Sorry this is a day or so late getting to you, kids... such is life when you get a new computer to replace an old one that's on the fritz, and JUST when you think you've made the transition in time that nobody will notice? The old computer goes tits up about 48 hours before completion of all necessary transitionary operations. Leaving me without vital access to key resOOurces during the most important week of the wrestling year.

Hey, this about it this way: it wouldn't be WrestleMania weekend if The Rick didn't figure out SOME way to monumentally screw up what SHOULD have been his biggest traffic week of the year. A few years ago, I caught a nasty virus around WM21. Last year: the whole Losing My Domain thing. Now this year, the transitioning of PCs.

But I digress. We need to get y'all caught up on what happened at this weekend's Twentyfifth Anniversary of WrestleMania. Here are your quick-and-dirty results from Sunday's pay-per-view:

• In a pre-PPV Dark Match, Primo and Carlito Colon beat the Miz and John Morrison to become the Unified Tag Team Champions. Huh, maybe the 3rd or 4th most promising match on the 10-match card, and they don't even show it on TV. They MUST have some kick-ass plans for what to do with those sparse 4 hours of satellite time, then! [Ahem.] As we've all heard by now, the Colons won. Don't know exactly how good it was, but it was said to be short-ish and just a warm-up; kind of a shame given how good these four could have been (especially withou the Bellas and the stupid-ass lumberjacks). With the Colons holding the titles, you can officially get mega-pissy about WWE using the draft to break up Miz and Morrison to start them on their way to singles careers. Unles, that is, you're one of the Johnny-Nitro-Huggers who actually think he's ready to succeed on his own.... in which case (a) you're probably happy at this prospect, but (b) you are so very, very wrong.
  
  
• Show Opening Fluffery. The standard stuff: a more old-timey video package of WM History, followed up by an over-long primer on this year's WM line-up (which wouldn't have been so bad if they hadn't re-used and over-exposed the same basic material later in the show, as well). Then we're inside Houston's Reliant AstroFieldSeum (or whatever it's called) for some pyro and a rendition of "America the Beautiful" by a Pussycat Doll, which sounded exactly as you'd expect from a thusly named girl: thin and screechy. Here's your 3-man announce crew (Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler, Michael Cole), because Tazz's contract expired earlier in the week and he's taking some time off before deciding whether or not to come back, and they waste no time kicking it to the first of our inter-promotional matches...
  
  
• CM Punk won the 8-Man Money in the Bank Ladder Match. Not the type of match you recap... this actually IS the rare of type of match you just set to music and turn it into a 3 minute highlight clip. Any attempt to try to explain the various crazy spots wouldn't be worth either of our whiles. Not quite as crazy as last year's version, and sadly, not quite as crisp in spots. Kofi and Shelton tie as the night's big stars, with Punk and Christian right behind in terms of quarterbacking the insanity. MVP and Finlay were disappointments and Kane/Henry were just there as "props" for a few power spots. Last moments of the match had Shelton looking like he had a chance to grab the briefcase and win, but then Christian busted out some mad science with a dipsy-do move where he rode a ladder down, but then bounced it off the top rope until it stood back up again and then jumped onto a second ladder to ALMOST get the case. That's when Punk showed up and re-asserted the advantage to get toss Christian aside and get the win. Punk's the first 2-time MitB Winner, and much was made that every time the MitB Briefcase has been cashed in, it has brought it's own the World Title... we'll see if that holds. Good, fun 12-14 minute spotfest, though some of the sizzle was DEFINITELY diluted by the shitty line-up of "stars" here. Punk really was the only option to win if you want fans taking the title shot seriously; WWE already shot themselves in the foot with Christian's anticlimactic return, otherwise he could easily have been viewed by fans as another viable option.
  
  
• Kid Rock played a medley of hits. In the history of WWE trying to get enjoyable music guests for WM, this is the first time they've come close to scoring. Rock got out there and did a spot-on "Super Bowl Halftime Show" (no cramming new stuff down our throats, just a rapid fire collection of shorter-versions of his hits), in the spirit of Petty and Springsteen the past two SBs. After about 12 minutes of solid rocking, he hit the part where he played "So Hott," and they used Rock's performance as an En Masse Entrance for all the divas. As soon as Kid Rock finished up his 15-minute mini-concert, the bell rang to signal the start of...
  
  
• Santina Marella won the Miss WrestleMania 25-Diva Battle Royale. Yes, SantinA, allegedly (ahem) Santino's twin sister. So the whole thing with the divas entering together while Rock played was just an excuse to sneak Santino into the ring and hide him in a corner for most of the match so nobody would notice. Not that fans had a chance to notice much of anybody. Both Molly Holly and Sunny were gone in under 10 seconds. Well: so much to me lightly groping myself during this match. Few of the active divas on the roster fared much better, just ejecting from the ring in rapid order until it was down to Beth Phoenix battling with Melina for the honor of Miss WrestleMania (while the mysterious guy in drag stood in a corner and tried to be inconspicuous). Of course, the first chance he got, the Mystery Drag Queen snuck up on both women when they were near the ropes and shoved them both over the top to win the match. Yay? Well, at least it wasn't Mae Young (who settled for sitting at ringside for this one). Even with going for a jokey Santino finish, I feel they could have done more with this, but WWE obviously disagreed: once they realized they wouldn't be coaxing either Trish or Lita back, they just went into pure throw-away mode here. Bleh.
  
  
• Chris Jericho won the Legends Challenge over Ricky Steamboat, Roddy Piper, and Jimmy Snuka. The legends were accompanied by Ric Flair and needed to score only one decision over Jericho to win, whereas Jericho needed to eliminate all three legends in order to be victorious. No problem. Snuka tapped out to the walls in about 90 seconds, and a minute later: Piper pinned by the Codebreaker. Ahhhhh, yes: just what The Rick wanted... his first favorite wrestler ever, Ricky Steamboat, versus probably his current favorite wrestler, Chris Jericho. And they did not disappoint. Steamboat looked sharp as he fired up following Piper's elim, giving hope to 70k fans who seemed pleasantly surprised at how good "the Dragon" looked. The leaps may not have been as high and the footwork may have been a half-step slower, but Steamboat was actually superior to many of today's stars in terms of technique and positioning that he more than made up for it (honestly: watch the way he was transitioning between moves: smoothly, effortlessly, sensibly; unlike many of today's guys whose instincts are non-existent; even a half-step slow, Steamboat was already where he needed to be at all times, ready for the next thing, instead of looking like a guy trying to remember which dance move comes next and rushing for his spot). That, of course, led to the classic Steamboat Beatdown, in which the wrestling industry's greatest babyface gets his ass handed to him, before starting a rally (with, naturally, skinning the cat, just like the olden days). A nice sequence of 4-5 near falls in the spirit of Steamboat/Savage (complete with one near the end that I SWORE was a three count, but was just a Hebner-esque two). In the end, though, Jericho must beat the 55-year-old man. So he did, with a reversal into a Codebreaker for the pin. About 8-9 minutes, with the last 6+ being all Jericho/Steamboat and being pure fun. If Steamboat wants, he's welcome to parlay that into one more PPV showcase anytime, in my book. He showed he could still deliver an entirely plausible 10-12 minute 1-on-1 match, I think.
  
  After the match: Jericho got on the mic and started ranting against the legends and against Mickey Rourke (who was seated at ringside). Flair gave it a go, but got Codebreakered for his troubles. Rourke, on the other hand, decided to hop in the ring, and after interminible circling, landing his first punch (a left hook) on Jericho, magically knocking him out. Rourke and Flair celebrate. Jericho powders out to replace that glass jaw with his regular one. Everybody's happy! Satisfying TV.
  
  
• Matt Hardy beat Jeff Hardy. Big brother always wins! And I know that from experience.... match started slow, which would have been fine if they'd been planning to go longer than 12 minutes (which they didn't) or if the promo/story work leading into this had been even remotely good so the fans were emotionally vested (it wasn't, so they weren't). Instead, it's been crappy mic work and puppydogs setting up this match, and the fans (reasonably, I think) were all just "OK boys, let's skip the boring parts and get to the jumping off high places." I ain't saying it's fair, but that's how it works; this whole thing of "telling a story" with a match extends out far before the match itself begins, and as shitty as the "story" had been handled here, you can't blame fans for defaulting to wanting nothing but high risk out of the Hardys. So they finally ramped it up, including all of Tables, Ladders, and Chairs... and then, at the 12 minute mark, right as you were starting to settle in and think that this was about the halfway point of a good kick-ass brawl, BAM, a chair assisted Twist of Fate by Matt, and he scored the pinfall off it. Huh. That was.... kinda out of nowhere. Shortish, and took a while getting warmed up: methinks the Curse of the Hardys continues.
  
  
• Rey Mysterio beat John Bradshaw Layfield to win the InterContinental Title. JBL did some pre-match mic work promising to make history, Rey showed up in a Joker mask. The bell rang. (619), springboard splash, and Rey wins in 20 seconds flat. Yep, that's history.
  
  After the match: JBL got on the mic and announced he quits. Probably for the best... his back is getting really bad again, and it's been showing in his in-ring performances (not even Michaels could get anything decent out of him). Lotsa folks thought JBL would slide in and replace Tazz as SD!'s announcer, but JBL has denied that, saying he's taking some time fully away from WWE before deciding his future.
  
  
• Undertaker beat Shawn Michaels in an early Match of the Year Front Runner. Wow. Just: wow. With some spotty storytelling and decision making heading into the biggest show of the year, WWE put two 40-something-year-old guys in the unenviable position of having to carry the PPV. And boy did they deliver, serving up 35 minutes of action and drama before Taker finally scored the win to extend his undefeated streak. HBK descended from above the stage wearing white; Taker ascended from below wearing black; and once both were in the ring, the fight was on. Great heat and intensity from the get-go, allowing the two vets to milk it a bit slower early on, before gearing up at about the 8 minute mark. That's when things first spilled outside. Not long after that, it was time for the High Flying Geriatrics, as Michaels was the first to try a top-rope-to-the-floor twisting plancha; Taker dodged and swatted HBK to the mat, where he landed awkwardly with a thud (a broken arm looked possible). Then, as Michaels recovered slowly, Taker decided to get airborne, doing a variation on his No Hands Plancha; here, Michaels tried to pull a cameraman into the way, but didn't quite get him all the way into position, so Taker was SOL... he tried to tuck and roll, and landed quite violently on the mat, but luckily without breaking anything. Whew. About 15-20 minutes in, now, and this is where the two exchanged finishers for the first time. And both kicked out. Get used to it, it happens like 4 more times, each more dramatic than the last. In fact, once they passed the 20 minute mark, "slow and dramatic" is what they went with... and the slower they milked it (right up to a ref who was apparently straight out of a cryonic chamber, he was so stiff and slow moving), the more fans lapped it up. About 30 minutes in, it's kinda time for End Game, with HBK going for his usual Rally Spot (though not doing it all in the same order). Pace picks up as Michaels hits his standard gear, we go through a few reversals, but then it seems like HBK is in control... up to the top, where he goes for a Moonsault. But Taker catches him in mid-air. Delivers a Tombstone (the 5th one of the match, I think). This time, Michaels stays down for the slllllooooowww three-count. Words cannot do this one justice. If you like wrestling, you will like this. It's that simple.
  
  
• John Cena beat Edge and Big Show to become the World Heavyweight Champion. Good luck following that one, guys... although to be perfectly honest, I think the fans would have been ready to keep on munching on whatever WWE was serving, if only it were something tasty. Instead: the "big payoff" to the Vickie Guerrero Love Triangle. Whee? Complicating matters is te fact that Cena was in full "Mixed Reaction Mode," which meant there was no clear cut babyface in this match... and even going back to when I was a little 9-year-old dweeb and wondered why Nikolai Volkoff/Iron Sheik vs. the Hart Foundation was so damned boring, *I* have known that big matches with no babyfaces are destined to tank. So: whatever heat or fun there was here for the first 10 minutes was just the trusty ol' "wrestling fans drowning out the teenage girls by putting a SUCKS at the end of all Cena chants." Pretty much sizzle free other than that, though, as they go through the usual moves. This really is a case where Cena was in the ring with two of his best/most-compatible opponents, too (his best matches have been against Edge, and him and Show always seem to come up with something visually big), so it's a shame they mishandled the storyline side of things so badly that it hampered their chances for roping in the crowd with the ringwork. I guess they did get the "visually big" thing in the end, though, since the finish was a cool spot where Show and Edge were both "out on their feet" (Edge behind Big Show), and Cena got in front of them and hoisted BOTH of them up on his shoulders for a moment. Edge wriggled off, but Cena completed the not-the-FU on Show (always impressive in its own right), before re-grabbing Edge and not-FU'ing him onto Show's dead carcass. Cena then pinned Show to win the strap. Hmmm: Edge may win all these titles by nefarious means, but here's a case where he lost the belt without being pinned. I feel so sorry for that magnifcent chickenshit. About 12-14 minutes, and in most significant ways, felt more like a free TV match than a major PPV affair... and that's just not the vibe you want when you're doing major title changes.
  
  
• Triple H beat Randall Orton to retain the WWE Title. Wow. Just: wow. And in the opposite way of how Taker/HBK was a "wow." This is just a "wow" in that I can't believe that this is what WWE delivered in the main event of the biggest show of the year. Everything about this feud/match has been a few degrees off, and I just kept assuming WWE would have a few tricks up its sleeve to spruce up the final product and make it seem like a sastisfying pay-off. But no. Instead, this is a feud that's been done to death (as recently as 10 months ago, when it tanked in the ratings and at the box office), it's a feud that's been mishandled in its current iteration (with awful, intelligence-insulting soap-opera-ness rather than cogent, compelling character development), and on this night, it turned into a match that seemed visibly and obviously half-assed compared to almost all the rest of the show (even to a layman), both in terms of sizzle and drama AND in terms of the straight-forward in-ring athleticism. WWE gets me pissy in a lot of different ways, but one thing they've done REALLY well in the past 10 years is eliminate the possibility of genuinely shitty PPV main events. They may not all be gems, but they at least go to adequate lengths to prevent true stinkers. But folks: I'm prepared to lump WM25's HHH/Orton alongside Angle/Henry at the '05 (?) Rumble as the most unfathomably poor main event in recent memory (and at least there, they had an excuse, as they HAD to do Angle/Henry last to facilitate a stunt with the Undertaker breaking the ring). And not since WM13 (Sid vs. Taker) has WWE allowed a match with such low prospects for satisfying the audience to go on in the last slot on their biggest show of the year, if you ask me. So like I said: "wow."
  
  My guess is Hunter and Orton knew they'd have to try SOMEthing fancy to get the crowd into things, so they each hit their finisher within the opening two minutes. Rather than feeling cool and dramatic, though, it just seemed silly that less than 2 minutes into a match BOTH guys ended up being "too tired" to make the timely cover when they nailed their big move. Oy. And after that attempted "fast start," it actually all went downhill. Slowed down. With no particular heat or energy for HHH, and with Orton, well, being Orton and wrestling a typical Orton match (chinlocks and moving in slow motion, baby!), this just dragged and dragged. One (1) nice spot the whole match, as they went outside and did a reversal spot while standing on the Spanish Announce Table (instead of Orton eating it, HHH was flipped back onto the English Announce Table). A few instances of trying to convey the idea of "if HHH gets counted out or DQ'ed, he still loses the title" actually seemed to sap MORE heat from the match, as I don't know if the crowd fully got the stips, and were instead just bored by them milking a count-out, and disappointed every time Trips would be "conflicted" about doing something naughty before deciding NOT to cheat. You begin to see how this match just had so much going against it from the word "go."
  
  Somehow, they manage to stretch this out to 25 minutes before finally doing a ref bump, which allows a modicum of perking up from fans as HHH grabs a sledge, and eventually uses it on Orton. Ref wakes up, Pedigree, cover, and Triple H wins. I gotta tell you: as bad as I thought things were coming into the show, this match somehow managed to STILL disappoint.... I had just assumed they'd cart out Vince, Shane, Legacy, and maybe even Steph. Try to get something interesting and dynamic in the ring, rather than the interminibly boring Orton doing this thing with HHH for the umpteenth time in the last 15 months. But nope: nothing. Not even a hint of anything dramatic at any point. Just two guys we've seen wrestle a ton in the past going out there and cramming 8 minutes worth of action into a 25 minute match, all while the crowd mostly sat on its hands. Not good.