So that makes two PPVs, and two delusional nutjob enemies of the free world who are dead. Coincidence? Probably. But it's still good news.
 
Except for Daniel Bryan. Back in May, the highlight of the Extreme Rules PPV was internet darling, Christian, winning the World Title on the same night Osama ate lead. Then, he inexplicably jobbed the title over to Orton 5 days later. Tonight, internet darling Daniel Bryan may be riding high on the same night North Korea's Angry Lesbian expired, but history tells us it might not last.
 
Aww, who am I kidding? Not even WWE is stupid enough to do a title change on a Christmas Weekend edition of SmackDown when nobody's watching. Which means they'll change the title again tomorrow on RAW instead of waiting 5 whole days! ZING~!
 
Anyhoo, here's what happened at the just-completed Tables Ladders and Chairs 2011 pay-per-view:

• Zack Ryder beat Dolph Ziggler to win the United States Title. Contrary to the "Night of Too Much Ryder" (which was held somewhere down south, where folks are a bit slower on the uptake), the Baltimore crowd is mega-hot for Zack, and way into this match. That always helps provide a little extra sizzle.
   
  Match starts with chain wrestling exchanges, which Dolph tends to win, which results in him preening and "showing off" like an asshole. Zack hit one or two flashier spots that actually did merit celebrating (including a to-the-floor running senton), but then fell into the requisite mid-match heel beatdown.
   
  When Zack rallied, and had Ziggler down for a pin, Vickie interfered and pulled Ziggler's leg onto the bottom rope. But the ref caught her, and ejected her to the delight of all. From here, both guys just absolutely kicked it into another gear with counters and convincing near-falls out the wazoo. Finish comes with Zack on the turnbuckle, and Ziggler trying to charge to knock him off. Instead, Zack is able to dodge and counter, and Ziggler stumbles back towards the middle of the ring, where he gets a Rough Ryder leg lariat for his troubles. One, two, and three.
   
  Zack is off to celebrate with his dad and the Big O, and I'm left to celebrate a VERY strong opening match. Good work, great atmosphere, and a happy ending after 12 solid minutes.
   
  
• Backstage: Matt Striker is interviewing Booker T when Cody Rhodes attacks from behind. Booker is led to the trainers room, where we later find out he's been advised that he shouldn't compete tonight.
   
  
• Air Boom beat the Colons to retain the Tag Team Titles. The match gets started with Cole pushing the notion of the Colons being a red-hot team (due to their past week's worth of wins on TV), which clashes with Kofi/Evan getting off to a hot start of their own. The tandem offense fizzles after about 2 minutes, though, when Epico and Primo foil a high-flying move by Bourne, and send him crashing out of the ring to the floor.
   
  Cue up about 5 minutes of top-notch Face in Peril action (with Kofi doing a great job of cheerleading to keep the crowd stoked), then the hot tag, then the house o' fire routine by Kofi, then the Pier 4 brawl, and then the champions winning once the dust finally settled. In this case, that meant Bourne hitting a top-rope-to-the-floor crossbody on Primo, leaving Kofi alone in the ring to hit the Trouble in Paradise on Epico after a sweet double-reversey spot.
   
  Right around 10 minutes, and a damned fine "bonus" match. Pure formula, but like I always say: there's usually a reason why something becomes a formula. Namely: that it works. In this case, Air Boom executed it to perfection with the Colons more than holding up their end.
   
  
• Randy Orton beat Wade Barrett in a Tables Match. They do about 30 seconds of feeling out, and then it's straight to the tables. Of course, there's a difference between trying to introduce a table, and actually having your opponent disabled to the point where you can do anything productive. So it was more like they went straight to the part where one guy would move a table about 5 feet, then get punched, and lather, rinse, repeat.
   
  This made for a disjointed opening 5 minutes or so, where they just meandered around ringside (and up to the stage briefly) brawling half-assedly while also not quite succeeding at setting up any tables. Although Barrett came up bleeding early on, the basic outline for the match saw him being the guy on the offensive, controlling the brawl, while Orton hit the quick flurries to break up the table spots before going back to get his ass kicked.
   
  Around 8 minutes, they got to the point where there were actually a few semi-convincing table teases. But that came to an abrupt end when Wade went to the top rope and tried to drop and elbow onto Orton (who was laid out on a table). Instead, Orton popped off the table, and RKO'd Barrett through said table. Fin.
   
  Not to repeat myself, but "disjointed" really is the right word here. Maybe "perfunctory," too, since it seemed like MAYBE it was getting on track there at the end, when BAM, the match is over. Not even 10 minutes, I don't think. Not horrible, at all, but kinda disappointing. I mean, Randall had a really fun brawl with David Otunga 2 weeks ago, and Barrett > Otunga, so what gives?
   
  
• Backstage: Teddy Long (in a Santa Suit) is confronted by Jack Swagger (who is still upset about Mark Henry attacking him on Friday), then Sheamus shows up at random, and Santa Teddy decides to give the fans exactly what they didn't ask for for Christmas: a bonus Sheamus/Swagger match. Whee.
   
  
• Beth Phoenix beat Kelly Kelly to retain the Women's Title. Speaking of bonus matches, here's another one... and although Kelly can be awkward/sloppy (not to mention, obnoxiously scream-y), it's one that actually made an effort to be taken seriously as a wrestling match. Beth was solid with the heel beatdown segment, Kelly's hope spots were compelling enough, and then they went into End Game after Beth whiffed on a top rope leg drop. Some legit near falls/counters that jostled the crowd to alertness, and then they had Beth resorting to a back-up plan (a reverse powerbomb where Kelly landed face-first) to finally get the hardfought win.
   
  Somewhere in the neighborhood of 6-7 minutes, and nothing to complain about. Certainly a notch above the women's matches they've been putting on TV lately.
   
  
• False Start: Booker T starts making his way down to ringside, having decided to compete, afterall. He is jumped from behind by Cody. After a brief beatdown, the trainers once again corral Booker, and we're led to believe he will NOT be able to compete tonight.
   
  
• Triple H beat Kevin Nash in a Sledgehammer Ladder Match. Not really a Ladder Match in terms of psychology, since you don't win by climbing the ladder. You win by taking the sledgehammer and using it as a weapon AFTER you've climbed the ladder, because it's not over till you get a pinfall. If you're asking yourself "What happens if you get a pinfall BEFORE anyone climbs the ladder?", you're in good company, because I thought the same thing. And then Jerry Lawler accidentally stumbled across the same notion, and promptly shut up and did not mention the possibility of a non-sledgehammer pinfall again.
   
  But come along with Hunter and Big Kev and suspend disbelief (and common sense), won't you?
   
  Match pretty much spills out to ringside and finds its pace as a "WWE Main Event Style Brawl," where it's clear they're getting a little more lee-way from the ref, but it certainly doesn't feel like a ladder match. First ladder spots start about 5 minutes in, but they aren't climbing spots; they are more bludgeoning spots. Triple H is the one doing the swinging, and he immediately targets Nash's knees. After pounding away, HHH laces Nash's legs through the ladder and then applies a Figure Four in a spot that looked like it had to be hurting SOMEbody.
   
  Of course, HHH released the hold before crippling Nash, and when he did, he made a half-hearted attempt to climb the ladder (slloooooowwwwwwwwllllllyyy), which gave Nash time to limp over and put a stop to that. Now it's Kev's turn to get some sustained offense, nominally working on HHH's neck and back (which is the injury that kept HHH out for 2 months). For the most part, this amounted to slamming HHH into or onto ladders. Around 12 minutes, it meant planning to Jackknife HHH through the commentary desk... but HHH backdropped Nash to escape, and both men struggled back into the ring in the equivalent of the "both men down, ref counts to 9" spot.
   
  Now they start making sincere attempts at climbing the ladder, only to be plucked off at the last second. Eventually, HHH takes a table (introduced earlier by Nash), and sets it up in an odd alignment, then also sets up the ladder for climbing... Nash starts climbing up the other side, and both men reach the top at the same time. They trade blows. But then, HHH is able to get his fingers on the sledge (which is hanging head-side down) and swings it into Nash's head. Then he swings it again, and on that blow, Nash is sent toppling through the previously erected table. Wow. Fly, Big Sexy, fly. I guess all that time spent in Madagascar learning to be an X-Division guy really did pay off!
   
  Obviously, HHH is able to get the sledge, but once back down on the mat, he opts to drag Nash out of the table wreckage and hit him with a Pedigree. He got up, instead of going for the pin, leading the crowd to chant "One More Time." But that wasn't HHH's intent. Instead, he grabs the sledge, and intends to use it to land one final blow before finishing the match...
   
  Nash blearily begs for mercy while he's on his knees, and even flashes the Clique hand sign... but HHH just shakes his head and hits a DX Crotch Chop, instead. Once and for all, it is entered into WWE Canon that DX > nWo! Then HHH blasts Nash in the head with the hammer, and takes the pinfall.
   
  Upwards of 16-18 minutes, and while it was slow going for a while, it certainly picked up in the end. Surprise highspot followed by a tinch of interpersonal drama right at the end, and I'll take it. There was little doubt that HHH is the one who was gonna win this feud in the end (afterall, HHH is the one who'll have to be taken seriously as a top player at WrestleMania, while Nash can get away with playing a nostalgia role if he plays any role at all), but I wasn't sure if they'd have him win it this soon. Certainly, keeping some heat on Nash so that he can be a credible entrant in the match that made him famous (the Rumble) wouldn't have been a horrible idea, right?
   
  
• Sheamus beat Jack Swagger. Swagger got some offense, but lets not kid ourselves here: this was a match where the outcome was never in doubt, and that just doesn't work on a PPV. At under 5 minutes, you have to wonder why they bothered. If you don't give it time to be a better-than-free-TV match, then just leave it be. Given that the main event was a little abbreviated, it makes me even more annoyed that the 5-6 minutes Punk/et al needed to take a very good match to a great match were squandered here.
   
  
• Big Show beat Mark Henry to become the new World Heavyweight Champion in a Chairs Match. When Show started the match by canvassing ringside and tossing about a dozen chairs into the ring, Henry decided to leave the danger zone, and threatened to walk out on the match. Big Show was able to put a stop to that, and we once again go into a "tour of ringside" brawl.
   
  Once back in the ring, Show tries to unload a KO Punch, but Henry blocks with a chair. This sets up our basic story of the match, which has Show's punching and chokeslamming hand broken. He can't even grasp a chair to swing it. So Show is basically hapless, since he can't mount any offense. Henry just starts picking away, confident that he'll wear Show down, all while the announcers are positing that Show might have to grit his teeth and go for one last desperation move no matter how much it hurts. And if he doesn't hit it, well, it'll be curtains for him.
   
  And then, just like that, Show dodges a chairshot and lands a KO Punch directly to Henry's jaw. He takes a moment to sell how bad his hand hurts, but is able to roll Henry over and make the cover. One, two, three, New Champ.
   
  Wow, that was not just surprising (given that Henry's been clicking well as champ), but it was surprisingly fast. Under 5 minutes, with a finish out of nowhere. Wonder if that was planned, or if somebody realized (after wasting 5 minutes on a Sheamus squash) that it was now well after 10pm, and there were still 2 matches to go. Seemed like they had a pretty compelling hook (Big Show's attempts to muster offense with only one hand), but then again, with these two, the action side of things will always be lacking even if the drama side is spot-on....
   
  But wait, there's more... as Show celebrates, Henry comes to, and is very angry. He attacks Show from behind, hits a World's Strongest Slam, and then follows up with a debilitating DDT onto a steel chair. Henry leaves, and our new champ is looking anything but victorious as he's unconscious in the middle of the ring.
   
  But wait, there's even more...
   
  
• Daniel Bryan cashed in Money in the Bank to pin Big Show and become the new World Heavyweight Champ. Bryan's music hits, he sprints out with a briefcase, consults with the ref, and it's on. Bell rings, Bryan covers Show, and gets the three count. Elapsed time: probably 5 seconds.
   
  Wow, wow, and wow. This flies in the face of past MitB Etiquette, which required the casher to wait until the cashee was conscious and able to get to his feet before the ref would ring the bell. If WWE is gonna pull the rug out from under us again (a la Christian at Extreme Rules, as referenced above), there's a possible way they'd do it... if so, they won't even wait till Friday, is my guess. They'd announce it tomorrow on RAW. If so, I'm recycling my headline from May, because Kim Jong-Il may be dead, but the terrorists have already won.
   
  After the match, Bryan had a lengthy celebration, during which Michael Cole acted like a miserable little bitch. Also (and more importantly), Big Show regained consciousness and was clearly NOT pleased. But he restrained himself. For now. It'll be interesting to see how the heel/face alignments play out: Bryan was VERY opportunistic (possibly to a heelish degree), but if Show calls foul it's a giant bullying an underdog (to a heelish degree), all while Henry will still have a claim to the title (with rumors that WWE wants to turn him face to capitalize on his recent momentum). Not to mention: Kane has to go after Henry, if there's even a lick of continuity here.
   
  Nutty.
   
  
• Cody Rhodes beat Booker T to retain the Intercontinental Title. Cody enters first this time, as the announcers explain that Booker was essentially disobeying doctor's orders to compete tonight, and that he should just be willing to postpone the match until he was 100%. But no dice. Booker wanty to fighty NOW.
   
  Match starts with Cody looking pretty proud of himself for stacking the deck in his own favor, but when he decides to toy with the massively-injured Booker, Booker surprises him with an extended flurry of offense. Crowd is right there with the requisite "You Still Got It" chant. But Booker is still "injured," and Cody's able to use that to his advantage to slow Booker down after 2-3 minutes.
   
  Still, it's not a true heel beatdown, as it feels like Booker's Hope Spots are almost mini-flurries of their own... so the story of the match becomes "Oh my, Booker hasn't lost a step" as Cody has difficulty scoring any points off him. Booker's genuine comeback kicks in, and he plants Cody with a spinebuster. He briefly considers an immediate follow-up, but then decides to give the fans a Spin-a-roonie.
   
  Bad idea. Booker gets up from the Spin-a-roonie, and is a little dizzy (no doubt the result of his previous "injuries")... although Booker has designs on a Book End, his disorientation allows Cody to counter and land his fancy-lad single-jump kick-y move (I can't remember for sure, but it has a silly name, which I think might be "Beautiful Disaster"). That's it for Booker.
   
  Decent little 6-8 minute match that not only told a story in which Booker comes off well (he only lost because of two pre-match attacks), but which showcased Booker WRESTLING well. There will obviously be more to this one (unlike HHH/Nash), and I think these two will get a chance to deliver the goods in a future contest that isn't essentially a Friday Night Special in terms of length/action.
   
  
• CM Punk defeated Miz and Alberto del Rio in a TLC Match to retain his WWE Title. Per usual, there's no way I'm bothering with detailed reporting the action... there's just too much of it. Not just because of the props and the highspottery, but because it's 3 guys instead of 2. I'll try to outline the key bits, though.
   
  It should be noted that the crowd was HUGELY behind Punk. It should also be noted that Alberto and Miz tried to form an alliance against Punk, but it lasted all of 3.7 seconds before they started bickering. This allowed Punk to control a decent amount of early offense, trading between one-on-one segments against Miz, then del Rio, while the other one powdered out.
   
  About 6-7 minutes in, the tide finally turns when Punk tries for the first real Ladder Ascent of the match... but Ricardo Rodriguez decides to interfere, and handcuffs Punk to one of the lower rungs of the ladder. Punk's able to forcibly rip that rung out, so he's free. But he's still got the handcuff around his wrist. And Miz and del Rio have had ample time to recover.
   
  Punk's going back and forth with Miz when Alberto attacks from behind to send Punk flying out of the ring and through a table on the floor. Time for an extended Heel vs. Heel segment, with Alberto getting the better of it, including both ladder- and chair-assisted version of his cross armbreaker. When he finally decides to climb the ladder, however, Punk has had enough time to recover, and dumps Alberto off in a manner which causes Alberto to crotch himself on the top rope. Ouchie.
   
  Now it's Punk and Miz again, with Punk getting the better of it... but when Punk makes an Ascent, Ricardo interferes AGAIN and pulls Punk off. Then, for some reason, Ricardo starts climbing the ladder himself. Then, before Ricardo can reach the top, Punk and Miz both regain consciousness, and tip the ladder backwards... Ricardo goes plunging out of the ring and in the general direction of two tables that had been previously set up. It was meant to provide a nice big landing area, but Ricardo missed the first ladder entirely, and just grazed the second one. But the refs signaled he was OK, so let's turn our focus back to the ring after that Holy Shit moment...
   
  Punk and Miz start trading blows again, and Punk backs Miz into a corner... but instead of punching his way out of it, Miz gets crafty. Miz grabs Punk's wrist and handcuffs him to the middle turnbuckle (the handcuffs have been dangling from Punk's wrist this whole time). Miz then counters his craftiness by getting stupid. He decides to start taunting Punk, by sticking his chin out just inches out of reach of Punk's flailing punches... then Punk gets crafty: he stops flailing with his arms and blasts Miz in the head with a stiff kick. Legs are longer than arms, dum dum!
   
  But Punk's still handcuffed to the turnbuckle. And Alberto's finally getting back to his feet after nursing his scrotum injury. And Miz is stirring after the boot to the head. Punk gets to work fast: he rips off the turnbuckle pads and starts trying to untwist the connection between the buckle and the ring post... it's a frantic race against time, as del Rio and Miz both start climbing the ladder...
   
  And finally, at the last possible instant, the middle ring rope is yanked from the ring post... Miz and del Rio are both on top of a big ladder, inches away from the belt. Punk immeidately shoves a smaller ladder up next to their ladder, and climbs up to make sure neither grabs the title. Punk kicked Miz off, then spiderman'd over to take Miz's place on the big ladder. Punk shoves del Rio off the ladder and through another table. Miz pulls Punk off the ladder. Punk hits Miz with a GTS. Punk is able to climb the ladder and grab the belt before either Miz or Alberto can recover.
   
  About 15-16 minutes, and while it had a really creative and satisfying finish, there just didn't seem to be enough stuff to take this from the "very good" level to "great." And like I said, that becomes even more noticeable when you see upwards of 10 minutes being pissed away on a random squash match. Give this TLC Match an extra 10 (or even an extra 5), and pack in a few more big spots where the crowd might bite on a false finish, and the "creative and satisfying" finish might become epic. As it was, the Scary Bump of the Night was done by Ricardo, and didn't tie directly to anybody making a compelling/believable climb up the ladder. Maybe I wouldn't have noticed it if I wasn't attenuated to the issue of the Sheamus squash, but it did feel like Punk and Co. could have made great use of the extra time to give their match just that extra dollop of substance it needed to feel like big time, tell-your-friends, find-it-on-youtube main event match. Oh well.
   
  Show ends with Punk celebrating in front of a very supportive crowd.
    

And so ends the show. And so ends my recap. Remember, OO gives and gives and gives to you people all year long! So, during this holiday season of giving, why not give back to OO. You know how to do it. Every little bit helps keep things running smoothly.