I can't even really fathom that it was already 11 f'n years ago that that happened, nor can I stop myself from feeling mega-sad when I think about it... but thankfully, Randall F. Orton decided to show up tonight and make me smile, in ways he hasn't since that fateful day he decided to drink a Corona With Lime In It on national TV.
 
Granted, he did so by ALSO suffering an unexpected-and-for-real injury on PPV (on the anniversary of Owen's Incident), but somehow when Randy does it, it's just funny as hell. To me, anyway. And I do likes me the Schadenfreude, so maybe your mileage will vary....
 
I digress. Other than Orton making me smile with his phenomenal dedication to Being The Biggest Dipshit To Walk The Earth, tonight's PPV was hella lame. I don't want to talk about it much, but for you parasites? I'll do it. It's yet another $50 I've saved you. Why don't you THANK ME?
 
So here are your (VERY) quick-and-dirty results from the just-completed Over the Limit 2010 pay-per-view:

• Kofi Kingston beat Drew McIntyre to win the IC Title. Nice choice for the opener, but man was this ever insultingly short... no flow at all, but there was one spot you have to pay attention to, as Kofi did a "Mount and Punch" spot in the turnbuckle, and didn't break at the 5 count. The ref didn't DQ him, and Striker kept riffing on the fact that Kofi is a dirty cheater... then Kofi won clean with a pretty out-of-nowhere roll-thru-cradle-DDT-thingie (I think it's the "SOS," if you need a brand name; but it's a move that has been strictly a set-up move in the recent past while Kofi's tried to get his flippy "Trouble in Paradise" kick over as his finisher).  Call it 5-6 minutes, tops; not bad while it lasted, but far from good.
   
  Post-match: Kofi celebrated and left the ring. Drew pitched a hissy fit on the mic, demanding the match be over-turned (umm, why? oh, yeah, probably for that thing Striker mentioned).... but instead of an over-turn, Matt Hardy came out and Twist of Fate'd Drew. So.... ummmm.... Matt's NOT getting Future Endeavored as soon as possible but Carlito has been? D'oh....
   
  
• R-Truth beat Ted Dibiase. Nothing to see here. I at least thought they'd make Junior's loss mean something by having Virgil (the REAL Virgil) turn on him and align with Truth -- makes sense since Virgil and Teddy's dad didn't exactly get along at the end of their run together. But nope. Just 5 minutes of lame, and then Truth winning with his fancified Flying Burrito (a flying forearm where, for some reason, Truth flips and twists about eleventeen times, adding exactly nothing to the ferocity of the blow). Whee.
   
  
• Rey Mysterio beat CM Punk, and Punk was shaved bald. Match was seriously disjointed to start, and that was complicated when Punk accidentally started bleeding about 4 minutes in. So they tried to go into a holding pattern while a trainer tended to Punk, but the crowd went mutinous and started chanting "BORING," so Punk (I think) just called an audible and decided to keep wrestling and SCREW THIS G-RATED SHIT. Punk: I don't get your freakish aversion to the entirely enjoyable weekend hobby that is booze, but if you want to abstinate from WWE's policy of catering to 10-year-olds, I love you, dude.
   
  So Punk shoved the trainer aside, and savaged Rey in a sneak attack, and it was back on. Some super-intense shit here, but it was ultimately for naught, as they didn't let it go anywhere.... instead, Punk did the heel beatdown, then Rey made his comeback, and then it went punchy-kicky between the two, and then without any real good false finishes or teases, they just had Rey whiff on a West Coast Pop attempt, and then Punk gloated, and then Rey cheap-school-boyed him for the win. Maybe 10-12 minutes, and while not great, I sort think this was the Match of the Night.
   
  Postmatch: Punk acted like a girly bitch, begging off of being shaved bald. Which allowed the Hoodie Guy to run in from the crowd to attack Rey. Then Luke and Serena ran out from the back with handcuffs, clearly intending to keep Punk from being shaved bald. Then Kane made an inexplicable run in, and it ended with Punk being cuffed to the ropes, so Rey could shave him. All this time: Punk's head-wound continued to bleed profusely, so good luck if you expect to see this haircutting on RAW/SD/WWE.com/future-DVD-releases.... Rey pulled the Brutus Beefcake and showed Punk his own bald dome in a mirror (yay?), then Serena showed up with a towel and scuttled Punk to the back while caressing him in an strumpetous fashion.
   
  As a bald man, I hereby request that Serena report to my house within the next week to cover MY shame with a towel while stumpetizing me. Also, she will then join me for a drink. And after that? I dunno, but it'd probably involve a fun game where we check up on exactly where the two of us are storing (or not storing) our body's hair.
   
  
• Hart Dynasty beat Chris Jericho/Miz to retain the Unified Tag Titles. Total let-down versus my expecations. I thought this had "Match of the Night" written all over it, and instead, it was just flat-as-hell. No Uncle Bret was probably part of that, as my expectation was a hot crowd that HATED Miz/Jericho because of the lovable Harts. Instead, without the Hitman, the crowd was split 50/50, with "Y2J" chants actually dominating the early minutes, and Davey and Tyson getting polite applause. Whoopsie.
   
  Tyson did a basic babyface-in-peril bit, then a hot tag to Baby Bulldog, then Pier 4 Brawl, and then they just flopped to anticlimax as Davey released a bearhug (which is a mid-match move to me, and totally killed my interest, and made me think they were resetting), only to have Tyson get back inot the mix for an instant Hart Attack clothesline. And it's over? Just like that? Yep, Miz is pinned in under 10 minutes. Not outright sucky, but pretty lame versus what I'd anticipated....
   
• Edge and Randy Orton go to a Double Count Out. So... this match. Muwhahahahahahah~!
   
  They did about 6 minutes of feeling-out/builing-up, and it was quite boring and uneventful.... but it seemed like they were at least building towards something. And then, at the 10 minute mark, they FINALLY decided to shift gears and hit full speed. A little back and forth, a little drama, a little intensity.... and in the early-phase teasing, they decided to do a bit where Viper Orton as COILED AND READY TO STRIKE... no way was a real finish, or even a real tease (he wasn't gonna hit an RKO 10 minutes into a match), but Orton did what Orton does, and SOLD IT like a champ....
   
  Forget having anything cool or compelling about you... just sell lame ass shit like you mean it, and you'll be a superstar~! That's Randy Orton's creed, and it's why he really CINCHES IN~! that chinlock, even though nobody takes chinlocks seriously. It's why Randy Orton really puts some stank on the Garvin Stomp, even though nobody takes the Garvin Stomp seriously.
   
  And it's why Randy Orton takes Pounding The Mat Before the RKO seriously, even though nobody with personal standards is impressed by it.
   
  So on this night, Randy POUNDED THE MAT for the first RKO tease of the night and then immediately crumbled to the mat, holding his right arm. Edge had previously worked Randy's LEFT arm, so this isn't a follow-up on that, right? Nope... this looks real.
   
  And it is real. Things just go crazy awkward as Orton, Edge, and the ref try to sort things out. Orton, who just broke his own arm like the diptard that he is, is mostly just shouting demands to anybody who'll listen, and Edge/ref try to comply... it ends with a sloppy and utterly unsatisfying ending where both men get counted out. Oy.
   
  Final match time was 12 minutes or so. The smile on my face, however, might last all night. And into tomorrow. Maybe all of this week. And I say that with pride, because you all know I'm a small, shallow, and petty man... it's not like I really wish harm on Randy Orton, it's just that I wish he'd get off my f'n TV and let me be. I suspect tonight accomplished that goal; Orton may be looking at a few months of vacation -- and while he might be mildly inconvenienced by the injury, he's not really "harmed" -- which will make my Monday's slightly more tolerable.
   
  Plus: the way the injury happened was HIGH-LARIOUS. The only way it'd have been funnier is if he'd ruptured a shoulder while doing a chinlock. Way to try REALLY HARD at the moves that NOBODY CARES ABOUT, you mantard.
   
  Bonus points to Ken Kennedy, who has been tweeting/blogging tonight, and scored a few zingers off of Orton, too. If you recall, it was almost exactly one year ago when Orton caused Kennedy to get fired from WWE for suplexing Orton in a match. Yes, YOU CANNOT SUPLEX ORTON~! It's kind of a rule.  Anyway, Orton thought Kennedy was TRYING to injure Orton's chronic right shoulder; nothing was further from the truth, but since when does Orton care about rational thought? Kennedy got fired, and is now VERY pleased that -- while HE failed to injury Orton with his obviously-on-purpose suplex -- Orton has INJRED HIMSELF with his dipshittery. 
   
  If Orton wants to be consistent, I hereby declare that he must go to WWE management tomorrow and demand that HE be fired for causing this injury. Go ahead, Randall, make my day...
   
  
• Big Show beat Jack Swagger by DQ, but Swagger retains the World Title. Nothing to see here.... obviously, the previous match was supposed to go 10-15 minutes longer and have a real ending, but they were forced to have the lame cop-out ending. Here, the BOOKED a lame cop-out ending and stuck with it, and it didn't really play well when stacked on top of what just happened.
   
  Just 5 minutes of sports-entertainment-y stuff where Show got the better of Swagger, and then -- just when you were settlign in and sort of having fun with how goofily likeable Show is and how boo-able Swagger is -- they had Jack just go and get himself disqualified on purpose by pasting Show in the noggin with the title belt. Plonk.
   
  Postmatch was Swagger deciding to hang around and celebrate, only to get KO Punch'd by Show, once Show got back on his feet. I guess we've not seen the last of these two, which is kinda alright (since they mesh well together, especially character-wise), but kinda disappointing to anyone who wanted -- you know? -- a RESULT tonight...
   
• Eve beat Maryse to retain the Diva Title. I took a piss. It was over. It was that fast. If something important happened here, I'll count on RAW to catch me up tomorrow night. Somehow, I'm pretty sure "something important" is the polar opposite of anything that happened in this match.
   
  
• John Cena beat Batista in an "I Quit" Match to retain the WWE Title. Patented MIXED REACTION~! for Cena, but more telling: the patented suckiness of "I Quit" was on display. From the opening 5 minutes, this was just spot then pause then ref-shoves-mic-in-guy's-face-to-ask-if-he-quits, and it was lame.... also lame: Cena got a boo-boo and started bleeding so AGAIN they paused the show and tried to clean that up, and the crowd (rightfully) got antsy. Hey, WWE: you're presenting a prodcut based ENTIRELY on people settling difference by BEATING THE SHIT OUT EACH OTHER. Not only is it stupid and irresponsible of you to to try to water-down and package that in a g-rated way for 10-year-olds, but it sure as hell makes this obsession with Never Showing Blood a dodgy proposition, now, doesn't it? Just get a big boy product for grown ups, already. I don't need stupid, pointless, gratuitous filth, but if a guy fucking BLEEDS in a fucking FIGHT, just let it be, dammit.
   
  Anyway, about 10 minutes in, this does, however, hit a stride as they brawl out into the crowd and lose the "I Quit" pacing/gimmick to just FIGHT for a bit... then the fight spills back out onto the staging area, and you can tell we are entering End Game.
   
  The "Over the Limit" PPV name was paired with a NASCAR style promotional gimmick where everyting was about speedometers or RPMmeters or whatever, so there was a classic Mustang/hot-rod/stock-car on the stage, which became the centerpiece of the final brawl. Batista got the first real advantage on the stage, and tried to run Cena over with the car (they keys, it turned out, were in the ignition for Dave, since all Prop Cars are intended to be driven by anybody who walks by; so f'n dumb). Cena dodged, but Dave thought he hit, so he slowly and cockily got out of the care to check Cena's carcass, only to be attacked by Cena.
   
  An F-U onto the hood of the car stunned Batista. The ref asked if Batista quit; Batista didn't; then Cena took the mic and said "I hoped you'd say that."
   
  Cena pulled Batista onto the ROOF of the car, and hoisted him into F-U position, at which point Batista just started shouting "I QUIT I QUIT DON'T DO THIS I QUIT." The ref heard it and called for the bell. Cena shrugged and still F-U'd Batista off to the side of the car, and a Magical Hatch in the steel stage collapsed to provide Batista with a soft landing.
   
  A Hatch? OMG~! TOTAL "LOST" HOMAGE~! RIGHT? Except, as  gay as this was, it was still only 98% as stupid as "Lost" turned out to be.
   
  Anyway, you think the show ends with Batista F-U'd though the stage (and straight to whatever Hollywood d-list he'll be on if he's really serious about quitting WWE), but you'd think wrong... as Cena celebrated and we were just about to fade out: here's Sheamus to kick Cena in the head.
   
  Way to be, fella.
    

I got nothing else. Sorry if the recap was shoddy, but really: this wasn't a show that exactly tickled my Inspirado. Except for the Orton thing, anyway, and I'm clearly a dick for thinking that was funny....
 
More coverage/analysis/etc. here at OO throughout the week, so c'mon back early and often, kids. See you again soon...