Anyway, I mis-typed the file name of the actual text portion of that preview column and that's why that happened. Then I was occupied with other missions and whatnot all day Saturday and early on Sunday and didn't even become aware (via many angry emails) of the problem until it was far to late to bother fixing it. I'll just talk a bit about the WWE firings in the War 2.0 Tale of the Tape tomorrow, and jettison the PPV Preview portion of the column to the land of wind and ghosts, never to be seen by mortal eyes... unless you're some kind of batshit crazy Rick Stalker who knows how all my file-naming is done and you somehow figured out how to find the text of Friday night's column and are saving it as a super-rare Rick Bootleg Rarity, or something.
 
In which case, my typo is not nearly as disturbing as your obsession, weirdo!
 
I digress. Here are your quick-and-dirty results from the just-completed Extreme Rules pay-per-view:

• Opening Video Package and Whatnot.... basically, this amounted to WWE admitting, "Hey, some of the stuff we did at WrestleMania wasn't entirely satisfying, so now, TONIGHT, we'll finally give you some closure with lots of re-do matches that'll deliver!" Points for honesty... now, to see if they deliver on the promise....
   
  
• In-Arena Pyro/Welcome/Etc., as we are live from Baltimore, MD, and it's a packed house and the announce team of Cole, Lawler, and Striker can't wait to get this rodeo started... which means shooting it down to the ring for.....
   
  
• Triple H vs. Sheamus (Very Special "Not a Match" Match). Yep, while still in the warm glowing, glowing warmth of the show-opening pyro, they hit Motorhead, and it SEEMS like Hunter is gonna be jerking the curtain tonight.... but the music keeps playing and there's still no Hunter, so what gives?
   
  Cole acts perplexed for a moment after HHH's music stops, but then a camera catches up to some action backstage: it's Sheamus and HHH brawling in a hallway... Sheamus is getting the better of it, leading to speculation that he jumped HHH from behind (of course, we didn't actually SEE that, which makes Cole's "reporting" about as valid as anything you've ever seen on FOXNews). As the beatdown continues, Sheamus busts out his Steel Pipe of Vengeance, and whaps HHH in the skull with it. Twice. Teddy Long hits the scene, and despite having no authority over RAW he IS still the only WWE Authority Figure who has a job every week, so he verbally castigates Sheamus (who leaves) and then joins a now-arriving phalanx of refs in calling for a trainer to tend to HHH....
   
  So, ummm, no match, then? Not for now, anyway...
   
  
• ShowMiz are AWWWWWESSSSSSOOOOOOOOOME. Even as Cole tries to out-Schiavone Schiavone by acting like HHH is dead, ShowMiz's music hits, and THEY hit the ring. In short: they are the best tag team in the history of WWE. And don't take THEIR word for it. Take Bret Hart's word. Because tomorrow on RAW, they are still going to force Bret to make that admission (as agreed to 2 weeks ago, but delayed by Angry Volcanoes), and we should all tune in to see.
   
  But that's tomorrow, and for tonight, ShowMiz are just DYING to prove that Bret's belief that ShowMiz are the best tag team ever is true. There is a dearth of competition, says Miz, so please, he's begging ya, just send somebody out here, and we'll beat 'em, and that'll be that.
   
  Enter Teddy Long, who again pretends like he's pre-occupied as if HE has any authority over the HHH/Sheamus mess, and knocks Miz for being yet another annoying fly in his ointment... Teddy suggests that he'll go find himself a tag team, and give 'em a non-title match tonight, though. Miz is not impressed, claiming Teddy's incompetence is only matched by that of the Baltimore Orioles. BOOOO~! Teddy no likey the sass-mouth, so he says fine, he'll find TWO teams for tonight. Miz still not impressed (though Big Show is starting to gesture -- Broadly -- that he's not too fond of Miz once again digging them a deeper-than-necessary hole), and keeps mocking Teddy and talking over him. Finally, Teddy hushes Miz and says it's THREE teams, now, and if Miz wants to keep running his mouth, they can make it four.
   
  Miz TRIES to keep running his mouth, but Show muzzles him, forcibly, as Show is CLEARLY annoyed at what a cocknozzle Miz can be sometimes. HA~!
   
  With the dialogue now turned into a monologue, Teddy clarifies that this will now be a 4-team (or 3-on-1) NON-TITLE Gauntlet Match. If ShowMiz wins out, maybe they deserve to be lauded by Bret tomorrow on RAW.... but if they lose at any point along the way? The team that beats them will earn a title shot tomorrow night on RAW. Let's play...
   
  
• The Hart Dynasty win the 4-Team Gauntlet.... first team out to challenge ShowMiz are John Morrison and R-Truth. Oy, from pinning the World Champ to being a useless prop in an anvilicious show-opening match in two nights flat; I feel for you Johnny, I do... flashy start for the babyfaces, then Show tags in and Truth turns into the time-compressed Face In Peril, then a tag to Morrison, who flurries on Show and actually counters a Chokeslam attempt, but locking his legs around Show's neck and turning it into a sorta-triangle-choke (with Show still standing).... Truth takes out Miz with a plancha, and the focus is all on Morrison/Show; with the hold still locked in, Show stumbles into the ropes, which necessitates a break. But Johnny doesn't break; he keeps cinching in. Ref starts a count, and Show actually starts tapping out... but the ref gets to 5 without seeing it, and calls for the bell: Truth/Morrison are DQ'ed. End Gauntlet Phase 1.
   
  MVP (or, NAMBLA for short) and Mark Henry hit the ring for Phase 2. Show is unconscious outside the ring after Johnny's illegal choke-out, so they go to town on Miz. Leads up to a heat sequence for MVP, where he finally hits Ballin', but it's close to the ropes, and Show is JUST NOW regaining his senses. So Show drags himself up and reaches into the ring and KO Punches MVP while the ref is distracted. Miz flops on top of MVP and gets the pinfall. End Gauntlet Phase 2.
   
  And here is the Hart Dynasty (with Uncle Bret leading the charge to a big pop). They assess the situation, and immediately hit a double team dropkick on Show, knocking him from the apron to the floor. Then they isolate on the still-not-entirely-with-it Miz,and quickly hit a Springboard Hart Attack. And that's all she wrote. Harts get a title shot on RAW, which should be cool... pretty short-ish and simplistic, but between the promo part (which was 5 minutes) and the straight-forward crowd-pleasing match part (which was maybe 10 minutes, tops, even with 4 teams involved), I got no complaints about how that played out....
   
  
• Backstage: Todd Grisham is outside the Trainer's Room (the door even has a helpful sign!), saying that HHH's status for tonight is still uncertain... and then, Todd is interrupted by Sheamus, who says he doesn't care if HHH makes the mistake of coming to the ring and getting his ass kicked via pinfall, or if HHH is a little girl who stays backstage and forfeits his match, he WILL have his hand raised in victory tonight. Promise.
   
  
• CM Punk defeats Rey Mysterio. The Straight Edge Society enter first, and man alive for all the pro-Serena stuff I've said this past few months in an attempt to get you shallow, style-over-substance diptards to realize how a chick can be bald and still hot, she really dropped the ball tonight. Capri pants and heels. Seriously, Serena, seriously? First of all: heels should never be worn with pants; they're for dresses and skirts. Only. If you're wearing jeans or whatever, just do sneakers or sandals or even a pair of sassy boots, but not heels. And NEVER Capri Pants. EVER. Unless you are of my mother's generation, or want people to look at you like you are of their mother's generation, NEVER.  Even William Shatner agrees with me on this, and NONE of us want to know what HIS mother looks like these days.
   
  Rey enters second, and does some fun little taunting posery with the Barber Chair and Barber Tools before getting into the ring to kick things off. But not to kick them off well.
   
  Opening minutes are almost 100% Punk, with just sporadic Hope Spots for Rey. The whole crew are spot on this whole, time, too. Serena chimes in with a few kicks (and great facial expressions, which I can apprecaite since they were shot from the neck up, and I could see no capris), Luke lands a few naughty shots, and Punk is just GOLD as he decides THIS MATCH is the one where he will suddenly go all Gorgeous George on us and preen and twirl his precious beautiful hair as if it is the most important thing in the world. Fun times. Punk's offense also evolves from initially strike-y to submission-y over time, including a surfboard and even a Gory Special (correctly called by Striker~!) as they toyed with an emphasis on Punk attacking Rey's ribs/mid-section.
   
  Rey's first real rally comes at the 10 minute mark, and when Serena tries to swing momentum back by tripping Rey, the ref catches her. The ref also ejects her from ringside. And when Luke complains, he ALSO gets ejected. Hey, Serena, honey: don't fret, your Messiah's probably gonna be OK, so just go back and change into something not-stupid-looking honey... and if I ever get a chance to debut in WWE, I swear I'll base my entire gimmick on Becoming The Man Who You Decide Should Buy You A Drink, you temperance-loving prohibition-embracing strumpet~! We'll both have fun. As long as you're not wearing capris.
   
  Anyway, now it's back to one-on-one, and they really do a sweet job of making PUNK seem like the total underdog (now divested of his disciples), and the crowd is pretty hot... the good story and giving it enough time to build has really clicked here in the reverse of how the WM match did NOT click and resulted in a mutinous pro-Punk crowd. Rey's beatdown and subsequent comeback are spot-on tonight, though.... pretty sweet "babyface beatdown" heat sequence for Rey, with convincing near falls and all... Punk seems to have FINALLY countered that when Rey goes for a top rope move, but Punk yanks him off in position for a Go To Sleep... but Rey re-reverses into a cool 'rana-into-a-small-package for the best near fall of the match. But Punk is still with-it, and gets the better of the post-near-fall punchy-kicky, and as the crowd rallies behind Rey with "SIX ONE NINE" chants, Punk prickisly wags his finger at them as if to say "Nuh uh, diptards." So as soon as Punk charges Rey the next time: drop toe hold and Punk lands in PERFECT position for the (619). D'oh.
   
  And then: it gets interesting.
   
  As Rey is prepping to follow up with a springboard move, a guy-in-a-hoodie pops up from under the ring and places a steel chair in the ring. This distracts the ref. Then the same guy-in-a-hoodie dives under the ring on that side, only to come out on the other side, right behind Rey. He yanks Rey off the apron and facebombs him into the concrete floor. Then he dives back under the ring (we never got a look at him, not even on replays; if that was Darren "Black Cena" Young, it might be sorta interesting, but I'm kinda hoping it's somebody diferent and not-sucky). Punk recovers, drags Rey's carcass back into the ring, hits a GTS, and that's it. Punk wins. Solid 15 minute match, and on a night without a real "match of the night," this was one of the four matches that ended up as pretty-watchable (but I don't think any were as good as a match we got for FREE back on Monday)...
   
  Post-match, Punk "celebrated" by lounging in the barber chair on the stage, while the SES rejoined him. Luke just looked generally menacing, while Serena decided to toy strumpetously with Punk's still lengthy (and greasy) hair. Damn you, woman: first capris and dumb-ass shoes, and now you're practically slobbering over a man who apparently has no Personal Hygeine Regimen to speak of? You can do better, honey. You can do booze and flip-flops. And you can do me (I even shower daily!). Oooooooh, baby.
   
  
• JTG beat Shad Gaspard. Shad has an all new get-up including simple white rasslin' trunks and a new evil slow-jam entrance theme. JTG is still the same ol' "Blazing Saddles" caliber stereotype with his old gear and Cryme Tyme song. Match was craptacular, really, and the fans agreed with me: they perked up anytime someone used the strap for WHIPPING, but couldn't care less otherwise. And it all led up to my Least Favorite Strap Match Finish. The one where the heel is dragging the "unconscious" babyface around to touch the 4 turnbuckles, the the face is playing possum and touching the buckles behind the heel... then, after 3 turnbuckles, JTG sprung to life, hit one big move and the dove for the 4th buckle to win the match. So lame.... at least it was pretty short (5-6 minutes).
   
  
• Backstage: Grisham with another HHH Update... turns out that he's been diagnosed with a severe neck injury and possible nerve impingement. Awwww, how sweet of Hunter to pay homage to Disgraced Former OO Semi-Star Erin Anderson, who is currently suffering from Horrifying Neck Injury of her own. Unlike Erin, HHH is scheduled to have a match tonight, however, and Grisham thinks it's "highly unlikely" (tm, Gorilla Monsoon) that HHH will be able to make it.
   
  
• Jack Swagger defeats Randy Orton to retain the World Heavyweight Title. This is an "extreme rules match" which is unfathomably boring for the first 10 minutes. The announcers TRY to make it palatable by reminding us that Swagger is an accomplished in-ring grappler with Amatuer Skills, and so long as he keeps it in the ring, it's all part of his strategy. But also: his strategy is pretty boring, and forcing him to work that style to tell a story-not-worth-telling is insulting to me. Finally, at the 12 minute mark, bidness picks up when Orton finally uses the title belt as a weapon. Then it spills outside where he also uses a trashcan as a weapon. Then: he dis-assembles the ring steps and lays Swagger on top of them and -- yaaaaawwwwwwwnnn -- does a Garvin stomp on Swagger while Swagger is on the steel stops. Really? Then he tosses Swagger back in the ring and does the NORMAL Garvin Stomp on him to even less effect. Indifference, thy name is Orton.
   
  Orton's comeback/beatdown eventually results in a hangman DDT. Orton then briefly Pounds The Mat, like he's setting up for the RKO, but then stops. Gets his patented Man Bimbo Stare in his eyes (the one where you know he gets distracted by shiny objects, but WWE pretends it's the one where he crafts all manner of Diabolical Evil Plots).... Orton gets a steel chair, and sets it up mid-ring. Then he starts STALKING HIS PREY again, setting up for the RKO. But his diptard-staring gave Swagger enough time to recover... and when Orton tries to RKO Swagger throught the chair, Swagger just shoves Orton off and drops Orton back-and-ribs through the chair. Then he immediately hits a sit-out powerbomb (after his killer promo on SD, I sorta hoped they'd give that move a new Brand Name: "the Antidote" would be a sweet name for a finisher). 1, 2, and THREE~! Hells yeah, Swagger pins Orton CLEAN~! In "Rick Think" it's the outcome that HAD to happen, but in "WWE Think" I assumed there was a 0% chance of it happening.
   
  But then again: after the match, Swagger was just fetching his belt and minding his own business when WHAMMO~!, Orton nailed him with an RKO out of nowhere and for no good reason. Because petualant little brats are babyfaces? I dunno... and then we didn't even linger on Swagger's rKO'd carcass to let the announcers remind us that he did still -- technically -- WIN THE MATCH and DEFEND HIS TITLE. Nah, let's not tell that story... let's interrupt this "Marginalization of Jack Swagger By The Coward Randy Orton" (tm, the least-tweet-able movie title ever) by suddenly hitting Sheamus' Music for no good reason~!
   
  
• Sheamus beat Triple H. Yep, even as the aftermath of a World Title Defense was unfolding, they played Sheamus' music, and had him hit the ring (pausing only to trade Death Stares with Orton). Let's not render Swagger's win in ONE way, let's do it in TWO: first, the RKO out of nowhere, and second, let's just move along to the match that puts the focus directly on the boss' daughter's husband. Oh yeah, that makes TOTAL sense and will sit well with Internet wankers...
   
  Sheamus grabs a mic to start, and says there's no way HHH will be coming out to the ring tonight, so the ref should just raise his hand... then we cut to backstage and Grisham (still outside the Trainer's Room), who seems to confirm that HHH is in no condition to wr......
   
  Wait: the door opens, and HHH emerges, saying not one word. But also: not able to move his paralyzed left arm. But also also: he's had enough of Sheamus' happy crappy and is storming to the ring...
   
  And when he gets there, he wastes no time taking advantage of the "Street Fight" stipulation, since he tackles Sheamus to the outside and makes him eat announce table and ringside barricade. You only need one arm to do that shit. But when it gets back IN the ring? HHH tries a Pedigree, and suddenly realizes you CAN'T do that with one arm as he fails on the underhook... Sheamus capitalizes and starts a beatdown. It involves an homage to Orton, as Sheamus settles in for a nice long CHINLOCK~!, but in this case, they do a nice job of making it part of the match, since HHH is suffering from Broad-Caliber Whiplash... when Sheamus snuffs a HHH rally with a spinning neckbreaker, it only further drives home the point that he's focusing his attack on HHH's now-established weakness.
   
  HHH's rally at about 10 minutes in ended with him hitting a big DDT, but in so doing, he whiplashed himself enough that he couldn't follow up immediately. Sheamus kicks out, and then resumes the beating. Story now becomes the fact that HHH can't maintain an offense, but is MIGHTY on defense and just won't stay down. He keeps kicking out. Sheamus gets frustrated. Decides to grab his Steel Pipe o' Vengeance, and whaps HHH with it. STILL only a 2 count. Decides to try his Razor's Edge/Celtic Cross move (oh sweet fancy Moses, Cole said it's now named "Pale Justice"), but HHH worms out by grabbing the ropes and ditching to ringside. Out there, Sheamus charges, but is drop-toe-holded (? "held"?) into the ringsteps, and HHH produces a kendo stick.... let's just say that kendo welts show up GREAT on an albino.
   
  Sheamus starts begging off and trying to scurry up the ramp, but HHH follows, and finally discards the kendo stick to try a Pedigree again.... and it STILL doesn't work, as he can't lock the underhook, and Sheamus back body-drops him onto the steel stage (HHH's neck and upper back again take the brunt). Sheamus follows up with a Big Boot. Then he drags HHH back to the ring. Another Big Boot. Cover. HHH kicks out at 2~! Sheamus can't believe it, and looks on in awe as the ref checks on HHH and asks him if he even wants to keep fighting. OF COURSE HE WANTS TO KEEP FIGHTING.... HHH shoves the ref down and crotch chops in Sheamus' general direction. Oh no you didn't~! Sheamus just Big Boots HHH one more time. HHH falls into the ropes and bounces off them back intto the middle fo the ring. Before HHH can fall over, Sheamus Big Boots him AGAIN. Dick. Cover. 1, 2, 3. Sheamus wins, and had to practically murder HHH to do it. In wrestling terms, I think that means they both won (HHH doesn't look bad, but Sheamus still looks good). Another 16-18 minute match that is no stand-out (not even as good as what we might get for free on a good week), but still very solid.
   
  After the Match: Sheamus left and medics swarmed HHH... and then medics got punched and kicked and shoved aside as HHH no-wanty to be helped out. He wants to WALK OUT (mostly) under his own power.... and halfway up the ramp, Sheamus just sprints out and Big Boots HHH ONE MORE TIME~! Deliciously evil.... this time, Hunter is out, and when the medics put the neck brace on him and carry him out on a stretcher, he is unconscious and not able to complain. Pretty tasty finish, if you ask me. What bothers me is that for as hard as they sold Sheamus' win and made it seem important, they willfully hamstrung Swagger's win by doing the exact opposite. How does the same batch of writer monkeys do such a great job of hard-selling one heel's win, and such a shitty job of no-selling another's? Just mind-numbing, especially when you place the two segments back-to-back like this....
   
  
• Backstage: a quick interview with Edge, who says there are three ways to win a cage match in WWE. But there are only TWO ways he'll win tonight. Escape is not an option, because being locked in a cage with Jericho for as long as possible is Edge's only goal. EVIL~!
   
  
• Beth Phoenix beat Michelle McCool to become the new Diva Champion. So, ummm, this is an "Extreme Makeover Match." Which apparently involves a buffet table full of make-up and hair product that are, ummm, legal to use in the match? What-the-fuck-ever... back and forth to start, and while the action is non-descript, BOTH of Cole and Lawler make the same "Vickie Guerrero is gross and should totally sample the make-up table, that ugly skank" joke, which means the same voice was speaking in BOTH of their headsets, and though said joke was so funny, he ought to be uttered twice. Christ does Vince ever need to be slapped around in order make his sense of humor graduate past where it was in 8th grade....
   
  Back and forth ends and heel beatdown commences, but that ends when McCool decides to go sampling the Goodie Table, and comes up with hairspray... she tries to use it on Beth, but Beth ducks and Vickie/Layla end up being blinded. That makes it one-on-one, and Beth takes advantage. Eventually leads to a spot where McCool tries to finish things off with a Styles Clash, but it's reversed into a Glam Slam. FIN. New champ. As Beth celebrates, Vickie/Layla magically regain the power of sight to drag Michelle away from the ring. Call it 6-8 minutes of silliness; not really BADness, but definitely not anyting you can take seriously. Thud.
   
  
• Backstage: WWE Diva Josh Mathews catches up with Chris Jericho and asks him if its upsetting or distracting to realize he's in a HUGE match tonight, and just 5 nights ago he lost to an NXT Rookie. Jericho assures us that only a muscilaginous, gelatinous tapeworm could possible think that one night would erase Jericho's 10-year reign of legendary awesomeness, so no: it doesn't bother him. All that matters tonight is that Jericho is a "Man of His Word," and the only words he's been saying leading into tonight's match is that "Tonight I will end Edge's career inside that cage." Those words will matter. The loss on NXT doesn't. "Edge, I will end you tonight. You have my word."
   
  
• Edge beat Chris Jericho in a Cage Match. Jericho's "word" is called into question early, as he takes the first chance he gets to beat a hasty retreat towards the door and an Escape Win.... but maybe it was all just a ruse, because when Edge rushes to snuff out that escape, Jericho traps him and begins a heel beatdown focuses on Edge's SURGICALLY REPAIRED~! ankle/achilles... this goes on for a few minutes, and is only turned around when Edge manages to dodge a move and send Jericho careening into the steel cage.... both guys end up on the ropes and scaling the cage, and Jericho gets the better of that, crotching Edge on the top rope.... a Walls of Jericho follows, which Edge is able to counter by kciking Jericho back into the steel... he starts stalking and is setting up for a Spear (spear, spear, spear) but Jericho dodges and Edge eats steel. 
   
  Jericho is near the door, and it opens, and Jericho steps out. He steps down to the second step. He steps down to the bottom step.... but then he stops, as if remembering his own promo about being a "Man of His Word." And Edge may be beaten, but his career is NOT over right not. So Jericho grabs a nearby steel chair (without his feet touching the floor) and re-enters the cage to make good on His Word. Mistake.
   
  Jericho whiffs with teh chair and almost immediately eats a Spear out of nowhere. Kick out at 2. More back-and-forth and Edge eats a Codebreaker. Kick out at 2. Even Steven. More brawling leads to both guys ending up on top of the cage, trying to escape (Lawler: "Jericho is such a dumbass: he had the match won walking right out the door, now he's trying to escape the hard way." Which is a dick call, but TRUE~!). Ends Jericho landing on his feet in the middle of the ring, while Edge lands hard and is sitting on the top turnbuckle.... Jericho sees it, sizes it up, and hits a sweet-ass SPRINGBOARD ATOMIC CODEBREAKER~! Loved it. But only a 2-count. Jericho starts to lose it: "Just stay down, you stupid idiot." Stompy-punchy. Chopblcok to the injured achilles. "I gave you a chance, dummy." But the running commentary only fires Edge up... when Jericho tries to finish things off with a chairshot, Edge dodges and starts a huge rally.
   
  After repeatedly bashing Jericho's skull into the steel, the crowd is chanting for the Spear (spear, spear, spear), while Jericho crawls away from Edge and towards the door. "Oh, sure, NOW you want to get out, just when it's getting fun," says Edge. Edge then grabs the door as Jericho is half-sprawled out of the cage and SLAMS said door onto Jericho's ankle. Then Edge alledgedly follows up with some of the shittiest-looking "offense" this side of Orton as he just sort of half-assedly grabs Jericho's foot and throws his leg into the direction the mat. Really? Jericho sells this like a champ, however, and now we have our story: Edge has battled an ankle/achilles injury for NINE MONTHS NOW, and is standing tall over the pussbag heel who hurt his ankle NINETY SECONDS AGO. Probably sounded good/clever on paper, but in execution? Not so much. Edge hits a Spear and wins clean, but my oh my was that even anticlimactic for a match that was so well-done for 16-18 minutes previous to the over-thought-out/under-compelling finish.
   
  Still good. But not, you know?, BOSS.
   
  
• John Cena beat Batista in a Last Man Standing Match to retain the WWE Title. Match got started at 10:35 eastern, which was distressing.... LMS is maybe my favorite WWE gimmick match (and easily the one they can still do best in a PG-rated environment, since it's predicated on storytelling and not ultra-violence), but to ring true, it needs TIME to build up the gravitas. Going 15 minutes just won't do....
   
  This only gets worse when they insult the intelligence of every viewer over the age of 9 who has seen a GOOD LMS Match (or who can remember back to HHH/Sheamus) where it takes REAL MOVES and REAL VIOLENCE to put a man down (and even then, he'll still get up and keep fighting). I swear this is true: before 3 minutes had even expired, both Cena and Batista stayed down for 6 or 7 counts after moves such as suplexes or spinebusters. So f'n lame.
   
  But then again: this is the company who tried to convince you that Cena working EIGHT WHOLE MINUTES at the Elimination Chamber PPV was somehow the most epic display of heroic heroism of all times, so who are we to question the crediblity of a PPV main event possibly ending after 3 minutes? Oy.
   
  It should also be noted that the previously-well-behaved Baltimore crowd HATED Cena to the point where Lawler tried to save it by saying "Batista is from just down the road in Washington DC, so he's got home field advantage tonight." Really?
   
  Anyway the match is just really lame and insulting and time-compressed and fabricated for the first 10 minutes or so.... 7 counts 3 minutes in, and allegedly-high-drama 8-counts about 8 minutes in (especailly after Batista made a clear attempt to isolate Cena's knee, to the point of busting out a FIGURE FOUR -- which I don't think I've ever seen him do before and which did cause Cole to give a shout out to Ric Flair -- at one point)... I was just getting pissy. But then bidness picked up. Finally.
   
  For as much as they tried to pretend the 8 minute mark was 28 minutes, once they kicked it into gear, this was nothing hateful. It finally spilled outside, and got interesting. Batista skulled Cena with a wrench. Now THAT is something worth counting for! Batista gets a table and puts Cena through it. Now THAT is worth counting for! Cena rallies and tries a top rope move but Batista catches him and ends up spearing him. Now THAT is worth counting for!
   
  Cena gets up from that first Spear at 7, and for once, that seems about right. Batista spears him again, and when Cena drags himself to his feet at 8, Batista's indignation and frustration actually rings true. We got us a fight here, kiddies... match spills outside, where Batista goes foraging under the ring for a bit (he comes up with a toolbox filled with shit, but sees nothing useful and just dumps it off to one side to re-focus on kicking Cena's ass). The brawl ends up in Batista's favor, and the audio picks up a decidedly teenage girl (or very effete young boy) saying "I hate you Batista," which causes Batista to whip his head around and shout "Yeah, well I hate you, too." Nice. Screw diptarded teenboppers or even more diptarded adolescent boys who think Cena is likeable or emulateable~!
   
  The ringside brawl gets even MORE interesting after Batista spears Cena through part of the barricade, and then starts prepping the announce table (removing monitors, etc.).... and then Batista moves part of the ring steps adjacent to the announce table. Interesting.... and then Batista gets Cena and sets him up for a Batista Bomb while standing on the ring steps~! Presumably, to Bomb him through the table~! But Cena counters, and immediately hoists Batista up on his shoulders and F-U's him through the announce table instead. Cena gets back into the ring, and the ref applies the count.... but Batista gets up at 9.... and yeah, we're 15 minutes into what WWE wants you to believe is a 40 minute match, but NOW we are having fun, dammit....
   
  Cena can't believe Batista got up, so he goes back outside and gets another table. Sets it up mid-ring. After getting up at 9, Batista re-collapsed into an announcer chair, so Cena has to go grab him and drag him back into the ring. FU attempt, but Cena is shoved off into the ropes, and Batista catches him with a SPINEBUSTER THROUGH THE TABLE. Still only a 9 count. An incredulous Batista hits a BatistaBomb, thinking it's over. Now, however, Cena is up after an EIGHT count. D'oh. Batista figures he's in control, however, and tries for another BatistaBomb.... nope: Cena worms out the backside and cinches in an SSTF. Cinches it in good. Batista actually starts tapping out. But there are no submissions in LMS, so the ref doesn't break the hold. And Cena just keeps cinching it in, even as Batista is both tapping AND grabbing the ropes hoping for a break.
   
  Finally, Batista seems to pass out from the pain and Cena lets go. Cena relaxes on the other side of the ring, but BATISTA GETS UP AT 8.... oy vey, says Cena's body language, and he tries to figure out some way to keep the big man down.... and then: Inspirado hits. Cena crotches Batista on the ringpost, and then is looking around at the mess of stuff around his feet (the mess Batista made when spilling the toolbox earlier). Cena spots Duct Tape. Cena has An Idea.
   
  With Batista's "gut" still hurting from being rammed against the post, and his legs still wrapped around said post, Cena starts duct taping Batista's feet together. Batista finally realizes that what's happening with his feet MIGHT be more important than the throbbing pain in his balls (errr, "gut"), and tries to fight back, but it's too late. Batista is hog-tied with duct tape. Cena gets back in the ring and poses, taunts and "you can't see me" right in Batista's face from inches away. Batista is not even CLOSE to being KO'd, but he is hog-tied and cannot stand. The ref's count reaches 10, and Cena wins after 20 minutes of action, the last third of which was actually really good.
   
  Don't know about that finish, though. Cena couldn't actually beat Batista, so he duct-taped him? Seems a realy chickenshit thing to do, especially when you toss in the fact that he just totally went poser douchebag by taunting Batista from inches away when he knew Batista couldn't do anything about it. Much like the previous Edge/Jericho finish, it's an ending that I think sounded clever on paper, but which just flopped in execution.... I blame it on the liberal arts school dipshits that comprise the Writer Monkey Brigade for thinking that their worthless degree actually means anything, when it turns out the art of being clever and interesting is actually inbred and not taught in a classroom. Both those finishes just stank of "trying too hard" instead of reeking of awesomeness. Not my cup o' tea.
   
  Still both matches had good things going for them, too, and weren't entirely without merit, so, I'm kinda torn.... PPV ended abruptly, since the were running late, with Cena hoisting the title above his head and a half-assed hard-sell on tomorrow night's Draft Lottery.

That's all I got for now. Be sure to check back tomorrow when I have Monday Preview stuff (including the aforementioned news about WWE firings). And if you appreciate what I do in the area of saving you $700 per year on wrestling PPVs, remember you should thank me with a donation, you leeches~!
 
See you later, kids...