In "Rick Think," having Bryan come out as the final member of Cena's squad against Nexus seemed to make PERFECT sense, given his backstory, and only made EVEN MORE SENSE once you introduced the antics of Bryan's former NXT Mentor, the Miz. And yet, in "WWE Think," I wagered putting Bryan on Team WWE would be dissmissed out of hand.
 
Guess again, huh? Well played, WWE... now: follow-up on a good idea, for once. You planted a seed tonight, but your track record as farmers is pretty horrible. Here's an idea: instead of letting the Writer Monkeys churn out manure, why not pre-emptively cover them in it? Maybe that'll fertilize some basic sense and creativity into them...

Anyways, I digress. Here are the results from the just-completed SummerSlam 2010 pay-per-view:

• Dolph Ziggler and Kofi Kingston went to a No Contest (Ziggler retains IC Title). 'Twas a fickle crowd in Los Angeles, and if they were into things, you could hear it, and if they weren't, the silence was deafening; there was no real middle ground. For the opener, they were into it, as Kofi pretty much went straight into sympathetic babyface mode, and the fans got behind his every hope spot. About five minutes in, Kofi began to rally in earnest, and got about 90 seconds (and 2 or 3 near falls) into it when, all of a sudden, Nexus ran out and beat the crap out of Kofi. When Ziggler recovered enough to try to join in, Nexus promptly beat the crap out of him, too. Match was a basic 6-8 minute TV special that would have been fine Friday Night Fodder, but then complicated by the non-finish.
   
  After the match: Wade Barrett spoke. Generic heat-generating spiel about how this is just a taste of what's to come, because Nexus is the mightiest force in all the land and WWE is too self-centered and ass-hatted to even field a full team of 7. 
   
  
• Backstage: Miz is sitting, holding his MitB Briefcase, and looking all proud of himself... camera zooms out to reveal Jericho sitting next to him, slathering him in (pretty funny and patronizing) praise, in an attempt to get Miz to join Team WWE. Miz doesn't mind that the praise may not be entirely genuine, he just likes hearing good things about himself. So he looks over Jericho's shoulder and says "What about you?"... camera zooms out again to reveal Edge standing behind Jericho, absentmindedly snacking on a delicious and nutritious Slim Jim, before realizing he needs to join in. So he does a quick (and humorously unconvincing) "Oh, yeah, totally. What he just said," punctuated by a cheesy smile.... Miz laps it up, and thinks he's holding all the high cards as he tells the two future Hall of Famers he's "still thinking about it" with regards to joining their little team. Then he steals Edge's Slim Jim as he walks away, because Slim Jim paid for that product placement, and they want to make sure you noticed that it was a Slim Jim and that everybody loves Slim Jims, even to the point of stealing Slim Jims from your friends. Fun little segment, especially considering what was to come for Miz later in the night...
   
  
• Melina beat Alicia Fox to become the NEW RAW Diva Champion. Pretty much as clunky and awkward as the match they had on Monday, just with fewer spots where it looked like one or the other was going to be injured by the sloppiness. Remember that thing I said about the bipolar crowd? They were NOT into this one. Me neither, really. Three minutes of stuff happened, Melina rallies, Melina with the clean pinfall, and it's done just that fast.
   
  After the match: Michelle McCool and Layla (the co-women's champs on SD) interrupt Melina's celebration with their shallow bitch routine, which is so over-the-top awful that -- when combined with a DEAD SILENT crowd -- made this seem like the most train-wreck-iest of SNL skits. You know the kind: the kind that is not just unfunny, but which is trying to create a recurring character for one of the cast members, and the audience is all totally quiet and wondering "why, if this skit sucked the previous two times you were dumb enough to put it on TV, are you putting it on TV again?"... but whatever... LayCool want to be included in Melina's celebration, since they're so pretty and popular and will spruce up Melina's dumpy little solo party. Melina wants none of it, and a brawl ensues. The side with 2 people beat the side with 1 person. I dunno if this was a segment genuinely meant to make us ponder a possible "unification" of the two women's titles (lord knows the rosters are hella thin on both brands, so it'd make sense to combine the two), or if it was just a way for Mrs. Undertaker to get a PPV paycheck after her originally scheduled match was scrapped...
   
  
• Big Show beat the Straight Edge Society in a Handicap Match. CM Punk wore a custom "I Broke Big Show's Hand" t-shirt to the ring; Big Show removed the soft cast on his hand in a OMG SWERVE~! to render Punk's t-shirt a lie. Punk wanted no part of an uninjured Giant, so he forced Luke Gallows and Joseph Mercury -- two fittingly named Disciples -- to do his dirty work for him. They didn't really get anywhere, and Show just decimated them. Left to his own devices, Punk took the fight to the outside, where Show seemed to be in control, and asked for silence so he could deliver one of his "SHHHHHH!" chops... but in the time it took him to pander to the crowd, Punk came to his sense, and ducked the chop, causing Show's hand to meet the steel ringpost. If it wasn't broken before, maybe it is now? Match heads back into the ring for a very brief heel beatdown, mostly quarterbacked by Punk himself. But then, pretty much as soon as Show demonstrates signs of starting a comeback, Punk tags out. Sure enough, the Giant is able to rally against Luke and Joseph.
   
  Punk made one token effort to interfere, but was sent sprawling out over the top rope by Big Show... and that, Punk decided, was just about enough wrestling for tonight. He decided to allow himself to be ensconsed in Serena's warm and strumpetuous embrace, as he watched things get worse in the ring. Then he and Serena started walking away from the ring, clearly with more interesting things on their To-Do List, as Show KO punched Luke, and then chokeslammed Joseph onto Luke's carcass for the double pin. A little bit of a long-distance staring match indicates it's not over yet between Show and Punk... but this match is over, after all of about 5-6 minutes of pretty simple and straight forward action.
   
  
• Miz Announces That He Will Join Team WWE. Miz hits the ring, playing up his decision as being every bit as big as Lebron's flamboyantly ass-tastic announcement, which Miz is also able to turn into a rip on the LA fans who will never win an NBA championship again now that Miami is fielding an all-star team. Anyway, point is: Miz isn't declaring his intentions right off the bat, first he wants to milk it... so he tells the story of how all the members of Team WWE begged him to join. Starts off convincing enough, since we DID see the part where Jericho and Edge tried to recruit him... but then it veers off into increasinly ludicrous territory and it's obvious that Miz is making stuff up, because it's highly unlikely that Bret called Miz "the best there is, was, and ever will be" or that Morrison admitted to Miz that Johnny was "the Marty Jannetty of our tag team." Good schtick, and this was another segment that the audience was eating up (to the point of Miz actually telling them to shut up, because their booing didn't matter, what matters is that his fellow superstars have finally shown Miz the proper respect). After about 8 minutes of ranting and raving, Miz finally declares that yes, indeed, he will join Team WWE. And also: that he's awesome. BOO~!
   
  
• Randy Orton beat Sheamus via Disqualification; Sheamus retains the WWE/RAW Title. Sheamus did some pretty solid pre-match promo work, reminding us that St. Patrick isn't the patron saint of drinking green beer, but rather the man who drove a plague of snakes out of Ireland... and tonight, Sheamus will duplicate St. Patrick's feat by driving the plague that is The Viper straight out of the WWE Title picture. Props to whichever Writer Monkey came up with that; it's the sort of thing I almost wish *I* had thought of. Between this promo, calling Orton "the Turd Generation Superstar," and "fella," I'm thinking Sheamus may be RAW's best talker~! OK, maybe not, but you gotta admit, those are three pretty awesome things...
   
  Why am I raving about pre-match mic work? Because the match itself was a heaping pile of shit for a really long time. After about 30 seconds of full-speed brawling that even spilled out to ringside, they settled in for at least 10 minutes of Orton-speed nothingness. Maybe more like 12 minutes. It felt like an hour-and-a-half... just chinlocks, rest holds, Garvin Stomps, and all while the crowd set a new personal best for being absolutely silent. It was almost funny to hear 3 people try to start a "Randy, Randy" chant, before giving up after 7 seconds because it was clearly going nowhere. That happened a couple times, too. I loves me the schadenfreude!
   
  A real comeback by Orton finally begins, and the crowd wakes up a bit as we approach a respectable pace. It still wasn't much better than doing 45mph in a 65mph zone, but it beat the hell out of the opening 12 minutes. Orton busts out a superplex, Sheamus decides to show off "the Irish Hammer" (Ivan Putski's old Polish Hammer, and last seen on WWE TV when Chris F. Masters tried using it until he kept injuring people with his unfathomable sloppiness), crowd is eventually into it enough to do the "YAY!" vs. "BOO!" thing when they trade blows, and we approach End Game.
   
  The guys start going for their bigger moves (Brogue Kick and Celtic Cross for Sheamus, Hangman DDT and RKO for Orton), and each manages to counter/avoid an attempt or two before moves start landing and we get a handful of convincing near falls. Orton was never actually able to land an RKO, which was pointed out repeatedly by Striker (maybe, just like Kidman and powerbombs, YOU CANNOT RKO SHEAMUS?!?), but on the flip side, Orton kept kicking out of everything Sheamus threw at him... it got to the point where Sheamus was frustrated and unsure how to finish off Orton after Orton (feebly) kicked out of the 2nd or 3rd pump kick. So Sheamus decided to go grab a steel chair... and the ref tried to stop Sheamus from bringing it into a ring. In trying to rip the chair back out of the ref's hands, Sheamus actually sent the ref flying out of the ring. The ref decides that's grounds for disqualfication here in today's G-rated WWE. Either that, or he's doing his homage to 1995 Bill Alfonso (except minus the irony and entertainment value). Ring the bell, this match is over~! About 16-18 minutes, 12 of which were among the most aggressively boring WWE Title Mathc Minutes in recent memory, and about 5 of which were actually pretty entertaining.
   
  Well, between this and the recent Kofi match where he got DQ'd for PUNCHING HIS OPPONENT, I think we can safely say this new trend is here to stay. At least: until Linda McMahon gets thrashed in the elections in November, and we can get back to WWE not having to pretend like there is a morally-acceptable and family-friendly way to package a product that is based entirely on grown men settling their differences in anti-social ways. Jesus H. Lapdancing Christ, November can't get here fast enough.
   
  After the match: Sheamus momentarily looked annoyed at getting DQ'd, but then realized what happened (he retained the title!) and broke out into a big smile. Then Orton came back to his senses and beat the crap out of Sheamus, like the petulant little whiny bitch that he is. If you want to take your frustrations out on somebody, Randall, you'd have done better to target the pussbag ref. Sheamus didn't actually do anything wrong; the ref stopped him from doing it, but then decided to call for the DQ anyway. So let's recap: Sheamus does not cheat, loses the match, and is the heel, while Orton attacks a guy after the bell, won the match, and is the babyface. What a role model for today's G-Rated, family-friendly product! And oh, by the way: in this fracas, it turns out you CAN RKO Sheamus...
   
  
• Kane beat Rey Mysterio to retain the World/SD Title. Out of the gate, Kane just wanted to go all slobberknocker, but Rey knew he'd lose that fight and stayed speedy and elusive. If Gorilla Monsoon were still with us, he'd have assured us we were LITERALLY witnessing a cat and mouse game. After a few pesky bits of trickery by the mouse, the cat finally won out, and Kane took control of the match. Crowd was back out of it again; I don't think they were exactly "spent" by the previous match (which only required 5 minutes of paying attention before it thudded to a non-finish), I think they just knew that there was a Big Surprise coming at the end of THIS match, and they sorta wished they could fast forward to it... 
   
  Instead, Kane antagonized us all by applying various "strength sapping" restholds targeting Rey's ribs/abdomen, including the dreaded bearhug. Nobody was buying any of it, but they still did it, I think because they were producing this match more for the TV audience than for the live audience... Kane would apply a visually boring and unconvincing move and the TV audience would hear him imploring Rey to just give up and "admit it" (that is to say: admit that Rey vegetated the Undertaker). That didn't fly with the live crowd, and frankly, it was just cheesy and silly as shit for those of us watching on TV, but whatever; this whole storyline was cheesy and silly as shit from the get-go, so why deviate now?
   
  About 8 minutes in, Rey started a rally when Kane struck out attempting a top rope move. At this point, things amped up a bit, and they started using the casket (Kane brought it with him, and had claimed he'd seal Rey in it before the night was up) as a prop. Not only did this mean more dynamic action, it meant the crowd -- who are, perhaps, not as dumb as WWE gives them credit for -- perked up because they knew there was only one reason for the casket to be there. So they'd keep doing teases with the casket, and every time it'd open up, there'd be an audible gasp, but each time, the casket was empty, and we'd just do another spot teasing one of Kane or Rey would be falling into the casket, and it got to be a bit of fun. 
   
  Final spot was Kane trying to chokeslam Rey into the open casket, but Rey wormed out, and set up for a (619), which Kane blocked, and turned it into a mid-ring chokeslam attempt, which Rey once again countered, but when Rey charged at Kane to try a tilt-a-whirl-y move, Kane just booted him in the head. At this moment, Kane glanced to the side, and realized he'd better go shut the casket. Ahem. [Seriously, you can't have somebody whisper to the ref to go do that? You have to make Kane stop in mid-flow to go shut the casket?] With the casket now closed, and the anvil dangling over Kane's very head, he went back to Rey and hit a chokeslam for the win. Right around 12 minutes, and just like the previous title match, the ratio was about 2/3rds lame and 1/3rd entertaining.
   
  After the match: Kane decided to make good on his promise to seal Rey in the casket as revenge for what Rey did to the Undertaker. And surprise surprise: when Kane goes to open the casket... THERE IS THE UNDERTAKER~!
   
  A weak and flaccid Zombie Sit-Up pops the crowd and sends Kane into shock... Taker -- obviously still struggling with being partially vegetated -- struggles out of the casket and up into the ring, but is shooting Death Stares at BOTH Kane and Rey (who is beaten, battered, and slumped in the ropes, equally as awed as Kane). Kane begins to smile as Taker decides to grab Rey by the throat and ask him "Why'd you do it?"... Rey insists upon his innocence... and after a moment, Taker says "I believe you"... Taker then gets back up to his feet, looking less and less like a vegetable with each passing second, and suddenly whips his head around to Death Stare at Kane. Kane stops smiling.
   
  Taker gives Kane the throat-slit gesture (the international sign for "I am going to decapitate you," which is obviously perfectly find for a G-rated show), but Kane decides not to wait for the punishment, he just pre-emptively charges at Taker (and in so doing, we are told Kane admitted his own guilt). Taker's been in a coma for 3 months, so he ends up losing the brawl. Kane actually Tombstones the Undertaker to provide the final exclamation point. Play Kane's music and shoot off Kane's pyro, because he's STILL the World Champ, and he just re-vegetated his brother~!
   
  
• Team WWE beat Team Nexus when John Cena is the Sole Survivor. Nexus entered first as a cohesive unit. Team WWE entered individually, starting with Cena (who is more concerned with making the kiddies buy a new t-shirt/wardrobe once per year, and is thus debuting a new look/color scheme which is also conveniently enough the same as the LA Lakers' purple-and-yellow look; what a shameless panderer). Edge, Jericho, Truth, Morrison, and Bret follow... and then, the final member: Miz. Except, Miz only gets 5 feet onto the stage before Cena grabs a mic and cuts the music. You see, Team WWE couldn't afford to wait until hours before the match to solidify their team; Miz had his chance on Monday, and he punted it, so Cena and his squad huddled and came up with a guy they could depend on to show up tonight, ready to take it to Nexus. Miz, you can kindly head to the locker-room, because Jericho and Edge were just toying with you earlier you putz, we don't need you, your replacement is here, and he is...
   
  Daniel Bryan.
   
  Nice. The history with Bryan and Nexus (for TV storyline purposes, he was kicked out for questioning the move to viciously take over WWE), the history with Bryan and Miz (where Miz though Bryan was the worst student ever on NXT), it all fits together great. Nice little exchanging of glances by Miz and Bryan before he hits the ring to join his team and get this party started.
   
  Danielson actually starts for his team, and makes Darren Young tap out in under one minute (to a modified Crossface). On commentary, Cole is acting like Bryan is the worst choice ever, on the grounds that Cole's gimmick is that he's Miz's personal ball cupper; Striker is countering by saying that Team WWE is up 7-6, and it's all because of Bryan, so suck on that, Cole. Bryan continues to control the match for another minute or so, softening up Michael Tarver; a tag to Morrison, Starship Pain, and Tarver's eliminated at the 3 minute mark. WWE 7, Nexus 5.
   
  Barrett calls for a huddle, and sends Skip Sheffield in to get the team back on track. Easy enough: after about 2 minutes, Skip pins Morrison after a lariat. Truth tries to come in and tries to pick up the pieces left by his buddy, and instead, he almost IMMEDIATELY eats another lariat and gets pinned. Yup yup yup, he pins jobbers~! At the 6 minute mark, it's 5-5.
   
  Jericho comes in and stops the bleeding, regaining the advantage briefly. Nope nope nope, he can't beat main eventers~! Skip tags out, though, and Jericho is faced with his NXT protege Wade Barrett. Student out-duels master, and Jericho gets caught in the Nexus corner, the victim of well-oiled teamwork and frequent tags. Classic cutting-the-ring-in-half routine, with Jericho desperately needing a tag, and his partners all reaching out wanting to be tagged in... crowd has a notion, and begins chanting "We Want Bret"... Jericho milks it for a few moments longer, and then with one final lunge away from Heath Slater, he makes the tag, and the fans get Bret.
   
  And I gotta say this, Bret did OK for himself. I don't even remember what the Originator Of The Five Moves Of Doom used as his 5 moves (I only remember HBK's revision to them), but we did get a scoop slam, an excellently executed elbow drop, and an inverted atomic, all done pretty crisply to poor Slater. Barrett slides a chair into the ring, and Slater reaches for it, but Bret puts his foot down, and picks up the chair himself. Then, he uses it on Slater. Whoopsie, that'll be a DQ. Nexus up 5-4 at the 15 minute mark.
   
  Then it's back to 4-4 at about the 16 minute mark, as Sheffield falls prey to a codebreaker/spear combo by Jericho/Edge. Now it's Edge's turn for an extended sequence, and he quickly turns into our second Ricky Morton of the match, mostly at the hands of Barrett and Otunga (the smaller Gabriel and Slater just getting random minor shots in, and letting the big bruisers do the heavy lifting). Finally, a rally by Edge and a hot tag to Jericho sets off a flurry at the 23 minute mark...
   
  Jericho came in and was a house o' fire, taking whatever was thrown at him, and then isolating on legal man David Otunga... a lionsault and a Walls of Jericho later, and Otunga tapped out... but before anyone can celebrate, Slater is back in the ring, and there's some miscommunication that causes Jericho to crash into Cena (on the ring apron)... Jericho's confused and is all "WTF?", allowing Slater to sneak up from behind and roll Jericho up for the cheap pinfall... Edge hops into the ring to take over, but is still jawing with Cena over what Cena did (even if accidentally), and Slater's able to get yet another cheap pinfall on the distracted Edge. Jericho/Edge keep jawing with Cena as they leave together, and in the meantime, it's a 3-2 advantage for Nexus at the 25 minute mark.
   
  Narrative Reset: left for Team WWE are John Cena and Dan Bryan, left for Nexus are Wade Barrett, Justin Gabriel, and Heath Slater.
   
  Cena now begins our third (and lengthiest) babyface in peril sequence, although the crowd is split on whether or not he's a real babyface... every Cena Hope Spot is met with "Let's Go Cena" chants starting up, only to be countered by the now-standard "Cena Sucks" counter-chant. Nexus keeps rotating in and out of the ring, and Cena can't really sustain any offense or even make it to his corner... until, that is, a double clothesline spot where both Cena and Slater were down, and the ref started applying a 10-count... Cena to his feet first, and in one of the most surreal moments I've ever had as a wrestling fan, the WWE Golden Boy Marketing Sensation that is Superman Cena lunges to make the hot tag to the Pasty Undersized Wanker Sensation that is Dan Bryan, and the crowd goes nuts.
   
  Danielson is en feugo as he gets into the ring, and goes to town on Slater, eventually making him tap out (again to the modified Crossface). About 35 minutes in, and it's tied 2-2.
   
  And 36 minutes in, it's back to 2-1, because as the ref is distracted by getting Slater to leave the ring, Miz runs out with the MitB briefcase and plasters Bryan with it. Cena chases Miz off, but the damage is done. The ref turns around to see Barrett hoisting the mysteriously unconscious Bryan up for his front slam finisher, and can do nothing but count to three. Bryan is gone, but he's got an instant US Title feud with Miz to look forward to starting tomorrow on RAW.
   
  Cena is now alone against two Nexus members, and from here on out, you can pretty much figure it out for yourself. Nexus in command, Cena trying to fight the good fight, and it all ends when Gabriel decides to get showy by going for the 450 Splash. Cena gets out of the way, Gabriel whiffs, Cena hits the F-U, Gabriel is gone, Barrett tries to catch Cena off guard by immediately charging him from behind, but Cena sense it coming and just turns it into the SSTF, and Barrett tapped out. Both members of Nexus eliminated within 30 seconds, and Superman Cena does it again.
   
  Match was 40 minutes, and concluded at 10:58pm (so unlike other recent shows that came in light, WWE was almost out of satellite time tonight)... outstanding way to end the night. It may have been a one-match show, but it's a match well worth seeking out, if you ask me. I trust you all know how to work the youtubes, right?
  

Can't really get to dickish about the complete lack of anything worthwhile on the undercard (save, maybe, for the "moment" of Taker returning), since I'm of the long-standing opinion that the last taste left in your mouth is the most important one. The 7-on-7 main event delivered, not just as a self-contained 40 minute spectacle, but also in terms of making me interested in what is to come (Bryan/Miz, Bret looking unembarassing for once, and Edge/Jericho being re-heeled and hopefully interested in taking a shot at the tag titles).
 
That's good stuff.
 
Talk to again soon, kids... and remember, you can encourage me to make it even sooner by donating to OO~!