I’m not too upset over it though. The way I’ve always figured, I have this “upper limit” of myself at 212, which I admit is a little arbitrary. Anything more than that, and I start getting unhappy and really start to figure out ways to lower it. At 207, I’m definitely overweight, but hardly to the point where I’m entirely unattractive. Really, all the weight is in my stomach: it’s that “bloat gut” effect that Matt Hardy has going. Er… a spare tire, I guess.

Whatever: I just don’t want it to get much worse, and I guess at this point dropping soda has done all it can. If I want to drop any more, I’m going to have to actually start—gasp—EXERCISING and counting calories! Stupid imperfect bodies…

Still, at least I’ve got a good teacher for that. My dad is to fitness and health as I am to videogames: it’s his hobby and primary interest, and he knows all about how to healthily lose weight and be trim without looking like you’ve stuck steroids directly into your muscle fibers. I hardly want to look like Batista: if I could just lose the stomach, I’d be happy. It’s common knowledge that muscle weighs more than fat, and I’m less concerned about the exact number as I am whether I look like a balloon. I just know that the way to a smaller stomach completely lies in my activity; gimmick diets and devices only last as long as the gimmick itself.

But this isn’t the Pyro’s Soapbox Hour (although that would make for a bitching Internet radio show): this is the Royal Rumble! I’ve got mini hot dogs and a magical drink provided to me by The Rick himself to get me through it! Hopefully my writing ability doesn’t suffer too badly, but as Cena said on RAW, half the fun is finding out!

Segment 1 [Singles Match for the ECW Title]: Christian defeats Ezekiel Jackson (w/ William Regal) by pin, and retains. Match was well above average. Nothing extremely special going on here, but it was pure power-against-technical formula. Both guys brought everything they had, and even Zeke convinced me that he’s ready for the ECW title, even though he didn’t get it tonight. Zeke did blow selling a reverse DDT, but I’ll give him a pass on that one, as it wasn’t really that blatant or bad.

William Regal was by ringside to start things off, and Christian hit the floor fairly early. Regal came over to do… something… but the ref caught him, then ejected him from ringside. Back to England for you, you limey bastard!

What really impressed me in this one was that Jackson busted out a few power-oriented submission moves that looked like they would actually hurt. Most power guys don’t bother, or the moves look weak like Chris F. Masters’s Full Nelson of Doom.

The match ended with the Killswitch OUT OF NOWHERE~!!!, but it took five attempts before he was able to pull it off without getting it reversed on him.

Segment 2: Theodore Long and Tiffany are talking in the office in the back, and Cryme Tyme appears. CT is there to bitch that only one member gets to go into the Rumble, and insist that they get in. T-Long says no, but CT says that they’ve got it covered: they’re going to trade with someone. Khali magically appears, and CT says that if they get his spot, he gets to kiss Tiffany.

Translator appears and puts a stop to that, and CT cries. T-Long says that they’re pathetic, coming in here… with their pants on the ground. Tiffany, T-Long, and Translator decide to start singing the “Pants on the Ground” song from American Idol, except they all sing different parts of the song over each other. Ugh. This makes CT cry further. I would too, guys.

That’s when Miz comes in for no reason to stop the party, saying that the song sucks and won’t be popular in five years. “You may as well as be asking who let the dogs out.” BURN! “But in five years, they will be talking about me, and my first-ever Royal Rumble win.”

T-Long says that he’s got the ball tonight, and this isn’t RAW. So even though Miz is in the Rumble, T-Long is booking a match—NEXT~!—for him to defend the title against MVP. Miz storms off, and Khali and Translator start singing Who Let the Dogs Out. Ugh.

Segment 3: Randy Orton is… uh… meditating(?) in the locker room, and Cody Rhodes finds him. Cody is here to assure Orton that he will be in Orton’s corner for the title match tonight, that Legacy is far more important than any of their individual careers.

Orton thanks him, but Rhodes looks around a bit. Orton is so totally sharp and gets that something is wrong, so Rhodes cops a squat and says that Ted DiBiase isn’t of the same mindset. He says that Ted has been so totally different since The Marine 2 came out, and has been talking about winning the Rumble and taking Orton’s title at WrestleMania. But don’t worry about that, buddy: I’ll be in your corner, and I’m all you need!

Cody leaves, and Orton puts on his concerned face.

Three segments in, and now, I’m off to prepare my drink. Woo hoo!

Segment 4 [Singles Match for the United States Title]: Miz defeats MVP by pin, and retains. Match was above average but nothing exceptional. No high spots. Match ended with some triple-reversey stuff ending in a small package.

After the match, Miz bitched out MVP, so MVP responded by doing the Playmaker. Crazily enough, the crowd booed the shit out of MVP. That’s rather shocking. After the assault, they re-announced that Miz won, and the crowd again booed, maybe 80/20 boos-to-cheers. Odd.

Segment 5: Big Show is WALKING~! and runs into Chris Jericho. Show hopes there is no hard feelings for saying Miz is a better partner. CJ says that he’s not jealous, but he is sad for Show thinking Miz is there. In the Rumble, CJ would so totally have Show’s back, and hopes he had the same, since Miz wouldn’t. Show responds that he would throw both of them out since it’s the RUMBLE~! and everyone is out for themselves!

R-Truth magically appears and said he would throw both of them out too. CJ laughs it off. Words are exchanged, nothing of consequence.

Segment 6: Orton is WALKING~! and runs into Ted DiBiase, who wishes him luck and that he’s got his back. Orton says he’s going to do this alone. Whatever, douche.

Segment 7 [Singles Match for the WWE Title]: Sheamus defeats Randy Orton by disqualification, and retains. Match was… well, it was watchable, but nothing special, and certainly nothing you wouldn’t see on RAW. The only odd thing was that the crowd was almost completely on Orton’s side, and even cheered the hell out of him.

The match ended when Cody jumped the barricade and hit Sheamus. The ref didn’t seem to see it at first, and just yelled at Cody to get the hell out. As he turned back around, Orton hit an RKO OUT OF NOWHERE~! and made the pin… but the ref called for the bell, and that was it.

Post-Segment 7: Cody got in the ring to explain himself, so Orton punched him. Ted came out of the back and pulled Orton off, but got punched too. Orton bitched the two of them out, giving Sheamus enough time to recover to then do his bicycle kick to lay Orton out. Ted and Cody looked at Orton’s corpse for a minute, but left without helping him.

Pre-Segment 8: As Michelle makes her entrance here, someone’s got a sign in the front row that reads “Even Quagmire won’t touch McCool!” BWA HA HA HA HA!

Oh god, Michelle is here to talk. She says absolutely nothing of value. Layla comes out in the fat suit again toward the end. Mickie hits the ring, beats the fuck out of Layla, then slides in the ring…

Segment 8 [Singles Match for the Women’s Title]: Mickie James squashes Michelle McCool (w/ Layla) by pin, and is the NEW Women’s Champion! Mickie ran in, made Michelle kick Layla, kicks Michelle, hits her spike DDT, and makes the pin.

Really? REALLY? A month of goddamn stupid shit leads to a ten-second match? Well, at least it’s over.

Post-Segment 8: All the face divas from both brands (including the crazy-hot Gail Kim… Man, I miss My Melina) hit the ring with a cake. Mickie does the honors, throwing the cake in Layla and Michelle’s faces. Woot?

Whatever. At least all this bullshit is over with.

Segment 9 [Singles Match for the World Heavyweight Title]: Undertaker defeats Rey Mysterio by pin, and retains. Match was above average. Taker got a rather dramatic bloody nose early; I’m just glad they didn’t stop the match or whatever for it.

Match didn’t feature anything insane, though the end was really slick. Started with Taker putting Rey up for the Last Ride. Rey slipped out then kicked Taker’s leg, setting him up for the 619. Rey hit it, then did a springboard dropkick follow up, setting Taker up for a second 619! Rey hit that too, then went for the West Coast Pop. Taker hopped up, caught Rey, lifted him higher (Taker’s arms were basically locked), and then hit the Last Ride. That was all she wrote.

The blood gave an interesting topic for the commentators, saying that Rey caused more damage to Taker than anyone else, which gives Rey massive credibility. The blood even gave a cool image as Taker did his victory taunt over Rey’s body.

Time for a second one (with a slight tweak)! Damn, these are good… Viva Rick’s Orange Russians! It’s like a cross between Vladimir Kozlov and Randy Orton, but tastes way better! [Ed. Note: You asked for foo-foo drinks, so just because I gave you one with citrus in it, don't go playing the Orton card on me, Nancy! Also: you're welcome.]

Segment 10: Shawn Michaels is in the locker room… and runs into Kane. Kane says that Shawn’s obsession with Taker is unhealthy. Kane basically tells Shawn to let it go, and leaves without further incident.

Triple H comes in and kinda gives a pep talk to Shawn. Shawn apologizes to Trips for insisting that he stand aside… Trips shakes his hand, accepts his apology, and starts to leave. But Shawn grabs his hand, says that his match with Taker at WrestleMania is “meant to be.” Trips clasps him on the shoulder and says that he totally knows it’ll happen… it’ll just happen a different way.

Segment 11 [Royal Rumble]: Okay, just like I did two years ago, I’m going do a “real-time recap” of this one. To do this one, I’m going to deviate from my standard format. I’m going to give you “All You Need To Know” in 90-second chunks, as you’ll soon see. If you’re the impatient type and don’t already know who won (I have a feeling Rick’s got the winner on the front page), then just scroll down to the bottom of the document. Otherwise, you’ll see a entrant-by-entrant recap of the match. Entries are bolded, but unlike two years ago, I won’t italicize eliminations.

And for you jackass smarks who think you’re better than the rest of us who take wrestling with a grain of salt: I’ll more than likely mark out here and there, which I refuse to apologize for. If you don’t like it, go read The Torch.

Entrants #1 and #2 are Mr. Ziggles and Evan Bourne, respectively. Decent action, although at point EB went for an elimination via a reverse headscissors… however, Ziggler took it like shit, and it just came off badly. Right before #3 comes out, EB hits the World’s Most Beautiful Shooting Star Press.

Entrant #3 is Jesus Punk (w/ Serena). He comes in, and within about five seconds, eliminates both guys. Serena hands him a mic, and he cuts a mini-promo while waiting for the clock to go. Heh.

Entrant #4 is JTG. JTG gets on a tear with a couple jumping clotheslines, and Punk gets to the corner. JTG jumps on him… and Punk throws him over the top rope. Serena slides him the mic, and continues his promo as he goes on. Goddamn, Punk’s chest is hairy. Wax much?

Entrant #5 is Khali (w/ Translator). Of note, Matt Striker calls Serena “Punk’s Mary Magdalene.” Rick is currently suing for gimmick infringement.

Anyway, Khali comes in, and Punk wants to save him. “Raise your right hand!” Khali does so… then Brain Chops him. Bwa ha ha ha!

Entrant #6 is… Beth Phoenix??? What the fuck? She and Khali stare each other down, then Khali gently picks her up and drops her over the top rope, but only onto the apron. Beth lures Khali over, then kisses him… and pulls him over the top rope as he leans into the kiss. BWA HA HA HA!

Beth beats the fuck out of Punk… then Punk gives her the Go To Sleep. Dick.

Entrant #7 is Zack Ryder. As he comes to the ring, Punk flings Beth over the top rope, and that’s it. Punk tries to save Zack too, or starts to, then smacks Zack in the head with the mic. After a few more punches, Punk flings Zack over the top rope. We see a close up and Punk is gushing some blood from around his tongue stud. Ew.

Punk gets back on the mic to bitch whoever is coming out next, since he’s so totally better than—

“Time to play the game.” Oh shit. It seems entrant #8 is Triple H. Poor, poor Punk… he’s about to be crucified! Some action ensues, nothing major, and we get to…

Entrant #9 is Drew McIntyre. He comes to the ring real slowly, smartly. Drew gets in eventually, and some action ensues… Then Trips goes for a Pedigree on Punk. Punk wiggles out and goes for the GTS. Trips catches his leg, then flings him over the top rope. Yay!

Entrant #10 is Ted DiBiase, who eats a clothesline immediately by Trips. That doesn’t last, as the heels start beating down on Trips together. Nothing else major happens until…

Entrant #11 is John Morrison, who helps even the sides and goes straight after DM. JM eventually hit a Starship Pain, but completely missed DM in the process.

Entrant #12 is Kane, whose entrance is always sudden and awesome in this type of match. Kane starts kicking everyone’s asses, even doing a double chokeslam to DM and JM. Kane doesn’t manage to eliminate anyone, however.

Entrant #13 is Cody Rhodes, who opens by saving DiBiase from being eliminated by Kane. They go straight after Kane, and quickly start controlling the faces. JM found himself on the apron, and went for a springboard double axe handle against Cody… but Cody met him in midair with an awesome dropkick. Damn!

Entrant #14 is MVP… but Miz comes from behind and kicks his ass with the US Title belt. MVP is left laying out on the ramp, but of course he’s not eliminated yet. Refs come and help MVP to the back… Hm, maybe he is gone?

Anyway, nothing happens in the ring, but we’re halfway through as entrant #15, Carlito, hits the ring. He went on a Backstabber roll, hitting Trips, Drew, and Ted all with his finisher. No eliminations, however.

Entrant #16 is Miz, though MVP is nowhere to be seen. Miz hits his finisher on JM immediately, then goes after Carlito. MVP hits the ring shortly thereafter, kicks Miz’s ass, then eliminates Miz and himself with a jumping diving clothesline. MVP and Miz continue throw punches even on the outside.

Entrant #17 is Matt Hardy, who gets a damn hot pop and wearing some damn awesome blue pants as he hits the ring. He kicks some ass, jumps on the rope, and is clotheslined off the turnbuckle to the floor by Kane. Thanks for playing, Matt!

…and then Trips takes Kane out with the clothesline over the top rope. Bye Kane!

Entrant #18 is Shawn Michaels. Here we go, baby… Shawn hits the ring, and is charged by Carlito, who back body drops Carlito over the top. After a few more seconds, he flings Cody Rhodes over the top… and then there goes Ted DiBiase! JM tries to do a corner springboard kick, but Shawn ducks the attack and flings him over the top.

Drew then starts doing a back forth with DX, and gets flung over the rope. DX is all that’s left right now, and they decide not to attack each other, as the countdown comes to…

Entrant #19 IS JOHN CENA!!! And business picks up, ladies and gentlemen! Cena takes them both down, then actually does a double Five Knuckle Shuffle. Heh. Cena goes for an FU on Shawn to eliminate him, but Trips makes the save! Trips follows up with a Pedigree…

And Shawn gives Trips Sweet Chin Music and eliminates him. Holy shit!

Entrant #20 is Shelton Benjamin, who goes on a tear and lays out Cena and Shawn. When SB goes for his Paydirt, Cena catches him, then flings him over the top rope.

Entrant #21 is Yoshi Tatsu, who hits the ring and beats the fuck out of both Cena and Shawn too. After a few blows, Cena goes for a clothesline on Yoshi. Something got fucked up and Yoshi doesn’t go over the rope, so Cena just picks him up and dumps him over the rope. Alrighty.

Back to Cena and Shawn only, who have a good bit of action. Both guys are wounded though, so they can’t manage to eliminate each other.

Entrant #22 is Big Show. Uh oh. Show goes on a tear, then picks up Shawn and starts to eliminate him. Cena sorta saves him, then gets Shawn up in the FU position and throws Shawn over the top… but Shawn skins the cat! Show comes over to finish the elimination, but Shawn gets his feet on Show’s neck and manages to save himself.

Entrant #23 is the Kool-Aid Man, I mean Mark Henry, who goes straight after Show while the faces remain down. Cena is the first to make a comeback, who manages to get some pressure on Mark. Mark even manages to give Show a scoop slam! Cena tries to show him up by doing an FU to MH, but just falls over.

Entrant #24 is Chris F. Masters, who beats the fuck out of Shawn, then tries the Masterlock on Show. Show manages to escape the hold and practically snapmares CFM over the top. MH and Shawn go to eliminate Show, but can’t…

Entrant #25 is R-Truth, who hauls ass to the ring, then eliminates both Show and Henry. Wow. We’re down to three for now, and Truth goes on a tear to start beating down both remaining faces. He starts to eliminate Shawn as…

Entrant #26 is Jack Swagger, who has the most ridiculously excited face expression ever. I guess he’s getting an apple pie afterwards and he wants to his reward? He hits the ring and stars kicking everyone’s ass, capping off with clothesline Shawn over the top rope… but Shawn barely catches himself with one arm! Goddamn, that was close.

Entrant #27 is Kofi Kingston, who also goes on a tear. Jack goes for a clothesline on Kofi, but Kofi catches himself and does a huracanrana to get Swagger up and over the top rope. Shortly thereafter, Kofi manages to get Truth over the top.

Entrant #28 is Chris Jericho. CJ goes right after Cena, keeping Superwigger flat on his back. That doesn’t last long, as Cena hits CJ with an FU, though he then eats a DDT by Shawn, who gets back on offense. He goes for a Sweet Chin Music on Jericho, but Kofi sorta saves him with a Trouble In Paradise. For his efforts, Cena eliminates Kofi with an FU, but Cena eats a Codebreaker.

Entrant #29 IS EDGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOLY FUCKING SHIT, he goes RIGHT AFTER everyone, hitting all three opponents with a Spear, then eliminates Jericho! Cena tries to save himself and hit an FU, but Edge wiggles out and hits a DDT.

Entrant #30 is Batista, meaning if you’re playing the OO’s OOfficial Royal Rumble game, the Final Five are Jericho, Cena, Shawn, Edge, and Bats… even though CJ is already gone. Bats goes on a bit of tear, but Shawn puts Bats down, and it’s between Shawn and Cena again.

Shawn goes on a tear in the Final Four, then starts to tune up the band. Cena’s the one who eats it… and so does Bats! Edge goes for a clothesline, and both go to the apron. On the apron, Shawn pulls off a Sweet Chin Music against Edge, kicking him back into the ring!

…And then Bats comes down and hits Shawn. Shawn heroically hangs on… but Bats does a follow up and finally knocks Shawn off the apron.

The ref tries to get Shawn to leave. Shawn has a nervous breakdown, and flings the ref out of the way, then slides in the ring. Another ref just pleads to have Shawn leave… and Shawn Superkicks him. Shawn then collapses on his ass and starts rocking back and forth. A third ref keeps his distance but finally convinces HBK to leave. Shawn heads up the ramp, but still can’t believe it. He’s in complete shock, cursing himself as he goes to the back.

The final three are Batista, John Cena, and Edge. Cena reverses a Batista Bomb, but wiggles out. He goes for an FU, but Bats wiggles out. Bats charges Cena against the ropes, but Cena drops down and takes the top rope with him, sending Bats flying out of the ring.

The final two are Edge and Cena. Edge goes for a Spear, but Cena counters with a kick. When Cena went for a follow up clothesline, Edge basically did Cena’s trick, sending Cena out of the ring.

The winner of the WWE Royal Rumble 2010 is EDGE!!! Wow. Just, wow.

Final Thoughts: Night was above average, but of course the Ruble itself was the draw. Edge winning the Rumble is just all kinds of unexpected awesomeness. We already sorta hoped he’d be here but didn’t entirely expect it, and the fact that we wins gives some really great story possibilities. Maybe he can go after Sheamus’s title (or whoever holds it) and switch to RAW? There are far worst things in the world than for Edge to play with Cena and Orton and Trips and Shawn!

The rest of the night was all right, nothing too crazy or exceptional, but still worth better than a typical SD or RAW. Taker/Rey got bonus points due to the blood, which (if WWE is smart) can use it as a very tiny plot device.

I’m drunk and blew my commentary during the night. At least I can type for now. Oh well… definitely worth the money! WOO!!!

Rating (out of 5): 4.25