End rant. And since it's been a week since I helped assemble Christmas at my mom's house for our annual reconvening there, I do, in fact, feel safe extending you all best wishes during this, the holiday season.
 
Hope all's well for OO Nation as 2010 comes to an end, and here's hoping that my regular contributions to the thousands and thousands of you readers and your overall happiness and well-being is viewed as my gift to you. By my count, 14 PPVs I watched that you didn't means I saved you about $600 bucks this year... you can feel free to thank me via PayPal Donation.
 
Alternately, I would be most grateful to anyone who wants to drop hundreds of dollars' worth of NewEgg.com gift certificates on me; for a while, I've been REALLY jonsing to try to build my own computer (to get maximum bang-for-my-buck, since all brands seem to charge $150-250 more for the same -- or sometimes LESSER -- components that I could build myself), but seeing as how I've never done it, and might not be good at it, I'm too chicken to spend my own money on a selfish experiment. 
 
Or PayPal. PayPal's easy, and that way, I can even put your donation towards my OTHER "want, but don't really need" project, which is my own first electric acoustic guitar after a post-holiday visit to the local pawn shops. Yes, The Rick has reached the point in his sissified life where he actually wants a plug-in acoustic so that he can (in the words of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog) "amplify this crap." I've amplified my myriad of regular electic guitars over the years (as god intended, and with a level of rocking YOU will never achieve), but I want to branch out into the Sacless Hippie Arts with a plug-in acoustic. Maybe I'm just getting old...
 
But I digress. My latest contribution to you, the Fine Readers, are the quick-and-dirty results from the just-completed Tables Ladders and Chairs 2010 pay-per-view:

• Dolph Ziggler retained the IC Title in a three-way Ladder Match over Kofi Kingston and Jack Swagger. I, personally, was hoping for a little 1-on-1 with Kofi and Swagger, but it never materialized; Kofi basically alternated between the two heels while the other hell powdered out, and Swagger had a lengthy "outage" when a trainer ran out to tape his hand/wrist. The way it played later one, it was either a pre-booked psychological element to the match, or such a minor "injury" that Jack decided to use it and his opponents decided to attack it. For some reason I can't fathom, they had Vickie Guerrero climb the ladder late in the match when all four men were down selling injuries. Kofi got to his feet first, and tried to politely coax her down from the ladder. She wouldn't climb down. Ziggler recovered just as Kofi was starting to (slow-motion) tip the ladder over, and kept him from doing so long enough for Vickie to get down. For his troubles, Dolph ended up taking a plunge from the ladder himself, and for the final moments, it WAS Kofi-v.-Swagger. Both were on top of the ladder, both grabbed the belt, but then in the tussle, the belt dropped from both their hands to the mat... Ziggler -- from his prostrate spot on the mat outside the ring -- saw this, and slid into the ring, under the ladder, and grabbed the belt. He was declared the winner (as the first man to "control" the belt after it had been removed from it's perch. Decent-but-short match, but I gotta admit: I've been waiting 10 f'n years for WWE to use that finish to a ladder match (it's the finish I used in my 2001 Fantasy Universe for my invention of "TLC^3"), and its usage makes me feel somehow all smart and clever and ahead-of-my-time. Call it 10 minutes you won't feel stupid for spending on WWE.
   
  
• Nattie Neidhart and Beth Phoenix beat Team LayCool in a tag team Tables Match. This one got time to play out and develop, and wound up being OK. But something WWE needs to consider is that no matter how talented somebody is, they need repititions and experience to effortlessly deliver the goods... so WWE told these 4 to go out there and take 10 minutes to tell your story, and you can tell the raw talent is there, but it still just kinda... you know... didn't flow the right way. WWE will see this as an excuse to not give women showcase matches like this, but I see it as a reason to give them MORE matches and more time on a regular basis so that they can just waltz through 10 minute matches like some of the Ladies or Yore (Trish, Victoria, Molly, Lita, et al). As it stood, they put a ton of effort into creating their spots, but in between, things got clunky. The two best spots were for the benefit of Nattie and Beth, who got to show off their power: Beth hoisted both of McCool and Layla up for a Double Samoan Drop, and later, Nattie piled LayCool on top of each other and then cinched in a Double Sharpshooter that was neat. Finish was LayCool trying to double superplex Nattie through a table, but a save by Beth stopped that. Nattie then shoved LayCool back and onto the table, but the pesky table didn't break. So Nattied called an audible and delivered a Bonus Splash to seal the deal.
   
  
• Santino Marella and Vlad Kozlov retain the Tag Titles with a DQ win over Nexus' Slater/Gabriel. If WWE can't be bothered to take tag wrestling seriously, then here's to them at least giving us tag champs who are fun and get an actual crowd reaction so we can PRETEND that tag wrestling matters. Amusing mic work from Santino, then an amusing comedy wrestling segment by him before tagging in Kozlov, who becomes the Face in Peril. After 5 minutes, hot tag to Santino, who is about to hit the Cobra when the rest of Nexus swarm the ring to attack. That's a DQ.
   
  After the Match: Wade Barrett also saunters out, with a chair, and joins in the beatdown. The message here is: Wade Barrett knows how to use a chair, so John Cena'd best be ready later on tonight. [Note: I'm not gonna actually bother recapping the throw-away, low-content mini-segments between the matches, but you should know that as the night wore on, every non-Barrett member of Nexus was laid out with a chair-wielding Cena so that it'd be 1-on-1 for the main event.]
   
  
• John Morrison beat Sheamus in a #1 Contender's Ladder Match. Here's The Me resorting to a tried and true old trick of mine... because there is literaly no point to me doing any form of play by play or recappening of this match. It was the easy Match of the Night, and unfortunately, even *I* lack the capability to paint adequate Word Pictures of it. Tons of very impressive, very violent, and very innovative spots here; plus, after an early vocal minority started cheering for Sheamus ever-so-slightly, the Story of the Match also kicked in and got the fans behind Morrison. That story: Sheamus coming up with all kinds of ouchy ways to hurt Morrison's left  leg/ankle. Later on, as Morrison rallied, that added to the drama, as Johnny wasn't able to capitalize as quickly on his openings, and (for once) all those silly drawn-out, allegedly "dramatic" teases that we sometimes get in ladder and cage matches felt RIGHT. It fit. It didn't seem like a guy being forced to milk/sell an injury until the exact right moment when he could finally stand up and and stop his opponent at the very last second; I really don't care for that, but this match found a way to work it in in a believably, non-phony way.
   
  Final moments had Morrison dragging himself up the ladder till he was almost able to grab the contract... but Sheamus made aforementioned last second save. OR DID HE?!? Because as Sheamus tipped the ladder backwards, Morrison extended his right (uninjured) leg, and propped it against the top rope to stop himself from falling, then kicked backwards and propelled himself (still on the top of the ladder) forward, and towards an unsuspecting Sheamus. As the ladder landed upright, square in the middle of the ring, Morrison's forward momentum allowed him to kick Sheamus right in the face with a front kick. Sheamus goes down; Morrison waits a moment for the wobbly ladder to stabilize; then Johnny grabs the contract and wins the match clean.
   
  Twas 20 minutes long, and up until the end it was already "very good." That finish was just plain "excellent," though, and probably my favorite ladder match finish ever in terms of meshing creativity and athleticism with something uncommong in ladder finishes: suddenness and surprise. The viewer didn't think Morrison could win until literally 1.5 seconds before he did. THAT is how you catch folks off guard and make them jump out of their seats in shock. If you like wrestling, you should probably youtube this one tomorrow once it starts making the rounds.
   
  
• The Miz beat Randy Orton in a Tables Match to retain the WWE Title. Alex Riley was there to assist Miz, which led to the dynamic of the match where Orton thought he had Miz set up for a table spot, but Riley would move the table, and "save" the match. This was only barely tolerable (due to the stipulation) for the first 8 minutes of bleh; reports are that Orton's working hurt, but I honestly don't think that impacted the quality of the match, as he still hit all 3 of his standard moves that people actually care about, and was as lethargic as ever in between... crowd did perk up for the signature spots, though, and definitely hated Miz. Finish came after a ref bump; Orton finished off an exchange with Riley, and powerbombed him through a table, while Miz held back and let his lackey be sacrificed. When Orton turned around, he walked right into  Miz, and got a Skull Crushing Finale for his troubles. Miz then surveyed the situation, and got crafty: he dragged Riley out of the Table Wreckage, and dragged Orton ONTO the Table Wreckage. Then he slapped the ref into consciousness, and the ref saw Orton amidst a broken table, and called for the bell. All of 8 minutes, so maybe Orton IS working hurt, but honestly: if you just make the match longer, it would have been more of the same, except, you know, more of it....
   
  BUT WAIT: as Miz celebrates and watches his own evil antics replayed on the TitanTron, he has a moment of epiphany... if HE's watching the replay, then.... uh oh. He turns around to see the REF watching the replay, too. And the ref no-likey what he sees. The ref restarts the match...
   
  
• The Miz beat Randy Orton a second time, just for shits and giggles. Orton started Match #2 a House o' Fire, throwing Miz from pillar to post for 30 seconds before sending it back into the ring. But in the ring, Riley was just now getting to his feet, and when Orton climbed up onto the apron, Miz shoved the half-conscious Riley into Orton, who fell through a table that had been set up onto the floor. Miz wins again, and this time, it counts. Match #2 was all of a minute, so if you addit too the 8 minutes of Match #1, and about 3 minutes of interim Miz Celebration, the whole thing still only took 12 minutes.
   
  Color me a HUGE fan of the finish(es), however. Just excellent and creative as a way to give Miz credibilty (he can brag he beat Orton twice in a night, and he's NOT lying), while still leaving Orton relatively undamaged. The excellent finish, however, still came after a match that was mediocre at best.... this gets to the issue of WWE increasing booking for "moments" instead of for start-to-finish matches and top-to-bottom shows. I find this distressing and lazy on their part, as they seek to keep fans hooked with the bare minimum of content, instead of relishing the chance to keep fans engrossed for the totality of a match or show. I'd expound further but I already did a 2000 word rant about this in the OO Forums earlier in the week. I'll spare you.
   
  
• Edge won a 4-Way TLC Match to become the New World Heavyweight Champion. Not quite as good as the Morrison/Sheamus match, but still loaded with enough highspottery that I'd be doing the match a disservice to attempt play-by-play, and have that count as your official account of the match. Instead, I'll try to focus on a few key elements, and tell you that this one is also probably worth your 30 minutes of youtube time once the match pops up there on Monday. Or maybe skip part 1, and just watch parts 2 and 3; you won't miss much.
   
  Each guy got at least one believable climb up the ladder, and each guy took at least one hella wicked bump; I can't decide if Edge's top-of-a-ladder-to-the-floor splash (on Kane) was crazier, or if Alberto del Rio getting tipped over from the middle of the ring though a double-wide ladder made me cringe more. Glimpses of Vintage Rey were to be seen, too, including a double-jump move where he tried to catch Kane with a modified, extra-complicated LionSault, but got caught in mid-air and power-bombed.
   
  That was also near the end of the match (just prior to that was del Rio's big bump), so it boiled down to Edge and Kane. Nice jockeying-for-position final spot as Kane wanted to suplex Edge out of the ring through a table on the floor; Edge avoided that, however, and dropped Kane throat-first on the top rope to stun the big man, then Edge took a few steps back and Speared kane (through the ropes), so Kane flew back and through the table. Everybody's down, so Edge climbs up, grabs the gold, and he's your winner.
   
  About 25 minutes from bell-to-bell, and solidly-entertaining, especially once it found its groove. Once they started doing real ladder teases (about 7-8 minutes in), you not only got more drama, but said drama made each subsequent/stand-along high spot more meaningful. Also, in so far as there was a story to the match, it was that it was ALWAYS del Rio who ruined Rey's best chances to grab the title. Right place right time for Alberto? Or just being a prick? Who cares: it was a hell of a way for the guy to have his first meaningful/memorable match in WWE, and even without winning the belt, he won CREDIBILITY tonight, by proving he fits in just fine with the big boys. Also: kudos for expanding it into the 4-way, as there's no way Alberto/Rey and Edge/Kane on their own could have accomplished as much good as putting all four together in this one match did.
   
  
• In-ring Segment: Cody Rhodes came out to talk about his Expertise in the Metrosexual Arts, still (apparently) unaware of the fact that he is the male equivalent of a Butterface. Try as you might, Cody, you cannot polish a turd. No matter how much body-waxing and baby-oil you use. Then Big Show (dressed as Santa) comes out to give gifts (copies of his movie on DVD) to fans, and confront Cody. Cody calls Show the ultimate in male heinosity, especially with his spending half his movie wearing tighty-whities. Show responds by slapping Cody around and stripping him down to his underpants (since Cody's evil, they may be tight, but they are also black which matches his socks, or something). Whee?
   
  
• John Cena beat Wade Barrett in a Chairs Match. So THIS is the main event? Oy. When CM Punk makes a grand entrance before the match, I have visions of his RAW speech where he talked about "somebody backstage who has wronged him," and immediately assume he's here to lay in wait for the right moment to revenge upon Cena for Cena's crime of dietsodacide. What, you don't remember what Cena did to Punk diet soda 3 weeks ago? Well: Punk remembers, and that's all that counts~! Turns out, Punk joins the commentary team, and doesn't do anything else for the rest of the night, so forget I mentioned it...
   
  Match is.... I dunno... "exactly what you'd expect it to be," maybe. For the first 10 minutes, I swear the most entertaining thing was listening to see what "Let's Go Cena!" chants could beat out "Cena Sucks!" chants. Everything else was just methodical and bland, and featured at least a half-dozen instances of Cena and Barrett battling for control of THE SAME CHAIR (only to have said chair drop and force them to futz around aimlessly again), even thought there were SCORES OF OTHER CHAIRS all over the place. Each man could easily have armed himself instead of doing the "battle for the same chair" shtick, aimed to amuse the mentally enfeebled.
   
  After 10 minutes, though, I have to grant bidness dun picked up, and this turned into a restaurant quality slobberknocker. It started as they brawled up the ramp to the stage. Finally: they broke out of formulaic mode, and you had to keep your eyes rivetted to see what would come next. And what came next is a spot that was really cool, but which I PROMISE YOU Cena stole from Edge's original plans for his 1-on-1 match against Kane (where Paul Bearer would be in a wheelchair, if they hadn't killed that angle).... instead, Cena wins the stage brawl against Barrett, and then slips backstage for a moment, and comes out with an office chair (on wheels). He props Barrett up in the chair, pours some water on him to get him back to Full Consciousness, and then sends him careening down the ramp at Mach 2.7, where Wade crashes into the steel ringsteps (which Barrett had set up moments before, as he'd intended to use them before the brawl went up the ramp and turned to Cena's favor). Nice.
   
  Back in the ring, Barrett manages a few little Hope Spots (do you still call them that when a heel is doing them?), but Cena puts the final kibosh on things with a move that... well... I didn't know Cena had it in him. The dude goes into some kind of trance and starts channelling the ghosts of both Sabu and Billy Gunn, he ascends to the top rope, and then.... ATOMIC ARABIAN FAME-ASSER~! For those of you who don't watch your tapes and don't know why that's awesome, allow me to explain: it's a Fame-Asser, because he dropped his leg over his opponent's neck; it's Atomic, because he did it from the top rope; it's Arabian because, much like Sabu, he added a (perfectly legal in a Chairs Match) steel chair to the mix. Cena leapt off the top rope, positing the chair under his right leg, and then drove said chair and right leg into the back of Barrett's neck.
   
  Barrett was going nowhere after that. But Cena had further plans.
   
  Cena set up six chairs (two rows of 3, facing each other), and thus delivered an F-U through the chairs which looked especially ouchy since Barrett actually landed hard on the chairs, which didn't give (like they usually do). Cena actually had to yank the chairs out from under Barrett so that he was on the mat, and then he covered him for the 3 count.
   
  Call it just shy of 20 minutes, and though the first 2/3rds of the match were absolutely useless (especially on a PPV stage), the End Game was satisfying, and once again affirms my belief that Cena's not bad, he's just a victim of an incompetent creative team and a kiddie-friendly business model. I can't help but imagine what an Attitude Era Cena might have done... and when I imagine it, the glimpses of dedication that we see out of the guy make me pretty sure the wanker audience wouldn't be quick to boo him. Oh well.... until competence returns to WWE, Cena can pat himself on the back for being the right guy, just at the wrong time.
   
  After the Match: Of course, after I say that, the wholly satisfying end to the match is sullied by WWE attempting to  do whatever it is they do.... Cena (ever our shining White Knight and ultimate Good Guy) decides to keep whapping Barrett with chairs, and then does an unbelievably awful and unconvincing "stunt" where Barrett is shoved under a hand-cart (the kind you use for storing steel chairs), which he could easily escape from as it was far from a tight fit, and then Cena yanks part of the set (comprising of a matrix of steel chairs woven together and hanging above the stage), so that the chairs all fall onto the hand-cart, which is plenty sturdy such that Barrett didn't fell a thing. Whoever thought of that "spot" should be punched in the throat; every other person who heard of the spot and OK'd it for use on TV should stand on a set of traintracks until they are dead. Christ that was dumb. And it's the way we end our show tonight. Plonk.

In the interests of giving a fair review, I'll just try to pretend that final post-match nonsense didn't happen at all. I mean: it doesn't add to the story line, and you could have just as easily changed channels when Cena was announced as the winner, and had a far better taste left in your mouth. So that's what I'll do.
 
Main event wasn't any great shakes, but the last few minutes were good, so even if I weigh those minutes more heavily, I can't complain too much. Toss in a surprisingly good Morrison/Sheamus match (made all the more aweseom by the clean and ultra-creative finish, instead of the expected Return of HHH to cause Sheamus' loss), and you got a hands-down Match of the Night. The SD four-way was a bit behind that, but still PPV-worthy.
 
Everything else was OK, but it really topped out at "good" (which is what we can fairly expect out of free Monday/Friday matches), but didn't quite have the PPV Caliber Sizzle going. Still, if you get 3 hours where it's hard to be offended by anything that happens? I'll call that a win for everybody involved, even us fans.
 
Well: everybody but Nexus. It'll be really hard to keep them credible coming off a night where their only competent member (Barrett) was thrased so soundly by Cena. The Catch-22 here is that if you try to keep Nexus relevent by doing a "breakup" angle, you're wrose off than trying to brush off the futile night they had and keep them together; Barrett is only over because he has 6 guys helping him. And those 6 guys are only tolerable because they are helping Wade. So that'll get dicey.
 
But that's also for another time. The final verdict on WWE's TLC 2010 PPV is: guilty of being mostly watchable, with between 1 and 2 matches actually worth the fans' time to go out and watch on youtube.
 
Again: happy holidays to y'all. If you're traveling (or partying too hard), stay safe, and once you get to wherever you're going, stay happy. I'll see you again soon -- and by "soon," I mean maybe even before New Years. You see, I have all these top secret sources, and I've been keeping their secrets all year long. It might be time to expose them, like the true freedom-fighting "journalist" that I am.... who wants Rick-ileaks?!?!?!?!!?
 
Note: Rick-ileaks would be 100% fabricated. But still amusing.
 
Later on, kids...