But those complaints are for later. Tonight, you're here to see me complain about the newly-renamed theme PPV that just happened. And I'm more than happy to save you $50 and be your huckleberry. You all remember how to thank me, right?
 
Here are your quick-and-dirty results from the just-completed Elimination Chamber 2010 pay-per-view:

• Show opening montage/pyro/etc... the video package makes it clear that the Road to WrestleMania begins TONIGHT (funny, I thought it began at the Royal Rumble?) and takes a mighty detour DIRECTLY THROUGH HELL (by which we mean two Elimination Chambers, and also, we can't outright say "hell" on the new G-rated WWE, so it's more a detour through a nebulous unnamed place of misery and pain)... we're live in St. Louis, MO, which supplies the world with Anheuser Busch products and absolutely nothing else of value, ever, in the entire history of the city... our mixed-brand announce trio is Cole and King from RAW, with Striker from SD adding some flavor... they barely have time to welcome us before we hear that ol' standard, "(Theme from) Lowering of the Cage," kicking in, signalling it's already time for our first title match...
   
  
• John Cena wins the RAW Elimination Chamber Match for the WWE Title. Cena, Triple H, Randy Orton, and Ted DiBiase are locked into pods for the start of the match, while champion Sheamus and Kofi Kingston get us started. There were halfway-decent pops for the expected (Cena/HHH), and Orton got his hometown cheers and a smattering of an "R-K-O" chant, but when they opted to start off with 2 perceived jobbers with no real tension between them, the crowd decided to not give a shit. They did a lot of that as the night went on. Very basic and non-descript back and forth for Kofi/Sheamus, leading up to Sheamus dumping Kofi onto the steel chamber floor outside the ring just in time for the 5 minute mark... which is when Triple H was released from his pod. Some interest in seeing Hunter take out Sheamus to start, but that fades as they ease back into a basic rhythm of punchy-kicky, with Kofi chiming in after a while to hit a high impact move on the steel which essentially does as much damage to him as it does to HHH/Sheamus, so he powders out again... 
   
  We eventually hit the 10 minute mark, and Orton is released from his pod. Whatever hometown heat there had been for Randall has dissipated to zero (once again confirming my long-held theory that some people think cheering Orton seems like a good idea at first, when presented with lesser alternatives -- such as Sheamus and Kofi in this case -- but realize they can't possibly continue to do so in good conscience, in the long run). Orton's entrance is still treated like a babyface entrance, though, as the newly-dubbed "Apex Predator" (and long standing "Lord of Unfitting Nicknames") basically gets a five minute heat sequence, getting the better of all three other guys up until a big kick from Sheamus, which essentially leaves all four men down and trying to collect themselves at the 15 minute mark.
   
  That's when Junior DiBiase is un-podded; with everybody down, what will DiBiase do? Turns out, he goes over to Orton, helps him to his feet, shakes his hand, and apparently enters a parternship with his Lethargy boss. You can almost feel the apathy coming off the live crowd in waves. The two easily handle the other three (the big spot is Orton hitting a hangman DDT onto the steel floor on HHH, leaving HHH to powder out for the next 10 minutes), and are the only ones standing tall at the 20 minute mark, so they actually get in front of Cena's pod and start taunting him before Cena gets released...
   
  Cena is then un-podded, and despite Legacy waiting for him, slices through them both, Superman-style, then took out Sheamus/HHH/Kofi, too. Cena hits an F-U on DiBiase, but Orton makes the save; back and forth brawl between Cena/Orton, and when DiBiase gets involved again, this time, Cena slaps him in the SSTF and again Orton makes the save... suddenly, here's Cody Rhodes at ringside with a lead pipe, which he throws into the chamber for somebody to pick up. DiBiase is the one who gets it, but as he does, Cena hoists him up for another F-U, and the pipe in DiBiase's hands swings around and clocks Orton. Accident or on purpose? YOU MAKE THE CALL~! Or don't: frankly, I don't really give a shit either way. After that, DiBiase very purposely uses the pipe on Cena to escape the F-U, and then stands over Cena and Orton, wondering what to do.
   
  DiBiase decides to pin Orton. It's 25 minutes in, and Randall is our first elimination. Awwww, and in his own hometown; poor poor guy. Randy shoots his man-bimbo Blank Stare of Doom at DiBiase as he SLITHERS away from the ring, but Teddy is keeping a poker face and not revealing if he really meant to clock Orton or if he just took advantage of circumstance. Unfortunately for Teddy, this display of Acting Prowess means he's not paying attention when Kofi comes up from behind and hits a spinny kick. Now DiBiase is eliminated. And immediately after that, Kofi is eliminated by a big boot/razor's edge combo from Sheamus. Elapsed time: about 25 seconds, but we got 3 elims and have now halved the field.
   
  HHH is still napping after that DDT a while back, so its Sheamus and Cena for a bit. Sheamus makes me perk up by appearing to set up to hit a top rope razor's edge on Cena, but Cena's nursing a bad back and ain't gonna take that happy crappy... Sheamus settles on trying a regular razor's edge, but NOW HHH decides to wake up, and puts a stop to that by uppercutting Sheamus in the man-sac. Add a Pedigree, and now Sheamus is eliminated. So much for WWE wanting to ride him all the way to WM26 where he'd be disposable heel fodder for uber-hero, HHH... instead, this seals Sheamus' fate of being remembered as a champion of Iron Sheik-ian proportions...
   
  After all that, crowd finally perks up just a bit for the prospects of HHH vs. Cena, with a new WWE Champ guaranteed... but HHH and Cena aren't in a giving mood: after moving in slow motion for about 90 seconds to convey how exhausted they are after a grueling match (even though Cena just got un-podded 5 minutes ago), there's one spot of reversals that ends with Cena clamping on the SSTF... there is no rope break in a Chamber match, and so after all of 18 seconds of struggling, Hunter taps out. Talk about anti-climactic... 26 minutes of safe/boring/g-rated brawling (making little to no use of the allegedly "brutal" steel structure), finally a reason to perk up, and then 2 minutes of milking it and then THAT is your ending? Wow.
   
  
• But Wait! NOT SO FAST, JON-JON~! Cena's half-heartedly celebrating with his belt -- he can't even get to his feet, though, after his exhausting 8 minutes of work in the chamber match -- when Vince McMahon's music interrupts. "Congratulations, John Cena. It looks like you're going to WrestleMania. But only if you can successfully defend your title RIGHT NOW against THIS MAN...." Yep: it's Batista.
   
  
• Batista pins John Cena to win the WWE Title. Cena does the Roddy Piper-style "I just been through hell and back but still got some fight left in me" pose of slouched fisticuffsmanship... he even lands one punch. Batista just smirks, steps back, and spears Cena. Then a BatistaBomb. One, two, three. Over. Another new champ. Bigger pop for this than for anything in the actual chamber match, so YAY FOR STUNT BOOKING~! But kind of a BOO for it making a whole lot of logical sense... for it to work, either Vince needed to have foreknowledge of Cena winning the title, or Batista had to somehow get ready and geared up AND Vince cooked up this scheme in the 30 seconds after Cena's win. Right? Or am I thinking too hard, and I should just enjoy the shocking swerve?
   
  
• Lengthy Video Package: all things Bret/Vince/Cena/Batista, including the comeback-ending broken leg suffered by Bret last week on RAW. And complete with soul-crushingly assinine over-sell by Cole when it comes to this being the worst thing ever to happen to Bret. Are you even remotely familiar with the man's life and career? Sure somebody could whip you up a pamphlet so you'd know how to prioritize this incident, you diptard...
   
  
• Drew McIntyre beat Kane to retain the IC Title. The ability to take Drew McIntrye seriously is entirely dependant on how much you love "Twilight." If "Twilight" is for you, then Drew's your man. If you're baffled by what anybody sees in "Twilight," then Drew's mind-bendingly awful ring entrance makes it quite clear to you that he's just another one of these ludicrous Goth Twinks (tm, Ferguson) who seem to be popping up everywhere. You shouldn't need me to tell you which camp I'm in. And which camp you should be in, if you ever want a chance in hell of being my friend. 
   
  Match was a big fat nothing. Nobody would have cared if this was given away for free on a Friday night, but here it is, testing our patience on a PPV. Yippee. It ends up being 10-12 minutes worth of nothing, then a covert eyepoke by McIntyre (that's sort of his thing, it seems), followed up by his slide-sling Pedigree type finisher. Done, done, onto the next one.
   
  
• Backstage: Maryse tries to suck up to Gail Kim again, but this time, Gail announces THE BIG REVEAL: she knows Maryse has just been bad-mouthing her in French this whole time. And it only took her 5 weeks to get around to mentioning this fact, for some reason. Anyway, Gail's had enough talking and says it's time for Bitchy McTwoface to get her comeuppance in the ring...
   
  
• Gail Kim vs. Maryse for the VACANT Diva Title does not happen. Just as the bell's about to ring, Vickie Guerrero comes out on stage and announce that she's displeased with Gail and Maryse for suggesting that SmackDown's divas are shallow immature bitches. SD's divas are totally with-it 21st Century women. And tonight, they'll prove it. Vickie says she's cancelling the title match, and replacing it with a tag match...
   
  
• Michelle McCool and Layla beat Gail Kim and Maryse. Yeah, so, umm.... yeah: I don't get it either, but this is what's happening. They play it totally obvious and connect the dots style. The heels cheat to start, Gail becomes the babyface in peril, and Maryse just stands around laughing and mocking her. When Gail finally fires up for the "hot" tag (the crowd has been decided ice cold since the Batista swerve), Maryse just slaps her and says "No thanks, sweetie." McCool follows up with the Styles Clash, and the match is over. Afterwards, Maryse adds insult to injury by taunting Gail and nailing her with a superfluous DDT.  And honestly, the crowd could NOT be deader... I mean, this show hasn't been any great shakes, but somehow, this audience is giving it even LESS than it deserves. Stunning...
   
  
• SHAMELESS HYPE: the announcers make a big deal out of NXT starting this week, and throw it to a big video package explaining things. Then, we're backstage, where Miz is interviewed about... you guessed it... NXT. Miz takes potshots at Dave Meltzer's secret lover (and all around internet darling), Brian "Dan Bryan" Danielson, saying that he doesn't care if his NXT Rookie knows more about wrestling than he does, because the Miz knows about Awesomeness, and Bryan is nothing but "a loser in line at the Star Wars convention"... MVP interrupts this rant, saying he agrees with Miz that personality/charisma are important, and he's sure Miz has a lot of wisdom to impart on that front.... but even MORE important is WINNING, which leads MVP back to Monday, when MVP/Henry won a tag match over Miz/Big Show... he then imparts HIS wisdom, saying this has somehow led to MVP getting a singles match and US Title match against Miz later tonight.... ummmm, how does that work, now?
   
  
• MORE SHAMELESS HYPE: so now we cut back to the ring, where William Regal is entering to deliver a promo of some kind... in this case, that kind of promo is: MORE FUCKING NXT HYPE. Jesus H. Lapdancing Christ: only in WWE do they think it's a good idea to make you pay $50 for a show, and then serve up 15 straight minutes of infomercial for a FREE TV show... Regal's going on about how much wrestling knowledge he has to share with NXT rookies AND how much life knowledge he'd pass along to these cretinous fans, if only they had the sense to listen.... from the get-go, the crowd does not give a shit, and starts "What'ing" Regal out of sheer boredom... finally, we get an interruption. It's Edge, who calls Regal "Lord Snugglesworth," and declares he's here to tell the fans something they might actually be interested in hearing.
   
  Edge's big announcement? That he'll make his big announcement about which title he's chasing tomorrow night on RAW. Ahhhh, yes: the classic "announcing the announcement." Again, that's WWE making sure you feel like you've gotten your money's worth. Then Edge spears Regal for the hell of it, and Michael Cole wets his man-panties in excitement, and I'm left wondering if that's REALLY all they decided to do with Edge for tonight. It can't be, can it? Oh, wait, it is? Baffling...
   
  
• Video Package: we're on the Road to WrestleMania, which is like the World Series, the Super Bowl, and eleventeen simultaneous orgasms all rolled up into one. And thanks to WWE, it's apparently going to have just as shitty a soundtrack as ever once again this year.
   
  
• Miz beats Muchly Vaunted Posterior (or NAMBLA, for short) to retain the US Title. Adding to the WTF? Factor, Big Show and Mark Henry are both at ringside... MVP and Henry won a non-title tag match on Monday, all four guys are here, and yet somehow, someone thought we needed a singles match. This is just making my brain hurt... another pretty standard match, albeit with better pace/flair than the Drew/Kane snoozefest. Show at ringside doing a cheerleader routine and some slightly flashier moves (MVP even hit a cool Kurt Angle-esque run-up-the-turnbuckle superplex) even got the crowd mildly engaged. This is the most noise they've made in an hour. MVP seems just about ready to win after a flurry of moves and Ballin', but Show lifts Miz's foot onto the ropes to break up the pinfall. This bring Henry around the ring, and the two big men brawl. That ends with Henry being tossed, manfully, through part of the ringside barrier. Ref gets distracted by that carnage, allowing Big Show to reach up and drop MVP with his KO Punch. Miz covers. It's over. Somehow, Miz is bleeding after the match (OMG FIRE HIM~!), but the medics opt to check on MVP, who is selling the knock-out. Call it 12-plus minutes, and the match of the night so far. Which isn't saying much. Hell, it's not saying anything.
   
  
• Chris Jericho wins the SmackDown Elimination Chamber Match for the World Heavyweight Title. Jericho, Rey, Morrison, and Undertaker enter first and are assigned pods. Taker's entrance was weird; it started out his usual slow saunter, with wide shots of the crowd/etc., and then all of a sudden, Taker was SPRINTING to the ring and yanking off his jacket. Did somebody paying closer attention notice if he got too close to his pyro, or something? By the time he got to the ring, he was composed and his normal self, so I'm assuming -- at worst -- he got a scare put into him.
   
  Then CM Punk makes his way to the ring, flanked by the SES (Serena even busted out a pretty dress for the formal ocassion), and in the mood to cut a promo. He promises that after he gets down with his five opponents, they will all wake up tomorrow in pain and agony, and then show themselves to be the weak-minded hypocrites they are by turning to pills and booze and.... then he gets interrupted by R-Truth, who cheerfully raps his way to the ring while prancing about. Cuz nothing says "Barbaric Chamber of Hellish Brutality" like getting the kiddies to sing along with "What's Up?"...
   
  So, Punk and Truth start. Truth may be just as jobberriffic as Sheamus/Kofi were in the RAW Chamber, but he's also very flippy. And also: the crowd would really like to see Punk get beat. So it's sort of interesting as they go back and forth for 4 minutes. Then Truth whiffs on a flippy kick and Punk nails the Go To Sleep for the first elim. Like I said: jobberriffic. Punk also has time to grab the mic again for some more promo work, imploring us all to raise our hands and accept CM Punk into our lives... that gets good heat until the 5 minute mark, when Rey Mysterio is released from his pod. Quick start for Rey, then Punk eases into a heel beatdown, where Rey is limited to cheap/wacky roll-ups and hope spots... Punk even rag-dolls Rey between the ring post and steel chamber structure, but Rey's spunky and keeps kicking out. Punk tries to set up a top rope GTS, but Rey counters it, and ranas Punk off onto the steel floor outside the ring. Rey tosses Punk back in, hits a springboard splash, and Punk's eliminated. Huh. Not how I'd have played it, but whatever.
   
  As Punk walks away, Jericho is un-podded and takes control of the match. Rey tried some spiderman action between the ropes and the chamber, but Jericho was having none of that, and Rey ate steel. Very methodical beatdown by Jericho, even including an Orton-esque chinlock. Rey counters by making his hope spots equally as rest-holdy: Rey tried a sleeper at one point... but it's 98% Jericho for this stretch, and he's even got the Walls locked in at the 15 minute mark, when Johnny Morrison is released. Morrison immediate attacks Jericho and breaks the hold. Huh, again. And again, not how I'd have played it. In that spot, don't you just let Rey tap out and thin the herd before going after Jericho? It ends up not mattering, though... after some back and forth with Jericho, Rey gets back in the mix, and Morrison just eliminates him himself: one Starship Pain is all it takes to send Rey packing. Jericho (wisely) lets it happen, but then pounces on Morrison, locking him in the Walls.
   
  Which leads us to the 20 minute mark, and Undertaker finally entering the match. Taker opts to make the save for Morrison and goes after Jericho... Jericho plays a magnificent chickenshit as he begs off, even attempting to hide in a pod. Taker destroys said pod, and Jericho with it, leaving Taker and Morrison to go at it for a bit... some back and forth, and here is the only time where the announcers bother off-hand mentioning Morrison's grievously injured ankle; the injury so bad, it forced him to forfeit two matches on SD the past two weeks, but has had pretty much zero effect on THIS match (methinks the Writer Monkeys are just making this crap up on the fly, instead of planning ahead much at all)... Jericho eventually gets back into the mix, but just a little bit, picking his spots, and then backing off to let nature take its course. And sure enough: Morrison's pinned after Taker flattens him with a chokeslam on the steel floor.
   
  Down to 2. Taker pulls the straps down, while Jericho tries to stall... actually Jericho led Taker into a trap, as Taker charged with a big boot into the corner, but ends up crotched on the turnbuckle. That sets up a big superplex on Taker for a convincing near fall. Taker then gets a rally, leading to a cool spot: attempted chokeslam, flip through it by Jericho, Walls attempted, Taker blocks, Hell's Gate attempted, countered by Jericho, and the Walls locked in. After a lengthy struggle, Taker rolls it over, and Jericho has to scurry away before getting trapped in an armbar. More back and forth. Tombstone attempted, but Jericho slides out the back door and hits the Codebreaker. Only a 2 count; whew, another convincing near fall. Jericho tries to follow-up with a mount-and-punch in the corner, but Taker digs deep and elevates Jericho in a Last Ride Powerbomb. But he can't immediately capitalize; by the time he makes a cover, Jericho is able to kick out at 2. But Taker's feeling it, now... slits the throat to indicate the end is nigh for Jericho, but then....
   
  WHAM~! Shawn Michaels has just popped up out of the chamber floor and super-kicked Taker into next week~!
   
  Jericho does his best Jack-Black-style "shifty eyes"/what-should-I-do? look as he glances between Taker and HBK. Jericho decides to pin Taker while keeping an eye on Shawn... Taker stays down for three, and we have a new champ. Jericho grabs his belt and cannot skeddadle out of that messy situation fast enough. He finally stops to enjoy the moment when safely at the top of the stage, all while Michaels closes out the show quietly standing over Undertaker's carcass. Up around 40 minutes, and easily the Match of the Night (I was even surprised by how much goodness Taker was able to bring for such an extended segment at the end), and in this case, that actually IS saying at least a little something.