Although, in all honesty, if ever there were a show where I'd just as soon bury my head in shame, it'd be after tonight's Royal Rumble. I mean, I get all clever and start making not-so-veiled comments about things expected to happen at the Rumble through my front page blurbs, and then... well, let's just 

For starters, you had me talking about a storyline in which Triple H was "forced" to enter the Rumble at #1... well, turns out that while WWE did tape those vignettes between HHH and Vickie Guerrero, the ensuing two weeks (because of the new double-stacked SD! taping schedule) resulted in WWE changing booking plans. When HHH's loss to Kozlov/Big Show actually aired on Friday, WWE had had plenty of time to formulate other ideas (apparently), and also plenty of time to excise the offending stipulation from the broadcast.

And the Rick is the one who ends up looking like a chump. Thanks, WWE.

Then there's the matter of Christian, who also didn't show up... though in this case, there's a good chance WWE was purposely letting us think whatever we wanted (and actually feeding us more "obvious" storyline fodder and enough rope for us to hang ourselves), all while knowing that they'd have a swerve in place at the relevant time. Thus, when Edge needed unexpected help at a key moment to help him regain the WWE Title from Jeff Hardy, it didn't come from his "younger brother," but rather from Jeff's older brother.

Doesn't mean Christian's not still on the radar; in fact, the story told at the PPV seemed to be that Matt snapped rather suddenly upon realizing that he'd lost his ECW Title and his kid brother was reigning WWE Champ; and the "real-world accidents" befalling Jeff Hardy (a) started BEFORE Jeff won the WWE Title and (b) all took place (with one exception) while Matt was still ECW Champ and thus "mentally stable." So for the storyline to make sense, you almost HAVE to have another plotter, unless Edge just fesses up and takes credit for all the attacks... then again, WWE could be going for a super-duper twist in which Christian returns as a babyface, and we get a "Younger Brothers vs. Older Brothers" mash-up version of the Hardys/Brood feud that began in earnest a full 10 years ago.

In any case, the Rick looked like a champ -- kind of -- again on that one, but in this case, he didn't mind. Because he's also an easy mark who actually likes being fooled every now and again by a clever twist.

Then, of course, there's the soul-crushing irony that the one fairly obvious prediction that DIDN'T make it to publication in any front page blurb is the one that actually came to pass: Randy Orton as the 2009 Royal Rumble Winner. The second that no McMahon showed up to finish firing his ass, it became painfully clear that Randall would have to win the Rumble in order to -- in "WWE Think" -- become "bulletproof" heading to WrestleMania.

It still makes no sense to me -- in "Intelligent Human Being Think" -- that Orton couldn't/shouldn't have been easily fire-able before the Rumble match for bootie-kicking the boss in the head, nor do I pretend to understand what would stop anybody in a position of nominal authority from firing Orton now, even AFTER he's won the Rumble. The Rumble-to-WM-Titleshot tradition is a perk offered to a gainfully employed member of the roster... it's not, in and of itself, some kind of "get out of jail free" card should you perform other acts that make you unemployable. The Rumble win merely says that if Orton is on the card at WM, it should probably be in a title match; it DOESN"T say that no matter what other circumstances exist, Randy Orton must legally be in said title match at WM25. He damned well could be fired, just the same as he damned well could get injured. In neither case would the Rumble win make him some kind of "bulletproof." In both cases, he'd just have to go bye-bye, and WWE would come up with a work-around.

Alternately, don't even get me started on how easy it should be for someone in a position of authority to note past precedent, and force Orton to put his WM Title Shot up for grabs in any number of matches, possibly incredibly unfair ones, in order to achieve the desired goal. "Bulletproof," my ass.

Of course, I'm just thinking about this way too hard. WWE is trying to tell stories for 9-year-olds, and in this case, they've probably managed to cobble together one that a 9-year-old can believe in. As for the rest of us? Well, let's just say that if WWE is willing to rewrite the Wellness Policy in order to reduce punishment to Orton because of what a phenomenal dipshit he is in real life, then we can just tell ourselves that it makes PERFECT sense that Orton would face no TV consequences from bootie-kicking his boss as part of a storyline, either. He's the golden boy!

There is, actually, one entirely logical "out" for the storyline, and that involves Stephanie McMahon working from the "inside" as Randy Orton's secret concubine and yet another 3rd Generation member of his crew of over-entitled, under-talented d-bags. It sucks that by playing it this way, WWE has painted themselves into the corner of HAVING to do this big twist (because it takes away any element of surprise), but Steph going full-heel and trying yet another variation of wanting to break away and be independent from her dad by running RAW on her own (and with her gang of mentally-enfeebled, monosyllabic, metrosexual boytoys) would certainly play to her strength.

Let's face it: we all remember Steph at the height of her powers in the McMahon/Helmsley angle. Imagine just how big of a SLUT fans would see her as the second she started clinging onto the one guy on the roster who almost certainly would have become a date rapist if only he'd been able to get accepted into a single college so he could join a frat? Steph and Randy would be despicable together, almost grotesque. And if Steph's going to play to her sluttiness, she had probably better do it real soon, before her daughters start getting old enough to understand what's on TV, and she actually has to explain "Well, sometimes mommies like being with different daddies. Sometimes lots of different daddies at the same time. This is called being a 'whore' and it's perfectly natural and healthy." Or something like that... just so long as the whole "TV-PG" thing doesn't get in the way, it'll work. Steph is no "cougar," and they better not pretend she is... she's 100% Grade-A Slutty MILF, baby!

Only downside(s) to that: we're stuck with Vince trying to be a babyface, which always sucks donkeyballs, in my humble opinion. And we're still, no matter how you dress it up, stuck with Orton vs. Cena at WM25, which is a feud so fantastic that WWE ran with it for several months last spring, and it drove ratings right into the toilet! What's the cliche about stupidity? That it's most easily defined as doing the same thing twice and expecting different results? I know Batista got hurt and all, guys, but that's no excuse to redefine stupidity for all the nice fans...

You've already got me leaning towards SmackDown being the better brand, WWE... now, you've got me seriously wondering if the best match RAW will muster for the WM25 line-up won't be this rumored Chris Jericho vs. Mickey Rourke debacle. SERIOUSLY wondering. Thanks?

I digress. That's one long-ass PreRamble (such is life when I keep my thoughts all bottled up in between PPV-inspired ejaculations), and most of it has to do with the future. And you came here today to discuss the very, very recent past. Such as the just-completed Royal Rumble PPV:

• Jack Swagger beat Matt Hardy to retain the ECW Title. After interminable months of Hardy vs. Mark Henry came to an end, Swagger won the ECW Title in his first try 2 weeks ago. This is his first defense, and his first PPV match. And he made the most of it. Matt played a little bit of cat-and-mouse to control the early psychology over the young All American, but things eventually settled in for your very standard heel beatdown segment (a nice mix of suplexes and focused arm-work by Swagger). Per formula, Hardy staged his comeback at about the 8 minute mark, culminating in a convincing near fall off a moonsault. Now with both guys pretty tired and beaten-up, they went into a final few minutes of reverse-and-double-reverse, each trying to hit a finisher, but the other always countering out of it. Finally, Swagger dodged a charge, and Hardy ate ring post, providing the tiny opening needed. Swagger hit the Blue Thunder Bomb (with Hardy as dead weight, making it look all the more impressive) for the three count. 
   
  Pretty solid 10-12 minute opener, and you can quote me on this: Swagger is -- along with Kennedy -- pretty much the cream of the crop when it comes to what the WWE Cookie Cutter Developmentals have pooped out the past 5 years. In fact, those are just about the only 2 who've as yet shown the unique spark to be anything other than mid-carders (though the jury's still out on how much of his natural talent Ted DiBiase Jr. had "trained out of him" and what might still be in there).
   
  After the match: they made a point to let the cameras linger on Matt as much as they did on Swagger's celebration. Matt was all "conflicted" and disappointed. In himself? Or will he take it out on somebody else? OMG, FORESHADOWING~!
   
  
• Melina beat Beth Phoenix to win the WWE Women's Title. And the most popular woman in this match? SANTINO~! He's the only one who got any chants, at least. In fact, in so far as there was anything particularly interest or memorable about this match, it'd be that Santino was working as hard as he could to steal the spotlight with his cheerleading. Beth and Melina went through the motions in the ring, but it just wasn't working... and in the end, Santino was FAR too interested in his own antics to notice that Melina reversed a suplex and got Beth in a schoolgirl roll-up. Right in front of where he was standing. So he did nothing. Melina got the three count, and we've got a new champ. Match was slow and spotty, but if you're into Santino, he was front and center on the storyline side of the match, and I guess we tune in tomorrow night to see what happens next.... I'd originally just assumed Standard Storytelling Rules applied, and when "Glammarella" broke up, Beth would be the babyface and Santino the dickhead heel; but now, I'm not so sure it won't be the other way. Fans just like Santino a little too much; and plus, it's not like the women's division needs another babyface.
   
  
• John Cena beat John Bradshaw Layfield to retain the World Heavyweight Title. Per current storylines, Shawn Michaels is "broke" (damn that Ric Flair and his shady Investment Company that was clearly all just a front so he could get HBK's money and exact revenge on the man who retired him!) and is now JBL's slave. Or Virgil 2K9, if you prefer. He's at ringside to help JBL, though as has been the case the past month or so, the sourpuss look on Michaels' face says he doesn't like it. Match starts off, and Cena's definitely in MixedReactionville, while most fans seem not to care about JBL at all, and instead are making it clear that they'd rather not be asked to buy Michaels as a heel as part of this storyline. Oh well. But they try to cobble together a match: Cena opens by trying to preach at Michaels that he's "better than this," but all that does is let JBL attack from behind to settle in for a methodical beatdown. So slow. So headlocky. A few hope spots. Then so chinlocky. Bleh. 
   
  Cena finally did a full-on real fire-up at about the 10 minute mark, which was strong enough that he cinched JBL in the SSTF (now being called merely an STF, but OO will retain the extra S so long as Cena insists on applying it extra-shitty). Michaels teased that he'd help pull JBL towards the ropes, but he didn't actually do it. Still, the TEASE was enough that Cena (dum dum) released the hold and again decided to start preaching at Michaels. So: JBL recovers and hits a Clothesline from Hell when Cena finally turns back around. JBL tosses Cena to ringside, where he wants Michaels to attack while JBL keeps the ref distracted: no dice, Michaels just stands back. So JBL yanks Cena back into the ring, where Cena immediately counters, and hoists JBL up for the F-U (no longer called the F-U, because that's rucking way too many fules for a TV-PG show!). In so doing, JBL's foot smacks the ref in the head. Cena drops JBL without doing the move, and hey looky: NOW Shawn Michaels is hopping in the ring to do his dirty, sinful business!
   
  A bit of a tease and then... BAM! Michaels superkicks JBL. Crowd likes that. And just as Cena starts nodding and getting all "Now THAT's what I'm talkin' about," Michaels turns around and blasts CENA with a superkick, too. The crowd REALLY liked that. Michaels drags JBL over on top of Cena, and then leaves. Problem: the ref is still knocked out... but here's a new ref sprinting down to the ring! He gets in. He counts. Cena kicks out at 2. And then it's both men slowly to their feet, Cena ducks a single Clothesline attempt from JBL, and then nails the not-the-F-U for the win. Right around 15 minutes, and probably about as good a match as JBL can have at this point; the first 10 minutes were really quite poor and patience-trying, but starting with Cena's high energy rally and then peaking for the Michaels-story-stuff, the last part of the match was satisfactorily dramatic and satisfying.
   
  
• Edge beat Jeff Hardy to become the new WWE Champion in an impromptu No Holds Barred Match. The NHB stip was added at the last second by GM Vickie Guerrero, who claimed to not want Jeff to get himself DQ'ed to save his title. Hokay, whatever; I just knows that I likes it when you give Edge and a Hardy permission to use tables, ladders, and chairs, so you get on with yo bad self, Vickie! [The crowd seems to see the other possible reason for the NHB stip, as they briefly chanted "We Want Christian" early in the match.] No need for starting slow or feeling out or anything between these two life-long rivals: they just jump right in at full speed, and inside of 3 minutes, Jeff's already sprung a couple of suicide dives, and Edge is already chickenshitting it up like a champ. The action continued to take place in equal parts in the ring and around it till about the 10 minute mark, when Jeff decided to get the announce tables and a ladder involved. He set Edge up to be Swanton'd through an announce table, but that's when Chavo Guerrero ran out... he and Jeff brawled for a bit, with Chavo taking a quality beating, and then being splashed through a different announce table as Jeff ALMOST had a major accident leaping off the flimsy ladder. But it all held together, and he was able to hit the splash.... still, with all this, Edge of course had time to recover, and so he and Jeff repaired back to the ring for some more back-and-forthy.
   
  While things settled down (for pretty much the first time in the match), the announcers made it clear that Edge/Vickie's No-Holds-Barred plan has officially backfired (oh, has it, now?), and Edge is on his own to try to finish this one, now (oh, is he?). Back and forth, back and forth, in the middle of all the action, Edge did take a moment to rip off a turnbuckle pad (though the exposed steel did NOT come into immediate play). Pace picks up again big time as Jeff tries a Twist of Fate. Countered. Impaler DDT by Edge. Spear, countered. Swanton, dodged. Slingshot (into exposed steel). Spear, countered again, this time smoothly into a Twist of Fate.  Swanton attempt, but Vickie Guerrero runs out and tries to interrupt. She fails, Swanton hits. But Vickie full body tackles the ref to keep him from counting (no DQ!).
   
  So here's Matt Hardy hitting the ring for the big save. He's got a chair, and he backs Vickie into a corner. He tells Jeff to get a chair of his own, but as soon as Jeff turns his back.... MATT BLASTS HIM IN THE SKULL WITH THE CHAIR. No Christian tonight, folks, but that's officially a heel turn. They play it as both Vickie and Edge being stunned by this turn of events (again, to me this speaks of Matt's actions making more sense as a spur of the moment decision on his part after a mental breakdown brought on by losing the ECW title 2 weeks ago, and NOT being a deal where Matt's been plotting against Jeff all along back to the Survivor Series Hotel Beating). But there's different levels of "stunned," and Edge is at the level where he still knows an opportunity when he sees it. So he covers Jeff's unconscious body, gets the 3 count, and is your new WWE Champ.
   
  Really good 20-plus minute match that was fast-paced and fun from the start, and which only had a brief lull around the 12 minute mark to let everybody catch their breaths. Then full speed ahead again, leading up to the big (and surprising) finish. And like I said in the preramble, though I'd be disappointed if they created a huge logic hole by claiming Matt was responsible for all Jeff's outside-the-ring problems, there are still a TON of different ways to go with this storyline both before and after Christian shows up. Match of the Night by a mile.
   
  
• Randy Orton won the 2009 Royal Rumble. Interesting lay-out to the match this year, with longer stretches of time with the ring pretty packed, and fewer memorable "spots" with minimal personalities interacting meaningfully. Makes it hard for me to think of a way to recap the match in "chunks," like I've done in the past, because there were a few bits early that stand out, and then just one GIANT chunk where there were 16 guys in the ring at the end, which slowly got whittled down, and didn't get particularly intriguing until the very end. I'll do my best, though.
   
  First two in were Rey Mysterio and John Morrison. Oh, and intervals were claimed to be 90 seconds, and it seemed like they stuck pretty close to that, without fudging too often (which means it took about 40 minutes to get all 30 men into the match, which seems right, since the total match time ended up being a few minutes shy of one hour; and it really WAS a long haul from the final entrant to the end of match). Good fast-paced action from those two, and nothing was compromised on that front when Carlito and MVP were the next two guys out. Then Khali was out at #5, and things switched gears: big man want SMASHY, little mans want to hide. Khali's attempted reign of eliminationing never got started though, because HE was eliminated by #6: Vladimir Kozlov. And then Kozlov tossed two of the other guys for good measure before Triple H entered at #7, and immediately tossed Kozlov out for the end to our first mini-spot.
   
  This is where the ring just started really filling up. Orton was in pretty soon, and he and HHH tossed the smarks a bone by having The Secret McMahon wanting to beat on Orton after Monday night's bootie-kick. HHH also seemed to enjoy working with Johnny Morrison, which is probably as good a sign as any that they've got a hard-on again for taking Morrison single when all signs point to him being best-used as a tag wrestler at this point (oy). Orton also seemed to pair up with Rey a bit, a throw back to 2 years ago's Road to WM. The Undertaker entered somewhere in the mid-teens, and there was a SLIGHT thinning of the herd, as he dumped both a Cryme Tyme and Shelton (Taker hatin' on the brothers!). Just prior to Taker's entrance, HHH also eliminated both Miz and Morrison when they couldn't quite get on the same page in attempting to double-team The Game. There was also a spot between Cody Rhodes and Goldust in which Cody tossed his older brother.
   
  More bodies into the ring, including Jericho and Punk, and the night's biggest surprise: ROB VAN DAM (who entered around #20). The PPV was in Detroit, so Van Dam apparently was gonna make the 30-minute drive to visit, anyway, and WWE decided to throw him out there as a little bonus. RVD scored no eliminations, and I doubt this is a sign that he's back under WWE contract. Eliminations continue to be scarce (Regal was tossed by Punk, and Kofi ousted by Kendrick, who celebrated just a little too much and was quickly eliminated by HHH in a recall of their fun little interaction back at Unforgiven), so I THINK there were 17 men in the ring once The Big Show entered at #30. That's probably a record.
   
  If it is, it didn't stay that way for long, as Show joined Kozlov and HHH as the night's only real multi-eliminators: within his first 5 minutes in the match, Show tossed Jim Duggan (hyped as the 1st Ever Rumble Winner, and definitely over with the crowd), R-Truth, CM Punk, Mike Knox, and Rey Mysterio. Kane then also got in on the action, and dispatched Dolph Zigler, Santino, and Finlay. That left us with 9 guys total in the ring as we hit the 50 minute mark, and all either reasonably legit potential winners or present for a clear storyline purpose: the entire Legacy (Orton, Rhodes, DiBiase), RVD, Jericho, Kane, Big Show, Taker, and Triple H.
   
  RVD and Jericho were the first out of this batch, after thankfully getting to hook up for at least a few spots together. Kane and Big Show followed soon thereafter. That left Taker and HHH versus the Legacy... and Rhodes/DiBiase immediately went after Taker. Thanks to an assist from Big Show (who had just been eliminated by Taker and was pissed about it), the two managed to get Taker over the top rope. So your Final Four: Orton's Generation Douche and Triple H.
   
  From here, you can pretty much fill in the blanks yourself. Legacy attacked in Retarded Ninja Mode (one at a time), at first, so HHH could build up some hope. Then the heels eventually got it together, and Orton started laying back to direct traffic. As he instructed Rhodes and DiBiase, however, HHH made a "shocking" recovery and started to rally...  Orton tried to step in with an RKO, but HHH blocked it and backflipped Orton over the top; but Orton held on and "skinned the cat"; while Orton was struggling to pull himself back into the ring, HHH went to the other side of the ring where he got entangled with Rhodes. DiBiase charged the duo, and HHH moved out of the way, using DiBiase's momentum against him and chucking him out, then doing essentially the same when Rhodes tried to take advantage by attacking HHH from behind. HHH might have thought he won at this point, but his back was still to the side of the ring where Orton had skinned the cat...  and before HHH can even turn back and come to the center of the ring, Orton was standing behind him, waiting, and tossed Hunter out and over the top. As some assclown on SportsCenter likes to say: winner winner chicken dinner.
   
  Like I said, a uniquely laid-out Rumble in the sense that there were few isolated spots, and instead the "charm" was that they filled the ring up and in the end, actually had 9 or 10 compelling stars (and no fodder) in the ring at one time. I'm not sure if that's necessarily better than what we're used to in Rumble matches (more carefully timed/choreographed bits that allow different wrestlers to shine in discrete "chunks" of storytelling), but it's definitely different and as a one-time thing, it worked for me. The ending, with HHH vs. Legacy, was probably a bit predictable, but handled well: you KNEW HHH would easily handle Rhodes/DiBiase so it came down to him or Orton, but they didn't belabor it.... instead, as soon as Rhodes/DiBiase were toast, Orton nailed the final elim in kind of a surprising fashion. That was also an unexpected change-up from what I had assumed would be at least 2-3 minutes of HHH/Orton reversey/teasey stuff.
   

Of note: Orton's elimination of HHH was his only elimination of the match. What a pussy! HHH (6), Big Show (4), Taker (4), Kozlov (3), and Kane (3) were your Multiple Eliminators, if my seat-of-my-pants math is right. Nobody else scored more than one full elim. The "Iron Man" designation either went to Rey or HHH (both would had to have been around 45 minutes), I'm not sure which. And Santino set a new record in futility, as I think he was in the ring for all of 0.7 seconds before getting chucked. [If you played the Royal Rumble Game, then HHH and Orton tied as the most valuable wrestlers you could get... both would have been good for 13 points. Taker was next at 6 points, with everybody else netting your 4 or fewer.]

Anyway, 'twas a good time, as the Rumble almost always is, especially on the strength of the Edge/Hardy match (and Other Hardy turn) and the uniqueness of the Rumble lay-out this year. My concerns in the PreRamble are mostly about going forward from here (especially if we're really being "treated" to Orton vs. Cena as WM25's headliner, less than 12 months after the last time it flopped from both a critical and a box office perspective), so let's not confuse the two issues.

Perhaps what I'll do to assuage that potential confusion in the future will be to, you know?, actually write some columns in between PPVs where I can voice my feelings, and then spend the PPV recaps talking exclusively about the actual PPV. Might be a plan...

So keep on checking back here at OO, and I'll see you when I see you, folks!