But I DID watch the show, and so I figure the least I can do is tell you how it went. You can thank me later. Here are your quick-and-dirty results from the just-completed Hell in a Cell 2009 pay-per-view:

• Hi, Hello, and Welcome (and goodbye to uber-weenie George Grande) from Newark, NJ, proximate to the Wanker Capitols Of the World (NYC and Philly) for tonight's show. After an opening video package about the special-ness of The Cell (none of which will be exhibited tonight on our G-rated telecast, which only makes me wonder what kind of tards are driving the ship at Titan Tower when they're still unfairly raising our expectations AFTER we paid for the show; shouldn't this be the part where you start setting us up to be let down?), the RAW announcers welcome us, but then shoot it over to the SD announcers, who shoot it to a Punk/Taker video package, because our opener is...
   
  
• Undertaker beats CM Punk to win the World Heavyweight Title. For the record, condensing the Taker/Long storyline into a video package doesn't make it any less pathetic; usually, WWE's production monkeys can make lemonade out of lemons, but not here.... it's still every bit as awful in highlight form as it was in real-time. Why they opted to re-show it is beyond me.
   
  To start the match, Punk tries bravado, but gets immediately face-punched, so he re-tries chickenshit. Taker dominates an outside-the-ring brawl -- tossing Punk into the Cell repeatedly -- until about the 4 minute mark, when Punk low-dropkicks the ring steps into Taker's knee. As Punk begins an offensive, the crowd is WAY split; huh. Every "UN DER TAKE HER" chant is met by "SEE EM PUNK." Taker gets hope spots here and there, but can't sustain due to his knee being a mess thanks to Punk's assault. This seems to work, as the fans take a turn to the Dark Side by the 8 minute mark, when Taker tries a comeback.... the "yay/boo" bit is HEAVILY in favor of Taker, but he can't sustain the rally when Punk keeps kicking him the knee.
   
  Finally, Punk gets desperate, and tries to use a chair to beat Taker, but Taker counters that by kicking siad chair into Punk's face. Taker rally is briefly short-circuited when a one-legged Old School fails, but ultimately ends in a very convincing and clean chokeslam, then a tombstone, for the 3-count win. About 12 minutes, and still not even close to what I imagine these two could/should do on a PPV stage; the booking of Taker holding the strap is even more confounding... a match that underperforms (though it was definitely sound) combined with an outcome that defies all logic (a title match goes on early and it's NOT to "hide" an unsatisfying heel win?) does not put me in a good mood....
   
  
• John Morrison beats Dolph Ziggler to retain the IC Title. Out of the gates, these two do 5 minutes of mat wrestling, and it's by design (to showcase the fact that Dolph has an amateur background, but Johnny can "keep up")... problem is, it's slow and boring, and these two guys are essentially working a match like they're Rock vs. Austin, but the fans are treating it like Brooklyn Brawler vs. Barry Horowitz... NO SALE~!
   
  It takes 5 minutes to get to the first halfway-decent move of the match (a springboard dealy by Morrison), which is followed by a whiffed Starship Pain, and then Ziggler's heel beatdown. It's ANOTHER 5 minutes before the next remarkable move: a DDT/standing shooting star press by Morrison that leads to the first noteworthy near-fall of the match. From here, the pace is at a respectable level (finally) for the last portion of the match with some back and forth and more near falls. Final spot was Ziggler countering a Starship Pain with a slam-off-the-ropes, then Morrison countering Ziggler's neckbreaker thingie with an enzuigiri thingie, then Morrison hitting Starship Pain for the cleain win. Let's say about 15 minutes, and probably a notch better than the opener; and given that the babyface went over for the happy ending here, why WASN'T this the opener? Me confusey.
   
  
• Holy Shit: there are Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in the luxury box of the arena. They are guests of WWE. Then Grisham has to shoot it to a lengthy commercial for the Ninja Turtle video game. Because when you pay $50 for a show, you did so for the honor of seeing advertisements! Un. Be. Leivable. I just hope somebody in the highly valuable 12-17 demographic bought a videogame because of this!
   
  
• Mickie James beats Alicia Fox to retain the Diva Title. Nothing horrible here, but the crowd teetered on mutiny a few time. Basically a 6-minute RAW Special that was, for some reason, placed on PPV. Probably because Mickie needed a re-establishing feud/win after her recent brief bOObie-related absence.... Mickie wins clean by dodging an Axe Kick and hitting an implant DDT. Bleh.
   
  
• Big Show and Chris Jericho beat Rey Mysterio and Batista to retain the Unified Tag Titles. Rey celebrates his comeback by rocking a new remix of his entrance theme and a San Diego Charger's outfit, clearly indicating he's not the ONLY one who'd rather be watchign anything other than wrestling tonight. Rey starts off, and goes back and forth with Jericho for a bit, then tags in Batista (mild boos for him). Batista dominates, and Jericho actually becomes the Heel in Peril for 3-4 minutes as Batista and Rey tag in and out smoothly and control the match... finally, Jericho gets a tag to Show, and Rey opts to stay in the match and fight.
   
  Bad idea. Ragdoll act, headbutts, the whole nine, and it all looks like a million bucks. Rey is nearly counted out, but Show one-hand skull-palms him back into the ring. Whoa. Even the live crowd kinda oohhhh'd and ahhhhhh'd at that. Show puts some icing on the cake, and tags in Jericho, who promptly dicks it up by mixing preening with ass-kicking. When he gets cocky, however, he wastes time working on Rey's mask, which allows Rey the time he needs for a comeback and a big tag to Batista.... hot tag, house o' fire... a convincing nearfall for Batista after a spinebuster, but Sho reaches in from the floor and grabs Batista's ankle. The distraction is enough for Jericho to lurk and hit a Codebreaker. Rey breaks it up with a springboard tackle... both men down... 
   
  Both men get tags, so it's Rey v. Show, and Rey is en feugo. He's one a super-duper hot streak, even hitting two (619)'s, but he just can't keep Show down. Then, out of left field: KO Punch by Big Show. That's it. Three count, and champs retain. Call it 16-18 minutes, and just really solid. Four guys with unique strenghts, all put in position to play to those strengths, and it resulted in the best match of the night so far.
   
  
• Randy Orton beats John Cena to win the WWE Title. "Mixed reaction" would be generous, here; the crowd hates Cena to start... in fact, after a heel beat down to start, Orton goes for a hangman DDT on Cena (onto ring steps), and Cena gets booed out of the building for countering that, and starting a comeback. Hey, nobody ever accused New Jersey of having taste; Bon Jovi is entirely their fault.
   
  Cena's early match rally DID, however, result in my Lone Highlight of the Match: Cole was screaming his usual screams, but stopped himself mid-syllable, and opted to declare "TRADEMARK CENA~!" just to screw with us. Ahh, the 2009 Cole: it's quite a vintage. Cena's comeback (wacky tackle, wacky suplex, 5 knuckle shuffle) is shortlived enough, and Orton ends it by finally HITTING that hangman DDT he teased earlier. Thing is: 5 minutes later, and the fans remember that while booing Cena is fun, cheering Orton sucks, too. So they don't. I guess it's like paying $80 to see Bon Jovi, cuz you think "Wanted: Dead or Alive" or "You Give Love a Bad Name" would be fun to see, only to realize you're stuck with "It's My Life" and "Always." Heh. Either way: crowd not so likey Orton any more at this mid-match juncture....
   
  Orton beatdown ends with an FU out of nowhere, but it only gets 2.... Orton responds by eventually beginning chair-related offense, mostly targeting Cena's SURGICALLY RECONSTRUCTED~! neck... in true lethargic mantard fashion, Orton takes about 21 minutes to set up a chair-assisted kneedrop, but Cena dodges, and Orton eats chair... SSTF on Orton, who wiggles and kicks out, causing Cena to bump into the ref.... Cena re-applies the SSTF, and Orton taps out, but there's no ref... now CENA declares his eligibility for "Dumbest Man In This Match" by instantly releasing the hold and acting confused when there's no ref there calling for the bell. Oh lord. Cena goes to revive the ref, but by the time that's done, he turns around and walks into an RKO. But the ref is groggy and Hebnertized, so it only gets an extra slow 2-count.
   
  But then Orton ties Cena up int he ropes and locks on a choke. Then Orton relases the choke at random. Then Orton bootie-kicks Cena in the skull. Then Orton wins the title with a three-count. Whoa; did Cena just fail a drug test? Or maybe nail Stephanie? That's.... that's.... that's just incredible. And not in the good way. Not only is it just plain the wrong damned finish (Cena scores one bad rating, so we put the title back on the guy who's scored NOTHING BUT bad ratings when he's on top?), but it was a flat and anticlimactic finish to a match that was -- at best -- "serviceable." I mean, better than last month, but it almost had to be, didn't it? At 20 minutes, this fell comically short of all the pre-match promos about ultraviolence and supermanhood. It was just, you know?, a wrestling match.... not even a really memorable one. Just two guys who don't click not-clicking for the umpteenth time. Whee?
   
  
• Drew McIntyre beat R-Truth. So, ummmm, before they even did the match, they actually had a full video package of this "feud," and then an interview with R-Truth..... since when does Velocity get to have matches on PPV? Or: do you new fangled kids out there not even remember "Velocity"? If so, you'll DEFINITELY not get it when I declare that this REALLY WAS Brawler vs. Horowitz, and the fans just shat all over it from the get go. But that didn't stop McIntyre from trying a 90-second chinlock in the middle of the match. STEVE KIERN TOLD HIM SO! So after 5 minutes of "boring chants," and the subsequent dead silence because fans couldn't believe they actually paid to see d-grade matches on PPV, Drew wins with a double-underhook DDT. Plus 2 points for getting Drew McIntyre on PPV, minus several million for thinking this was an even remotely defensible idea.
   
• Backstage: Orton's all "Cameraman, zoom da crotch" (clearly, Orton's crotch is exempt from TV-G limitations so long as Bodybuilding Magazine Enthusiast Vince McMahon is bookgin things!)... then Rhodes/DiBiase show up and are all "Hey, we'll totally win too, and then we'll hit the town and celebrate".... and Orton's all "Oh, you silly lads, you don't know what you're in for, for even if you win HitC, you still lose; look at me: I had a match roughly as brutal as the one I had on Friday, but now I'm magically all bitter and injured!".... and Legacy is like "You grumpy old man, we're gonna win, and it's gonna be easy, so you start respecting us".... and I'm all like "Really? I'm supposed to give a shit about 3 douchebags arguing about which one(s) of them are bigger pussies?"...
   
  
• Kofi Kingston beat Jack Swagger and The Miz to retain the US Title. Miz does some pre-match mic work and steals my material: he references Conan O'Brien, and DEMANDS to be banned from Newark forever, as he doesn't ever want to be in this sewer again in his life. Due to Miz's thieving ways, I had to change gears and go with the above Bon Jovi riff, instead. Enjoy. And SUCK ON IT, Jersey....
   
  Match is exactly what you'd expect: competent, fast-paced, but forgettable, because nobody can see fit to concentrate long enough to give any one of these three a fair shake on RAW. Basic 3-way template of tenuous alliences and then 1-man powder-outs leading to 1-on-1 action for the first 4-5 mintues. Then End Game with all 3 guys, including finishers, near falls, and saves. After Swagger saves Kofi from Miz's full-nelson face-buster, Kofi rallies and beats Swagger cleanly with the Trouble in Paradise.
   
  Seriously, not more than 6-7 minutes, and because of that, hard to rate highly... but it was like the mirror image of Morrison/Ziggler (or Drew/Truth) in that these were three guys who spent what little time they got DOING MOVES TO GET NOTICED, rather than working a match that (falsely) presume people have already noticed and care about them. In so far as that goes, I appreciated the effort.
   
  
• Shawn Michaels and Triple H beat Cody Rhodes and Junior DiBiase in a Cell Match. Ring entraces started at 10:30pm, which seems late-ish for a quality main event.... but they had a method to the madness, as Legacy interrupted DX's entrance up on the stage, and a brawl immediately commenced all over ringside and on the staging area. HHH took the brunt of it, and was briefly KO'ed, leaving Legacy to corral Michaels into the Cell, and then lock it. The ref had no choice but to ring the bell and "officially" start the match, now that the Cell was shut.
   
  So it's 2-on-1, and it kinda works, since this makes Legacy believable to fans, and Michaels is -- of course -- the #1 Babyface In Peril, when he wants to be. Mix in HHH at ringside fuming impotently, and Legacy tuanting him, and it's a pretty good gig. The beatdown on Michaels hits a peak, as Legacy rams his face into the Cell, while HHH is inches away, but a world apart, watching the agony. A VERY "Wrath of Khan" moment, if you take my meaning. Upon seeing his best friend near-death, HHH gets a weird look on his face, and just leaves. Up the ramp and gone. Legacy taunts HBK more, saying now he's alone, and he's a-gonna get it.
   
  The beatdown continues, leading up to the attempted reprise of the double Figure Four/Million Dollar Dream combo from the last PPV. But Cody can't do his half, right, so it falls apart. Junior DiBiase improvs and hits a Dream Street Slam through a chair on Michaels JUST as HHH returns with bolt cutters to let himself into the cage and make the save. HHH, now super-fresh compared to Legacy, dominates.
   
  When a second ref shows up with a fresh chain to re-lock the Cell, HHH takes it way from him, and wraps it around his fist. He chainpunchs DiBiase, then tosses DiBiase out of the still-open Cell. THEN he uses the chain to re-lcok the Cell. So it's DX vs. Rhodes. You can see where this is headed. Serious beating, leading to a Pillmanization Macho Man Elbow by HBK. Then HHH grabs Sweet Lady Sledge. Then HBK starts tuning up the band. Then HHH joins in by tuning up the sledge. On 5, they both strike: simultaneous superkick/slege for Rhodes, and it's all over. When the cage lifts, and DiBiase comes to Rhodes' side, he eats a superkick and a Pedigree. PLAY DX's MUSIC!
   
  Somewhere around 22-24 minutes (I'm counting the pre-match brawl in that; so it's less if you want "official" time), and the only match of the night that came even close to using the Cell creatively or compellingly. Match of the Night, but on a night where that doesn't really mean much.