My actual PPV write-up will follow at a later time, but due to the incredibly surprising and noteworthy results of the show, I feel it necessary to do this quick mock-up with the cut-and-dry super-abbreviated results from tonight's just-completed Extreme Rules pay-per-view:

• Kofi Kingston retained the US Title in a 4-way match against William Regal, Matt Hardy, and MVP. Good, but waaayyy short.
   
• Chris Jericho beat Rey Mysterio in a No Holds Barred Match to win his ninth InterContinental Title. Excellent match; Jericho won when he surprised Rey by unmasking him in mid-(619) and then hit a cheap schoolboy roll-up.
   
• CM Punk beat Umaga in a Strap Match. Meh, some quality teases towards the end, but that's about it.
   
• Tommy Dreamer won an Extreme Rules 3-way over Christian and Jack Swagger to win the ECW Title. Really fun match: a garbagey brawl but without any real uncomfortable spots or gore.
   
• Santina Marella beat Vickie Guerrero/Chavo Guerrero in a Handicap Hogpen Match to regain the Miss WrestleMania Tiara. Awful. Inexcusibly bad.
   
• Batista beat Randy Orton in a Cage Match to win the WWE Title. Super-short for a title match (only about 6 minutes). Orton got zero offense, and chickenshitted it up for the entire match, trying to make cheap cage escapes, before getting pinned. Odd (perhaps rumors of a Batista injury are true?), but crowd-pleasing for sure. 
   
• John Cena beat Big Show in a Submission Only Match. As expected: Cena gets his ass beat and makes superman comeback to win. Way overlong for what it was.
   
• Jeff Hardy beat Edge in a Ladder Match to win the Heavyweight Title. Awesome stuff with some brand new creative "Holy Shit" spots and all the drama and excitement you could handle leading up to Jeff's big win. 
   
• CM Punk cashed in Money in the Bank to beat Jeff Hardy for the Heavyweight Title. Whoa. Jim Ross was getting set to interview Hardy when Punk crashed the party. One Go To Sleep failed. A small package by Jeff gave fans hope. Another go To Sleep sealed the deal. Punk wins, to a mix of about 80% cheers and 20% boos. Wild.
   

See you later, kids...