They were leading 9-5 heading into the 9th inning, and Aroldis Chapman managed to blow it, and the Reds lost 10-9. We're rapidly approaching the first October where I've had zero interest in baseball since.... what was it, 2007, when the Yankees flopped and they fired Joe Torre?

That's no fun. I like baseball enough, in and of itself, but I like it way more when I have a rooting interest.
 
That said, as I type this up at 10:50pm (eastern), the Reds are still playing. Yep, a second game. A very rare day/night Sunday doubleheader, due to a water main break in Denver last night. So perhaps they'll put a cherry on my night, afterall.

In the meantime, I know why you're here. So before I get to the cherry, here's the sundae. On Sunday. I hereby officially file my report for the just-completed SummerSlam 2014 999PV:

• On the Preshow. Ric Flair was sitting in as the special guest on the "expert panel." Per usual, Booker T and Alex Riley were there, and the whole shebang was quarterbacked by Renee Young. They, sadly, contributed nothing of value besides Renee's perpetual delightfulness... in fact, they contributed negative value if you count the fact that they actually gave airtime to some dude who won some contest sponsored by Doritos, amidst all the zero-value-add hype work. You couldn't pay me to give a shit.
  
  Then Rob Van Dam beat Cesaro in a pretty decent little 8 minute match, so that didn't suck. The end game was a cleverly constructed set piece based on RVD going for the Five Star, and Cesaro using uppercuts to foil him until RVD finally hit the splash on the fourth try.
  
  No cliffhanger or teaser at the end this time... just a final hard sell by re-airing the same Lesnar/Cena package that we've been subjected to a half-dozen times over the past two weeks. That's how we end the preshow...
  
  
• Cold Open with Hulk Hogan. No introductory video package/music. We slam cut to the inside of the Staples Center in Los Angeles, CA, and are introduced to Hulk Hogan. He stands at the top of the stage, and basically cuts a 5 minute promo about how SummerSlam has never been seen by such a large and diverse audience because WWE Network 170 countries nine-ninety-nine rah rah rah. To WWE's credit, there are a crapton of "$9.99" signs and fans seem happy to chant along.
  
  Of course, what made ME happy was when the director decided to zoom in on one of the $9.99 signs, which revealed (in small print) that the holder of said sign was advocating "WATCH (when wrestling was good) FOR ONLY $9.99!!!" Ha ha. [/nelson]
  
  
• Opening Package/Music/Etc. OK, so here's the standard opening video, produced in the manner of a movie trailer, since we are in Hollywood. Then we're back in the Staples Center for some pyro and a welcome from Cole & The Gang. Also, the Mexican Announce Team is here, and for the second time ever, the German Announce Team. Who's table will eat it tonight? STAY TUNED~!
  
  
• Dolph Ziggler beats The Miz to win the InterContinental Title. And continuing the Hollywood trend, here's Miz, set to defend the IC Title. But first, an address in which Miz says that in a summer of talking robots and CGI monsters, the fans should feel blessed to be in the presence of a real life, flesh and blood megastar. Also: nobody touches the Moneymaker.
  
  Then Dolph Ziggler hits the ring, and we're off. Ziggler dominated the early going, but every time he'd threaten to punch Miz in the face, Miz would dive out of the ring, because he's the most magnificent chickenshit douchebag of all time.
  
  But then, Miz reverses a whip, and Ziggler crashes, sternum first, into the turnbuckle, and starts doing what HE does best: namely, bump his ass off and make the other guy look like a million bucks. As Miz controls the offense, the crowd fires up a mighty "You Can't Wrestle" chant.
  
  Ziggler starts a comeback when he catches Miz coming off the top rope; dont' know what Miz was going for, but Ziggler got him with a punch to the gut. After a back and forthy exchange, Ziggler got the first convincing near fall of the match after a Punch to the Face, followed by a superkick.
  
  Miz teased that he was gonna take his belt and walk-out, but it was a trap, and when Ziggler cut him off and tried to take it back to the ring, Miz took control and immediately hooked a Figure Four. After a titanic struggle, Dolph got the rope break.
  
  Miz tried to re-cinch it, but Ziggler kicked him off and hit a Fameasser. Two. Miz with the Skull Crushing Finale. But also a two. Miz was stunned and frustrated, and took altogether too long conveying that fact. When he finally turned his attention back to Ziggler, Dolph shoved him off to create separation and then hit the Zig Zag.
  
  Not bad by any stretch. But also noticeably time compressed at barely 8 minutes long with an abrupt finish.
   
  
• Making Matters Worse: just as I finish typing up how a lack of time worked against Dolph and Miz, they showed 3 minutes of replay from Monday, of Stephanie's little Springer Ruse with the fake physical therapist (well, maybe not "fake," because that would be stupid if Brie didn't know who Bryan's physical therapist; but clearly "paid-off"), and brief backstage promo by Brie about said ruse. Oy.
  
  
• Paige defeats AJ Lee to become the new Women's Champion. Paige offers a handshake at the start of the match, but AJ literally bites the hand and pulls out some of Paige's hair extensions. Paige is momentarily shocked by this, but then channels that into pure, uncut rage.
  
  She tosses AJ into the ringside barricade, and then pummels her with stiff headbutts. Then even stiffer knees. And in between all that, her mannerisms suggested mild (PG-rated) lesbianism. You know, because Paige really, deep down is still totally besties with AJ, and loves her very much.
  
  Eventually, Paige goes up top... but AJ catches her. After trading punches, AJ shoves Paige all the way down to the floor. Then, mirroring Paige's antic, she blew Paige a sultry smooch before flying off the top rope to the floor with a clothesline.
  
  AJ brought it back into the ring, where she hit a few more moves, and then locked in the Black Widow. But Paige was able to break it, and with AJ still wrapped around her, Paige hooked a leg and turned it into a sort of cradle DDT, also known as the RamPaige. And gets the pin.
  
  Whoa. New champ, after a solid 6 minute contest.
  
  After the match, Paige continues with the previously discussed subtext by "consoling" AJ by hugging her and laying a kiss on her.
  
  
• Rusev beats Jack Swagger in a Flag Match. So they call it a "Flag Match," but it's not gonna be contested under the universally recognized Flag Match rules (in which the two flags are placed in two corners, and the first man to grab and wave his flag wins). Instead, it's a regular match, except that the winner gets to wave his flag when it's done. Bleh.
  
  Lana's prematch spiel is predicated on Hollywood's fantasy make-believe world being phoney and full of liars who tell stories with happy endings, but in reality, America are cowards and losers, and Rusev is going to prove it here tonight.
  
  Swagger and Colter augment their entrance with a Marine color guard.
  
  Before the match can start, Rusev pearl harbors Swagger, and the two have a quick brawl. Swagger actually winds up getting the better of it, and locks Rusev in the ankle lock for a few seconds before the ref is able to pull him off.
  
  Rusev and Lana claim he's too injured to continue, but the ref says the only option is to forfeit. So Rusev eventually agrees to start the match.
  
  Swagger dominates, on the grounds that Rusev is working on one leg. But when he goes for the Swagger Bomb, Rusev gets the knees up, and Swagger's pre-injured ribs become the focal point.
  
  Rusev keeps the pressure on with slams, knee lifts, bearhugs, and the ilk. In fact, it is off a bearhug that Swagger starts his comeback, by countering into a belly-to-belly. He rallies for a bit, and gets his first near fall after hitting the Swagger Bomb.
  
  More back and forth, predicated on the idea that all either guy has to do is hit one solid shot to the injured body part to shift the momentum.
  
  Rusev seems to be on the verge of victory after leveling Swagger with his running savate kick. Lana calls for RUSEV CRUSH... and he goes for the Camel Clutch. But he can only cinch it in halfway, because of his injured ankle.
  
  Swagger is able to pick said ankle, and gets the Patriot Lock... but Rusev gets a rope break. When Swagger tries to follow up, Rusev counters with a slam, and then a splash. Lana again calls for the crushening, and this time, Rusev sucks it up and cinches in the full Camel Clutch, despite the pain it causes him.
  
  Swagger tries to fight out, but can't. He also does not submit, and instead, the ref has to call for the bell when Swagger passes out. The story was straight-forward, with the dueling injuries, but the obvious by-product of that is that both guys were at half-speed from the opening bell. The psychology was a big plus -- Rusev, in particular, was just awesome and attentive at incorporating his "injury" into the match; he's almost Ambrose Caliber at it! --  but at 10 minutes long, you could also make a case that this dragged a bit in terms of action.
  
  After the match, Rusev got even more heat by hitting Zeb with a boot to the head, so that he and Lana had the ring to themselves as they raised a big Russian flag and played the Soviet National Anthem. Well, "Russian," but I was raised on Nikolai Volkoff's rendition, and old habits die hard.
  
  
• Seth Rollins wins a Lumberjack Match against Dean Ambrose. When we come out of a video package, the Lumberjacks are already deployed at ringside. Looks like about 20 guys: Usos, Dust Brothers, Big E, Truth, Kofi, RVD, Cesaro, Sin Cara, Rybaxel, Titus, Slater, Harper, Rowan, Dallas, Fandango, and Damien Sandow (who wins very valuable OO bOOnus pOOints by actually dressing up like a lumberjack; you rule, Sandow!). If I've missed any others, and they actually come into play, I'll name them later.
  
  Straight-up brawling from the get-go, with Ambrose generally getting the better of it for the first few minutes. But the first chance he gets, Rollins manages to chuck Ambrose out of the ring on a side dominated by heels. They take the cheapshots on Ambrose until RVD and Kofi can come to the rescue, but the damage is done.
  
  Rollins now in control. Pretty standard fare, until Ambrose is chucked out of the ring again, and after some lumberjack shenanigans, Rollins tries to suplex him back in, from the apron. Instead, Ambrose reverses it, and suplexes Rollins out of the ring, onto a small army of heels. Awesome.
  
  And it gets even better, as Ambrose goes into pure Berzerker Mode, attacking anything and everything in his sights. The result is basically a Pier 22 Brawl, during which Rollins tries to escape by running into the crowd. Ambrose responds by fighting out of the scrum, and then doing his running start across two commentary tables, and diving onto Rollins in the third row.
  
  From there, Ambrose and Rollins brawl up to the mezzanine level. Korperate Kane, the Director of Operations, storms down to the ring and orders the lumberjacks to do their damn job. So a few of them head up to the mezzanine level and pull Ambrose and Rollins apart. Rybaxel finally pen Ambrose in, and Rollins tries to run away again.
  
  He takes a back route through the production area, and tries to make it backstage, but he's cut off by the Usos and other babyfaces. Six of them actually hoist Rollins up on their shoulders and carry him back towards the ring.
  
  Meantime, Ambrose has gotten back to the ring ahead of them, and is perched on the top rope. As soon as they're within range, Ambrose dives off and takes out the whole bunch.
  
  Ambrose pulls Rollins off the pile, and tosses him back into the ring, where the two do a bit of back 'n' forthy and quadruple reversey, ending with Ambrose hitting the Curb Stomp on Rollins. Yes, using his own move against him.
  
  But before Ambrose can get the pin, Kane gets into the ring to break things up by stomping Ambrose. That causes Goldust to confront Kane, and when Kane fires off a punch, all hell breaks lose. All the lumberjacks pile into the ring, and it turns out the previous little skirmish was but a preview of THIS, the real Pier 22 Brawl.
  
  Guys slowly start powdering out, and it's finally down to Ambrose fending off Harper and Rowan... when Ambrose low-bridges Harper, it seems he's won that little battle, except for the fact that Rollins has grabbed the MitB Briefcase, and clobbers Ambrose with it. Rollins wins.
  
  Extremely entertaining 16 minute match. For as much as I didn't "get" the Lumberjack stip -- it has historically been a pretty worthless gimmick -- they sure as hell had a plan for it. And it ruled. Lumberjacks having to go into the crowd to do their job, and in general being very hands-on made for a tremendously exciting contest.
  
  
• Bray Wyatt beats Chris Jericho. The visual for Bray's entrance just keeps getting more and more impressive, with the "fireflies." Also, for some reason, Bray is wearing what I can only describe as a "Serial Killer Smock."
  
  Jericho sees the Smock, and raises Bray a new multi-color LED display for his Blinky Lite Brite Jacket.
  
  Jericho off to a hot start, including the double-jump shoulderblock variant (on his usual double-jump dropkick), tossing Bray into the ringside barricade, and other things that seemed to tell a story of a more-intense-than-usual Jericho.
  
  That ends when Jericho goes up top, but Bray catches him, and ends up shoving him off the top to the floor. Now it's Jericho turn to meet the ringside furniture, including a rude running knee with Jericho's head against the steel ring steps.
  
  Although the fans seemed more or less in agreement with "WHY TWO JAY" chants early on, they start swaying and singing when Wyatt turns to "conduct" them. Another cool/unorthodox move: with Jericho laid out with his head under the bottom rope, Wyatt grabbed his wrist and pulled (as if to do an Irish Whip), viciously clotheslining Jericho's throat into the rope. Call it the Wyatt Whip, maybe?
  
  After about 5 minutes of heel beatdown, Jericho fires up out of a chinlock. Running forearm and an enzuigiri for Jericho, but again, he whiffs on a top rope move. After a running senton, Bray gets the first near fall of the match. It appears as though this was but a Hope Spot for Jericho.
  
  Sure enough, Bray's back on offense for a bit, leading to his Exorcist Spider Walk, and an attempted Sister Abigail. But Jericho escapes and turns it into the Walls. Bray gets to the ropes for a break. Jericho goes out to join him on the apron, and Bray wins the exchange and hits a hard DDT onto the apron. Ouch.
  
  Dueling "LET GO WHY YAT" and "WHY TWO JAY" chants, now as we enter End Game. Bray heads up to the top, but now Jericho's the one who catches him up there. Hits a top rope Frankensteiner for a two count.
   
  Jericho hits the bulldog, and is getting set for the Lionsault, but Bray bounces up into his Spider Walk position, causing Jericho to freak out. So Bray escapes the Lionsault, but decides to taunt Jericho, instead of pouncing... as a result, when he does charge Jericho, Jericho goes behind and turns it into a flash Codebreaker.
  
  Bray manages to get his leg under the bottom rope for a break, and when Jericho turns to consult with the ref over what just happened, Wyatt rolls out of the ring. Jericho finally decides the ref's call was alright, and tries to hit a sliding dropkick... but Bray sidesteps, and Jericho lands hard.
  
  Wyatt makes it worse by following up with a Sister Abigail into the barricade. Wyatt picks up Jericho's limp carcass and rolls him back into the ring. Another Sister Abigail, and Wyatt scores the pinfall victory.
  
  Good stuff, definitely more on par with what I think we were all expecting when Jericho came back to feud with Wyatt (versus their disappointing match last month). If nothing else, a great finishing sequence and an ultra-convincing win for Bray. Just what the doctor ordered.
  
  
• Stephanie McMahon beats Brie Bella. Steph's ring gear appears to be stolen directly out of Seth Rollins' closet: very Catwoman-ish. Needless to say, it looks way better on Steph.
  
  Steph also pauses to make the Four Horsemen fingers to someone at ringside, which didn't make a whole lot of sense. Until a minute or so later when the cameras caught Ronda Rousey and her three other Horsewomen in the front row (respeldant in "I'm a Paul Heyman Girl" t-shirts). I'll take more of them, please (and less Jerry Springer).
  
  Brie and Steph start slow, with the standard "feeling out" type of moves, which indicates that this is a Totally Serious Wrestling Match And Not A Catfight. When Brie gets the better of that, she sets up for a Flying Goat Dive, but Steph catches her in mid-air, and Brie lands hard.
  
  Steph gestures (Broadly) that she'll be perfectly happy to take the count-out win (and that's she's unhappy with the speed of the ref's count)... but Brie makes it back in at 8, and Steph commences the Heel Beatdown. She's got some nice tricks up her sleeve, including a DDT, and a very nice Mr. Perfect sitting snapmare.
  
  In fact, the crowd decides to let Steph know, "You Still Got It." Well, let's not go overboard, people. I appreciate the effort as much as anyone, but we all know there's only one McMahon who ever had "it" inside the ring, and it's not Steph.
  
  As if to silence her fans, Steph settles in with more chinlocky-type offense, and also a lot of slow stalky bits of verbal bullying. It's out of one of these restholds that Brie fires up and starts her comeback.
  
  When she hits a flurry of "YES!" kicks, the crowd changes sides and is now completely with Brie. Missile Dropkick, also out of DBry's playbook, gets Brie her first convincing nearfall of the match.
  
  Also: it causes Triple H to come down to the ring. He gets up on the apron, causing a distraction. Nikki Bella follows, and just sort of stands around. If you can't see what's coming at this point, congratulations on starting third grade next week!
  
  Steph tries to take advantage of the distraction, and goes for a Pedigree as soon as Brie turns back to the ring. But Brie counters it and cinches in the YES! Lock.
  
  HHH responds by just yanking the ref out of the ring and stomping him once. Brie responds to that by hitting a sliding dropkick on HHH to a HUGE pop. But this time, Steph is able to take advantage of her husband's distraction and clobbers Brie from behind.
  
  Now Nikki leaps into action, sort of standing in the general vicinity of Stephanie, while Stephanie looks scared and backs off. She backs into Brie, who is now back on her feet. It looks like Steph is surrounded by Bellas, and there's no ref, and no HHH.
  
  But that's when Nikki just gently nudges Stephanie aside and tackles Brie. SHOCKING~! Wait, no, the opposite of that. [Except for you soon-to-be-third-graders. Yer so cute and naive.] Mount and punch by Nikki, and then Steph calls her off. Meantime, HHH has rolled the ref back into the ring, and he's coming to. Granted, he should also be calling for the bell because that should have been a DQ, but since when has the Jerry Springer Show been a slave to rules. Or logic.
  
  So Steph hits a Pedigree, and the ref counts the fall. Steph wins a full 15-minute Sports Entertainment Segment. Not terrible by any means. You certainly can't fault the effort. But it's also so not my cup of tea. I won't be offended if your mileage varies.
  
  
• Making Matters Worse, Pt. 2: so that dude who won some stupid Dorito's contest that nobody -- except, presumably, him, since he entered it -- cares about got another 3 minute video package here. I know I only paid NINE NINETY-NINE, but come the frick on, this is an insulting use of my time, WWE. I mean, sure, put one or two piss breaks on the show... but I only have to pee so often, and it usually takes about 45 seconds for me to do so. What gives, is your new target audience 65-year-old men with prostate problems, or do you really think this was a valid form of entertainment?
  
  
• Roman Reigns defeats Randy Orton. Big staredown to start, then fisticuffs break out, and Reigns wins that. But when the match spills outside, the Veteran Viper used his wily trickery to take over and introduce Reigns to the steps, the ringpost, and so forth.
  
  Back in the ring, he kept it rolling with his usual slow, methodical offense. Including the always thrilling Garvin Stomp. And multiple pauses to hit the Pose of Ultimate Douchbaggery. Reigns got a hope spot, but wasted it by immediately going up to the top rope and getting caught. Superplex by Orton (which seemed even more damned impressive considering Reigns' size), and it's the first near fall of the match.
  
  Then, right back to what brung him to the dance for Randall: chinlock. The jaded crowd is even heard to opine "BORE RING" (it's definitely a small minority, but audible). Mini-hope-spot for Reigns, but for some reason, he decides to go for a chinlock, too, and Orton just counters that with a back suplex.
  
  And the Master of the Chinlock goes back to it for the third time. Reign powers out again, and this time, goes for something a little more kinetic, as he whips Orton into the ropes and catches him with a Samoan Drop. Both guys down, ref applies a count.
  
  Then both guys up, and we play "BOO"/"YAY" as they trade punches. Reigns wins Fisticuffsmanship for the second time of the match, and drops Orton near the corner. Orton tries to use the ropes to get back to his feet, but instead puts himself in perfect position for Reigns' leaping apron dropkick thingie.
  
  Reigns hits it, and then drags Orton out to the floor to continue his assault. And for the second time, Orton gets the better of it on the outside the ring brawl, sending Reigns into the ring post and barricade a few times. Orton dives back into the ring to break the count, then continues the assault, suplexing Reigns onto the (English) announce table, and introducing him to the second set of ring steps.
  
  Orton rolls Reigns into the ring, but when Orton follows, Reigns catches him and clotheslines him right arm over the top rope. Reigns sets Orton on the rop turnbuckle, joins Orton on the top, and after a quick exchange of blows, he hits a top rope Samoan Drop. Nice.
  
  Reigns crouches in the corner and waits. As soon as Orton gets to his feet, he hits the Superman Punch. Then he goes to the opposite corner and sets up. He wants the Spear...
  
  Instead, he runs into a flash powerslam. Wicked. Orton's short powerslam is always effective looking, but Reigns, with his size, running into it? Spiffy.
  
  Orton follows up with the Hangman DDT, and then coils. Orton goes for the RKO, but Reigns shoves him off, into the ropes. Orton comes off with a clothesline, but Reigns ducks it, and bounces off the ropes, looking for the Spear on the rebound.
  
  Instead, Orton catches him mid-spear, with an RKO. Wow. But Reigns kicks out at two.
  
  Orton sells the utter frustration by bitching, moaning, and muttering to himself for about a minute. Then he decides there's only one thing to do: he steps back and sets up for the Bootie Kick o' Doom...
  
  But when he finally gets around to coming in for the punt, Reigns trips him up, runs the ropes, and lands the Spear once and for all.
  
  Reigns wins the 15 minute match. Awfully bland for the first two thirds, but credit where it's due, the two delivered, big time, on the End Game.
  
  
• Next Year: we get a promo for SummerSlam 2015. It's coming to "New York/New Jersey," after being exclusive to LA for years and years. Although I caught no official venue announced (I had wandered to the kitchen before I realized this was something with New Information), one has to take note of the "New York/New Jersey" label, which was how WWE branded WrestleMania 29 at the new Meadowlands/Giants stadium. If they were going to MSG, they wouldn't call it "New York/New Jersey." Could we be looking at a second stadium show on the calendar?
  
  
• Brock Lesnar absolutely destroys John Cena to win the WWE World Heavyweight Title. It's worth noting that with tonight's shitty time management (including re-replaying the entire 5 minute Cena/Lesnar video package that anybody watching the PPV has already seen more than once), it's 10:35pm (eastern) by the time the bell rings. Which means the absolute upper limit for this is 20 minutes. Which could certainly be enough... but for as epic as they sold this match as, it also seems more like the floor than the ceiling, in terms of reasonable expectations. Boo.
  
  Lesnar, with Paul Heyman, enters first. Cena, still with the old combo of belts (although WWE's new logo is in full effect and a new belt is ready), enters second. FUll boxing-style intros. And finally, it's go time...
  
  Bell rings, and Cena just flat charges Lesnar and goes for the takedown. Lesnar gets on top and pummels away. Cena fights back to his feet, just barely, but HOLY SHIT F-5~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! F-5 ALL OF 30 SECONDS INTO THE MATCH~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  
  But Cena kicks out. Still, wow. Brock just sits back and chuckles before calmly declaring, "I will KILL you." Paul Heyman is sporting a shit-eating grin. The crowd, which was already 70/30 in favor of Brock to start, explodes with a "Let's Go, Brock" chant.
  
  Cena is in trouble, and Brock follows up with a release German Suplex. Then another. Crowd: "ONE MORE TIME." Brock just toys with Cena, instead. Little taunting kicks. A bitchslap or two. If Cena looks like he might actually have designs on a comeback, Brock goes for a big knee strike to the head or gut.
  
  Very convincing. Very real. The very epitome of style over substance. The majority of these first 6-7 minutes has been Brock stalking and taunting while Cena enjoys a nice lie-down on the mat. And yet, it's compelling as all hell.  We could be on a path to topping Andre/Hulk for Drama:Action ratio.
  
  Cena finally gets a real flurry. It's only wildly flailing punches, but it pisses Lesnar off. So Lesnar finally fires off that third German that everybody was asking for.
  
  And then, just because he's a dick, he hit a fourth and a fifth in rapidfire fashion. And for the first time since the Flash F-5, he actually goes for a pin, instead of enjoying the carnage.
  
  Cena kicks out, but is still in terrible shape. So a SIXTH German. Goddammit, LA, where's the "Brock is gonna kill you" sing-songy chant? If any match/moment in the history of wrestling deserved it, it's here and now.
  
  Brock's pissed off by this omission, too, so he hits a SEVENTH German.
  
  Brock goes for an eighth, and  Cena finally fires up with a real comeback, elbowing out of the suplex, and shoulderblocking Lesnar to the mat for his first takedown. After a quick exchange, Cena lands the F-U.
  
  Lesnar kicks out. Cena has nothing left, and can't follow up. Lesnar does a Zombie Sit-Up, and starts laughing at Cena. Lesnar is first to his feet and keeps taunting, while Cena is slouched in a corner.
  
  Finally, Cena musters his last bit of energy and charges Lesnar. Lesnar just takes Cena down, and mounts and punches. JBL, on commentary, invokes UFC memories, and calls for the ref to just stop it. But Brock finally stops raining down the blows, and goes back to the German suplexes.
  
  This time, not released. He keeps the waistlock, and rolls through, hitting five consecutive Germans. He only gets a two. So he stalks and taunts some more. Then triple Germans. Still only a two. Jesus; seven plus eight more, I think that's 15 Germans.
  
  More stalking and taunting, and this time, Lesnar stalks too close to Cena's carcass, and Cena manages to catch him with a quick little drop toehold takedown into a SSTF.
  
  Lesnar is having none of that happy crappy, and rolls through into another mount and punch, raining down blows until he's satisfied Cena's done. Then he calmly stands up, hoists Cena onto his shoulders, and hits another F-5.
  
  There is no kickout from Superman this time.
  
  Lesnar wins what may well be the single most one-sided World Title Match in history. It lasted 15 minutes, and Cena might have had 45 seconds where he was nominally on offense. Wow.
  
  I know I started this bullet point talking about "epic-ness" and "time management," but WWE just got me. You don't need time to make an epic. You just need to show us something we have never seen before.
  
  Mission accomplished. I don't know how much re-watchability this will have in future years, but for a single moment in time, I'm honestly in awe of a singular dominant performance. I mean it. I was thinking of this in terms of how dramatic and hard-fought it would have to be. It never occurred to me to think of it topping the sheer "momentosity" of Lesnar's win over Taker, in terms of pure shock value. But -- even without the pure Dick Move of the Zombie Sit-Up -- that's exactly what this was, and it ruled.
  
  As trainers swarm to tend to Cena (who JBL thinks is headed to the hospital), Brock and Heyman leave the ring and celebrate on the stage as we fade to black.

And so ends the show. I'll admit that I have my issues with certain aspects of SummerSlam 2014, and the reason they gnaw at me is because of how easy/obvious they should be to address. And yet, they exist.
 
There really shouldn't be this big a divide between what I think of as "a fair use of my time" and what WWE calls "time management."
 
But I also can't deny the simple fact that tonight's presentation was one that I would have ended up praising, even if it was back in the dark old days of $50 PPVs. Because the supporting cast wasn't bad at all, and that main event... jesus, that main event is truly something I've never seen before and kind of suspect we won't see again.

Well, we might see it again, but we won't be as shocked by it as we were tonight. Now that Lesnar's the champ, I wouldn't be looking for him to suddenly become a weekly performer on WWE TV. But I WOULD expect WWE to enforce the "30-day rule," which may mean less in the way of PPV death feuds, and more in the way of "mandatory defenses," which I think WWE might serve up as "free-per-view" editions of RAW (saving Lesnar's bigger matches for Survivor Series and Royal Rumble; and of course, one big Cena rematch at Night of Champions).
 
In those type of "mandatory defenses," I would absolutely think we'd see Dominant Lesnar again, even if it's against a slightly less-than-Cena opponent, and even if we're slightly less stunned by the surrealism of it all.
 
I usually make a point of reserving the label "youtube-worthy" for things that I stake my reputation upon as being Future Classics. And again, I don't really know that anyone will want to watch Lesnar/Cena a dozen times over (like we do the really great matches in wrestling history)... but if you're a wrestling fan, you want to watch it once.
 
It was that special.
 
Rollins/Ambrose was also damned good, and probably "youtube-worthy" in the more traditional sense. Close to it, anyway. Ziggler and Miz might have gotten there, if not for the previously mentioned time management issues, but was still OK (the unexpected win for Dolph added a bit of oomph to it). Similarly, Paige's win was a surprise that added to her match. And Bray/Jericho wasn't off-the-charts, but definitely got back up to the level we expected from them last month (and again, the Bray win was so convincingly done that it was a bonus, too).
 
If one of my biggest non-time-management complains is that Reigns/Orton kinda stunk for the first part of the match, well, then my complaints don't hold a whole lot of water, since those two really kicked it into gear for the last 5 minutes of their match.
 
Let's just put it all into the blender, and consult my Inner PyroFalkon... applying the standard "last taste left in your mouth is the most important" bonus, I think we gotta grade tonight's show as an A-minus.
 
Good times, good times. Let's hope for more tomorrow, when I'll see you kids again with the RAW Recap sometime around midnight. Till then, I wish you all well, and trust you wish me the same. It's just that, in your case, I wish you'd do it with your Visa or MasterCard. Your donations are what keep OO alive!