So maybe you can blame me if I got your hopes up by suggesting there'd be at least one noteworthy happening at the PPV.
 
Or maybe blame Roddy Piper for cutting such a killer promo on RAW that made it seem like we'd get our money's worth if we let ourselves care about Cena's decision.
 
Or you know what: just blame WWE for continuing to misunderstand the purpose of a PG rating. Hey dipshits: it means you're putting on a product kiddies CAN watch with adult supervision. It does NOT mean you're putting on a product that ONLY kiddies can watch without retching in horror at how stupid, hyperbolic, and phony your show is.
 
With that all said, here are your quick-and-dirty results from the just-completed Survivor Series 2010 pay-per-view. See if you can make it all the way through to the ending that offended me so... I'll try to help by keeping it brief, since there's really no reason to go giving myself brain damage by lingering too long on this show:

• Dan Bryan beat Ted DiBiase to retain the US Title. A really nice little match, with a surprisingly hot crowd making sure the quality of the work popped off the screen. The early pacing helped, too, as they didn't fall into the standard formula of Methodical Heel Beatdown after all of 2 minutes. Instead: DiBiase was uber-aggressive, but Bryan matched him guts-for-guts with a strike-oriented defense/offense that kept us back-and-forthy and fast-paced for a good 6+ minutes. At that point, Bryan did a no hands plancha onto DiBiase, but landed in a way that hurt his own shoulder, as well. So that slowed it down a bit, and gave DiBiase an easy target to punch any time Bryan started a rally. Even then it wasn't a genuine "heel beatdown," it was just a way for DiBiase to interrupt Bryan's nonstop kicks. A "whoa" moment came when Bryan finally worked his way into position to land a top rope backdrop superplex; dangerous to the point where maybe we don't need to be seeing that every week, but certain effective as punctuation here on a PPV. Finish was DiBiase reversing his way into a slingshot; Bryan ran headfirst into the turnbuckle and stumbled backward; DiBiase had visions of Dream Street, but Bryan hooked the arm, too DiBiase down, and cinched in the Labelle Lock. DiBiase taps out. About 10-12 minutes of show-opening goodness.
   
  After the Match: Bryan was celebrating on the stage, when Miz (and Alex Riley) attacked from behind. Bryan was laid out with the MitB Briefcase, and Miz headed to the ring...
   
  
• The Most I've Cared About the NBA Since 2002 Theatre. The PPV is in Miami, Miz is from Cleveland; you figure it out. And don't skimp on the Lebron Hate. Really good promo, actually, with the gist being that try as they might, Miami = Mediocrity, while Miz = Champion... and Miz = Champion SOON, because "it's no longer a question of if, it's just a question of when." Too bad something that had so much heat on it was rendered absolutely pointless fluffery by the end of the show. [Of note: there were some pretty serious lighting issues for the opening match and Miz's promo, with all the arena lights going out for 10 seconds or so at a stretch, and only the Trons/LCD displays staying on. Happened 3-4 times here, but then not again the rest of the night.]
   
  
• John Morrison beat Sheamus via pinfall. Huh. That thing I said about a hot crowd helping a well worked match pop? Not applicable. Cuz they really did settle it down into standard formula fare quickly; I said in the preview that the key to this match clicking would be working in some kind of stip/permission for Morrison to work his youtube stuntboy gimmick into things. They didn't. So this just mostly sat there. It got so bad that I think Sheamus was all "What the hell, people?" and took it out on Morrison with these crazy-mean rapid-fire beatings that had the unintended affect of getting a few CHEERS out of the crowd. Cuz at least Sheamus looked like he cared there for a second. Anyways: this match was ALL Methodical Heel Beatdown, really, except for the part where Johnny wouldn't stay down. So finally, Morrison lands a jumpy springboard kick out of nowhere and follows it up with a knee to the head. And somehow, that's enough to score the 3 count at the 10 minute mark. Like I said: huh. Based on the godawful commentary, I'm guessing this was meant as an Afterschool Special for all the 8 year-olds in the audience who just hate meanie bullies like Sheamus. Otherwise, I'm not sure I see the point, since surely all this losing HAS to end with Sheamus just flipping out and kicking the shit out of somebody. Or multiple somebodies. Lord knows HHH ain't coming back to feud with a guy who hasn't won a match in 3 months.
   
  
• Dolph Ziggler beat Kaval to retain the IC Title. Kind of a blend of the first two matches, in that it started off awful bland, but then they kept giving fans reasons to perk up, so they got loud and rowdy by the end. Which is good, because it (slightly) drowned out Cole's distractingly awful acts of Ear Rape. Formula heel beatdown lasted about 3 minutes, and then gave way to more action and faster pace; I actually think the switch was flipped instantaneously on a sweet-looking handspring kick by Kaval that landed HARD. At the very least, Ziggler's nose was bloodied by it... I'm not saying I approve of gore and garbage wrestling, but there is such a thing as taking PG too far, cuz stuff like this just make us fans believe we're watching a fight.... nice reversey and double-reversey spots from here on out, even counter wrestling on top rope moves. Kicks and nearfalls for Kaval, attempted sleepers that get countered for Ziggler, and the end game ends up being a quadruple reversey spot where Kaval seems to work his way into an airtight small package, only to have Dolph grab the tights and reverse it into a 3-count. Boo. About 8-10 minutes, and just about splitting the difference between the two opening matches in terms of quality.
   
  
• Team Mysterio beat Team del Rio (kinda) in a Traditional 5-on-5 Survivor Series Elimination Match, when Rey Mysterio and Big Show were the dual Survivors (sorta). Good guys are: Rey, Show, Kofi Kingston, MVP, and Chris F. Masters. Bad guys are: Alberto del Rio, Jack Swagger, Drew McIntyre, Cody Rhodes, and Tyler Recks. And man alive is Miami ever crazy go nuts for MVP. Because Miami is gullible when it comes to believing its not a soul-crushing place to live. Luckily, Team del Rio puts an end to that by making MVP the first elimination when MVP was trying for Ballin' on Drew, but got distracted by del Rio (on the floor), then got rolled up by Drew while del Rio held his feet down. CFM tagged in and tapped out to del Rio's cyclonic armbreaker in about 30 seconds; fitting. Show came in, and del Rio tried to fight a good fight for a few moments, but when he realized all he was doing was making Big Show angry, he scurried to his corner and tagged someone else in. Show didn't care: he still KO Punch'd del Rio (who was eventually carried out by medics) before tending to the legal man.
   
  At this point, the announcers pretty much just wrote Alberto out, even though he was not legally eliminated. Really? We're not allowed to notice this glaring discrepancy until YOU decide it's time (which will surely be Friday night on SD)? I again repeat: some of us are NOT 8 years old, dum dums.
   
  Funny spot here as Cody got his ladyboy self all alather when people started wanting to punch him in his face. Because he's the only one who is unaware of how unattractive he is int he above-the-neck-region. This involved running, hiding, checking his face in the mirror of his ring robe, and eventually protecting his face from Big Show, only to get clobbered in the back of the head, which gave Show MORE than enough time to land another KO Punch. This time on the legal man. To hear Cole & Co. tell it, sides are now even at 3-on-3. Uh huh.
   
  That was probably the most entertaining part of the match, and happened about 12 minutes in. For the rest of the way, the good bits were limited pretty much to when Swagger was in for the heels, trying mightily to secure an anklelock submission for his team. He finally succeeded, but only in the aftermath of Tyler Recks being eliminated (how? I don't care, and neither do you), while Kofi was distracted, allowing Swagger to lock it in. 2-on-2, now. But only for about 90 seconds. Some nice big guy/little buddy spots led to Swagger getting pinned after Rey splashed him from Big Show's shoulders, and almost immediately after, Show chokeslammed McIntyre to finish the job. Even though del Rio was never eliminated. About 20 minutes.
   
  Even if the payoff to this is a super-hilarious segment on Friday where del Rio insists he was never pinned and thus, should be named the winner, only to have Teddy Long come out and declare that NO, that doesn't make del Rio the winner -- but it DOES mean we can resume the PPV match right here tonight, where we left off: with Rey and Big Show 2-on-1 versus Alberto -- I still don't get why we had to sit there and be insulted by the announcers pretending they weren't aware that del Rio was never eliminated. That's even dumber than Kevin f'n Dunn's stupid fetish for phonily framing camera shots so the home viewers are surprised when somebody pops in from off-screen, even though the live crowd sees the whole thing developing and usually gives it away with an audible sound. Not. 8. Years. Old.
   
  
• Natalya won the Women's Title in a handicap match over LayCool, by making Michelle McCool tap out. If this match was much over 3 minutes, I'll eat a bug. Which becomes only more annoying considering that the PPV effectively ended 20 minutes early, so it's not like there wasn't time to be spent elsewhere. Good enough while it lasted, as Nattie and McCool are about as able-bodied as WWE's got on the roster. Layla was still occupied outside the ring (after a quick brawl out there) when Nattie was able to lock the Sharpshooter in on Michelle for the win.
   
  After the Match: LayCool decided to cut Nattie's celebration short, but before they could land a single clean shot, Beth Phoenix made her "surprise" return (after a 9 month injury absence) to clear the ring. Beth hugged Nattie, but when she hoisted Nattie up on her shoulders, I almost thought she'd drop down with an Electric Chair and give us a heel turn. She didn't. Which is how it should be, at least for now.
   
  
• Kane retained the World Heavyweight Title following a double-pin Draw versus Edge. The less said about this one, the better. Seriously. Just brutal from the get-go, with Edge's "psychological" attack involving an empty wheel chair placed at ringside, so Kane didn't know where the abducted Paul Bearer really was. Which was an excuse to spend 8 minutes on chinlocks and other antics where Kane could be zoomed in upon so he could shout "Where's my dad?" at Edge. So bad. "End Game" lasted all of 2 minutes, and started when Edge intercepted Kane coming off the top rope. Some back and forth and near falls, then Edge hit the Spear. For some reason, he purposely moved so he rolled onto his back with an arm laid over Kane's chest. The ref counted three and Edge's music played, BUT NO~! The ref corrects us, because Edge's shoulders were down, too, so it's a "tie." Yes, a "tie." Not a "draw." Because again: we mustn't confuse the 8 year olds. So bad. And I say that as a man who will try his best to defend Edgeward at every turn. But I can't do it here. This was 27 seconds of meh in a 15 minute bag.
   
  After the Match: Edge flips out, but oddly doesn't take it out on himself and his purposefully stupid choice of obviously rolling over onto his own back. Instead: he takes it out on Kane, but putting him into the extra-wide wheelchair and crashing him through a barricade. On the plus side: next PPV is TLC, and TLC is Edge's match. On the minus side: if you haven't already pre-envision the "clever twist" where SD's title match is a Tables Ladders and WHEELChairs Match, you just aren't thinking like WWE.
   
  
• Justin Gabriel/Heath Slater retained the Tag Team Titles over Santino Marella/Vladimir Kozlov. Total waste of a match here. First: it was under 5 minutes. Second: Slabriel had all of Nexus with them, and it was for the dumb reason (a one-sided heel win) rather than a possibly interesting reason (is Otunga really part of the team or not?). Third, we all know why Santino and Vlad are over, but they still had Kozlov act as the Face in Peril, while Santino tried manfully to start a "Let's Go, Kozlov" chant, only to have the fans choose to chant "San-Tine-Oh" instead. Yep: no way anyone could have seen that coming. Heels use the 5-on-2 to get the cheap victory, and wheeee: nobodys happy. Striking while the iron is hot is for suckers.
   
  
• Randy Orton pinned Wade Barrett to retain the WWE Title; in other news, John Cena is fired and will never be seen on WWE TV again. EVER. I'm seriously dudes. In fairness, it certainly was better than the last three matches. But given all the damned hype about how something important was gonna happen (from Piper's sell job to interminable video packages with awful angst-y ballads and Cena gazing wistfully into the distance to just the mere fact that this has been built up for 3 months so that fans are entirely JUSTIFIED to expect something to happen), this can't count as anything but a major whiff.
   
  Orton and Barrett had pretty much the match you'd expect them to have. Which is to say: the loudest chant was "Cena sucks," the second loudest was "Let's go, Cena," a distant third was "R-K-O," and in last place was "Barrett sucks." When gladiators like Orton and Barrett tussle, truly, the crowd perches on the edge of its seat waiting for some other guy to do something they might actually care about.
   
  And in this case, that guy did pretty much nothing along those lines. He called it right down the middle. Which is what he said he'd do. But surely something would happen eventually? Right? RIGHT?!?
   
  Nope. Not really. After a few almost-halfway-convincing nearfalls for Barrett, Wade got pissy at Cena; but Cena was right, and Orton's hand DID get the ropes before the 3-count. So Wade shoved Cena. Cena shoved back. Barrett stumbled right into an RKO. Cena counted the 3, and then went to sulk in a corner like the attention-starved 2nd grader that he so often comes off as on TV.
   
  Orton got his belt and celebrated, all while keeping an eye on Cena (who had no desire to leave). Finally, Orton did some kind of dumb guy skunk eye at Cena and decided Cena was a good guy who did the right thing. Orton hugs Cena, then leaves, while gesturing for Cena to take one final moment in the spotlight. Uhhh, Cena: remember back one whole month ago when you were just trying to give Orton his title back after the match, but Orton RKO'd you for no reason, instead? I do. And if I'd been in that spot, I'd have seen his mantard "hug of respect" and raised him a kick in the balls. Then FU'd him. Then laid in a few stomps, and then gone back to my corner to watch as Miz came out and pinned the decimated Orton, without doing anything to stop it. "I may be fired, but at least now we're even for last time, you choade," would have been an INTERESTING way to end. One of countless interesting ways.
   
  Instead: we got pretty much the lone uninteresting finish. Or at least, the least interesting of a handful of unsatisfying finishes. We got a crowd chanting "Na na na na hey hey hey goodbye" at Cena for the first part of his needy posing and farewelleries. Then that part of the crowd left, and Cena kept milking it for another 10 minutes in front of a half-empty (but better-behaved) arena, because the actual main event and all possible interesting bits ended 20 minutes early, so SOMEbody had to fill the time.
   
  No commentary for those 10+ minutes, as WWE tried mightily to create a moment of gravitas where none existed, and eventually faded to black after a lengthy bit of Cena's glad-handing.
  

Can't really fault the opening half of the PPV. With the exception of Sheamus/Morrison, the first four matches were very enjoyable, and could have set the tone for a top-to-bottom solid PPV. And then: shit happened.
 
Women's match was way short. Kane/Edge was way long and mega-stupid. Tag match was utterly pointless. And the main event -- the match that decides the final taste in your mouth at the end of the night -- is either the 4th or 5th best match of the night, but with the run-away #1 Most Anticlimactic Finish.
 
The Main Event Factor is amplified in this case because this really was a "one match show" in terms of what matches could provide a PPV-worthy headline. When that match failed on every level, and served up the purest tripe, it's truly a fail of epic proportions. So thanks for playing Dan Bryan and Kaval and Team Mysterio and Team Swagger... we appreciate it. But we'll also not remember a lick of it tomorrow. We'll be too busy still salty over WWE making us feel like we wasted not only our money, but our time, tonight.
 
I mean, seriously: I know some people disagree with my raging "anti-PG" stance and argue that "Hey, Rick, just because it's PG doesn't prove it's only for 8-year-olds, it just means 8-year-olds CAN watch it." And maybe they're right. But on nights like tonight, I counter with "Hey, dum dums, when you spend 3 months building up a storyline to pay off at one of your four signature events, and you instead deliver a climax that only an 8-year-old could believe, THAT's when I've proved that this is a product that can only be watched by 8-year-olds." Cuz that's pretty much the entire demographic who'll honestly give a shit about Cena being "fired."
 
OK, maybe some wankers will too. And they'll be happy about it, because no Cena = better RAW. Yeah good luck with that. I'll set the over/under on "times Cena's name is mentioned tomorrow" at 78. Have fun with your "Cena-free" show, dum dums.
 
It's just lose/lose, all around. It's almost unbelievable that a large phalanx of people had 3 months to sit around coming up with ideas, fully aware that this moment would come, and something would have to happen that people cared about. And yet: I give you the 2010 Survivor Series, ladies and gentleman.

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