If this were an isolated incident, I could let it pass, but it's pretty much a weekly tradition of either cable or internet being DOA for hours at a time, and with nothing resembling Customer Service to explain why... just minimum wage sad sacks forced to read off a prepared script of useless fluff ("we are aware of service problems in your area, and technicians are working to fix it" is all they are authorized to say, it seems, no matter how many *I* ask, point blanks "SPECIFICALLY WHAT PROBLEMS?" or "WHY DO THESE PROBLEMS RECUR ALL THE TIME?" or "HOW SOON BEFORE THEY ARE FIXED?"; I'm pretty sure this is all designed to make sure Cutomers decide to never bother seeking out Service from TWC).
 
Anyway, Time Warner, feel free to contact me with offers of 3 free months of service or upgrades to my current package or other perks, and I'll gladly tell thousands of my readers GOOD things about you and how one gets service commensurate with what one pays at Time Warner. Instead of telling them the -- you know? -- truth. Same offer to any other cable/internet provider who wants to "bribe" me with service that is actually a fair deal for the price; I'll switch and pimp YOU out to OO Nation.
 
Better yet: hey AT&T, why don't you quit lollygagging and get U-Verse out to my house, already? I hear good things, and you even advertise on OO, but it does me no good if I put in my ZIP Code and get a year's worth of "Not Available In Your Area" messages.
 
End Rant. Venting makes me feel slightly better. And it also means that YOU now know what delayed this update. I suppose now -- when I'm 12 hours behind schedule -- is a bad time to remind you that OO is funded in part by Your Donations (PayPal is our processor, but all credit cards accepted)? It is? Oh well, I had to try...
 
Here are your quick-and-dirty results from the just-completed Money in the Bank 2010 pay-per-view:

• Intro/Pyro/Etc., and we're live in Kansas City, MO. Our announcers are the now standard PPV Trio of Cole (PBP/straight man), Lawler (RAW color), and Striker (SD color). And in keeping with the MitB theme, the stage area has two armored trucks parked on either side of the entrance, which immediately got my mind racing to potential cool spots... sadly, I can ruin the suspense for you right now: the trucks never once got used for anything, despite the presence of plenty of ladders and other props that SHOULD have made it a no-brainer.
   
  
• Kane won the SD Money in the Bank Ladder Match. Also participating were Big Show, Kofi Kingston, Drew McIntyre, Christian, Matt Hardy, Cody Rhodes, and Dolph Ziggler. Per my usual, there is no point in me trying to play-by-play a pure, action-packed spotfest. Words don't do it justice. So I'll just try to stick to the main story/psychological points, and leave it to you to find a copy of this match on the youtubes or whatever... it's worth it.
   
  Start was Show and Kane cleaning house, and doing some Big Man Slobberknockering. Show (also called "The Giant" effective this past week) got the better of it, but by then the other 6 guys recovered and gang tackled Show. With the two big guys out of it, the rest of the crew did about 3-5 minutes of ladder teases, finally culminating in Ladder Vets Christian and MHardy on top of the ladder reaching for the briefcase. This is when Kane put his 2 cents worth back in and double chokeslammed to two off the ladder to kickstart the sick bumps.
   
  Big Show was about to re-enter the fray, but Christian took him out with a plancha that did as much damage to Christian as it did to Show. Both powedered out. The other guys teamed up to get Kane back out of commission, and then Kofi hit the Spot Of The Night: he took one of the extra big ladders and hit the Boom Drop from the top, putting Drew McIntyre through the announce table. Wild. Ziggler/Rhodes/Christian/Hardy did some stuff to let Kofi's move sink in, and then it was time for Big Show to begin stirring again.
   
  The Giant cleaned house, and decided to try climbing the ladder. No dice, it crumpled under his weight. So he went out and got his Super-Reinforced Mega-Ladder, and dragged it into the ring. Everybody except Kane/McIntyre took turns breaking up Show's efforts to climb the ladder... then Kane finally got back into it, and was man enough to tip the ladder over with Show on it (Show billed at 500 lbs, and the ladder was billed at 350 lbs), sending show tumbling out of the ring. with a thud. Then all 6 guys piled on with more ladders, burying Show under another couple hundred pounds of steel.
   
  Now it was End Game, with Kane seemingly the favorite... but the other guys all managed to team up and do big spots off the Mega-Ladder (it was bigger and sturdier than the regular ladders, so more guys were able to do more crazy things using it, including Kofi doing a Shelton-esque Spiderman move), to keep Kane from winning and to keep the teases coming. The finish had MHardy and Christian battling up top, only to toss each other off the ladder simultaneously... McIntyre seemed poised to steal the match at this point, but Kane rose at the last second to stop him... Drew was sent tumbling, and Kane secured the briefcase after 25-30 minutes of outstanding, well-constructed opening-match action. Like I said: worth the youtube search if you like things that are fun.
   
  
• Alicia Fox beat Eve to retain the RAW Diva Title. Nothing to see here. Just 5 minutes of not-very-good-ness that ended with a clean pinfall win for Alicia, which the announcers sold as "proof" that Alicia is a deserving champ, and no fluke. Uh huh. Just get to the part where Melina comes back, already...
   
  
• The Hart Dynasty beat the Uso Clan to retain the Unified Tag Titles. Ended up short, and it stuck to the very basic tag formula, but tell you what: there's a reason why some things are formula, and that's because THEY WORK. And thus, what started as a dead crowd was sort of into it by the end because these 4 (nay, these SIX) did a really nice job with the slot they were given. Basic fast start with Baby Bulldog DH Smith in charge early, then simple face-in-peril middle portion with Tyson Kidd taking a beating from the very capable Jimmy and Jay. [I'm proud of myself, *I* can tell them apart! Lawler can't! Here's a hint: Jay has the shorter name and wears the SHORT trunks, Jimmy has the longer name and wears LONG tights. EASY AS PIE~!] Very nice flurry/hope spot by Kidd that was snuffed out by a dastardly blind tag, but Kidd made the hot tag to Smith shortly after. House o' fire routine, which Tamina tries to interrupt by getting on the apron, but Nattie is having one of that happy crappy, and the women brawl at ringside, while Kidd takes out Jay with a plancha, and Baby Bulldog locks in the Sharpshooter for the submission win after 6-8 minutes.
   
  
• Rey Mysterio beat Jack Swagger to retain the World Heavyweight Title. Simple story: Rey's faster than Swagger, but he's also got a bum ankle because of Swagger, so it's only a matter of time before Swagger snares Rey and finishes the job with an anklelock. So Swagger begins going for said move early and often, and Rey is able to escape and play a little cat and mouse until Swagger finally decides to settle in with an extended beatdown to soften Rey up before the anklelock. Lots of throws/suplexes and power-based offense during the middle portion of the match, sprinkled in with Rey's high flying hope spots. It should be noted that even as WWE tries to target the 10-year-old G-rated audience, the fans who are paying money to attend events are audibly booing Beloved Underdog Rey Mysterio and chanting "Let's go, Swagger." Whoopsie.
   
  Big rally for Rey at the 8 minute mark, with a bunch of convincing near falls, but Swagger put an end to that by flooring Rey and then hitting a pair of running Vader Bombs. Then, sensing victory, he just stomped away on Rey's ankle even through Rey was in the ropes. As the ref finally pulled Swagger away to admonish him, Rey took a moment to unlace his left boot ("to alleviate pressure and swelling" theorizes Cole)... Swagger comes back and grabs Rey towards the middle of the ring, where he applies the anklelock... and where Rey's boot came off, allowing Rey to escape... a dumbfounded Swagger stood there with a boot in his hands as Rey positioned himself for the schoolboy roll-up. 1, 2, and 3. Just about exactly 10 minutes, and pretty good for being based on such a simple premise.
   
  After the match, Angry Jack Swagger decided to take out his frustrations on Rey, but was quickly interrupted by Kane, who ignored Rey and just brawled all the way to the back with Swagger, like the noble White Knight that he is. Or is he: the fact that Mysterio was seen putting his boot back on at this point kinda telegraphed that something else was coming...
   
  
• Kane beat Rey Mysterio to win the World Title. Sure enough, just when you think Kane has made the noble save and left for good, here's the hellfire and brimstone once again, and here's Kane with both a briefcase AND a ref. He's cashing in MitB... and in 60 seconds flat, he dominates Rey and wins the title. Huh. Can't say as that Kane-as-champ glazes my donut, but hell: the guy has been one hell of a soldier the past decade-plus, and this is a fitting reward... one last title reign, and best of all, he's doing it in True Kane Fashion: as part of a really idiotic storyline. Whee? [Oh, and for the record, the live crowd cheered pretty loudly for Kane's win; not sure if that was more anti-Rey sentiment, or just a pop of surprise at getting the unexpected twist.]
   
  
• Layla beat Kelly Kelly to retain the SD Women's Title. Once again, really short and nothing to see here. Michelle was at ringside with Layla (so Lay-Cool was in full force), and Tiffany seconded Kelly (so The Vortex Of Cute was in effect, too). Both got involved, with the Tiffany/Michelle brawl creating enough of a distraction that Layla was able to get a cheap pinfall over Kelly. I wish I could make the same "Just get to the part where Beth Phoenix returns, already" joke, here, except Beth is still 3 months away from being healthy...
   
  
• Miz won the RAW MitB Ladder Match. Also participating were Edge, Chris Jericho, Randall Orton, John Morrison, Evan Bourne, Ted DiBiase, and Mark Henry. And just like the SD version of this match, pure PBP is pointless, since it doesn't adquately describe the creativity and excitement of some of the high spots. And if anything, this match had more of those (and less sustained psychological elements) than the SD match, so again, I say use my descriptions as an outline of what happened, but if you're REALLY interested, just go out and find it for download...
   
  Nice showcase for Bourne early, both in terms of him hitting cool spots and in terms of him taking cool ass-kickings. Everything he did offensively just looks so sharp and effortless (and safe), which is what you love to see in these spotfests where less-smooth performers threaten to turn every spot into a trainwreck. And after he was done spicing up his own moves with the ladder(s), he turned around and powdered out after TAKING a cool move: Orton nailed him with the hangman DDT, but using the ladder, instead of the middle rope.
   
  From here the other guys (minus Henry, who apparently powdered out earlier, and was not missed) did about 3-5 minutes of shifting alliances and ladder teases until Henry DID re-assert himself and cleaned house... but then Bourne came back to his senses and leveled Henry with a top rope dropkick that left him KO'd, too. All 8 men down, so Maryse decides to hop in the ring and climb the ladder (ostensibly on behalf of her Sugar Daddy DiBiase)... Morrison's the one who breaks that up, and tries to do so as gentlemanly as possible: no groping or slapping, just helping her off the ladder and telling her to get lost, toots. This, of course, is when DiBiase strikes, and everybody else starts stirring, too, to set up another round of action.
   
  Morrison gets his extended run of near-wins here, but is finally short-circuited by an Edge/Miz alliance, which itself is short-circuited when Edge lures Miz into helping him with a double-team move only to blast Miz in the face with a ladder. HA~! DiBiase then sneak attacks Edge and starts moving furniture around, including setting up an upside-down ladder next to the middle-of-the-ring ladder (which DID come into play later) and then a third ladder on an angle next to the upside-down ladder (which did NOT come into play, which strikes me as even a worse tease than the armored trucks). While all this is going on, it's Mark Henry's turn to again try to get involved in the match, but we really don't need him, so after his one token shot at climbing up, he ends up outside the ring where he eats a WICKED Codebreaker-into-a-Spear combo, and is powdered out again.
   
  Everybody but Henry is alive and kicking, though, and with the odd ladder structure in place, everybody starts to climb, taking different angles to get within arm's reach of the briefcase. DiBiase even sets up a FOURTH ladder to the structure (a ramp reaching from one rope to themiddle ladder) to allow 6 guys to all be up there jockeying for position. It's the 7th guy (Orton) who finally starts yanking guys off the ladder (because Orton is no fun, and doesn't like the fans being entertained). As Orton thins the herd, we get the PPV's #2 Spot Of The Night: Orton RKO's the bejeezus out of Edge and EXACTLY when Orton lands in the prone position, Bourne comes flying off the top rope with a Shooting Star Press. I mean EXACTLY. Perfectly timed. If you thought that Bourne RKO'ing himself on RAW was a neat spot, check this one out: it's way better, and about a billion times more convincing/realistic than a move where Bourne just aimed his chin at Orton's shoulder and hoped for the best. Here, the guy who "hit" the offensive move actually did the work, instead of vice versa. And it just flat-out looked sweet with the timing that tight.
   
  Bourne got his ladder teases at this point, but was stopped by Jericho. Those two did some spots on top of the ladder, with Bourne nearly winning until Jericho smashed him in the head with the swinging briefcase. After Bourne tumbled, Edge was up next to stop Jericho. Edge was able to battle Jericho down a rung or two, where Jericho was within reach of a resurgent Orton, who RKO'd Jericho off the ladder, and then climbed the ladder to stop Edge. The two slugged it out, until Orton got the better of it and tossed Edge off the top and INTO THE UPSIDE DOWN LADDER. Ouch. Crowd pops for that, and assumes Orton is now just inches away from winning...
   
  But NOT SO FAST... somebody forgot about Miz, who suddenly springs to life from outside the ring, sprints up the ladder, and catches Orton unawares. A few punches, and Orton goes tumbling, and Miz unhooks the briefcase to win the match after 20-25 minutes of solid action. It's honestly a coin flip as to which of the two MitB matches was better, and it might depend on your tastes. The opener had a lesser roster, but the benefit of the opening slot (when fans are more receptive; I've been to many a show where somebody like D'Lo Brown or Rhyno got huge reactions just by being the first recognizable stars to appear) to keep the crowd enticed. The RAW match had the star-studded roster and associated gravitas that allowd them to "re-win" the crowd. The SD match had a lot of story and psychology; the RAW match was more spotty. Take your pick. Or pick both. Seriously, both are VERY worth your while.
   
  After the Match: Miz took a moment to cut a very serious, non-goofy promo about how this is it, this is his proof that he's made it, and now, we're all just cynics who've been proven wrong, and we can suck on it, because he's the Miz, and you know the punchline. No problems at all with this choice... SD decided to go with the instant credibility of Kane, RAW goes with the "project" guy who will need 3-4 months before he can really stand on a main event stage (and given the way the match ended, a feud with Orton to establish himself would make sense, since Miz need not "win" the feud as no matter what he'll still have his briefcase; he just needs to score a few notches over Orton and convince fans he belongs at that level).
   
  
• Sheamus beat John Cena via Cage Escape to retain the WWE Title. What a let-down this was... Sheamus and Cena, on their own, don't really have the sizzle to carry a PPV main event, so a lot of the build-up and fan interest here was predicated on what the Nexus would do to spice things up. As it turned out: they didn't really do much of anything.
   
  Old school, feeling-out start to the match (lock-ups, tests of strengths, dueling shoulderblocks, etc.), which allowed the audience to fall into place with their Mixed Reactions: high pitched Cena cheers, low pitched Cena boos. But there was no real emotion behind it (like there has been in the past when the fans really MEANT IT)... this was just middle school girls being dumb middle school girls, and wrestling wankers being dumb wrestling wankers, all for the sake of behaving as expected.
   
  Feeling out felt like it lasted 45 minutes (probably only 5, in reality), then we settled in for Sheamus-in-control. Seemed to be a focus on Cena's hand(s), with the idea being that would hinder Cena's cage-climbing ability (Cole said it would also prevent him from hitting the F-U, which it wouldn't, not even a little bit). Over the next 10 minutes, in lieu of building Actual Drama/Interest, they had to fabricate it in the form of lots of slow-motion cage climbs... got kind of annoying, but you understood why it was happening: Cena/Sheamus on their own are short on juice, fans are just waiting for the NXT shoe to drop, and so they resort to whatever bag o' tricks they can to lure fans into caring.
   
  They finally kicked it into a respectable gear at about the 15 minute mark. Oddly, they did it by getting away from the escape crap and just remembering that pinfalls and submissions were still legal. Sheamus got a few good ones, and even tried a sleeper (which made sense, since he'd either get the "hand falls three times" submission, or he'd at least incapacitate Cena enough to walk out the cage door). And Cena hit a few big moves, but Sheamus was always able to counter/escape/kick-out at the very last second, giving the announcers a chance to harp on Sheamus just being VERY prepared for Cena and perhaps being his one unbeatable archnemesis.
   
  Cena was in the middle of a huge rally, and just nailed the F-U when Nexus decided to show up. Cena was distracted, but quickly tried to make the cover; Sheamus had the extra moment to recover and kicked out at 2.999. Nexus has bolt cutters, but have those stolen away by a ref; Nexus tries to intimidate another ref into giving them the key, but that ref throws the key into the crowd (oh, what I would have done if the camera cut to Dan Bryan, hanging out in the audience, choking the bejeezus out of a fan until he gave up the key, and then returning it to Wade Barrett!)... so Nexus goes to Plan B: sending guys into the ring, Dumb Ninja Style (one at a time)... Dustin Gabriel heads up first, and Cena (being in better shape than Sheamus) goes up to cut him off, and sort of half-hip-tosses Gabriel off the top of the cage. Ouch. Heath Slater goes up the opposite side, so Sheamus goes up to deal with him. Barrett sends a couple more guys up to deal with Cena, who then starts climbing DOWN the outside of the cage in an attempt to win. Suddenly, 6 guys are all up on the cage preventing Cena from moving, all while Sheamus is dealing with only Slater.
   
  Sheamus gets the better of that, and his feet hit the floor a few seconds before Cena can complete his climb down. Sheamus just grabs his belt and sprints out through the crowd as Barrett and 2 others chase after him. Meantime, Cena is ANGRY and sporting his MAD FACE, and takes out all remaining members of NXT in 30 seconds flat after being UNable to take out a single Sheamus in the preceeding 20 minutes. We fade to black on Cena over-acting quickly badly, as he seethes over the fallen bodies of 4-5 Nexus guys and is still NOT the champ (and probably won't be any time soon, seeing as how he just failed to win in his one contractually obligated rematch against Sheamus).
    

Two really good matches that I'd suggest checking out, and then a whole lot of nothing else (unless you want to enjoy the free-TV-caliber tag title match). Now that you know about the Kane swerve, there is absolutely nothing to be gained by actually watching it; and just take my word for it that the cage match main event was just an underwhelming, ill-conceived letdown of a match.
 
That's my story, and I'm sticking to it. See you later, kids...