Thanks for making it 12 years in a row where you got me nothing, you jerks! [No, I'm not turning 12. I just mean it's 12 years since I opened OO. I actually DID get Christmas presents a few times, but never anything for my birthday. I repeat: You jerks. You thoughtless, meany-headed jerks.]
 
But that's not why you rang. I mean, why would you ring to be berated about what a selfish jackass I am? So here's what happened at the just-completed Extreme Rules 2013 pay-per-view:

• On the Pre-show: the new Canadian Interview Babe is our host, and is heading up a panel of Mick Foley, Wade Barrett (for some reason, dressed to compete), and Titus O'Neill (at peace with his uselessness, and thus wearing a suit). She asks questions about the matches, and basically chairs the discussion. Very much like a legit sporting event preshow, with analysis as serious as you can get within kayfabe. As far as Renee goes,  this is exactly the "I hope they actually let her talk, and not just be a mic stand" thing I mentioned a few weeks ago... ladies and gentleman, Renee Young is officially more than just a pretty face, and now, people outside of Canada know it.
  
  And then, about 12 minutes in, the preshow goes kaput. At least, it did for me. On both the WWE app and Youtube app, my tablet would buffer and then hang on a facebook poll graphic. It claimed to be playing a live stream, but it looked static to me. I had no desire to go upstairs to try on a real computer, so I gave up, and settled in to wait until the TV portion of the show started. I feel pretty safe assuming Miz beat Cody Rhodes, and that it was a craptacular 3 minute match, at best. [Ed. Note: I was right.]
  
  
• Opening Theme/Pyro/Etc., and we're live in St. Louis, the home of Randy Orton, the Cardinals, Bud Lite Lime, and many other utterly horrible things. Standard welcome from Cole, King, and JBL. And then there's no dilly-dallying. It's straight to the ring for....
  
  
• Chris Jericho beats Fandango. Jericho enters first, then a lot of filler (footage of Monday's dance-off, introduction of the Spanish Announce Team, etc.) so they have time to set up Fandango's entrance. Then Fandango enters. He's with Summer Rae, who at least is excelling at the thing she's good at: looking all Barbie Doll Hot (in a tantalizing half-a-dress). She still isn't a very good dancer. Oh, OOriginal Fandangirl, we miss you so. At least, I do.
  
  Jericho wins the back-and-forth feeling out process, causing Fandango to instigate a game of cat and mouse. The cat gets the better of the mouse several times, until Fandango finally pulls the standard "get in the ring first, and then stomp the other guy when he tries to follow" routine. Fandango in control for a sort of half-speed heel beatdown; Jericho gets more-frequent-than-usual hope spots, so it doesn't have the feel of a full-on beatdown. One of Jericho's spots is bungled badly (Jericho goes for a sunset flip, but Fandango fails to cooperate).
  
  The frequency of Jericho's comebacks definitely helps keep the pace up, though, and the crowd is right there with them. When Fandango goes for the top rope legdrop, Jericho moves, and immediately hits a Lionsault to a huge pop. But it only gets a two count. A quick bit of triple reversey, and  Jericho is able to cinch in the Walls... but Fandango gets to the ropes.
  
  Jericho's frustration gives Fandango time to recover, and when they hook up again, Fandango gets the better of it. Fandango decides to go up to the top rope again... but this time, when he flies off, Jericho bounces up and snares him out of mid-air with an Atomic Codebreaker. A really nice looking one. One, two, and three.
  
  Big finish to a a really solid 8 minute match. One botch aside, it struck me that Jericho and Fandango went out of their way to avoid the pitfall of a too-formulaic or over-long affair. No restholds, no extended heel beatdown. Fandango had control for most of the match, but Jericho was peppering in the hope spots to keep it moving. I like it. I also like Jericho winning; he'll do the honors for Fandango before he leaves again, but after Monday's "Serious Jericho" promo, this was the right way to go to ensure that Jericho's still got his First Ballot Hall of Famer cred in place for when he does do the honors.
  
  
• Dean Ambrose beats Kofi Kingston to win the US Title. Kofi enters first, then the Shield enter together. But once they hit the barricade, only Ambrose gets in the ring; Rollins and Reigns turn around and leave. Huh. Honor among thieves: who'da thunk it?
  
  Super-fast-paced start for Kofi, with all the running-the-ropes and leapfrogging and stuff. Then Ambrose just up and boots him in the face. Kofi is grounded. Advantage: Ambrose. Quick beatdown, and then Ambrose locks in a Crossface Chickenwing. Neat. That's a move that just looks like it hurts. Plus: it's an excuse to remember Crazy Bob Backlund.
  
  But it's not a finisher for Ambrose (yet), so Kofi fires up and escapes. Big flurry for Kofi, ending with an SOS. But it only gets a two. Kofi decides to go up top, but Ambrose catches him. After a grapple on the top turnbuckle, Ambrose takes control, and hits a wicked butterly superplex. Wow. But that only gets two, too. Ambrose heads out to the apron, planning to go up top, but Kofi springs to his feet and hits Trouble in Paradise.
  
  Problem: Ambrose was outside the ring, and falls to the floor. Kofi has to go out and pick up Ambrose's dead-weight, and shove him into the ring, and then try a cover. Too late. Ambrose kicks out. Kofi tries for it again, but this time, Ambrose ducks, and Kofi crotches himself on the top rope. Ambrose immediately follows up with his inverted STO thingie, and gets the three count.
  
  This one stuck more to the back-and-forth start, heel beatdown middle, End Game formula, just very time compressed. Maybe 6-7 minutes, all told. But again, quite good with a big finish. The gold-i-fiction of the Shield begins, and in convincing fashion, as Ambrose needs no help to win. After the match, Rollins and Reigns join Ambrose for the celebration, and Kofi's nowhere to be seen.
  
  
• Sheamus beats Mark Henry in a Strap Match. Lilian, sporting the proverbial little black dress (a pleasingly short and tight one), first explains the rules for the benefit of the 4% of the audience that doesn't know how a strap match works. I don't mind the wasted time, though, because Little Black Dress.
  
  The ref straps the two men in, and JBL invites us to take a picture of Sheamus' pasty white torso now, because it'll be 50 shades of red before the match is over.  But Henry's not going that route: first offensive move he hits, he uses the strap to hogtie Sheamus. No whiipping. But Sheamus is able to escape after Henry hits two turnbuckles, breaking the string. Creative spot by Sheamus, as he tries hitting the turnbuckles from the OUTside of the ring. He gets to three before Henry just manfully yanks Sheamus back into the ring.
  
  And now, Henry is angry. So he proceeds to begin the whupping. Sheamus gets a break when he's able to crotch Henry, using the strap. Now it's Sheamus with the whipping. Sheamus makes a run at the turnbuckles, but only gets to three before Henry derailed him with a spinebuster. Both men roll outside to continue brawling. Sheamus gets the better of it, and then yanks Henry into the steel ringpost with a shot so stiff it moved the entire ring. Ouch.
  
  Sheamus hoists Henry into the ring, and then follows, immediately going for the turnbuckles again. He gets three right away, but as he goes for the fourth, Henry tries for a slam, but Sheamus just worms out the backdoor and hits a Brogue Kick. Then he hits the fourth buckle for the win.
  
  Huh. I had Henry as the favorite here, and instead he loses, and Sheamus only took about 3 or 4 solid lashes, so he's still nice and pasty white. Kind of anticlimactic and lacking in the advertised brutality. Then again, after the match, trainers immediately swarmed and started checking on Henry, who was selling a groin/hip injury (not something that follows logically from a kick to the head), so who knows?
  
  
• Backstage: AJ is talking on the phone with Dolph (who is at home, recovering from his concussion), and they're being disgustingly adorable, when Kaitlyn enters the frame and clears her throat. This gets AJ's attention, so she bids Dolph adieu and then starts trading bitchy barbs with Kaitlyn. "Hey, you've got a secret admirer, but only because he's too ashamed to be seen with you in public." Snap! "Yeah, but I'd rather have a mystery boyfriend than a real boyfriend who's got about as much masculine gravitas as a grown-up Coppertone baby." Burn! "You wouldn't know what to do with a man like Dolph." Whee. "Yeah, but I know what to do with this Women's Title Belt. And you don't know what to do with your title shot. What are you, scared to face me tonight." Good point. "No, I'm just too emotionally distraught because of Dolph's injury." Doubtful. "Yeah, you're emotionally distraught, but I don't think Dolph has anything to do with it, Looney Tunes." Ha! "I dare you to call me that again." OK. "[sings the Porky Pig "That's All Folks" song[" Zing! "How appropriate, you're quoting a pig." And then, they've had enough bitchy barbs, and start brawling. Kaitlyn wins the brawl, which is short-lived, as officials and the diva locker room show up to pull them apart. In lieu of them not doing the match at the PPV, I appreciate them doing a throwaway segment giving a reason why they aren't doing the match.
  
  
• Alberto del Rio defeats Jack Swagger in an "I Quit" Match to determine the #1 Contender to Dolph Ziggler. Before the match, Zeb Colter has a few words for us. They are words we've heard before, with an added taint of Current Events, as he claims to be victimized by the IRS. Aren't we all, Zeb, aren't we all? Also, he makes fun of the Hated St. Louis Cardinals, which I'd love to endorse, except he did it in the most racist way possible. And I don't roll that way; no matter how big a jackwagon Yadier Molina is, the worst thing about the Cardinals is still a caucasian. That's right, even on the DL and/or semi-retired-but-threatening-to-return, Chris Carpenter needs to be punched more often then he is now.
  
  Alberto gets a big ol' introduction from Ricardo, and then we're off.
  
  After about 30 seconds, the match spills outside, and referee Mike Chioda starts asking the guys if they want to quit after the most basic moves. I f'n hate that. It makes "I Quit" matches fundamentally lame when the ref asks after every move, and the guys have to say "no" in a way that makes it seem like they're in danger (instead of just saying "Hell, no, you idiot," in a tone of voice that would be congruous with the situation). It's compelling if you've never seen a wrestling match, I guess. But it's phony as all get-out if you have.
  
  The live crowd seems to agree, as they chant "We Want Ziggler" over several alleged "I Quit" attempts by Chioda.
  
  About 4-5 minutes in, we get the first halfway convincing "I Quit" moment, as Swagger goes off with a series of kendo stick shots, while Alberto is tied up in the ropes. Alberto will not quit. Alberto pays that back by cinching in a half-armbreaker/half-taratula (in the ropes), but Swagger won't quit. Then a sweet spot where Alberto has Swagger in the ropes, and wails on his with 9 kendo shots to the back, and then uses the stick to assist in adding the now-standard Backstabber.
  
  Alberto goes for the armbreaker again, but Swagger counters, and gets on a rally, ending with a Swagger Bomb, then a Powerbomb. Alberto won't give. Swagger with a second powerbomb. No quit. Swagger's frustrated, and when he turns his attention back to Alberto, Alberto reaches up and cinches in the cross armbreaker. No quit. In fact, Swagger utilizes his amateur background, and finds a way to counter directly into the ankle lock.
  
  Right in the center of the ring, there seems to be no easy escape for Alberto, and Ricardo suddenly starts looking at the towel that he brought to the ring (along with the spit bucket). Alberto specifically forbids Ricardo from throwing in the towel, so Ricardo sets it aside. But Zeb sees an opening.
  
  Zeb attacks Ricardo, and when Ricardo ducks down to avoid a clothesline, Zeb grabs the towel and throws it in. Zeb springs to the other side of the ring, and Ricardo stands up. When the ref turns around, all he sees is Ricardo standing there, and he assumes Ricardo threw it in. Ring the bell!
  
  Swagger is announced as the winner.
  
  But not so fast!
  
  Another ref comes down and tells Chioda what happened, and Chioda agrees to check a replay. In an exceptionally stupid moment, the ref requests a monitor from the time keeper station, instead of just watching the giant Titantron. 10 out of 10 for trying to make it look like a basketball replay, but minus several million for anything resembling common sense.
  
  The match restarts, and as tends to be the case in a restart, it lasts about 30 seconds before Alberto locks in the cross armbreaker. Swagger attempts one counter, Alberto re-cinches it. Swagger says "I Quit."
  
  About 15 minutes, all told (including the false finish and shenanigans), and it's not like you can fault Alberto or Swagger, but this was a case of WWE getting cutesy, and as a result, the gimmick made the match come off a bit silly and weak, if you ask me.
  
  
• Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns beat Kane and Daniel Bryan in a Tornado Match to win the Tag Team Titles. During intros, JBL actually mentions Kane's tie to May 19. Holy shit. I only thought losers like us on the OO Forums would remember that piece of awfulness.
  
  Bell rings, and -- perhaps as you'd expect -- Kane and Reigns pair up, as do Rollins and Bryan. At first, it's both pairs, each in one half of the ring. Then, it's more of one pair being featured while the other powders out. And finally, we get a bit of a stretch when the Shield are in control, and start moving between double-teaming Kane and double-teaming Bryan.
  
  Good guys rally, and Kane manages to shove both opponents outside the ring, and Bryan follows up by hitting the 7-10 Split Plancha. Then some AWESOME tag team work by Kane and Bryan once they get it back in the ring. They do a series of criss-cross attacks, and then hit an old school Hart Attack. Then Kane hits a top rope clothesline on Rollins, and Bryan follows immediately with a top rope headbutt. But Reigns breaks up the pinfall.
  
  Bryan immediately floats into a No Lock on Reigns, but Rollins snipers Kane, and then goes after Bryan. When Kane tries to make the save, he eats a spear from Reigns. More Pier 4 action, but the Shield gets control and sends Kane out of the ring. They isolate on Bryan and hit a cool finisher: Reigns has Bryan in a Torture Rack, and Rollins comes off the top rope, dropping a sledge on Bryan as Reigns flips him over. Like the old Demolition Decapitation on steroids.
  
  Rollins hits a final dropkick on Kane to keep him out of the ring, and Reigns makes the cover. New champs.
  
  Really nice 12-15 minute match. Nonstop action, with some very excellent teamwork and high spots that you don't see everyday. Sorta wished it had gotten more time to reach full potential, thought. Still hard to complain, though. And now, the Shield all hold gold. Ambrose joined Rollins and Reigns for their celebration, to underscore that point.
  
  
• Hype: there will apparently be a youtube POST-show, too. I only mention it, because, it's the same panel as the pre-show, except somebody convinced Wade Barrett to just give up and go change into his civilian clothes. Awww, Wade lost his smile.
  
  
• Randy Orton beats Big Show in an Extreme Rules Match. Show is an angry giant, and beats the piss out of Orton to start. So Orton crawls out of the ring to recoup. While he's out there, he reaches under the ring for a kendo stick. He hits Show with it. Show does not appreciate this, and grabs the stick away, and breaks it over his knee before tossing it aside. Randy crawls some more, and finds another kendo stick. Same result. Or lack there of.
  
  Show drapes Randall over the announce table, and proceeds to hit a few of his patented "Shhhhhh!" Chops. I love those. Even more than usual when they land on Orton. More brawling, and Orton ducks a charge, causing Show to hit the steel ring post. Orton tries to take advantage by grabbing a ladder from under the ring, but while he's fiddling with it, Show just kicks him in the face, and returns to the no-weapons-needed asskicking.
  
  Show starts targeting Orton's left shoulder, with JBL selling it as Big Show knowing about Orton's history of shoulder injuries (again, with the attention to minutiae; way to be JBL). There is an armlock involved, but it is mercifully brief.
  
  Randall powers out of that, and has a bit of a rally, but that ends when he tries a mount-and-punch on the turnbuckle, and Show just grabs him and powerbombs him off the top rope. At this point, Show has also decided he's done playing nice. He goes and gets some weapons. He gets two steel chairs, and also grabs the ladder Orton introduced. Then, he sets up a ladder bridge (ladder elevated over the mat, using the two chairs).
  
  Then, he goes to use his ladder bridge: he lays Orton across the ladder, then gets up on the second rope for a Vader Bomb. Oh, shit. Orton, however, moves; otherwise, he might be dead. Show lands on the ladder, and sells a broken rib. No sympathy from Orton, who pounces on the wounded giant. Stomps and punches get him in position for the Hangman DDT. Nails it.
  
  Only a two.
  
  Orton coils, stalks, and pounces. RKO.
  
  Only a two and a half.
  
  Orton decides he needs more weapons. Decimates Show with a steel chair, including several shots to the ribs. But when he starts adding in some fancyboy flourishes to his swings, Show sneaks under one shot and lands a spear.
  
  Only a two.
  
  As soon as both are to their feet, Orton suddenly hits an RKO out of nowhere, this time, with Show's head landing on a discarded chair. Orton doesn't even bother covering. Instead, he pantomimes that he's going to punt Show (for some reason, the announces feign confusion; idiots), and the crowd eggs him on. So he steps back and lands the sissy looking Booty Kick o' Doom for the win.
  
  Orton winning gives me no joy, but call a spade a spade: that was a solid, intense brawl, with ample big spots and ultraviolence. Another 12-15 minute one, and definitely good stuff.
  
  
• John Cena and Ryback went to a No Decision in a Last Man Standing Match for the WWE Title. Cena makes his usual intro, including the full sprint the ring, which is presented as a "mind game" by Cena to show Ryback his ankle is fully healed. Boxing-style intros. Some trivia from Cole (the WWWF/WWF/WWE Title is 50 years and 1 month old, and Bruno's record title reign started exactly 50 years ago with his win over Buddy Rogers). And then, we ride...
  
  Seems like standard 50/50 crowd response for Cena, but there is no love for Ryback. Back and forth feeling out process has Cena cast as the fast, high-flying one, while Ryback has the power/strength edge. Cena gets to bust out a few chops he doesn't usually show.... reminds me of the rare times when Shawn Michaels would get to wrestle as the "big man" (remember the match he had against Rey on Eddie Tribute Night?). Kinda neat.
  
  As usually happens, power beats speed, and Ryback takes command about 3 minutes in, and he just keeps landing big move after big move, allowing the ref to apply a 10 count to Cena in between. It's kind of like the "I Quit" Match in the sense that it is NOT a realisitic spot for a finish, so letting the count play out is less than compelling. BUT: Ryback is taunting the crowd while it's happening, so the crowd is vested in the unconvincing count and the deluded jackwad that's posing and taunting.
  
  Also: every slow 10-count that the ref applies is an extra 20 seconds of rest for Ryback, who is -- shall we say? -- limited in the cardio department.
  
  Basically a lather/rinse/repeat process for 4-5 minutes, with Cena getting hope spots after every 3rd 10-count. During one of the breaks, Ryback brings a table into the ring, and props it up in a corner. After Cena's next hope spot, Ryback snuffs that out by slamming Cena through the table. This time, you actually start believing in the 10-count. But Cena's up at 8.
  
  Quick flurry by Cena ends with a spear by Ryback. But Ryback spends some time clearing the table out of the ring, and taunting some more. When he goes for the Shellshock, Cena floats over and hits a powerbomb. That's a deep cut, as far as Cena's arsenal goes. It gets an 8-count. Cena tries to follow up with a UFC-style choke-out, but Ryback just deadlifts him and slams him to the mat. Ryback follows up with a Meathook. Cena gets up at 9.
  
  Ryback tries to charge again, but Cena ducks, and locks in the SSTF. He keeps it locked on as Ryback fades into apparently unconsciousness. Cena releases the hold, and the ref applies a count.  When Ryback begins stirring at 6, Cena goes under the ring and gets a table. He sets it up in the ring, as Ryback gets to his feet at 9.
  
  Quick exchange of blows, Cena gets the better of it, and he hoists Ryback up, and lands an F-U through the table. Ryback JUST BARELY gets to his feet at 9. Cena starts digging deeper for big moves, and tries going up top, but Ryback catches him, and snatches him off the top rope for a Shellshock. Cena up at 9.
  
  Ryback decides to go after Cena's Achilles' Heel. By which I mean: his literal Achilles' Heel. He winds up to whack Cena's ankle with a steel chair, but Cena adjusts, and kicks the chair back into Ryback's face. Cena follows Ryback out of the ring, and spears Ryback through the ringside barricade. Wow. Both men up at 8, and the brawl spills into the crowd, and back to the production area on the camera side of the floor. Convincing 9 count for Ryback after he plasters Cena with another piece of barricade. Then a convincing count for Cena after he rallies with a sleeper hold.
  
  Then, Cena pulls out the big guns: he lays Ryback out on the table, and then climbs up to the first level of the arena, and jumps off with a leg drop through Ryback and the table. OK, so it was only 7 feet or so, and not exactly Jeff Hardy caliber, but that was sweet. Ryback up at 9, again, however. Cena grabs a fire extinguisher, and uses it to sort of herd Ryback back up to the entrance stage. Once there, he uses the extinguisher as a blunt force object, for a more convincing attack than the foam. The ref counts again. Ryback up at 9.
  
  Then, a quick exchange. Ryback tries for a Shellshock off the stage to the floor. Cena counters into an F-U attempt (again, trying to hit it off the stage to the floor). ANd then: Ryback just tackles Cena through the video wall, which explodes with some pyro, as both men fall through the wall.
  
  We get a few replays of the big spot, and then cameras catch up to the men from a backstage perspective. Both are draped over various steel support beams at first, but then Ryback gets to his feet, and walks off (aided by two refs). All while Cena is completely motionless, and being placed on a backboard by trainers.
  
  Meantime, the crowd is chanting various things to indicate that they believe this non-finish bears resemblance to male bovine excrement. I think they were expecting the match would continue, but no dice. As they oversell Cena's condition, some of the teenage girls bust out a true-believer "Let's Go, Cena" chant, and some of the adults in the audience try to counter it with "Cena Sucks," but you can tell their heart's not really into it, and they're mostly just let down by the non-ending.
  
  About 20 minutes until the final spot, and it was definitely good stuff, or at least, heading in a good direction. The utter lack of satisfaction, however, is an issue. A few sparklers located 10 feet away from the impact doesn't cover for the fact that it's one of those "highspots" where the audience doesn't actually see the violence. With no visceral reaction to a "holy shit" moment, it's harder to forgive the no decision. I know this is the jaded, long term wrestling fan in me, and that somewhere there are probably children who honestly fear for John Cena tonight, but.... man alive, there IS a difference between one of these highly choreographed/hidden bumps, and the ones that happen right out there in full view of the audience.
  
  I'm not being too big a dick about this, am I?
  
  Anyway, the huge oversell on Cena's injury means they never once bother talking about winners/losers. So for now, call it a no decision with Cena retaining, as a result. But you know there's another shoe that may fall, since Ryback walked away from the bump, while Cena never regained his feet and got carted out on a stretcher. Only way you get away with this is thanks to HHH/Lesnar being available to main event... as distasteful as this was on the undercard, imagine how shitty it would be if this was the main event, and it ended with a giant "NOthing happens. But maybe it will tomorrow night, suckers."
  
  
• Brock Lesnar beats Triple H in a Cage Match. I look at the clock and think "Whoa, we're running late." HHH must agree, because halfway through Lesnar's entrance, he sprints out and attacks from behind, jumpstarting the match. I'm guessing it's an audible, and it's a good one. When HHH tosses Lesnar into the ring, and we officially ring the bell, it's 10:30 (eastern), which is probably 10 minutes late. But still 5 minutes sooner than it would have been with full entrances.
  
  Despite HHH's jump start, Lesnar almost immediately takes command, tossing HHH repeatedly into the cage. The cage, by the by, is a new one: it's a little taller, and all 4 sides are made of 3 panels (instead of 2). This much, you can see with your own eyes. The announcers also assure us it's heavier gauge steel and much less forgiving than ever before. We'll take their word for it.
  
  Lots of big shots off the cage, and suplexes by Lesnar, and even a pretty convincing Homage to Lawn Darting. But the crowd is kinda dead. I blame the previous non-finish. Key moment: Lesnar tries to do a knee lift as HHH is laid out against the cage, and HHH moves. Lesnar's knee hits one of the steel braces of the cage (also, his face hits, and he starts bleeding a bit from the mouth). But the knee is key.
  
  Even as Lesnar keeps command for a bit, he's screaming about his knee, and talking to Heyman about how he thinks he blew it out. Heyman suggests finishing it NOW, and Lesnar concurs. Eschewing any standard wrestling finishers, Lesnar goes into UFC mode, trying every arm and choke submission he can think of. Pretty cool idea.
  
  Also: this is standard cage rules, including escapes. So when HHH goes for an escape, Heyman attacks the ref, and slams the door in HHH's face. He also passes a chair into the ring for Lesnar to use.
  
  So amazingly, Lesnar keeps control despite the injury, thanks to his expansive repretoire (and chair). He even hits an F-5... but it hurts his knee, so he's late making the cover. HHH kicks out. Heyman's pep talking reaches douchey proportions, as he screams "Shake it off!", like it's a paper cut. Lesnar shoots a death stare, and goes for a second F-5.
  
  This time, the knee buckles, and HHH capitlaizes. One chopblock later, HHH grabs the chair and goes to work on Lesnar's knee. Lesnar gets a quick repreive when he's able to snag a kimura out of nowhere, but HHH is strong enough to fight out. And then, HHH is not pleased at being kimura'd, so he hits Lesnar with a Dragon Screw Legwhip, and then a Figure 4. I love it when guys bust out awesome moves they don't usually do, but it's for a logical reason. Love it.
  
  Brock's not tapping to any Figure 4, thought. He powers out, and leaves HHH laying with a suplex. Then, he (stupidly, but with Heyman's urging) tries to climb out over the top of the cage. HHH catches him, and yanks him down to the mat. Then, HHH goes to the top of the cage, but not to escape: instead, HHH grabs a silver spray-painted version of Sweet Lady Sledge that had been camoflauged in with the cage rigging. Crafty.
  
  But as soon as HHH gets back down to the mat, Lesnar is waiting, and punches HHH in the face. Lesnar grabs the sledge, but HHH trips him up and locks in.... the Sharpshooter? Yes, the Sharpshooter! Holy shit, that thing I said about "moves you don't usually do, but doing them because it makes sense" goes double, now.
  
  Heyman has seen enough. He KO's the outside ref, and enters the ring, breaking the Sharpshooter. Heyman eats a Pedigree, but Brock has a chance to recover. Brock tries to swing the sledge at HHH, but HHH ducks.  The sledge flies out of Lesnar's hands. HHH immediately gets up and hits a Pedigree out of Nowhere.
  
  Two and 9/10ths, and Lesnar kicks out. HHH is trying to figure out some follow-up, but Heyman is back up to his feet, and HHH turns his attention to Paul. Just as Heyman's about to be Pedigreed again, Lesnar grabs the sledge and whaps HHH in the face with it.
  
  Two count. HHH kicks out.
  
  Lesnar has had enough of this happy crappy. He hoists HHH up to his feet, then hoists him up again to land an F-5. This time, there is no kick-out. A very nicely constructed 20 minute main event that, sadly, probably didn't get quite the reaction it deserved from the live crowd due to the previous match. And yeah, that hurts the overall presentation, no matter how hard I try to be impartial and dispationate.
  
  Lesnar (and a barely ambulatory Heyman) leave the ring, but only after Lesnar lays Sweet Lady Sledge across HHH's body, in a "symbolic" gesture. "Live by the sword, die by the sword" or some such.
  
  Quick visit with Renee and the Boys, hyping the post-show. Then back to the ring, where HHH struggles to leave the ring, and gets an imaginary ovation as they play his music and try to create a moment. Nothing like ending a PPV by mlking the he-goat, fellas. Fade to black on HHH leaving the ring, because he lost!
    

And so ends the show. Not a bad show, but one where nothing really stood out as youtube-worthy, if you're looking for suggestions.
 
Just a bunch of matches that were very solid, some striking me as really well constructed (the main event was cleverly conceived and well executed, and also the unconventional lay-out to the Jericho/Fandango match was a plus), and others just missing the mark (the "I Quit" match was pretty silly, and the there was a basic disconnect between the gravitas of the final spot and the no decision for LMS), but really, nothing that deviated THAT much from an overall average of "slightly above average."
 
You know, like whatever new book Dan Brown just released. You'll read it, you won't hate it, but you will wonder if it was really worth paying for when you could probably have just waited and watched "Angels and Demons" for free on TNT next weekend, and it'd be basically the same thing.
 
In our case, that "for free" thing happens tomorrow night, with RAW. And if you missed Pyro's last recap, you'll be dealing with me on RAW recaps for the time being.
 
The recaps? Also free. But they don't have to be. If you like maintaining a nice karmic balance, I am always very thankful to the percentage of you who take the time to make a Paypal donation to help keep OO's bills paid.
 
And to the larger percentage of you, I'm still thankful for your patronage. Patronize me again tomrrow for RAW, why don't you?