Todd: "Hi, I'm Todd Grisham, alongside a special guest announcer from SmackDown - Steve Romero." NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I need a drink.
 

Okay, I think I'm okay. I think I'll make it. 

Shelton Benjamin (Orangeburg, NC, 248 pounds) vs Eugene (Louisville, KY, 242 pounds) - Your ref is Jack. Eugene has extra special trouble getting his jacket off this week. Both wrestlers are supposedly angry about not being on Unforgiven, but I guess Eugene shows his angry by doing his Wacky Dance. Romero: "Let me say what an honor it is to share the broadcast table with you." What is this, the First Annual Meeting of the All Morons Club? Oh my, the Eugene Wacky Butt dance. I am laughing so hard, I am actually rolling on the floor. Is Eugene threatening to use the Claw? That's actually amusing. I have a black glove he can borrow. Shelton has no idea what to make of this but wants to part of it. Eugene puts the Claw away while the announcers admit they have no idea what's going on. Nothing new here. Lockup, Shelton knee lift. And another. Corner whip, reversed, Eugene monkey flip, Shelton lands on his feet but is a bit staggered, so Eugene takes advantage by biting his butt. Shelton is quite hurting from that one - he takes off. Jack Doan turns to yell at him, and Eugene tries to bit his butt. Jack Doan explains the concept of disqualification to Eugene. Okay, Shelton back in. Circle. Eugene garbs an arm and goes for a tip wristlock, but Shelton powers him down. Of course Eugene is rallying back, but Shelton stops that with a trip. Stomp. Right. Off the ropes, elbow drop missed, and it's time for JYD headbutts. No peeing this time - instead, it's the "wearing his opponent's entrance gear and mocking him" bit. Yay for long pointless bits where I don't have to type anything. Shelton approves, but tells Eugene he really must try on the sunglasses as well. Eugene thinks this over and carefully takes the sunglasses. Shelton gives them without a problem. Eugene is very happy and poses on the ropes - so Shelton powerbombs him off! YAY SHELTON. Stomp that fool! Eugene thrown back first in the corner hard, pulled out, snap mare, running kick to the spine. Shelton taking trash. Right hands. Shelton pulls Eugene by his hair, and kicks him in the back. Stomp to the head sends Eugene out. Shelton's going to follow up, throwing Shelton back firs tint eh barricade. Double choke by Shelton. Eugene is still wring Shelton's spiffy dragon shirt, and Shelton hasn't actually tried to take it off. Chinlock, Shelton taking effort to crank it around. Taking it all the way down to the mat. Eugene rallying up. I'm completely ignoring the announcers, but Romero seems to be phrasing everything in terms of SmackDown. Eugene lifts up Shelton, Shelton roll s down his back for a sunset flip, one two no. Shelton stomps Eugene, and then picks him up. Oh no, not the freaking turnbuckle smashes. Shelton's white boots look good this week. There's the punches, Eugene finally takes off the shirt to be free-er for the airplane spin. Both guys dizzy, though Eugene sells dizzy by standing near the ropes and doing nothing. Now moving on to the WrestleMania counter sequence. Eugene goes for the Rock Bottom, Shelton elbows him away and shoves him in the ropes, Shelton tries the kick, Eugene catches that, Shelton tries the Dragon Whip, Eugene ducks that, Eugene tries the Stunner, Shelton shoves him off, Eugene stops and turns, Shelton charges for no good reason, and there's the Rock Bottom. Todd finally calls a move, then tells us Eugene is going for the People's Elbow while Shelton is no where in position for such a thing and Eugene's actually pointing up. Eugene does go up, but Shelton's gets to his feet, leaps to the top rope (!) and gives Eugene a side belly suplex off. Shelton waiting for Eugene to get up, waiting, got him, T-Bone. One two three. (8:25) Please give this man something fun to do. Shelton has a words of advice for Eugene, and that's that.

McMahon DVD 

Candice Michelle is special guest referee for the next match. I don't think that stripped bodice is regulation.

Torrie Wilson (Boise, ID, w/Chloe) vs Mickie James (Richmond, Virginia) - Todd: "All girls are psycho, it's just to what degree." Hype for Trish's farewell, of course. Candice doesn't check the girls for weapons; odd they passed up to feel up each other. Someone's slipping! On the same note, Mickie's actually wearing a skirt that's long enough to cover up something. Lockup, Mickie forces stick figure Torrie into the corner. Break - no, Mickie will slap here. Candice protests, and Torrie slaps back. Mickie rolls to the apron, and Torrie dropkicks her out. Mickie thrown back in, but she knees Torrie as she tries to get in. Mickie tells Candice to start counting already. Nice of Mickie to help her count, because I don't know about Candice ever getting to ten. Torrie sticks his head in the ropes, so Mickie yanks her in by her hair. Face into the mat. Cover for one. Stomp. Mickie would prefer a faster count. Torrie rammed backed in the corner. Forearms to the midsection. Corner whip, Torrie hops out over the charge and get a cradle, one two no. Horrible, horrible clotheslines by Torrie, an a dropkick which really isn't much better. Reversal sequence which doesn't look so good, and Mickie tries a fisherman's suplex (didn't look good either, probably should've been passed up here.) Candice is slow to get down in position and actually slapping her own backside instead of the mat for god knows what reason. I guess this is a two count, though it should've been more. Mickie complains to Candice about her idiocy, and I think she's got completely valid comments here. Torrie sneaks in a swinging neckbreaker, and Candice elects to count this cover like a sane person, getting to two before Torrie kicks out. I think, in Mickie's mind, she's heard Candice pound the mat for Torrie's cover but not her own and figures Candice is screwing with her, so Mickie corners Candice. They argue, Candice moves, and Torrie hits Mickie with another lame clothesline. Please, pass all necessary laws to prevent Torrie from ever doing a clothesline again. Thank you. Mickie miraculously falls into position for the Stink Face, which isn't actually called the Stink Face but Todd doesn't know that. Torrie goes for Lana Star's finisher, but Mickie escapes, kick, point, jumping DDT. She's dead. One two - uh, Candice, any time here, we're waiting - finally, a reluctant three. (3:06) How is Mickie the heel here? They must be turning her. Mickie would like her arm raised. She takes a bow, thanks the fans, and goes to pick Torrie back up. Candice decides she's going to overpower Mickie and stop her. Mickie relents, lets Candice check on Torrie, and then decks her with a standing spinning heel kick as Candice turns around! Yay Mickie. Blow a kiss. What a wonderful woman. Take another bow! I guess she's gotta move on from using Trish's Moves if Trish is moving on. 

DX DVD ad. If you really want to be like DX, you'll steal this off the internet.

Lita crazily knocks on a door, and other stuff. How dare Randy Orton use a wrestling maneuver on a participant in a wrestling match! I have not been this shocked and disturbed since the Dudley Boys gave Beluah a gentle 3D. (1:25)

Fanatic: HOF

World Tag Team Champions The One With The Headband and The One A Little Too Into The Cheering (w/the other ones) vs Val Venis & Gene Snitsky (544 pounds) in a non-title match - Which two is it going to be? I bet Val and Snitsky were very disappointed not to be in the #1 contender match. Instead, they spend a lot of time checking out women (and/or their feet) on the way to the ring. Your ref is Chad. Are they going to tell us which one at some point here? Have they even decided? This is the special long version of Val's music, which is cool for me. Finally. Kenny and Val to start. Kenny with a headlock. Kenny shot off, back with a shoulderblock. Kenny pauses to note he has the belt and mock Val's hipswivel. Kenny to the ropes - no, Val trips him on to his nose.  Val off the ropes, shoulderblock, off the ropes, shoulderblock. off the ropes, shoulderblock, Val shows him how to do the hipswivel. Kenny is grossed out. Val with a armdrag, armbar. Kenny knees his way free. Tag to Mikey, who runs right into a hiptoss. Armbar. Tag to Snitsky. It's so sad when brothers fight. Forearm to Mikey's arm. Snitsky works him over with kicks. Snitsky with a corner whip, but charges into Mikey's double boots. Mikey is so much smaller than his OVW-relative, but his rights do have a limited effect. Whip, reversed, blind tag by Kenny as Mikey takes a shoulderblock. Oh, I guess not a tag - they're saying Kenny was too far from the corner. Snitsky over Mikey on the drop down, Mikey tries a hiptoss on the next pass, Snitsky blocks it and gets his own. Kenny is having a hard time understanding why he can't go in. Snitsky with a scoop, wave for the crowd, and a slam. Off the ropes, elbow drop. One two no. Whip, there's the most obvious blind tag ever, just so Kenny is sure it's good this time. Mikey gets in an arm ringer, and Kenny adds a dropkick. One two no. Elbow to Snitsky's right arm, and an arm smash into the mat. Guess they're working the left arm. And another. Kenny holds onto the arm and tags so Mikey can stomp it. Forearm to the arm. Hammerlock, back bend snap of the arm. Sorta like an Indian deathlock on the arm. Armbar, and Snitsky tries to rally back with the crowd. Snitsky fights out of the armbar with punches, and I'm not really sure how Mikey could possibly be holding out. Snitsky gets loose, Mikey gets a leg, Snitsky kinda kicks him away, they repeat so it looks better (yes and no), Mikey dives to tag in Kenny, and Kenny uses Snitsky as a springboard to knock Val off the apron. Kenny stomps Snitsky's arm, and waves in Mikey as Val argues the illegalness. Double team stomping briefly, and Kenny covers, one two no. Snitsky's arm wrapped around the post. Snitsky's arm slammed into apron by a Spirit Squad member - they're taking great pains to look more individual this week, with one having no straps and one having a wacky backwards visor, and I can tell them apart less than usual. Kenny puts on a kneeling elbowlock of some variety. Watching Snitsky get a body part worked over is so incredibly thrilling. Did they not trust him to do the hot tag part without killing anyone? Snitsky starts to rally back, but Kenny kicks him in the back of the leg to keep him down, and rings the arm. Kenny tries to cheap shot Val, but Val blocks it and punches him. Kenny stumbles around, but then opts to hold Snitsky in place, and tag in Mikey for an elbow drop. Knee smash to the bad left arm. Tag to Kenny to continue working over the arm, as the crowd chants Spirit Squad Sucks. Armbar. The opener beat expectations. This match, not so much. Snitsky fighting out again, and this time gets it with a backdrop. Make the freaking tag. Tag to Mikey is not what I mean. There's the the tag to Val. Right hand, Right hand, clothesline, clothesline, slam, Val pumped up, kick suplex. Forearm for Mikey, clothesline ducks and Val lands the half nelson slam. One two Kenny breaks it up. Snitsky in to get Kenny. Right for Kenny, setting up for the boot, Kenny drops down and pulls down the top rope with him. Snitsky is crotched, and Kenny dropkicks him out. As Kenny and Mikey recover, Mitch and Nicky jump on to the apron to distract everyone, so Johnny can slip in for a jumping spin kick to Val's head. Kenny to the middle rope, Mikey onto his shoulders - middle rope forward electric chair suplex onto Val. (They fell forward to splash him from a high height.) One two three. (7:41) 

Triple H vs Vince on RAW. That's it.