, all four guys are down.

Entry #13 is Stardust. He alternates targets but manages to deliver blows each of the four guys. Cute spot as Stardust tries to eliminate Fandango, but can't because he skins the cat; and Fandango tries to toss Goldust, who responds with a skinning the cat of his own. Daniel Bryan then eliminates Kidd by back suplexing him over the top rope. DB then flings Bray through the ropes, then does a suicide dive through them. They battle outside the ring as the next entry comes.

Entry #14 is... Diamond Dallas Page! Yay! DDP slides in the ring just to get shit-stomped by Stardust. DDP hits a Diamond Cutter to defend himself, but Fandango attacks DDP to keep down. Fanny teases a leg drop off the top rope, but DDP crotches him on the rope... then hits a Diamond Cutter while Fanny was on the top rope. Damn. Bray recovers by then and slides in the ring to assault DDP while Bryan is still wounded outside the ring... but DDP is a vet and hits Bray with a Diamond Cutter too. DDP is the only one standing.

Entry #15 is Rusev, who plants the Russian flag before hitting the ring. DDP tries a Diamond Cutter on him too, but Rusev defends himself. Rusev then eliminates DDP and Fandango with two quick tosses. Bray gets in Rusev's face, but DB comes off the top rope with a dropkick to take both faces down. He does the Yes Kicks to both guys, though Bray catches the last one. Rusev side kicks DB, then chucks him over the top. DB catches himself on the apron and defends himself from Rusev's follow-up, but Bray forearms DB in the face to launch him off the apron. Whoa, DB didn't last nearly as long as I thought he would.

Entry #16 is Goldust, who goes after Bray and even teases a Shattered Dreams. However, Stardust catches him and tries to chuck him. Goldust saves himself and gets in the ring, then almost eliminates Stardust after slapping him. Heh.

Entry #17 is Kofi Kingston! I'm always happy to see him, even though the fans boo the shit out of him. Did I miss something, or is his new character just not clicking. [Ed. Note: the faux optimism of the New Day is clearly not getting over. The only question is if WWE is PURPOSELY doing it so that the group can be Rocky Maivia 2K15, and turn over a dark leaf.] Bray tries to toss Kofi presently, but fails twice without a high spot. Kofi takes Bray down, then “saves” Goldust by attacking Rusev for no apparent reason. Rusev doesn't take kindly to that and starts attacking him again. The fans chant for Daniel Bryan, but he's already in the back.

Entry #18 is Adam Rose, sans The Bunny. During the entrance, Rusev threw Kofi out of the ring, but he lands on the Rose Buds! The Rose Buds deliver Kofi back onto the apron. Rusev then flings Adam Rose in the same place, but the Rose Buds have left already, so Rusev eliminates Rose. After a moment, Rusev chucks Kofi again, who saves himself on the apron, but Rusev side kicks Kofi to the floor. Huh.

Entry #19 is Roman Reigns, who enters through the crowd. Gold & Stardust are on him in a flash, but Reigns isn't taking that shit and fights them both off while charging Rusev and Bray when he gets a chance. Reigns then eliminates Goldust, shortly followed by Stardust. The crowd... boos? They're certainly not cheering. Weird. [Ed. Note: in that case, apply for a job at WWE HQ, Pyro. Reigns would have gotten booed in most cities, the longer he lasted. But in Philly, yeah, booed from the get go. There's no excuse for WWE not anticipating this.]

Entry #20 is Big E, who also enters to boos. Huh. The crowd seems absolutely deflated since DB was eliminated. I get it, but I'm just surprised. Big E goes after Rusev and takes him down but can't eliminate him. All four sort of settle down as they pair off. It's odd that we haven't yet had a “clusterfuck spot” where there's like eleven dudes in the ring beating the shit out of each other. The most we've had in the ring at once so far is five. That's... kinda weird. And the fans are booing the fuck out of the whole match at this point. Whoa.

Entry #21 is Damien Mizdow, but he only gets to ringside as Miz comes down the ring and orders him to go to the back. Miz insists that this is his spot, but as he gets on the apron, Reigns punches him off the apron. Mizdow doesn't know what to do... but decides finally to enter for his own anyway. He takes down Bray and Big E, but Rusev grabs Mizdow from the back and chucks him. Miz is still sitting at ringside seething, so Mizdow plants ass to mimic him. Heh. Crowd goes back to hating everything from there.

Entry #22 is Jack Swagger, and the crowd remains mild. He hits the ring and starts kicking everyone he sees, taking particular mind to Rusev. Swagger tries to toss him, but can't deal with his weight. Reigns and E pair off, as Swagger and Bray take turns beating on Rusev and each other.

Entry #23 is Ryback, who goes after Rusev. Others try to get involved, but Ryback controls everyone, even putting down Reigns. He calls for the Meathook Clothesline and beheads Rusev, but can't toss him, since Rusev basically goes boneless as he approaches the ropes. Good tactic. Bray then attacks Ryback from behind, and everyone pairs off again. Finally, the ring looks like it's filling up.

Entry #24 is Kane, only two eliminations from breaking Shawn Michael's all time elimination record. Kane attacks every face he can get his hands on, then tries to toss Ryback. It doesn't quite work for him, but he still maintains the offense.

Entry #25 is Dean Ambrose, and the crowd finally wakes up and takes interest. He goes right after Kane with a Lou Thesz Press, though Bray “saves” him. Ambrose takes down Bray though, no-sells a punch from Rusev, and takes the Russian down. Kane tries to attack him, but Ambrose defends himself with a top rope... uh... it's basically a weird-angle cross body, though it looked like he tried to jump into Kane's arms as if Kane was carrying him over the threshold. I hope Ambrose never does anything “normal.”

Entry #26 is Titus O'Neil. He walks to the ring already pissy, and even Pissy Ref is there to be confused. Titus gets in the ring and is supposed to be eliminated immediately, but he botches it; regardless, Reigns and Ambrose assist each other in tossing O'Neil. Everyone else just settles down as they beat the crap out of each other and tease eliminations, but no one gets a payoff.

Entry #27 is Bad News Barrett, who hits the ring and kicks all the faces. With nine guys in the ring, it's less the usual clusterfuck and more that everyone just sort of leaning on each other. Everyone looks more tired than you would think in this situation. The crowd is pretty dead too. I'm not sure if one relates to the other, but man... this just doesn't feel as “hot” as it could.

Entry #28 is Cesaro, who the fans give a light cheer as he hits the ring. He attacks the faces as well, and he's got tons of energy, but again, no one is really matching him, certainly not the crowd. Rusev chucks Big E to the apron, and after some teases, he dropkicks E off the apron.

Entry #29 is Big Show, which means #30 will be Dolph if my math is correct. Show hits the ring, and everyone except Bray and Kane piles on him, but Show fights them all off. Show even chokeslams Reigns. Kane and Show work together to eliminate Ryback, and then Show eliminates Swagger by himself. Kane and Show work together to attack everyone as the final countdown ticks down.

Entry #30 is indeed Dolph Ziggler, who beelines to the ring. He slips out of a chokeslam attempt, then attacked Show and Kane, even hitting double DDTs. Barrett tried to charge him, but Dolph dodged and kicked Barrett off the apron to eliminate him. Cesaro busts out a Cesaro Swing to Dolph and tried to clothesline him over the top rope, but Dolph saved himself. When Cesaro tried to follow up, Dolph pulled him over the top rope, and they fought on the apron. After a tease, Dolph side kicks Cesaro off the apron.

Dolph spots Kane across the ring and charges him. Kane dodges and chucks Dolph to the apron, but Dolph hangs on and kicks Kane. Then he goes to the top for a top rope something, but gets knocked out in midair by Show's fist. Show and Kane then pick up Dolph and dump him over the top rope, and Kane breaks the record. Then Kane adds to it as he and Show dump Bray Wyatt the same way.

Final four are Show, Kane, Reigns, and Ambrose. The former Shield members decide to go for a temporary alliance, and they pair off. Back and forth strikes as Reigns hits Show with a Superman Punch, and the faces try to get rid of him. But Kane breaks it up, and the faces hit the canvas as Show and Kane beat them down. That includes a chokeslam to Ambrose. Kane and Show then dump Ambrose over the top rope.

Final three are Show, Kane, and Reigns. The fans start up a loud “Bullshit! Bullshit!” chant. Kane and Show just shit-stomp Reigns, then go for the elimination. But Show sort of “helps” Kane over the top rope himself. Kane defends himself, then gets in the ring and the heels start attacking each other. The fans boo the hell out of it, and they grab each other's throats. As they struggle to the ropes, Reigns runs over to eliminate both.

Your winner of the 2015 Royal Rumble is Roman Reigns. But it doesn't feel like it, because there's no music, and there's no excitement or cheers from the crowd. Then Show and Kane enter the ring and keep beating on Reigns.

IF YA SMELLLLLL... and The Rock hits the ring and helps Reigns out, beating the shit out of both heels. People's Elbow, Superman Punch, the two clean house. The Rock leaves.

And then... uh, Rusev comes back in? Oh, he went out under the bottom rope and hid under the ring at some point? Shit, usually I can keep track of that. Rusev tries a charge, but Reigns chucks him anyway.

Your winner of the 2015 Royal Rumble is still Roman Reigns, for real this time. The Rock slides in the ring and celebrates with Reigns, including hugs and arm raises. Triple H and Stephanie McMahon pop out of the back to give angry looks. Rock holds up Reigns's arm, which just draws massive boos; Stephanie broadly gestures to the crowd, but it doesn't phase Reigns. Trips and Steph back away angrily, and The Rock vacates the ring so Reigns can point to the WrestleMania sign. Still boos, though.

Final Thoughts: I don't know, man. It was fun, but there was definitely something missing. No matter how much WWE wants him to be, Reigns isn't the #1 face, and even arguably may not be the #5 or #6 at this point. And without that firm fan favorite, the crowd was just dead. I know I kept mentioning it, and I normally don't like to bring them too much into the recaps, but they really did make a difference tonight. It could be because they were in Philadelphia, which explains the “E-C-Dub” chants and their total disinterest in the sizzle that WWE insists should be out front. Philly crowds want the steak, which Cena, Lesnar, and Rollins delivered; the Royal Rumble didn't manage to match those expectations. I'm not unhappy with the overall night, but I'm biased in favor of the pay-per-view itself and its history; that said, I don't think anyone is going to be talking about this one again.

Okay, I'm done for the night. Check out the title match however you can, but you can safely skip everything else.

Pay-Per-View Grade: A (title match), B- (everything else)