Stay tuned to see how that turns out.
 
Till then, I know why you're here. You're here to get free PPV results from the best yarn-spinning racanteur in the "rasslin' media," who paints word pictures, instead of relying on wanktastic, unilluminating star-ratings and other 7th-grade-level ass-hattery!
 
Also, you are obviously a leech and NOT here to donate to help re-assure me that you appreciate me more than weenisses like Keller and Meltzer. Admit it: you'd love to have a beer with me someday, unlike those two and their entire vaguely-loser-y ilk. But since you will never enjoy my company in a drinking transaction, why not make it up to me with a small financial transaction? I should note: I don't drink beer, so you'll be buying me a Maker's Mark on the rocks. My watering hole of choice currently prices that at $4.25. Adjust your donation accordingly, you parasites!
 
And with that, you're also ALSO here to find out what happened at the just-completed Night of Champions 2010 pay-per-view. Welp, here you go:

• Dolph Ziggler beat Kofi Kingston to retain the InterContinental Title. Slow and methodical to start, with restholds, feeling-out, and an alleged "story" that involved Vickie Guerrero's NXT Rookie Kaitlyn -- who I have personally voted as the Best Reason to Watch NXT over in the OO Forums (also, there are half-nekkid pictures of her in the same thread)-- getting a little too cheerleader-y for Dolph, so Vickie sent her back to the lockerroom so she could have her Dolphikins to herself. Whee? About 6-8 minutes of disconnected back-and-forth leads up to Dolph locking in a sleeper. Then Kofi with the by-the-numbers fire-up and rally that briefly spills to the outside. Once Kofi decides to take it back into the ring, Vickie creates a distraction, which leads to Dolph telling her to quit (as the title would change hands on a DQ or count-out, and she was putting his title at risk by interfering). They tease tension between the two, as Kofi lurks, ready to attack... but when he tries to strike, Vickie tips Dolph off, and he ducks just in time. Kofi lands awkwardly in the ropes, and Dolph follows up with the Zig Zag for the pinfall win. Dolph and Vickie celebrate the (clean) win together. About 10 minutes of tepidness that might have sufficed on a Friday Night, but which was wholey underwhelming on a PPV stage. 
   
  
• Big Show beats CM Punk. Punk does some genius pre-match mic work in which he celebrates his fantastic hometown of Chicago (the site of the PPV, and also MY favorite town due to my living there for a while, then going back there once I was older and could appreciate its awesomeness, and MOSTLY due to a Punk-disapproved establishment known as Delilah's; go there, if you are geographically proximate; but fair warning, I have heard tell that it has started to suck SLIGHTLY more since last I was there, with too many lame DJ nights and less emphasis on the Best Juke In The World and real rock 'n' roll by the people for the people, but I'm betting it's still REALLY awesome, what with the cheap swill and tons o' whiskey and upstairs pool room), but then Punk swerves all the idiot fans by saying he loves Chicago, but hates each and every Chicagoan who has ruined his hometown since he left. The promo lasts longer than the match, which is a methodical beatdown by Punk that seems to have the goal of softening Show up for the Anaconda Vice (since the GTS would be useless against Show).... then Punk went for a springboard clothesline, and Show shoulder-tackled him out of mid-air. A grand total of one KO punch later, Big Show is your winner via pinfall. Maybe 4 minutes from bell to bell. Bleh: not even a standard fun/feel-good Big Show entertainment-y outing. Just dull and anti-climactic.
   
  
• Daniel Bryan beat the Miz via submission to win the US Title. Full hype/video package treatment, which seemed to have the effect of warming up the crowd quite effectively. Out of the gate, there were both "Miz-is Aw-ful" and "Dan-yil Bry-yan" chants and plenty of intensity. Fast-paced start gives way to Miz dominating the middle portion of the match by focusing on Bryan's arm/shoulder; the story here is that doing so will reduce Bryan's ability to lock on his LaBelle Lock finisher (also: thank you, Matt Striker, for explaining that name; I'm a wrestling genius, and I had no idea until tonight).
   
  About 10-12 minutes in, however, Danielson hits a big rally, and the match as a whole shifts into another gear. Bryan goes from sympathetic babyface getting token cheers to a credible possible winner when he busts out the Rib Buster Plancha for the first time since his NXT debut match against Jericho. Big pop for that, and for the subsequent follow up by Bryan. A secondary story developed as Bryan's injured shoulder allowed Miz to snuff out rallies and stay out of trouble; also, Miz used the injury to attempt submission moves of his own, which would have been the Ultimate Dick Way to beat Danielson. Some convincing false finishes as we lead up to Bryan locking in the LaBelle lock for the first time...
   
  That's when Miz's NXT Rookie Alex Riley got up on the apron and Bryan broke the hold to fend him off. Miz recovered and shoved Bryan out of the ring; Miz then kept the ref distracted so Riley could do a number on Bryan. But it backfired, and Riley ate steel ringpost, and became a non-factor. Back in the ring, Bryan and Miz traded roll-ups and near-falls as the crowd ate it up... Miz thought he was in control, only to be countered by a go-behind, and Bryan locked in the LaBelle lock again. And this time, there would be no escape. Miz tried to get the to the ropes, but in the end, he had to tap out. Bryan celebrated to huge cheers, and Miz really helped sell the moment by borderline weeping-like-a-girl. Call it 18-20 minutes, and the night's first PPV worthy contest, capped off by a genuinely satisfying underdog happy ending.
   
  
• Michelle McCool beat Melina in a Lumberjack Match to unify the Women's and Diva's Titles. In a show of solidarity with PyroFalkon, I, too, shall refuse to call this a "Lumberjill" match. Which is a big deal, since there really wasn't a whole lot to this match that didn't involve all the divas on both brands acting as lumberjacks. LumberJACKS. Michelle and Melina did limited (but decent) spots in the ring, but this was more about one of the women being tossed to ringside, and the subsequent results at the hands of the lumberjacks. Melina would get tossed, and nothing bad would happen to her -- not even when she was near Layla, McCool's erstwhile partner, potentially alienated by Michelle's selfish act on Friday's SD -- but Michelle would generally get prickly heat (or worse) when she fell to ringside.
   
  A particularly notable series of confrontations took place between McCool and Natalya Neidhart (foreshadowing, or coincidence?). TANGENT: on a Night of CHAMPIONS, it looks like the only person affiliated with the Unified Tag Team Champs to appear on the PPV was Natalya. Sorry 'bout yer damned luck, Tyson Kidd and David Hart Smith. Were I a wanker, I'd rant indignantly. But I'm not, so I'll just point out that Nattie is how a girl should look in tight jeans. If the girl is very lucky. Sweet Zombie Jesus, did that ever make for a pleasant visual. I am legitimately uncomfortable that I feel this strongly about somebody who is that genetically similar to Jim the Anvil Neidhart.
   
  Back to the match, where Michelle gets tossed again, and it causes a huge 15-diva brawl. In the chaos, Michelle herself escapes and recoups, while Layla proves her allegience to LayCool by getting into the ring and attacking Melina. Melina gets the better of it, but the distraction was sufficient. Melina turns around, and walks right into a Big Boot by McCool. For some reason, that's enough to score the win. LayCool celebrate together, making it clear that the "co-champions" thing will continue, even now that they are co-unified champs. Call it 6-8 minutes of inoffensive (but utterly forgettable) gimmicky fluff.
   
  
• Kane beat the Undertaker via pinfall to retain the World Heavyweight Title. Taker is in no mood to waste time. Realizing this is a No Holds Barred Match, he bum rushes Kane just as Kane steps onto the ramp for his entrance.
   
  [Wanker Observation: so, no entrance pyro for Kane. Which can only mean he'll blow the fireworks AFTER the match, in a victory celebration. Or am I thinking too hard?]
   
  Huge beatdown by Taker on Kane up on the stage, including using the props on either side of the stage... but when the fight returns to ringside, Kane takes control by reversing a whip, and Taker eats the steel ring steps. From there, it's all Kane for an extended beatdown. As it spills to ringside, Cole says "Taker is completely powerless. He hasn't landed anything. He just can't get out of the gate." Uhh, dipshit, did you see the same start of the match that *I* did? Cuz Taker got out of the gate GREAT, then Kane reversed a whip and Taker ate steel.... as if reading the Rick's mind, and wanting to display his own inate grasp on Continuity, Taker reversed a whip and KANE at the steel ring steps. Poetic Justice, but the Nice Touch was totally lost on anybody relying on Cole to tell them the story of the match.
   
  Nice sequence by Taker (including a crazy no-hands flying clothesline), but it's brought to an end by a chairshot to the ribs by Kane. Another huge beatdown by Kane, this time spilling out into the crowd. Back in the ring, Taker rallies for a "Yay"/"Boo" Trading of the Fists; Taker wins, then lands a hooking clothesline. Snake eyes. Big boot. Leg drop. Chokeslam. Totally G-rated Throat Slit. Attempted Tombstone. But Kane does that cool float-over reversal immediately into a Tombstone of his own. One, two, and three.
   
  Kane wins clean (and yep: there's the pyro!), as the announcers underline Kane's dominance and Taker's possible debilitated state. Taker stumbles, feebly, to the back as questions are raised about the End of an Era. Effective 12-15 minute segment in terms of REALLY "making" Kane in a way WWE never has before. "Meh" match, but compared to the "gay spooky" they've been doing with this story, this was a HUGE step forward in terms of making me care/believe.
   
  With another PPV in just 2 weeks, and with that PPV being Hell in the Cell, the chances for KEEPING me caring/believing are many. Because the FIRST EVER HitC Match was October 3 (the PPV in 2 weeks is October 5), and featured the Undertaker losing to Shawn Michaels. Because that's the night Kane debuted and assaulted his older brother, after months of teasing/hinting by Paul Bearer. How awesome would it be to play on that Unlucky 13th Anniversary gimmick for a Kane/Taker HitC match?Very awesome.
   
  [I'll spare you my additional thoughts about how -- if Shawn Michaels were to be interested in coming back as an infrequent Special Attraction Wrestler -- this would ALSO be a great opportunity to have HBK run in on Kane/Taker HitC, just like Kane ran in on Taker/Shawn HitC... but this time, in support of the Undertaker. My fantasy wankery ends with Taker eventually winning the title to go to WM to do something important, while Shawn gets drawn into a thingie with Kane -- slow burn, infrequent TV appearances -- that ends with Michaels getting to face Kane (who I don't think he's ever had an extended feud with, so it'd be fresh, and given Kane's recent amazing promo work, and also awesome) at Mania as well. Which means Michaels can win one last big WM match, instead of going out on a losing note.]
   
  
• Drew McIntre and Cody Rhodes won a 5-Team Gauntlet Match to win the (renamed/downgraded) "WWE Tag Team Titles." Well, in my face. The tag titles ARE being acknowledged on this PPV. In a totally pointless, random, and unannounced match. Making it worse: Nattie lost the jeans and is just back to standard neon pink ring gear. Oh well. Score it a win for Wankers, and a loss for a man who doesn't think pink is ever the most flattering fashion choice, even if you are a girl. First segment of the gauntlet match is the Harts vs. the Usos. Cole (proving he reads OO, even if he doesn't apply its wisdom to his work) tries to educate Lawler about which Uso is which by pointing out that Jay -- with the short name -- wears the short trunks. Then King points out, "uhh they're both wearing short trunks." Sorry Cole, my nugget of wisdom was valid two months ago, but came with an expiration date. HUGE highspot for Tyson Kidd hitting a sweet Asai Moonsault, but then it just broke down into a Pier 4 brawl, and with a little distraction from Tamina, the Usos steal the win.
   
  Segment Two brings us Santino and Kozlov as challengers (to a big pop). Santino gets a big flurry, and is prepping the Cobra, but is distracted by Tamina immitating him. A Samoan Slam from behind gets Santino pinned.
   
  Segment Three: Evan Bourne and Mark Henry enter, and Henry does a Santino-like flurry (but slower and more slobberknockery), but has the good sense to tag his partner in, instead of beingdistracted by Tamina. Bourne hits the 450, and just like that, it's over.
   
  Segment Four: enter Drew McIntyre and Cody Rhodes (to Drew's music, which causes me to Wanker Observize that this means the heels win and Rhodes scores the win so they'll play HIS music; BANK ON IT~!). Finally an extended sequence, as Bourne plays the Face In Peril. Hot tag to Henry, who immediately whiffs by 8 inches on a punch (and gets boos for it). He pretends it didn't happen and keeps beating on Cody until Cody is laid out for another 450. Henry tags in Bourne, and they TRY to do a 450 off Henry's shoulders (instead of the top rope), only to have Drew break it up. Drew keeps Henry occupied while Cody hits Cross Rhodes on Bourne for the win, so play Cody's music. [Wanker Observation wins again~!] Maybe 10 minutes all told, and half of that was the final segment. Kinda rushed and contrived, but not without some yuks, I guess. But man alive, they could have done a LOT more with this title if they'd only quarter-assed it. This was 1/15th-assed, all the way.
   
  
• There were preview/promo/video-packages throughout the night, but none worth talking about. But I'll mention the video package for the WWE Title 6-man. It's worth talking about because of how god-awful it was.. Just absolutely ludicrous Schiavone caliber hyperbole (but in a self-important fancified British Lady Voice); you would have to have the brain of a 9-year-old to be engrossed by this ham-fisted spectacle of desperation and alleged-but-unconvincing "importance" that actually REDUCES the value of your legitimate history by over-hyping your present in relation to your past.
   
  
• Randy Orton won the 6-man Match to become the new WWE Champion. It's elimination rules, but it's Tornado Style (all men in the ring at once), not gauntlet style. Should be a chance to cash in on the free-for-all feel we enjoyed during that crazy-ass over-booked main event back Monday on RAW. Let's see if they can pull it off.... ring entrances start at 10:09pm (eastern), and don't end until 10:18; of note, Chicago does NOT like John Cena tonight. Orton enters last to a pop that makes me die inside (seriously, America, don't you remember when you had STANDARDS? just because you easily amused diptards made Jersey Shore cocknozzles famous doesn't mean I will EVER agree with you; you like things that suck, and I hate you for it). At 10:18, special boxing style ring announcements start. Those end at 10:21, and just like that, this match went from having to fill 40 minutes of TV time, to being able to get away with 30. WWE: giving you less than you paid for since 2004.
   
  OK, enough rambling, the match is FINALLY gonna really start, now. And... Jericho is eliminated at 10:22. Not joking. Pier 6 brawl. Orton isolates on Jericho. RKO. Over. Slow walk to the back does NOT get the "Na na na na, hey he, he, goodbye" chant, but rather "Y2J, Y2J" chants. Huh. Maybe you do still have tastes and standards, America.
   
  Then a pause (in a match where you already paused for 12 minutes of intro nonsense?) and reset, where 5-man bralws keep boiling down to Cena vs. Orton, only to have the other 3 guys get inolved to interrupt and prevent the fans from truly getting to boo Cena. After 3-4 tries with that cocktease, another big brawl where 3 guys powder out, and Sheamus takes control of a 1-on-1 beatdown of Cena. When Cena starts a comeback, Edge finds it in him to quit napping, and joins the fight. Double Superplex by Edge/Sheamus, but only gets a 2 count. Barrett tried to rejoin the fight (Orton: still napping), but he gets beat down. Now Edge/Sheamus FORCE Orton to quit napping, and drag him back into the ring. Sheamus decimates Orton, while Edge saunters around ringside deliving superfluous bastardly blows to the other 3 guys (just to make sure that NOW you know those guys aren't napping, they are Grievously Wounded by Edge). But then: Edge gets greedy, and turns on Sheamus. This allows Cena/Orton to get better, and rejoin the fight... Edge tries for a Spear on Sheamus, Orton tries for an RKO on Edge, but then Cena hits an F-U on Edge. Now Edge is gone, too. And now both of my horses in this race are gone, too. Way to be WWE. I'm now officially reduced to cheering for SHEAMUS.
   
  Extended Cena/Barrett sequence, which Cena is about to win, when Sheamus gets back into the fight. Cena immediately dispatches Barrett to lock the SSTF on Sheamus. Sheamus just BARELY got to the ropes... at which point the Nexus runs out and surrounds the ring. Cena is distracted, and Barrett sneaks up from behind to hit his front-slam finisher. Then Nexus beats the hell out of Orton, and tosses him back in to their master, Barrett. Cena recovers and taqkes out 3 Nexus members with chairshots, and Orton fires up to take out the other 2 with RKOs... then when it's one-on-one against Barrett, Orton hits another RKO. Barrett is eliminated.
   
  It's down to just Orton and Sheamus at 10:40pm. Sheamus gets one near fall. Then Orton hits an RKO out of nowhere to win at 10:41. So much for 30 minutes and a satisfying pay-off. This one clocks in at 20 minutes and featured absolutely nothing of PPV-worthy entertainment value. The main event on last Monday's RAW was tons more fun than this. I mean, unless you're an Orton fan. Which I guess some of you are. But that's your problem, not mine.
   
  And so it is that -- with 15 minutes of time left over -- this PPV ends with Randy Orton celebrating after a wholly anticlimactic main event. For story/psychology, Kane/Taker wins the night's honors, while Miz/Bryan was the in-ring rasslin' workrate Match of the Night. And when the main event is only the 3rd best thing on a show that only really had 2 good things on it? You know how I feel about that, OO Nation: the last taste in the mouth is the most importance taste, and this tasted like white bread soaked in tap water... bland and kinda cheap, especially when you were expecting a meal worth $50.
  

That's my take on tonight's big show... but Did You Know? The next WWE PPV is only two (2) weeks away~! I didn't realize that till tonight... so we'll all get together and do this again real soon.
 
I wouldn't be The Me if I didn't pick this moment to remind you that I'm saving you hundreds of dollars per year (at great risk to my own sanity, and my TV's chances of not getting punched), so the least you can do is drop a few bucks in the Donation Basket to help keep OO's bills paid and ensure that I know the work I'm doing is worth all our whiles. PayPal is our processor, but all credit cards (and some bank accounts) are accepted. On a night like tonight, I'll gladly accept cash donations in lieu of having actually watched a Good Rasslin' Show.
 
See you again soon (probably sooner than 2 weeks, actually, as there are some newz-y type things we should get to about SD-to-SyFy and TNA Turmoil and WWE's long term plans through WrestleMania), and hope y'all are OK till then....