No sir... this isn't a show for THOSE kinds of people. This is a show for the intelligent and dicriminating individuals, ones who have a handle on basic priorities and are not slaves to the lowest-common-denominator pop culture media! It's not "Great," and it's SURE not "American." It's just THE BASH.
 
For those of you detecting the sarcasm: congratulations. Also, to quickly explain, I have no real, actionable dislike of Michael Jackson or anything like that. I merely recognize his faults and foibles along with his accomplishments (both are truly epic), and as a result have developed a sudden real and actionable dislike of the coverage of his death. Honest to god: when I heard about the news, I checked on Yahoo, and the article there -- allegedly written by a Paid Professional And Highly Trained Journalist -- contained the quote, "In Times Square, longtime fan Glovey McMoonwalker, age 38, said that he'll always remember where he was when he heard about Jackson's death, and compared it to the day Kennedy was assassinated."
 
OK: so that's not a quote, but only because I didn't really dedicate the tard's name to memory. But the rest is basically word-for-word and made me die on the inside. Read closely: Prancy McBoytoucher, age 38, WASN'T EVEN BORN when Kennedy died and his comparison IS LAUGHABLE IN EVERY WAY. At least, unless he time travelled back to 1963, saved Kennedy from BEING MURDERED IN BROAD DAYLIGHT WHILE AT THE PEAK OF HIS POWERS AS THE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD, and then Kennedy re-died for real after divorcing his wife, sleeping with children, and then dying quietly of his own "personal demons" some 20 years after the last time he contributed to society and turned into a punchline. If Druggy McIWouldProbablyStillBoneHisSister is living in THAT world, then he might be right. But otherwise: nope. Maybe Elvis is a good comp for Jackson. But not JFK. Not even goddamned half-way vaguely remotely close.
 
I digress. And also, I'm probably sensitive to this issue because I still remember my dipshitted teenage self flying off the handle and posting something on the Usenet the day Cobain died, and can't comprehend how people getting paid to put this in perspective are doing it so drama-queen-ish-ly. I at least had the sense to be retroactively ashamed. And also: I had an excuse, since I wasn't THIRTY-FUCKING-EIGHT YEARS OLD when I lost track of reality and overstated my feelings in public, and I didn't say it to an allegedly-sensible AP JOURNALIST who'd somehow decide I was ever-so-poignant. Also also: Cobain was still on tour and just 4 months removed from performing the Greatest Unplugged Ever; not 20 years removed from relevence. Also also also: everybody knows it was all really Courtney Love's fault, anyway. But mostly: I was just young and stupid and should be forgiven, unlike 40-year-old wienerboys and the journalists who facilitate them.
 
Anyway, that's my piece on El Jefe los Pop... and now, we can Beat It right back to the issue of tonight's Totally Foreign-Friendly PPV, where I think WWE just re-underscored the ridiculous Black And White divergence in quality between SmackDown and RAW. The former not only stole the show from the perspective of entertainment/match quality, but then -- in the night's biggest Thriller -- SD also decided to be kind and Give In To its struggling little brother. WWE took two of The New SmackDown Six, and handed them the Unified Tag Titles. Which now means that Edge and Chris Jericho can show up on any brand. A get-off-your-couch-and-Scream moment, to be sure. Neato. By default, that means RAW just got a little bit less Bad. Nice move, WWE. Bravo. BILLIE JEAN~? WEIRD AL~! [OK, *now* I've said my piece. Honest.]
 
Too bad there's not much else super-awesome to talk about from The Bash. Here are the rest of your quick-and-dirty results from the just-completed WWE Bash 2009 pay-per-view:

• Tommy Dreamer retained the ECW Title in a Five-Man Scramble (also involving Christian, Jack Swagger, Finlay, and Mark Henry). After debuting last year, the Scramble match is back again, and is also fun again. For those unclear: the rules are two men start, and the others follow at 5-minute intervals, and after all five-men are in, there's a final 5-minute period. All pinfalls/submissions during that time frame count, but only the man with the LAST pinfall in the 20-minute contest leaves as the Champ. Tonight, Christian and Swagger started out; good action, as those two have gotten really comfortable working with each other since February. No decisions in the first 5. Finlay is out next. Interesting dynamic here, as Swagger's Pure Heel, Finlay is Freshly Turned Mostly-Heel, and Christian's Babyface-but-Prickly (due to his interactions with Dreamer). So they mix it up in a few different iterations, leading up to Swagger getting a pinfall on Finlay (clean, with his finisher). Dreamer out next at the 10 minute mark, and it's MORE mixing-it-up as described above, with no real allegiences and all combinations being plausible. In this mash-up, Finlay scores a pinfall over Swagger (clean, with the Celtic Cross). Then the last man, Mark Henry is out at the 15 minute mark, and there's a nice big schmozz that results in Henry getting a cheap-ish pinfall over Dreamer after everybody else was hitting moves and powdering out.
   
  Now, we're down to 3 minutes left on the clock, and whoever holds the belt at the end is the Recognized ECW Champ. Again, it's crazy big-move-and-powder-out action, and Swagger hits his Vader Bomb on Henry for a pinfall. Finlay and Dreamer get in the ring and decimate the scraps of Mark Henry, leaving Christian to hit the Killswitch on Swagger. But Dreamer gets in the ring, boots Christian, and then makes the cover on Swagger himself to take the title with 1 minute to go. Chaotic action to finish, with a messy Pile-Up-On-Dreamer right at the end, but nobody can get the clean pinfall, and time expires. Dreamer retains. Kinda sloppy at the finish and didn't have the same dramatic End Game as some of the Scramble Matches last fall, but still a pretty solid 20-minute opener.
   
  
• Backstage: Edge confronts SD General Manager Teddy Long, saying that it's a travesty he's been left off the PPV, and that since Long is already "on probation" with Vince McMahon, he better do the smart thing and put Edge onto the PPV where he belongs. Teddy's unconvinced, and Edge storms out.
   
  
• Rey Mysterio defeats Chris Jericho to win the Intercontinental Title (if Mysterio had lost, he'd give up his Mask forever). No pre-match antics like the past two PPVs (where Jericho did the "you can't (619) me" bit and then did the entrance-through-the-crowd), but they also weren't necessary, as the crowd was smoking hot for this after 2 months of quality build up and drama. So they milked it and went slow/feeling-it-out to start, until the first highspot of the match where Jericho rag-dolled Rey into the ring barricade. From there, a standard heel beatdown, with Jericho really playing the bully, and the crowd really getting behind Rey, and the announcers really selling the "Rey's so tiny" underdog/sympathy card. When Rey mounted his genuine comeback at about the 12 minute mark, he was on fire, and hitting high-flying spots we haven't seen since his WCW days (double spring-board-y and all kinds of top-rope-to-the-floor dives). Once Rey got back in the game, it was back and forth for the last 3-4 minutes with some quality near-falls and teases. It all led up to Rey getting caught in mid-air with the (increasingly common) Atomic Codebreaker, but Jericho only got a 2 count off of it, and "got frustrated." So he went for Rey's mask, and successfully pulled it off...
   
  Except: Rey had a tiny SECOND MASK on underneath (think Sable's painted-on nipple covers underneath her normal swimwear in whatever ancient Bikini Contest that was, if you need a mental touchstone to compare with), and instead of freaking out like he did at the last PPV when Jericho got the mask, Rey just kept on wrestling. And Jericho gloated with the mask, thinking he'd done it again. Result? A (619), a springboard splash, and a win for Mysterio. Not too shabby. Still not the "epic" I'm waiting for, but certainly on par with past contests between the two (this time, the lack of a specific gimmicky "hook" like Jericho set up the past two times was replaced by the overall backstory and buy-in from fans; also, rey busting out old school high flying didn't hurt). That's 16-18 minutes I'll never complain about.
   
  
• Backstage: after a shitload of inexcusable time-wasting video packages (including 5 goddamned minutes about Trump), we're finally back in Teddy Long's office, where Jericho storms in and demands an IMMEDIATE rematch for his title. Teddy is no more impressed by this display than he was by Edge's, and Jericho storms out.
   
  
• Dolph Ziggler beat the [redacted] Khali in a No DQ/No Count-out Match. The story here is that Ziggler has been doing to Khali what Miz is doing to Cena on RAW (stealing cheap wins by DQ and CO). Except: Ziggler's not half-as-entertaining as Miz, and Khali's not one-one-hundredth as over as Cena, so the whole thing kinda sucks. Match was craptacular for about 5 minutes, then just as Khali was ready to win, Kane returned from his mini-hiatus (ironically, he was doing a promotional tour for WWE in Khali's home country) to beat the piss out of Khali with a chair. Then Ziggler made the cheap pin. And nobody gave a shit. Sorry Glen Jacobs: once again, the Writer Monkeys have handed you a turd, my good man.
   
  
• Backstage: Teddy Long is now meeting with Vince McMahon, the pompous assface who put him "on probation" last week. Vince fakes being nice for about 10 seconds, and then starts explaining how Teddy is boring and unimaginative and his show sucks, so he better do something interesting if he wants to keep his job. Vince storms out, and Edge/Jericho storm back in to rub this in Teddy's face. So to "be interesting," Teddy decides if both of them are so itchy to fight tonight, and to fight in title matches, he'll put them together and add them to the Unified Tag Title Match. Interesting, indeed....
   
  
• Edge and Chris Jericho win a Triple Threat Match for the Unified Tag Titles (including the Colons and Legacy's Rhodes/DiBiase). When the announcement went down, both the Colons and Legacy were mega-pissed about having a "super-team" added to the match, when they were expecting a straight-up contest. So they turned the basic story of the match into the Colons and Legacy purposely fighting each other while never allowing Edge/Jericho to tag in. This is a nice bit of psychology, but due to the basic suckiness of Rhodes and DiBiase (well, mostly Rhodes), the action was lacking and this didn't seem to connect to the live audience (who didn't have the benefit of the announcers and the "psychology"). Finally, at about the 8 minute mark, the Colons made their big babyface comeback, and Carlito was dominating Rhodes.... Carlito set up for the Backstabber, but while he was waiting, Rhodes stumbled into the corner where Edge tagged HIMSELF into the match. Rhodes then stumbled into the Backstabber, while Jericho took it upon himself to take out Primo and Teddy Junior... when the ref wouldn't count the fall, Carlito was confused. And that's when Edge hit the Spear, and the ref DID count that one. New champs.  
   
  Match was a mildly-below-average "TV Special" (kinda disappointing given that you had 4 guys as good as the Colons/Edge/Jericho are), but the BOOKING was inspired. Not just for the by-the-numbers "Long Saving His Job" part, but because this title change means Edge and Jericho can now show up on ANY brand they want. And as horrifyingly lame as RAW has been lately, how cool is it that WWE just went and booked a match that now allows their two absolute best all-around performers to pull double duty? Love it.
   
  
• Backstage: Randy Orton is dumbing it up on his cellphone (OMG, did RKO tweet?? 2Cool!!! LOL WTF TXT!!!) when Rhodes/Orton walk in. Orton immediately tells them to quit complaining, because the important thing is the WWE Title, not the tag titles. DiBiase leads the verbal charge, telling Randall he's a dickhole, and that the tag titles ARE important, and he couldn't care less about Ted/Cody. Orton has no retort, so now it's Ted/Cody's turn to storm out. Will they return to help their DoucheMaster Supreme later on tonight or not? NOBODY CARES~!
   
  
• Michelle McCool beats Melina to win the WWE Women's Title. Nothing to see here... the once proud Women's Title (the one of Moolah and Stratus and Molly and even Lita) is now on SD, and Gail Kim's not even involved. TRAVESTY~! They didn't quite get on track, and the dead crowd wasn't helping much, and it basically all just led up to a moment of interference by Alicia Fox (McCool's new lackey, essentially, like Rosa is for Beth Phoenix), allowing Michelle to rally and hit the Styles Clash (or, "Faithbreaker") for the win. Lone highlight: my lord is Melina all flexible and bendy, and McCool invented a new Triple Octopus Cloverleaf Dragonlock to prove it; you can just tell the other ladies love coming up with ideas for how to use that (not as much as PyroFalkon enjoys coming up with his own ideas, but still...). Not an awful match, by any means, but not the way I'd go about featuring the women on PPV if I had any say. Then again: I don't have any say, and you can tell just by looking at the roster. Well, except for the part where they just fired Titties McSuperbowl out of left field. THAT, I endorse.
   
  
• Jeff Hardy beat CM Punk by Disqualification, but Punk retains the Heavyweight Title as a result. Though it's unclear if Hardy will continue being seamlessly employed by WWE after the next PPV (or if he'll take a vacation and eventually sign a new contract), they certainly did play this as a "Chapter One Of A Longer Story" Match. Very slow and feeling-out to start, but not uninteresting, as the crowd was very much alive, and Punk was very much into doing the non-verbal/body-language things that make him such a tremendously slappable little bitch. If anybody didn't hear that Punk turned heel on Friday night, they sure figured it out fast tonight. And I'm not talking cheap/over-the-top heelish stuff, either; just the kind of understated and cocky mannerisms that can nudge a guy from "confident" to "asshole." Excellent. But anyway, not much I remember, action-wise, from the first 8-10 minutes, but they were laying the groundwork for the finish (and for future matches), which is cool. First time I  perked up was for a near-count-out (where Punk was just lounging in the corner, gesturing that the ref should just go count and he'll stay here and be perfectly fine with the cheap win; nice), then Hardy got back in at 9, and it heated up.
   
  A few near falls and then Hardy's obligatory babyface rally, leading into a bit of back and forth. Punk is all about the strikes, and Hardy is all about the all-or-nothing highspots (and sneaky reversals, twice turning Go To Sleep attempts into small packages). Finally Hardy hits the Swanton, and covers. Ref counts One. Two. Three. Hardy begins celebrating, even as the ref waives off the pinfall: Punk's foot was under the ropes on the third count. This match must continue. Gotta love a good Dusty Finish!
   
  Hardy sulks and complains to the ref for about 90 seconds, allowing Punk to partially recover. Hardy, still playing the role of the Mild Retard, actually gives Punk the benefit of the doubt (doesn't he know a heel turn when he sees it? or is he just incapable of detecting the dripping sarcasm Punk was displaying on Friday as he did a promo with Jeff and acted all nice and sportsmanship-like?), and lets him get back to his feet before attacking anew. Bad idea, Jeffrey: because as soon as Jeff attacks anew, there's a few blows traded in a corner, and Punk starts holding his eye, as if he has been inadvertantly poked/raked. Jeff again steps back and lets the ref check Punk. Still "holding his eye" and "acting blind," Punk proceeds to just boot the ref in the head. Hardy is dumbfounded, and the ref eventually regains his senses enough to call for the bell. Punk is DQ'ed for his kick, Hardy wins, but Punk retains the title. BOO~! Or should I say "Bull-shit! Bull-shit! Bull-shit!" which is what the infuriated live audience chanted? Heh.
   
  Postmatch, Punk keeps selling the eye and the idea that maybe he didn't really know who he was kicking, but is doign it with a pitch-perfect smug look on his face that suggests this was no accident. Kind of lacking, action-wise, versus my expectation level, but zero complaints on the story side. A solid 20 minutes here. And honestly, how many times does Punk have to turn heel -- and turn heel in maginifcently bastardly fashion -- before Hardy gets it? Definitely fun in a "Sting vs. the Horsemen" kind of way.
   
  
• Another giant waste of time: some more packages/videos that just have no place on a show that I paid for. Is this my punishment for getting RAW with no commericals last week, and NOW you're shoving the horseshit back in my face when I CAN'T fast-forward? The night's second  6-8 minute crotch-kick-able series of offenses. Chief among them this time: hype for not one, but TWO, shitty bands who supplied not only the "official" theme music for the Bash PPV, but also supply Randy Orton's entrance song, AND played a free concert in the parking lot before the show. So riddle me this: if these weenisses supplied the recognized/announced Theme Music for The Bash, then how come EVERY SINGLE BREAK and several of the video packages featured Kelly Clarkson's "Love Monkey" as the theme song, instead? And then, for bonus points, riddle me this: why do I, a noted whiskey drinking asshole rocker, know an unreleased album track by Kelly Clarkson? And furthermore: why do I like it enough to have saved a youtube of her doing it live and in concert on my hard drive? Winning answers to these brain-bending questions will be published in a future column.
   
  [The correct answers to the latter two questions are so totally NOT "Because I sent you the mp3 of it, jerko" and "Because of what Kelly does 28 seconds into said video," respectively, so just save your breath if you're under that mistaken impression. I hereby pre-disqualify you from winning this very special Email Sweepestakes due to the sheer overpowering nature of your utter and demonstrable wrongness! Please play again, honey.]
   
  
• John Cena beats The Miz. Well, I figured it'd come to this eventually, but I still don't have to like it, right? After 2 full months of getting "the better" of Cena, Miz just went down in horrible, one-sided flames here. He got next-to-zero. Even when he'd land kicks and punches, Cena just no-sold him like Miz was a 12-year-old girl. Which is funny, because based on the crowd reaction, only a 12-year-old girl would have been cheering for Cena. Him and his dominating superman act got booed out of the building. After about 5-6 minutes that'd make even Hogan blush, Miz took a full-on, over-the-top, milking-it-for-all-its-worth 2-mintue Five Knuckle Shuffle. Then he took the FU. Then he tapped out immediately and enthusiastically to the SSTF. Poor Miz. Maybe if you'd taken my suggestion about the Reversible Arm Sock, things would have worked out better for you. As it is: Cena did what he had to do (according to Marketing Department Think, anyway, even I tend to have other ideas stemming from Wrestling Think and would have put more effort into "protecting" Miz than WWE did into "making" Ziggler in a nearly identical storyline), and we'll find out starting tomorrow if Miz has any legs now that he's been emasculated on PPV. Some guys are teflon, and some guys aren't; this is Miz's chance to have a second Good Idea to establish himself irrevocably, rather than being a footnote in Cena History. I'm rooting for you, you Fellow Ohioan Jerkface!
   
  
• Randall Orton beat Triple H in a Three Stages of Hell Match to retain the WWE Title. You can probably just go back and re-read my recap of WM25 to find out what I thought about this match... I mean, it was different in the particulars (way more Sports Entertainment-y-ness here versus the straight-up no-drama match at Mania), but identical in overall effect. Just like Mania, they came into the show knowing the crowd didn't give a shit. Just like Mania, the two guys seemed demonstrably under-armed versus the other strong matches we saw, like they brought a knife to a gunfight; or brought ** to a PPV where you'd best be packing *** or better if you're getting the main event. The only thing UNlike Mania? They let the wrong guy win. Fucking hell. Why am I the only one around here who comprehends what numbers are bigger than others and that when Randy Orton is in a featured spot, all numbers get smaller? How hard is that to see? It's not subjective taste and opinion. THEY'RE FUCKING NUMBERS!
   
  I'll save you the eleventy billionth diatribe about why Orton is not just a channel-flip-inducing choade to me, but also has the same affect on the General Public, and get on with the match....
   
  First "stage of hell" in this glorified best-of-three-falls match is a run of the mill Standard Wrestling Match. You know: just like Mania. So it basically sucked. I don't have the words to explain how 8000 people in a building can possibly be THAT quiet and uninterested: but they were, and so was I. Finally, after about 10 minutes of "WWE Main Event Style" Brawling (which works if you've gotten the fans to buy in ahead of time, but which dies on the table if you haven't), HHH just brabbed a chair and started whapping Orton with it. HHH is disqualified in the standard wrestling match, and is now down 1 fall to 0.
   
  But the next fall is a Falls Count Anywhere Match, so Trips just keeps whapping away with the chair for a bit. Then he does maybe one or two other moves (mostly just so he can toss Orton out of the ring and pin him Somewhere Other Than The Ring, since otherwise, even the Orton-caliber mental defectives in the audience would realize how lame this booking is), and then pins Orton at ringside.
   
  Third fall is a Stretcher Match, and even though a Cerebral Assassin COULD have done the exact same thing here and KEPT WHAPPING ORTON WITH THE CHAIR, now HHH decides to stop and wait for 2 minutes while they bring out the stretcher and set up the "finish line" and stuff. When he finally decides to load Orton onto the stretcher and go for the gold, OF COURSE Orton has had time to recover. I'd be offended at how stupid this all was, except I'd rather take my cue from the live audience and just keep on not giving a damn.
   
  Once they got into the final five minutes, they did ramp up the action with some actually decent brawling and convincing spots, and the crowd got nominally interested (still: nowhere near as hot for any of the previous matches, and even the ECW Title match had way more audience heat). Back and forth big spots and teases with the stretcher, leading up to a Pedigree On The Steel Ramp. Hunter is gonna win until... Cody Rhodes makes the save and prevents HHH from pushing the stretcher past the finish line. When HHH dispatches Rhodes, DiBiase decides THEN is when he should attack (instead of at the same time as Rhodes? REALLY?). HHH dispatches him. Awwwww, at least Rhodes and DiBiase are still being loyal to their Master; I'm touched. HHH tries to push the stretcher over the line again, but Orton escapes. Legacy AGAIN goes into Stupid Black Ninja Mode (attacking one at a time) until HHH pulls his Sweet Lady Sledge out from under the stretcher. He gets a few nice big slugs in on Rhodes/DiBiase, but all while allowing Orton to recover. Orton grabs the piece of metal that HHH had used to conceal his sledgehammer, and hits HHH over the head with it. HHH conveniently collapses onto the stretcher, and Orton pushes it three feet over the line to get the win.
   
  Wow. Just: wow. There was some heat on the very, very end, but up until then it was mind-numbingly boring by any objective metric, and (from a creatively standpoint) kinda dumb and logic-hole-ridden. Again, stuff like that can work if you have Fan Buy-In ahead of time, but will tank in spades if you try to sell it to an unconvinced audience. This? Tanked. In Marketing/WWE Think, they probalby had no choice but to try this as the Main Event, but honestly, it wasn't even one of three best/most-responded-to matches of the night, and they COULD have figured that out ahead of time if they'd been paying attention.
   

That's all I've got the energy for tonight. I'll have a big update later this week with additional PPV thoughts/fall-out, plus some other pretty interesting newsbites (especially stunning ratings for the no-commercial RAW and my insights/analysis on the reasons behind them, and more). So I'll see you then, kids... 
 
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