I'll leave it to you to decide whether it's for the better or the worse... here are your results from the just-completed SummerSlam 2009 pay-per-view:

• Opening Theme/Pyro/Etc... and we're live from Los Angeles. Instead of the usual overwrought opening video package, DX "hijacked" the opening sequence by making hand-puppet shadows and then "breaking" the video playback, leaving Shawn Michaels and Triple H to awkwardly apologize and eventually walk off screen, content that fans "got the message" that  they're back. Goofy, but a fun and unusual twist on business as usual.
   
  
• Rey Mysterio beat Dolph Ziggler to retain the InterContinental Title. A hot start for Rey, but then, after Ziggler took over, they did things WAY differently than their match last month. Rather than a methodical heel beatdown, Ziggler kept his offense quick and strike-y rather than resthold-y. And they had almost nonstop Mysterio Hope Spots peppered in to keep the pace up. Just an absolute quantum leap from last month's match, with the crowd heat to prove it. After 8 solid minutes, they traded a bunch of very convincing counters and near falls: the two biggest were Rey kicking out of Ziggler's running FameAsser, and Ziggler dodging a West Coast Pop after taking the (619). Finish was Ziggler trying to hit an Atomic Gutbuster from the top rope, but Rey reversed into a top rope hurricarana, hooked both legs, and got the win. Crowd pleasing 10 minute opener, with the story (according to Jim Ross) being that Ziggler inched even closer to winning the IC Title in his 2nd attempt.
   
  
• MVP beat Jack Swagger. They did a quick bit of pre-match mic work ("You're a convict" vs. "You're a pampered jock") to try to get the fans to give a shit. It didn't really work. Paint-by-numbers affair, where Swagger controlled the middle portion of the match with a focus on MVP's lower back (including the ever-exciting Abominable Stretch), then MVP with the comeback, Ballin', counters Swagger's double-jump Vader Bomb, hits the Playmaker. Fin. Bleh. It was 6-8 minutes of purest TV Special, and had no place on PPV.
   
  
• Waste of Time. They ran a video package of all of RAW's Guest Hosts so far, putting the concept over as The Single Greatest Showcase of D-List Celebrities. Or something. Then the lady from Access Hollywood interviewed Freddie Prinze Jr. in front of the audience. How retarded was this and how big a miscalculation was this? The crowd booed the shit out of the Access Hollywood lady when she talked about her mom dying from Lou Gehrig's Disease and how she has a charity to fight said illness. Take a note, WWE: when you make 15,000 people boo charity, you're doing something really wrong. And the inexcusible thing is that any halfway sentient houseplant could have told you the crowd would react that way, and YOU DID IT ANYWAY. So dumb.
   
  
• Chris Jericho and Big Show beat Cryme Tyme to retain the Unified Tag Titles. JeriShow had yet another updated version of their mashed-up entrance theme, and it still sucked and sounded like something a mildly-retarded would-be DJ might create if given two cassette tapes and scotch tape. Match was quite solid. Jericho and JTG gets us off to a hot start, then Show comes in and turns JTG into the mini-face-in-peril for a few minutes. Faux hot tag to Big Shad, who gets a few shots in before becoming the REAL Face in Peril for about five minutes. Spot-on execution of The Tag Team Formula, as JTG then gets the real hot tag and has a KILLER house o' fire segment with some creative moves and a near fall that had the live crowd convinced Cryme Tyme would win. They didn't. Jericho rallied, and locked JTG in The Walls. JTG battled valiantly and got to the ropes. The ref got preoccupied pulling Jericho away, allowing Big Show the opening to blast JTG with his KO Punch. Jericho yanked JTG back into the middle of the ring and pinned him. Nothing fancy, but also 12 minutes worth of nothing to complain about.
   
  
• Backstage: CM Punk cuts another sweet promo, this time eschewing the talk of drugs and booze in order to castigate America (and specifically, the LA audience) for a different addiction: the addiction to pop culture retardation. He rips on single mothers who waste time and money subscribing to magazines that will teach them how to have the same hairstyle as a famous actress, all while ignoring her children. He rips on shallow people obsessed with looks and plastic surgery. He rips on "celebrities" who are famous for being famous, and not for contributing anything to society. And finally: he rips on a would-be writer who he met earlier in the weekend, and who said he had written a movie script for "The Jeff Hardy Story." Punk said that's all well and good, but that Punk's gonna take himself a co-writer credit by rewriting the ending tonight. And further warns that his new ending will be graphic, uncomfortable to watch, and not for the faint of heart, as he destroys Jeff Hardy en route to becoming OUR new World Champion. Excellent stuff.
   
  
• Kane beat The [redacted] Khali. Just awful; Khali looked even worse than usual. We're talking Andre-in-1989 bad. And yet, they lumbered around for 5-6 minutes before the finish: Kane grabbed Khali's "little brother" (his translater), treating her like Miss Elizabeth and causing Khali to get as distracted as George "the Animal" Steele. Then Kane hit a single leaping DDT for the pinfall. The crowd cheered for this. Despite the fact that Kane was the hell here.
   
  
• Triple H and Shawn Michaels beat Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes. New remix/pyro for DX's entrance (complete with mincing Musical Theatre students in camo, shooting off cap guns to set up DX's arrival on a tank), which ended up taking about 10 minutes by the time we finally got to the "And if you're not down with that, we got two words for ya" punchline. Then Legacy entered, and we're off. Basic story was Legacy being all full of themselves, but backing it up in the early stages. Rhodes even bitch-slapped HBK (while he was on the apron) a few times to milk the crowd heat for Michaels' first tag in. Once Michaels DID tag in, though, the story remained the same: Legacy controlled things, with Michael Cole doing a REALLY obnoxious and ham-handed oversell of "Oh my god, Legacy is owning DX, this is the greatest showing ever."
   
  Michaels did a mini-face-in-peril first, then HHH did the real FiP bit, and I swear the crowd was hotter for JeriShow/Cryme Tyme than for the first 10 minutes of this methodical Legacy showcase (which just made Cole's overselling of Legacy's awesomeness ring even more false). Once HHH hit a big tag to HBK, however, the second half of the match hit a very respectable cruising gear, as DX had more offense, and the pace picked up. A lot more back and forth for about 5 minutes, and then things broke down into a Pier Four Brawl... in the chaos, HHH hit a Pedigree on Rhodes while DiBiase hit Dream Street on Michaels. Rhodes and Michaels were the legal men, and both were down. Ref applied the double count. Both guys up at 9. A little double-reverse-y, and Michaels hit the Sweet Chin Music out of left field for the clean pinfall win. Crowd loves it, and the second half of the match was pretty fun. Still, the opening half was tres weak due to Legacy's flamboyant cookie-cutter mediocrity, no matter how badly Michael Cole wants to be the meat in a Legacy ManSandwich based on his jock-a-riffic commentary. If it's me, I'd have shaved about 5 minutes off this one (and taken Cole down 5 notches), and it'd have been just about pitch-perfect for what it needed to be.
   
  
• Christian beat William Regal to retain the ECW Title. Regal was flanked by his new associates in the Multi-Racial Bad Motherfuckers stable: Zeke Jackson and Vlad Kozlov. Uh oh, maybe Christian's in trouble. Except: nope. Regal was primping and preening and posturing, and when the bell rang, he hadn't yet removed his swanky velvet robe. So he turned to disrobe, and Christian just swooped in and hit the Killswitch. Christian wins in 5 seconds flat. But Regal's displeased. And Regal had back-up. So Vlad and Zeke pass Christian around like Ryan Seacrest at Elton John's birthday party for a bit, and then Regal locks in the Regal Stretch to underscore his displeasure. Christian's the winner, but just got his ass handed to him by ECW's newest bad-ass faction. Interesting.
   
  
• Randy Orton beat John Cena to retain the WWE Title. Crowd was in total Mixed Reaction Mode, here... only the teenage girls appeared to be on Cena's side, and LA being The Home Of The Douchebag, Orton actually had some fan support among the shallow and mentally enfeebled citizens of Southern California. Nothing unusual about that, I guess (the fans had actually already turned against Khali to cheer Kane, and even Ziggler had two or three dozen fans), and also nothing unusual about the resulting contest: these two Practioners Of Adequacy went through their usual motions, and let the mutinous crowd responses pass for "the drama."
   
  Until, that is, about the 15 minute mark, when things just got absurd. After Cena started his standard Superman Comeback, Orton just popped up after a slam, no sold it, and shoved the referee to get himelf DQ'ed. Hokay. Cena wins, but Orton retains the title is the first announcement. The Lilian backtracks and says she's just been informed (via telepathy?) that Vince McMahon is ordering a re-start to this match, and this time, the title CAN change hands on a DQ.
   
  Orton is frustrated, but gets back int he ring. A little back and forth. But when Cena keeps kicking out at 1, Orton decides he's had enough, and walks out. Despite the fact that the "story" here is that Cena's so tough and reslient that Orton can't keep him down, NOW is when Cena inexplicably decides to remain in a crumbled heap in the middle of the ring while Orton gets counted out. Again, Cena wins but Orton retains. And again Lilian gets a telepathic message from Vince that the matchw ill restart, and this time, the title CAN change hands on a count-out.
   
  Orton comes back to the ring, and after a bit more back-and-forth, rolls Cena up with a schoolboy, and puts his feet on the ropes for illegal leverage and scores the pinfall. Until a second ref comes out and explains things to the assigned ref, and again the match restarts. Jesus.
   
  Orton again comes back to the ring, and THIS time, he quickly finds himself locked in the SSTF, and about to tap out. Until, that is, a "fan" comes into the ring and pounces on the ref. Security takes the "fan" away (and the cameras show it, unlike every other time in history when there's real fan interference), while Orton hides outside the ring. Once order is restored, Cena goes to yank Orton up int the ring, but gets hangman'd instead. Then Orton (suddenly unaffected by the STF he'd nearly tapped out to 30 seconds prior) leaps into the ring and hits an RKO. One. Two. Three. Orton retains, and this time, did it "legally." This decision stands. About 25 minutes, and the last 10 were just.... I dunno... just the most ridiculously overbooked trainwreck I've ever seen. Horrifying, and yet, you couldn't look away.
   
  I'm sure the "story" here will be that Orton was all Smart And Calculating for having so many different ploys to retain his title on the FOURTH decision of the match.... but it sure as fuck falls flat with me, seeing as how this alleged "smartness" comes as part of the absolute dumbest and continuity-free insanibooking I've ever seen. Just absurd. That's really the only word I can think of to apply here. Not good, not bad. Just absurd.
   
  Whatever monkey (or crew of monkeys) came up with this booking not only needs to report to grade school for a refresher on basic logic and psychology, but could also use a lecture from CM Punk about cocaine use. Because this spazzy, hyperactive display was nothing short of Stupid On Crack. If the goal was to generate about 10 minutes worth of intensely visceral "what the fuck?" type responses from the crowd (and from me, for that matter), then Mission Accomplished. If the goal was to do a match that'll fit into a compelling and sensible storyline or have any shred of "re-watchability," then Mission Failed. So very, very failed.
   
  
• CM Punk beat Jeff Hardy in a TLC Match to become the new World Heavyweight Champion. Per my usual, there's zero chance of getting sustained play-by-play out of me on what amounts to a non-stop highspot-fest. Not only do I lack the ability to accurately remember/recount all of them, but they wouldn't sound half-as-cool in the written word as they were to watch.
   
  So let's just speak in generalities, here, and point out that this was NOT at all like the most recent Jeff/Edge ladder match, where they were still inventing tons of crazy new innovative spots. This was much more straight-forward and simplistic -- like the ladder matches Benoit tended to have -- with the focus not on originality, but on brutality. Just nonstop steel-on-flesh, be it landing awkwardly on ladders or taking unprotected chairshots or what have you. Stiff and intense and 100% cringe-worthy from start to finish.
   
  If there was a psychological "hook" to the match, it'd be that Hardy was a wounded man almost from the get-go, with his lower back a wreck due to a combination of his own missed spots (like flying through a table when Punk dodged him, or attempting a Swanton and meeting up with Punk's knees instead) and Punk's successful spots (including a really sick-looking top rope superplex onto a ladder).
   
  This theme played directly into the finish of the match, as Jeff rallied strong and decided to hit one last signature spot, despite his wounds: he laid Punk out on a commentary table, then got a super-ginormous mega-ladder, climbed 25 feet into the air, and nailed Punk with a picture perfect (but batshit insane) Mega-Swanton. Tons of replays. Announcers were silent. Crowd was not (opting for "Holy Shit" chanting). And perhaps not unexpectedly, even after nailing the incredible move, it's HARDY who was worse for wear...
   
  In fact, Hardy was getting placed on a stretcher when he noticed Punk in the ring, preparing to ascend a ladder... Hardy shoved the EMTs away, and got in the ring with Punk for one last sequence. They eventually both ended up on top of the ladder, and Punk finally got the better of it, sending Jeff crashing down to the mat. This time, there was no chance of Jeff recovering in time, and Punk grabbed the belt from above the ring, and was announced as the new champ. Very good (but not quite great) 20 minute fight.
   
  
• After the Match: Punk decided to celebrate by standing over Jeff's carcass and posing with his new championship belt. The lights flickered once, ominously, and Punk seemed suspicious for a moment before resuming his celebration. Then: a familiar bell tolls. The lights go out for 5 seconds. And when they come back on, Jeff Hardy is gone, and Punk is standing over...
   
  The Undertaker.
   
  Punk looks down and has about 2 nanoseconds to register pants-crapping terror before Taker hits a Zombie Sit-Up and grabs Punk by the throat. One chokeslam later, and the new champ is KO'ed, while Taker ends the show posing while his music plays. Not too shabby. If nothing else, that's probably just about the coolest "Gay Spooky" bit of supernatural nonsense we've seen out of Taker in for ever. Certainly it sets Punk up nicely for a brand new feud: just when he thinks he's rid the world of one make-up-wearing weirdo, he's suddenly got another one to deal with.