Christ. I bow to WWE's ability to make a pretty simple job seem complex and un-do-able. Seriously. There are 1000 people reading this right now who could have cobbled together something more satisfying that what WWE just served up, and could have done it with less than 12 hours of lead time. I am one of those people. Then again: I'm ALWAYS one of those people. It's kind of my thing. And yet, the folks who are getting paid to come up with 3 hours of PAY-per-view-worthy material decided to punt it and just served up 2-and-a-half hours of dreck that wouldn't even have been all that notable if they'd given it away for free.
 
Mind blowing.
 
Anyway: I'm here to tell you about it, since science shows you probably didn't bother to shell out $50 of your own money to watch. Just remember: I'm saving you $50 a month, so really, am I asking too much if I remind you that there are these DONATE buttons all over the place on OO, and that simple manners dictates you should probably drop a few bucks per year on keeping the site going? No, I'm not asking too much: so DONATE already (PayPal is our processer, but all credit cards and some bank accounts are accepted~! Give early and often, if you're not a stinking parasite~!).
 
As your reward to giving, here are your quick-and-dirty results from the just-completed Fatal Fourway 2010 pay-per-view:

• Vince McMahon is Back. To open the show, Vince hits the ring with a mic, and reviews what happened to Bret Hart last week on RAW (Bret was attacked by NXT, because kidnapping, grand theft auto, and vehicular assault are ALL PERFECTLY LEGAL in the WWE Universe, but doing a realistic move in the middle of the fight GETS YOU FIRED FOR BEING TOO VIOLENT; welcome to the world of quadruple secret reverse psychology standards!). Vince announces the future of RAW is up in the air, but he's going to meet with Bret's advisors later tonight to sort things out. Then he leaves the ring (and is later seen getting in a limo to go meet Bret's People). If you think this is leading to some sort of interesting/surprising development later tonight, think again.
   
  
• Kofi Kingston beat Drew McIntyre to retain the IC Title. As Vince left, Drew entered, and the two shared a momentary Whisper. Drew reveals that Vince gave Drew permission to demand that Teddy Long come out to ringside to watch this match in person and then personally award Drew the IC Title when it's over. So out comes Teddy, who grabs a seat next to the time keeper. Match is standard fare, with a hot start for Kofi, then a heel beatdown where Drew focuses on the shoulder for a bit. Total free-TV material here, until the 10 minute mark where it perks up a bit following a ref bump. Li'l Naitch Charles Robinson gets accidentally KO'd by Kofi, who tends to him, but Drew uses the distraction to his the Slide Sling Pedigree (FutureShock) on Kofi. But there's no ref. So Drew goes outside, and roughs up Teddy Long, and tells him to do his OLD job; Drew takes Robinson's shirt off and gives it to Teddy, and Teddy puts it one. Drew covers Kofi. Teddy starts counting. Slowly. But Kofi kicks out due to the delay. Drew goes apeshit and starts threatening Teddy when Matt Hardy ran in from out of the crowd and wailed on Drew, leading up to a Twist of Fate. Teddy just stood there and smiled. Kofi got to his feet, hit a Trouble in Paradise, and Teddy counted that one at normal speed for the three count. About 12 minutes, and a decent enough opener due to the strong/eventful finish.
   
  
• Backstage: the Hart Dynasty are being interviewed about a new, unannounced match that's just been added to the PPV. It'll be the Harts vs. the Usos in a 6-person Intergender Match. The Harts say "bring it on" and welcome the challenge, since they're up for anything and want to EARN their spot, which is exactly why their uncle Bret signed the Usos. To give the Harts somebody tought to face. No pushovers.
   
  
• Alicia Fox won a 4-way Match to win the Diva Title. This was actually pretty decent; better than the live crowd gave it credit for, anyway... but still, the way WWE has treated the women's division(s), it's no wonder this played to dead silence. Gail Kim looked especially strong early, but it did (as I predicted) eventually boil down to champ Eve vs. Maryse. Eve actually got the better of it and landed a nice moonsault, but that's when Alicia struck and tossed Eve out of the ring to pin her "friend" Maryse and steal the win (and the title). Huh. A 5 minute Monday Night Special, at best. Well: at least the title is now on a heel, and a disposable one at that, as Melina is poised to return to TV... now, she can beat Alicia, and save the more meaningful feud with Maryse for later, which is as decent a gameplan as any, I guess.
   
  
• Evan Bourne beat Chris Jericho. With no pre-announcement, Jericho just hit the ring in his rasslin' gear and started cutting a killer promo. He talked about how he's the reason why kids today watch WWE and the reason why us grown ups KEEP watching WWE: because we recognize that Jericho is the best in the world at what he does, and has been ever since he led WCW to beat WWE in the Monday Night Wars, debuted on RAW by punking out the Rock, beat the Rock and Steve Austin in the same night, gave Shawn Michaels the best feud of his entire career, and so on and so forth. That Jericho: always having a high opinionof himself. And rightfully so. But something's been off lately, and he's realized what it is: when he was doing all that awesome stuff, he was motivated by being the underdog and proving people wrong. Now he (Jericho) is the MVP of any show he's on, and has lost his spark. Even Jericho's NXT Rookie is on a hotter streak than Jericho himself. Even (look of disdain) Evan Bourne scored a win over Jericho last week. ENOUGH, says Jericho. Jericho's made a career out of taking down the top dog. But now that HE is the top dog, he won't be the author of his own demise. He will stay on top and the gelatinous pustules in the audience will learn to love it. And it all starts tonight, as Jericho challenges Evan Bourne to come on down and try his luck in a rematch.
   
  Out comes Bourne. Rematch on. And it was awesome. Easily the Match Of The Night, which is telling, since it wasn't even one of the things WWE put any thought into. It was just an unannounced impromptu add-on. And it still owned. Great set-up by Jericho in the promo, great action, great redhot crowd (which was split 50/50, and MIGHT have undermined the Bourne push, except that the sheer palpable enthusiasm of the crowd added so much to the atmosphere that it really didn't matter that some were rooting for Jericho). I won't even try to go play-by-play on this one, and just tell you to youtube it, instead. It's worth it.
   
  Tons of nonstop and VERY convincing near falls at the end, with Bourne never giving up and always finding ways out of every predicament (be it a pinfall or a bad-ass old-school Liontamer).  After about the sixth time both guys were on the top rope and jockeying for position, Bourne was able to shove Jericho off and quickly land the Air Bourne Shooting Star Press as a follow-up. He covered, and that was it: another upset by the kid. Just about 15 minutes, and easily the only really good thing they delivered tonight. Match of the Night, and it wasn't even close.
   
  
• Rey Mysterio wins 4-Way Match to become the new World Heavyweight Champ. Punk sent the SES back to the lockerroom during his entrance; hmmm. Punk, Rey, and Swagger pretty much decided to team up on Big Show early, and thus, Show powdered out around the 3 minute mark. That left the other 3 to do various iterations and stuff, but nothing really notable. Then Show came back with a vengeance at the 7 minute mark: Michael Cole tried to use a cliche to describe Show's comeback, but in so doing, he badly mixed his metaphors, and wound up proving himself to be not exactly the sharpest knife on the tree, if you take my meaning.
   
  Show's domination lasted for a few moments before both Rey and Punk managed to use the ringsteps against Show (taking out his knee). Back in the ring, the remaining guys all hit finishers on each other and then... Kane hit the ring, with a casket. Looking over the four fallen bodies, Kane chose to put Punk in the casket, but this is when Luke Gallows came out to save Punk; the distraction allowed Punk to get away, and in so doing, essentially "eliminate" himself. Kane followed, leaving the other three guys in the ring. Actually: only two guys "in the ring" (Show was still wounded at ringside after his knees got taken out). Quick flurry between Swagger and Rey, and Rey got the better of it: (619) and a springboard splash later, and we've got a new champ. Not bad, but it was all of 10 minutes. TEN MINUTES? For a co-main-event? Really?
   
  
• Miz beat R-Truth to retain the US Title. The match was over-long and bland. The the pre-match was solid. Miz decided to parody Truth's "What's Up" rap, and did a typically bad white-man version of it until the very end, where he ingeniously managed to blurt out that "My title reign will blossom / Cuz I'm the Miz, and I'm Awesome." Best rhyme evar. EVAR~! Then the match started. And just dragged on and on and on. Lotsa rest holds by Miz (focused on Truth's ribs) to sell the idea of him being "in control," just sporadic hope spots by Truth, but never any real flow to it. Then, after about 12 minutes, there was a totally random bit of backa nd forthy that ended with Miz getting a cheap roll-up and Truth couldn't kick out because of his "injured ribs." And that's that. About 3 minutes of action in a 12 minute bag, and I never likey that.... but I guess it gets points for making Miz's win seem "legit"; he limited his doucheyness to the pre-match mic work and then won the match itself with Real Wrestling. Even if it was Real Boring Wrestling.
   
  
• The Harts beat the Usos in an Intergender Match. This was better than the US Title Match, objectively-speaking, but due to shitty build-up the crowd treated it exactly the same, so that kept some luster off of it. Nattie and Tamina started, then gave it back to the boys for the major portion of the match. A few nice spots before they settling in for standard fare with Tyson Kidd as the Face In Peril... odd thing is: when he made the hot tag, he didn't do so to Baby Bulldog Davey Smith. He tagged Nattie back in. Smith really didn't do much the whole match, so I wonder if there's something up with him? Pier Six Brawl, and the guys all wind up taking a powder together, leaving Nattie and Tamina to settle up. Tamina (the Superfly-ette) tries to do her daddy's finishing move, but whiffs, so Nattie nails a wicked hooking clothesline for the win. About 8-10 minutes, and not objectionable at all... but it still fell well flatter than it should have if they'd done a better job on RAW the past two weeks.
   
  
• Sheamus wins a 4-Way Match to become the new WWE Champ. Ring intros start at 10:05 (eastern), so I made a post to the OO Forums about how OBVIOUSLY, they aren't asking these guys (especially with an injured Orton) to go 50 minutes, and thus, there HAD to be a super-special surprise angle/swerve yet to come. Already, they teased that Vince might be up to something. During Sheamus' entrance, they SLEDGE HAMMERED us over the head with the fact that Sheamus took out HHH and HHH hasn't been seen since, which seemed like another possibly interesting bit of foreshadowing (but again: if you think that's leading to anything, think again). Finally, Sheamus, Orton, Edge, and champ Cena are all here, so let's begin.
   
  Crowd hates Cena. Crowd loves Edge. Crowd also pretty hot (80/20 in favor of) Orton, so their opinions actually shouldn't count. Everybody seems to agree to hate Sheamus.
   
  Edge/Sheamus powder out to give us a taste of Cena/Orton (crowd: very pro-Orton, which makes me itchy). They do a minute or three, then the heels get back in and we settle in for more standard pairing, mostly Edge vs. Orton and Cena vs. Sheamus. A bit o' that, then Orton takes a powder. Heels dominate Cena (crowd loves it). Orton back in, and hits his One Good Move (the double hangman DDT) on Cena/Sheamus; Edge had to break up the cover.  Thus began an "end game" where there was no real flow, just guys hitting big moves, getting the opposite reactions they'd intended, and then everybody still kicks-out/reverses it. Just jarring and not very compelling. It's not like they weren't doing stuff: they were, not lazing it or anything, really. It just never coalesced into anything I could give a shit about due to the randomness and lack of emotional investment (and the mixed emotional investment of the live crowd).
   
  Then: about 12 minutes in, they did something they had not done the entire night. They cut to a backstage shot of a few RAW guys watching the match on a monitor. And as if by magic, THIS PRECISE MOMENT is when NXT decided to show up and attack those RAW guys. Jesus H. Lapdancing Christ, WWE: how old am I? 7? You cut to an anvilicious backstage shot for the FIRST TIME EVER THE ENTIRE NIGHT and I'm supposed to agree that it's TOTALLY SENSIBLE that NOW is when the evil bad guys JUST SO HAPPENED to show up? Fuck you. Fuck you with barbed-wire-wrapped gorilla cock if you think that's how you make compelling TV.
   
  So then the NXT guys move to the ring and beat the shit out of the 4 main eventers (Sheamus gets off easy, and kind of hides out after a few glancing blows). The attack then focuses on Cena, who eats a front-Samoan-slam from Barrett and a 450 from Gabriel. Then Edge gets his wits about him and tries to attack NXT, which distracts ALL SEVEN OF THEM (don't ask me why). This allows Sheamus to sneak into the ring and pin Cena really quick-like. He grabs his newly-won belt and escapes through the crowd as NXT acts miffed. NXT, however, has still gotten the better of Cena, Edge, and Orton, so that makes them happy. Until Sheamus shows up back on the top of the stage with his belt, posing. NXT chases after him....
   
  And then: the PPV ends. At 10:33pm (eastern). Almost a half-hour early. No surprise/satisfying show-closing bit with Vince or HHH. Just a "main event" that lasted 20 minutes or so, thudded to anti-climax, and then the broadcast ends 30 minutes before it should have. Are you trying to piss us off, WWE? Or do you really think that was a solid effort on your part? Cuz I can't believe either of those two scenarios represent reality, and yet, I can't come up with a third to explain why that just happened.
   
  Just soul-sappingly bad.

That's all I got for now.... keep checking back to OO throughout the week for more news, thoughts, fall-out, and lots more. Including coverage of tomorrow night's RAW, which will feature (1) Sheamus as your WWE Champ, (2) nonstop hype about how Fatal Fourway was a totally awesome and worthwhile PPV that you should buy on replay even though it wasn't, and (3) the return of Vince McMahon as a regular TV character.
 
Jesus. Just kill me now. Either that, or make my life worth living by donating to keep OO running. Come to think of it, I'd probably prefer the latter.
 
Talk to you again soon, kids....