Powered by LiquidWeb Search all of OO for news, columnists, and articles about your favorites!

News  -/-  Recaps  -/-  Columns  -/-  Features  -/-  Reference  -/-  Archives  -/-  Interact  -/-  Site Info


Donate to Online Onslaught!
     Daily Onslaught
     Obtuse Angle
     RAW Satire
     The Broad

     Inside the Ropes
     OOld Tyme
         Rasslin' Revue
     Title Wave
Crashing the

     Smarky Awards
     Big in Japan
     Guest Columnists
     2 Out of 3 Falls
     Devil's Due
     The Ring
     The Little Things
SK Rants
The Mac Files
     Sq'd Circle Jerk
     RAW vs. SD!:
         Brand Battle
     Cheap Heat 
     Year in Review
     Monday Wars
     Road to WM 

     Title Histories
     Real Names
     PPV Results
     Smart Glossary
     Message Boards
     Live Chat 
     OO History

If you attend a live show, or have any other news for us, just send an e-mail to this address!  We'd also love to hear from you if you've got suggestions or complaints about the site...  let us have it!

WWE presents Royal Rumble 2014
January 26, 2014

by PyroFalkon
Master of the PyroFalkon Multimedia Empire, Incorporated
Follow Pyro's Tweets
on Twitter --/-- View Pyro's Videos on Youtube


On special days like this, I always try to have something special to eat or drink. I found out that my local Walmart (sadly not the one I work at, but one ten miles away) has a “Make Your Own Six-Pack” deal, which is absolutely awesome. The Royal Rumble makes a good excuse to take advantage of it.

Since I'm a fucking lightweight as we all know, I'm sitting here with my selection, which will make most people roll their eyes... Smirnoff Ice Pineapple, Bud Light Platinum, Shock Top Belgian White, George Killian's Irish Stout, Coors Light, Don Equis XX or however it's spelled. Yeah, not the most exotic or hard combination, but I want to maintain some sobriety for writing!

Pre-Show [Tag Match for the WWE Tag Team Titles]: The New Age Outlaws defeat Goldust & Cody Rhodes, and are the NEW WWE Tag Team Champions! Standard feeling out to start with generally even offense, though the faces get momentum when they dump the heels over the west ropes. Goldust decides to bust out a running senton off the apron against Billy, since he missed the memo that he's no longer in his 20s. Cody followed up with a flying body press off the top to Road Dogg, and then we went to ads. Luckily, “ads” in this case was just a short 30-second bump for Royal Rumble itself.

Back, the heels are in control against Goldust. Extended heel beatdown sequence here, cutting the ring in half and using timed tags to maintain the offense. Goldust got some breathing room and hit a hot tag to Cody, who went house of fire and told Billy to suck it, drawing him into a fight. When both heels stayed close, Cody hit them with a simultaneous vaulting springboard front dropkick. RD got room, tried a pumphandle slam, but Cody reversed it into Cross Rhodes. He hit clean, went for the pin, but only got two thanks to Billy breaking it up.

Billy dispatched Goldust when he tried to help out, then put himself on the apron just to tag in for the groggy Road Dogg. Cody didn't see it; he hit the Disaster Kick on RD, but he didn't see Billy sneak up and nail the Fame-Asser. Pin, three, and title change!

Very good match. Nothing that's going to win any awards, but it was pure tried-and-true formula that is second-nature to veterans like these guys. Good stuff to open the show!

And I'm starting off with my Smirnoff Ice Pineapple.

Segment 1 [Singles Match]: Bray Wyatt defeats Daniel Bryan by pinfall.

Feeling out to start, roughly open offense, though Bray goes more roughneck than technical and wins the exchanges. DB gets a bit of a breather and decides to do a suicide dive to Luke Harper for no reason. Eric Rowan wants to defend his buddy, so he runs over to pick Bryan up... just as Referee John Cone turns around. Cone doesn't ask for a DQ, but instead just ejects them from ringside.

Bray runs over and they have a huddle as he insists he can fight the war on his own. He breaks up the meeting, turns around, and takes an immediate cross body off the top rope by DB. Ha! DB flings him back in and does some standing Yes! Kicks, but Bray is able to shake that off and flings DB out of the ring fairly hard.

Bray heads out of the ring and smacks DB's face into the apron, backs up a step, talks some shit to the commentators, then charges DB... who counters by flinging him into the steps. Bray bashes the steps knee-first and oversells, thus giving us the main story of the match.

Back in the ring, DB hits Bray with a chop block, then kicks the crap out of Bray's knee. More Yes! Kicks and a Dragon Screw, then that weird knee lock that starts off looking like a Sharpshooter but winds up being a modified surfboard... until DB just grabs Bray's hair and smashes his face into the mat. Pin, less than one.

We're in a reverse-formula. Bray tries a reverse hope spot but more knee-targeted kicks keep Bray contained. They spill out to the apron where they go for a punchy-kicky exchange until Bray does a sweet little spot. He grabs DB's arm and goes for an arm wrench, but he drops off the apron at the same time, which makes DB's twisted shoulder smash into the apron. Awesome!

Bray has control from there with a back body drop to DB, then to neck and chin locks. It's part of the story though, rather than boring bullshit: it's all head-targeted, since DB suffered that concussion a couple weeks ago, if you remember. Bray takes DB down in the corner, puts his head under the bottom turnbuckle, then smashes DB's head into the ring post a few times. DB oversells it and rolls out of the ring, where Bray does a running hip drop onto DB's solar plexus. Jesus.

The heel beatdown is on. Forearms to the neck, guillotine on the bottom rope, twisting neck locks, all to punish DB's brain jelly. DB gets a breath but takes what's basically a choke slam, but not really. DB scrambles to the corner, and while he sits there recovering, Bray goes to the opposite corner to do his upside down look, then flops to the ground and crab-walks over to DB. Weird as fuck, and definitely gets the crowd into it. He pops up and hits DB with a body splash. Pin, only a two.

Back to a neck lock from there, and a stiff scoop slam. When Bray wants an elbow, DB dodges. DB rallies from there, hitting a drop toe hold in the corner, making Bray smack his face into the middle turnbuckle. DB hits some Yes! Kicks, then nails a Frankensteiner. Pin, only two.

Another exchange leads to Bray dumped out of the ring. As he stands, DB comes off the apron with a goddamn flying spinning tornado DDT, one which causes Bray to bleed from the mouth. DB follows up with a flying missile dropkick that also hits Bray into the barricade. He tosses him back in, hits a top rope missile drop kick, follows with the full Yes! Kicks and roundhouse combo. Pin, only two.

DB isn't stopping. Two corner-to-corner flying kicks, but on the third, Bray nails him with a huge running clothesline that turns DB inside out. Pin, but only a two.

Bray picks DB up and teases a Sister Abigail. DB spins out with a schoolboy, but only a two.

DB slaps on the Yes! Lock, and he locks it in, but Bray counters by straight up biting DB. It's illegal and Cone counts, but DB breaks the hold before five, so it's a net positive for Bray. Bray hits him with several punches, then drives him to the corner. Dueling headbutts on the top rope, DB wins it and follows up with a diving splash rather that a headbutt. I don't blame him... he's going to wind up stealing the Concussed Orton character if he's not careful.

DB backs up and goes for the Sagat Flying Tiger Knee, but Bray just slides out of the ring. So DB tries a suicide dive through the ropes, but Bray catches him and nails the Sister Abigail into the barricade. Good god.

DB is totally limp. Bray carries him into the ring, then hits a second Sister Abigail with a kiss. DB isn't getting up from that.

Good lord, what an awesome match. Over 20 minutes long, fantastic from start to finish, perfect pacing, good story build-up, insanely over crowd... This could have been a pay-per-view main event, let alone an opener. Find this on the YouTubes, pronto!

Segment 2: Renee Young interviews Paul Heyman in the back, who apologies to “ladies and gentlemen... and you too, Renee” on behalf of Brock Lesnar, since Lesnar is basically going to destroy everyone, starting with Big Show. And Lesnar officially challenges the winner of the Cena/Orton match for the WWE World Heavyweight Title, because Lesnar will so totally win, so there.

Cut Scene: Ben Roethlisberger is in the house, since we're in Pittsburgh. Even though I'm a Steelers fan, even I can't pretend to give a shit!

Segment 3: The “expert panel” tonight is comprised of Ric Flair, “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan, and Shawn Michaels. They blather, and it's uninteresting. Why are wasting time here? Get to the next match, damnit!

Pre-Segment 4: Big Show hits the ring for his match. Brock Lesnar follows... with a chair. Show eats about four hundred chair shots to the back, despite Mike Chioda's protests. Big Show finally rolls out of the ring to somewhat gather himself while Lesnar prances around like “What's the problem?”

Show finally manages to roll in the ring, but before he can even get to his knees, Lesnar runs in with a low knee and a couple more chair shots. Show can't answer Chioda's requests to get up, but as Lesnar tries another chair shot, Chioda takes the initative to grab the chair and fling it out of the ring.

Heyman hands Lesnar another chair behind the ref's back as Show gets to his feet. Chioda calls for the bell, and we're on. Lesnar goes for another chair shout, but eats a WMD.

Segment 4 [Singles Match]: Brock Lesnar (w/ Paul Heyman) defeats Big Show by pin. After the aforementioned punch, Show couldn't follow up. Lesnar bailed to recover, and Show followed up with some kicks and punches. Lesnar ran into the ring, and Show went for a second WMD, but Lesnar dodged. He managed to grab Show up on his shoulders and hit a clean F5, then hit the pin. The actual “match” lasted less than a minute, but the whole build-up took about five.

Post-Segment 4: Lesnar is a sore winner. He grabbed one of the discarded chairs, then reentered the ring. Show meanwhile had barely moved since getting nailed with the F5, but Lesnar beat him down anyway several times.

Show rolled out of the ring, but that didn't stop Lesnar, who exited the ring and continued the chair shots for several minutes. Chioda kept trying to stop him, and Lesnar finally decided to hell with rules, so he shoved him, which Chioda sold like a gunshot.

A good five or six chairs were used as Heyman looked on in support. Finally, the heels left together after no “final move” or anything, but I suppose the point was made.

This whole thing took entirely too long. I mean, I get it, but you could have done the outcome without milking it for like 10 to 15 minutes, especially counting the replays. I'm disappointed that this was the direction they went, especially given that there was barely an actual match here. Momentum was given, sure, but this wasn't entertaining... not due to any “discomfort,” but to simply being over-long.

Commercial: Jackson Hewitt does taxes. Because it's not like I paid $45 to WWE or anything.

Segment 5: The Shield cuts one of their signature to-camera promos. It's pretty generic (for them) as they talk shit about how awesome they'll be in the Royal Rumble.

Segment 6: Renee interviews Randy Orton, who talks shit about John Cena. It's very “whatever” as he concludes that when he beats Cena, Cena goes to the back of line. But Renee is awesome and says that that's an interesting choice of words, since the “line” is pretty long, with Lesnar, whoever wins the Rumble, and even Bray Wyatt!

Orton responds with cliches, then says that Bray is a “Duck Dynasty reject,” which is hilarious and pops the crowd. Orton goes on that he is the face of WWE, and it's not some douche who sits in a rocking chair, or even Cena.

We get a few cut scenes from here, and I go for the George Killian's Irish Stout. The Smirnoff Ice Pineapple was good, but started to taste like vomit toward the end. Blech.

Pre-Segment 7: Unanimous boos for Cena. Uh oh.

Boxing introductions, the fans start chanting “Daniel Bryan!,” and we're off.

Segment 7 [No DQ/No Countout Singles Match for the WWE World Heavyweight Title]: Randy Orton defeats John Cena by pin, and retains. Punchy-kicky exchanges, which spawns “Let's go Cena/Cena sucks!” and “Daniel Bryan” chants. It's loud enough that the commentators are sort of forced to talk about the guy rather than the match in front of them. Heh.

More exchanges, a “You can't wrestle!” chant, rest holds, then a “Y2J!” chant. It's been less than four minutes. Another exchange, another rest hold, a “Boring!” chant. JBL tries like hell to sell this match, but even Michael Cole isn't playing along and just says something to the effect of “The WWE Universe loves Daniel Bryan!” before dropping the subject.

Standard Cena match sequence from there, as Orton kicks his ass for a while, then we get a random spot from Cena, then Orton takes control again, rinse and repeat.

During the next part, a bug landed on my girlfriend's soda can. I took it to the bathroom, flicked the bug into the toilet, and poured the rest of the soda on it. Then, since I needed to pee anyway, I drowned it in my urine before flushing. This whole sequence took about a minute, and when I came back, I was assured I didn't miss anything.

Back, and we get a Hangman's DDT with Cena's feet propped on the apron, so he kissed the black mats. This nominally popped the crowd. Orton tossed him into the ring, attempted a pin, failed; no one cared.

Ring hump, still no one cares, RKO attempt reversed into an STF. Orton slithers out, exchange, Five Knuckle Shuffle, FU attempt that caused a ref bump, STF attempt that caused Orton to oversell and tap out instantly for no reason. But the ref is down.

As Cena complains to the unconscious zebra, Orton grabs a title and bops him in the face, then helps the doctor wake up the ref. Pin, but only two. The fans start up a solid “This is awful!” chant.

Orton bitches to the ref about the count, Cena recovers with an FU, only gets a two. An exchange, RKO, pin, only a two. The fans barely popped for either finisher.

Then, in one of those moments that can only be unscripted, the fans start screaming “We want divas!” (one of the few times I agree super hard with the fans), and Orton hits the Ultimate Pose of Douchebaggery. If Orton was remotely self-aware, I'd call that brilliant.

Exchange, Orton locks in the STF to Cena (I didn't type that backwards), the fans still don't care, Cena slips out and puts the STF on Orton. Orton slips out and hits the FU on Cena (again, I'm not mistyping that), goes for a pin, only gets a two. Cena then hits Orton with an RKO, pin, only gets two. The fans still don't care.

Exchange in the corner, Cena hits a tornado DDT, then slaps on an STF. This time Orton doesn't insta-tap, and the fans actually start to be interested...

Then the lights go out, the Wyatt splash appears, and the fans go ballistic. They distract Cena but don't really do anything, but it gives Orton a chance to recover and hit Cena with an RKO. Pin, done. The fans cheer because it's over.

Ugh. I get that they were going for the classic Rock/Steve Austin match where they kept exchanging finishers, and it was a huge deal. But that match wasn't against two guys that have fought each other 648 times, and had actual fan support. The match was technically good, but they made no use of No DQ/No Countout. Lame on all levels. This should have been the opener, if the fans wouldn't have fallen asleep immediately.

Post-Segment 7: The Wyatt Family beats the piss out of Cena to about 60% cheers and “Yes!” chants, ending with the Sister Abigail. Ladies and gentlemen: a 15-second face turn by proxy!

Segment 8: Renee interviews the New Age Outlaws, who help out Renee's intro (and she marks out the whole time; adorable). Then we get replays of the pre-show match, and Road Dogg tells us that they broke a record, since it's been 14-year gap between title reigns. And it doesn't matter, because NAO does tag team matches better than anyone else. They also party better than anyone else, and they're going to a super party, and Renee isn't invited. Only then does she make an angry face, and Billy Gunn has two words for her... “New champs!” She makes another angry face, clearly upset that she's heartbroken that she doesn't get to go to the party.

It's okay, Renee. I'll throw you a private party over in my apartment whenever you want!

Segment 9: A bunch of the wrestlers talk about why they're so totally going to win the Royal Rumble. Batista has the best: he just stands there staring shirtless into the camera, then says “Exactly.” Heh.

Segment 10 [The 2014 Royal Rumble]: As always, I’m going to recap this in pseudo-real-time. I’ll be recapping by entrant, so you’re basically getting the full recap in 90-second chunks. You won’t know the winner until the bottom of the entry, but Rick’s got the winner on the front page, so you already know. But I don’t as I write this, so let's roll... remember that entrants are bolded, and eliminations are italicized.

Entrant #1 is CM Punk, as Korporate Kane forced him to be. Entrant #2 is Seth Rollins, which is intriguing. Here we go!

Punk isn't taking bullshit here: he just charges Rollins and tries to muscle him over the top, but Rollins slips out and beats him down. Then a punchy-kicky exchange, and Rollins hits a corner-to-corner runnign body splash, but Punk follows up with his signature corner-to-corner knee. Both men down.

Entrant #3 is Damien Sandow, who goes right after Punk. He drives Punk to the corner until Rollins sort of pushes him out of the way. The heels try to double-team him over, but Punk fights them off and hits a simultaneous neckbreaker/DDT combo to the heels. After a moment, the heels recover and go back to work on Punk.

Entrant #4 is Cody Rhodes, who goes after Sandow. Punchy-punchy exchange, Cody gets the better of it and hits Cross Rhodes, though it doesn't help with anything. Rollins goes after Cody, Sandow goes after Punk, and the heels generally win... until CM Punk back body drops Sandow over the top rope.

Entrant #5 is... Kane? Whoa, and no outfit or mask, and dress pants. Weird. Kane goes hard after Cody and Punk, then concentrates on punching and stomping the shit out of Punk. Punk has no answer, and eats a side slam to be rendered temporarily irrelevant. He calls for a chokeslam, but Punk hits a roundhouse... and immediately eliminates Kane. Holy shit.

Entrant #6 is Alexander Rusev, whoever the hell that is. Oh, he's from NXT... thanks, Cole! Rusev slow-walks to the ring, then beats the holy hell out of basically everyone, doing some wacky-ass jump kicks despite being a big dude. Apparently he's got Muay Thai training, and he even manhandles Punk like no one's business. Rollins manages to sorta control him with a rear naked choke as the countdown hits.

Entrant #7 is Jack Swagger, accompanied by Zeb Colter with a sign that reads “Every 90 seconds another illegal crosses the border.” Ha! Swagger hits the ring and dominates everyone except Rusev, who is Bulgarian, and therefore an immigrant. This pisses off Swagger, but Rusev dominates him. Rusev tries throwing Swagger over, but Rollins chop blocks him. Everyone is on their feet as we continue.

Entrant #8 is Kofi Kingston, who hauls ass to the ring, somersaults into it, jumps fifteen feet into the air, then comes down with a neckbreaker to Punk. Kofi goes to eliminate him but can't do it, so he changes targets to attack Rusev for no reason. Cody tries to eliminate Punk in Kofi's place, but Punk slips out of that too. Things sort of settle down from there with plenty of near-eliminations, but no payoffs.

Entrant #9 is Jimmy Uso, who goes after Rollins with a full nelson sit-down atomic slam, then starts kicking literally everyone else. He takes control of Kofi and Punk, then chops the crap out of Cody. But Cody counters with a dropkick, cutting his momentum a bit. Everyone pairs off, bodies fly a bit, but again things settle down a bit. Swagger no-sells an attack from Rusev (that actually did miss entirely), and we move on.

Entrant #10 is Goldust, who goes after Rollins and Jimmy. Goldust essentially hits his five moves of doom on two guys before Cody puts him down. Then Cody, Punk, and Rollins triple-team Rusev. Punk breaks away to grab Kofi and drag him over to help. Finally, Cody, Punk, Rollins, and Kofi eliminate him. Punk then sends Kofi over the top rope...

But wait! Kofi landed into Rusev, who lays him on the barricade to knee him and then walks away. Kofi then sits up on barricade, takes a look... then he does a tightrope walk on the barricade, does an absurd flying jump, and lands on the apron while holding onto the middle rope. Jesus... the crowd flipped out, as they should.

Entrant #11 is Dean Ambrose, who joins basically everyone to eliminate Swagger. Shenanigans ensue, and everyone breaks away for a moment. Ambrose and Rollins stay on opposite sides of the ring, strangely enough, and things settle down. The fans need that breath after Kofi's insane save.

Entrant #12 is Dolph Ziggler, who I haven't seen in a while due to a concussion. Ziggler opens strong with a top rope dropkick off the top rope, then tries to follow up with more punches until Rollins makes a save. Ambrose takes control of Dolph from there, but can't close the deal. Cody and Goldust team up on Ambrose then, but they can't close the deal either. No eliminations.

Entrant #13 is R-Truth, who no-sells a punch from Ambrose, but gets beaten down by Ambrose and Rollins. But after a few seconds, Truth gets dumped to the apron, and Ambrose sends him flying with a running kick. Jimmy Uso then goes to the top rope and kicks Rollins, but then Ambrose comes up and shoves Jimmy off the rope to the mats.

Swagger then shoves Kofi over the top rope, but Kofi saves himself by hooking his toes on the bottom rope. Swagger tries to finish him, but Kofi kicks him off, then pulls himself off.

Entrant #14 is... Kevin Nash!!! Love it! He instantly tosses Swagger, then starts beating the shit out of both members of The Shield, who reply with attacks of their own. It pauses Nash's attacks, and they break off. Nash continues attacking Ambrose, but Rollins couldn't help out.

Entrant #15 is Roman Reigns, who opens by “entering” the ring by doing a jumping missile kick to kick Punk in the head and land on the apron simultaneously. Reigns cleans house but is slowed by Nash, who then flings Kofi over the top rope with a military press. Reigns Spears Ziggler, then eliminates Ziggler, and eliminates Nash as well. I think Nash was supposed to save himself there but couldn't.

Entrant #16 is Khali, but with the ring thinned, the entirety of The Shield unites. All three team up to eliminate Khali, but then Punk, Goldust, and Cody (the only others left) are able to pair off and contain them. But then Goldust eliminates Cody as retribution for the past two Royal Rumbles, and then Reigns eliminates Goldust. Punk is alone with The Shield.

But not for long, since entrant #17 is Sheamus, making his long-awaited return. Sheamus beats the shit out of everyone, including the 10 of Clubs on Dean Ambrose, the Irish Curse Backbreaker to Rollins, and a Brogue Kick to Reigns. Punk is still down, so The Shield triple-team Sheamus to try to get him under control.

Entrant #18 is The Miz to even the odds, and he charges Rollins. He doesn't manage to make much headway, and things settle down for the moment.

Entrant #19 is Fandango, thankfully with Summer Rae. He's almost instantly eliminated by Miz, but Fandango manages to save himself when Sheamus and Ambrose get involved. Everyone sort of pairs off from there as The Shield concentrates on Sheamus and Punk.

Entrant #20 is... uh... well, Los Matadores arrive, and... yes, entrant #20 is El Torito. Everyone oversells for him of course, except Punk, who is confused as hell. Punk stops that shit in a hurry, then mocks him... but takes a tilt-a-whirl flying headscissors. El Torito prances, and Fandango attacks him. But El Torito huracanranas Fandango over the top rope, then follows up with a kick off the top rope to send him flying. El Torito tries a cross body on Reigns, but Reigns military press drops El Torito over the top into Fandango.

Entrant #21 is Antonio Cesaro with Zeb, whose sign this time reads “You could time it yourself but THEY stole your watch.” Ha! Cesaro slides in and starts Giant Swinging absolutely everyone. He manages a good three revolutions on Rollins, which is enough of a sight that literally everyone else just stands there and watches instead.

Entrant #22 is Luke Harper, who isn't in the ring when Reigns Spears Cesaro in half. Then... uh... my feed cut. Because fuck the magic fairies who bring my Internet.

Entrant #23 is Jey Uso, and it doesn't seem like anyone was eliminated. Everyone is paired off and punching each other without too many shenanigans. Another rest moment... can't burn out the crowd!

Entrant #24 is... JBL? Huh, okay. JBL stands up from the commentators (in his full suit), tosses the headset, and heads in the ring. JBL offers his suit jacket to Cole, and as Cole takes it, Roman Reigns tosses him over the top rope. Cole consoles him by pointing out that Santino was eliminated faster than that in Royal Rumbles past, while JBL immediately blathers “Well, isn't it awesome that Batista is going to pop out sometime? This is exciting, huh???” Heh, cute... it's all in the delivery, but JBL wants us to totally forget what just happened.

Entrant #25 is Eric Rowan, who goes right after The Miz. Miz holds on, but then Luke Harper comes out to toss him over. Bye, Miz! Jey Uso is eliminated roughly the same way.

Entrant #26 is Ryback, who goes after Cesaro with shoulder charges. He can't close the deal, but then tries to eliminate Sheamus and Rollins at the same time. No joy there either. Sheamus and Cesaro then take center stage as they beat on each other, but things slow down again.

Entrant #27 is Alberto Del Rio, who is immediately angry and starts to attack the heels, oddly enough. Ryback especially gets his ire, and I'm running out of the Irish Stout. It's not bad, but a little strong in beer taste. Blech.

Things slow down again. Punk stays just on his side, not playing with anyone.

Entrant #28 is Batista, and the fans start to wake up. He just clotheslines the fuck out of everyone, clotheslining Eric Rowan over the top in the process. Bats then stares down Ryback, and they trade punches. Ryback manages to drive Bats into the corner and charges him, and Batista back body drops Ryback over the top rope.

ADR then goes after Batista to finally let them face each other after their feuding the last few weeks. Then Bats dead-lifts ADR with a single arm and dumps him over the top rope. That's that for Mexico's slimiest export.

Entrant #29 is Big E. Langston, who goes after Sheamus, which is a hell of a match-up. Langston gets the better of it due to Sheamus's fatigue, but things slow again as everyone pairs off. The fans start chanting “Yes!”

Entrant #30 is Rey Mysterio, who I totally forgot about. Exchanges abound, and Sheamus clotheslines Langston off the apron. Cesaro then hits everyone with European uppercuts. Mysterio hits Ambrose with a 619, but Rollins enizguris Rey over the top rope.

Roman Reigns then eliminated Harper, and Dean Ambrose tried to eliminate Reigns. As Ambrose argued with Ambrose, Cesaro tried to eliminate both. Reigns had that scouted, then eliminated Ambrose, Rollins, and Cesaro in one move.

The final four are Batista, Punk, Reigns, and Sheamus. They exchange finishers, with Punk getting the best of it. But then Korporate Kane arrives to pull Punk over the top rope, then chokeslam him through the Spanish announce table.

The final three are Batista, Reigns, and Sheamus. Everyone takes a breath for a moment and stares at each other. Sheamus hits Reigns, Batista goes after Sheamus, blows are exchanged, fans are booing the shit out of it for some reason. Batista gets the better of it, but then Reigns gets involved. Bats catches him and hits a scoop slam, then wants to go back to work on Sheamus. Sheamus controls him with a big boot and his forward flip rolly-slam thing.

Sheamus charges up the Brogue Kick, but Bats dodges. Another exchange, Bats back body drops Sheamus over, and Roman Reigns clotheslines Sheamus off the apron. This breaks the record for the most eliminations in a single match: 12 total, breaking Kane's previous record of 11.

The final two are Batista and Reigns. After a punch exchange, Reigns is able to hit a running clothesline. He readies a Superman Punch, and the fans start up a huge “Roman Reigns!” chant. But as Reigns tries it, Bats is the one who answers with a Spear of his own. The fans are now booing the shit out of Bats as he signals for the Batista Bomb, and cheer like crazy when Reigns his Bats with a Spear in answer. Reigns pulls Bats up, then tries to run to throw him over, but Batista counters mid-stride and throws Reigns out instead.

Your winner of the 2014 Royal Rumble is Batista. Solid Rumble, though light on surprise entrants, and I'm pleasantly surprised the fans went against alignment at the end there. Good stuff, and it's interesting to see whether Batista can take it the whole way.

And I'm even more interested to see how the fans are going to deal with Bats getting the call instead of Reigns, if this was a one-off reaction as they were just feeling it, or if WWE may do something wacky as a response.

Final Thoughts: Solid night overall thanks to the Rumble, no regrets, though that goddamn title match was an absolute train wreck in terms of appeal. The Road to WrestleMania starts now, and though I don't have the greatest optimism in seeing Randy Orton headline WrestleMania (though there's every chance he can lose the title at Elimination Chamber).

The opener was the match of the night by an order of magnitude; you definitely need to look it up if you didn't watch it live. Granted it didn't have much in the way in comparison, which is a good reason why it was the opener. If DB/Bray had gone on after any of the other matches, it could have felt like it was only “good by comparison,” and the fans may have been deflated when watching it. Instead, as the opener, the crowd was already hot due to the pre-show match, and DB/Bray match stood on its own by being absolutely amazing. Everything else was crap; they could have just gone right to the Rumble and called it a night.

I knew some shenanigans were going to be pulled with Show/Lesnar, but seriously, not that bullshit. They could have reached the conclusion of “Lesnar beats Big Show” a bunch of other ways, even if Lesnar lost an actual match, just by kicking Show's ass after it. Awful...

Not to mention that the show ended a good 15 minutes before 11, making me wonder why the hell we didn't get any AJ. “We want divas!” should be the chant that goes around the fucking world from here on out, especially if WWE decides that a Cena/Orton match needs to happen again any time soon.

Reigns's de facto turn and the next chapter of the Wyatt Family (albeit involving Cena) are the things that I give any sort of shit about. And I may be easy to please, but the Rumble and opener were worth the price of admission. Still, it's a two-match night with an absolutely forgettable middle. Not the best start as we start the Road to WrestleMania, but it could be worse, I guess.

I'm tired and slightly drunk, so I'm calling it here. Thanks for reading everyone, stay browsing to Online Onslaught, and check out my SmackDown recap this weekend. Hopefully I won't have technical problems going forward... Check out the triple grade!

Pay-per-view Grade: A (opener), B (Royal Rumble), F (everything else)


SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




All contents are Copyright 1995-2014 by OOWrestling.com.  All rights reserved.
This website is not affiliated with WWE or any other professional wrestling organization.  Privacy Statement.