Phenomenal Gregory Helms (Smithfield, NC, 215 pounds) vs Tajiri (Japan, 206 pounds) - Tajiri with extra bows to the crowd on the ramp, and in the ring. Coach acknowledges that this is Tajiri's last match of his WWE career. Your ref is Jack. Circle. Lockup, Helms with a headlock takedown, Tajiri with a headscissors reversal, standoff. Lockup, Tajiri with a hammerlock, Helms reverse to an armbar. Coach talked to Tajiri earlier, and they agreed to let bygones be bygones. That's awful big of Coach. (I'm sad Tajiri didn't spray him with mist one last time.) Tajiri rolls and handstands to a reversal, spins Helms down, and kicks him in the spine. Helms is all "yea, good on you, you're going to have to die now." Lockup, Helms with a waistlock. Tommy Dreamer is such a bad announcer, Coach is appalled. Think about THAT. Tajiri elbows out, but Helms pulls him down by his hair. Stomps. Corner whip, Helms charges in, and that's how you get into the Tarantula. It's happens to Helms once or twice, so he knows to turn and slip free, forearming Tajiri in the back and throws him out. Helms out after him, leaning him on the barricade for some forearms in the back. Coach mentions beating Tajiri HERE. Helms rolls Tajiri back in, and drops an axhandle on his back. One two no. Right. Corner whip, Helms charges in, Tajiri gets up a boot, Helms catches it and throws it down, Tajiri is on him with knife edge chops. Helms is able to shove him back into the corner, but charges into the Tarantula once again - but again, Helms slips out before it's locked on. This time, Helms pulls Tajiri off the ropes into the middle of the ring, but Tajiri lands on his feet and nails Helms with the reverse thrust kick. Helms gets up but is staggered, and Tajiri works him over with kicks. Whip, reversed, and there's the handspring elbow. One two NO. Tajiri with right hands. Corner whip, Helms gets in his bollo uppercut on the charge. Helms to the middle rope, seated Tornado DDT is shoved off by Tajiri, Helms charges at him again, and Tajiri tries the Tarantula for the third time - he's got it! Tajiri setting up for it, waiting for Helms to get in position (Coach: "Japanese Shining Wizard" - you're a moron, Coach), Buzzsaw Kick is ducked, Helms gets an inverted atomic drop and THAT is the Shining Wizard. One two three. (3:21) Crowd collectively goes "aw". We watch Helms posing for a while - long enough for Coach and Dreamer to stop talking as if it's the end of the segment, then start talking again (perhaps to clip this part out?) - but Helms leaves without incident. 

Tajiri's standing in the center of the ring. He's bowing to the crowd. Talking? "So, this is my last match in WWE. [boos] I go back to Japan. But, I really enjoyed last five year, thank you for you guys, thank you for ECW! thank you for WWE! thank you for WCW! GOODBYE!" Thanks, Tajiri. 

Elimination Chamber qualifications (2:00)

Snitsky & Tomko (585 pounds) vs the Heat Throbs (Panama City, FL, 445 pounds) - your ref is whatever they're calling Mickey J. Dreamer STILL talks over the ring announcement. This won't be happy. Antonio and Snitsky start. Antonio ducks the lockup and goes to work with leg kicks. Single leg takedown is not going to work, and he's forearmed down. Scoop, slam - no, Romeo comes in to pull Antonio to safety, Antonio tries an inside cradle, and Romeo assists with a dropkick. One NO. Antonio runs for his life, and Snitsky doesn't leave the ring. Snitsky: "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?" I think he's referring to Antonio's victory dance. Tomko's tagged in and he goes for Antonio, now on the ring apron. Antonio stops him with a knee, slingshot sunset flip, Tomko's not going, but Romeo gets him over with a slingshot cross body - Nick saw all of this and refuses to count till Romeo leaves, and by then it's only a one. Tag to Romeo, who charges into a clothesline. Tomko gets hyped up. Tag to Snitsky. Tomko holds Romeo for a Snitsky big boot, and it actually works. Right hand. Slam. Elbow drop. Tag to Tomko. Romeo is trying to crawl for a hospital, but he' snot going to make it. Tomko beats him down some. Coach has admitted he can't remember what the Heart Throbs catchphrase is, which guy has which name, and now just called the one in the ring "Romero." Coach is a paid professional! Snitsky tagged back in. Romeo thrown into the corner for some kicks. Corner whip, backdrop on the rebound, Snitsky covers, one two Antonio break sit up. Romeo gets in a jawbreaker, but can he make the tag? No. Tomko gets tagged in and knocks him down with a forearm. Tomko slaps Romeo in the face, and then threatens to do the same to Antonio, but Antonio drops off the apron. Romeo gets in a headbutt to the midsection, and Antonio (without a tag) adds an top rope axhandle to the back. Double whip, double back elbow, double duck Tyson's clothesline, and double jumping shoulderblock. Double dropkick for Snitsky as he comes in, and the Heart Throbs are all fired up. Dreamer calls the referee "Mickey J" which is wrong, but I'm not going to disagree. Coach says Dreamer is responsible for bringing Mickey J in, and Dreamer's confused. So am I, really. Wacky leapfrog splash. Romeo's going for corner punches on Snitsky while Antonio is forced back to wait in his corner for a tag. Romeo gets to two before Snitsky shoves him off, and Tomko nails him with a boot to the head. Snitsky gives Antonio an awful boot to the head to take care of him, and that's one two three. (3:44) Snitsky and Tomko beating each other up is making it really hard for Mickey to raise their arms.

Trevor Murdoch (Wacahachie, TX, 240 pounds) vs Val Venis (Las Vegas, NV, 244 pounds) - Coach: "In true Todd Grisham fashion, it's time for the maiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin event." Dreamer is an annoying dork here, as he marks out for Val On Heat. Val looking to give the towel to someone, anyone - wow, that girl is freaking out about getting Val Venis' towel. Coach: "He's from Canada, not Arkansas - why would his sister be that excited to see him?" Uh huh. Lockup, Val with a hammerlock, Trevor backs him into the ropes, break. Trevor loudly complains about the slowness of that break. Lockup, Trevor with a headlock, back into a hammerlock, shoving Val back off. Circle. Lockup, Val with an armbar, Trevor punches him in the face to escape. Headlock. 

Tommy: "Do you think Trevor Murdoch could've made it as an adult film star?"
Coach: "I've seen a lot of adult films. You know this."

Trevor shot off, back with a shoulderblock. "THAT'S HOW YOU KNOCK SOMEONE DOWN!" Trevor off the ropes, over, Val goes for a punch, and Trevor ducks out of the ring. Val out after him, and Trevor is unaware, until he turns into a punch. Val throws Trevor back in. Chop. Whip, Running knee, whip, running knee, Russian legsweep, one two no. Corner whip, reversed, Trevor charges into a back elbow. Val goes up, but Trevor crotches him. Hangman neckbreaker looks very painful. Trevor celebrates Val's head trauma. One two no. Stomp. Trevor sets up Val in the corner, and lays in him with standing corner clotheslines. Boot choke. Ugly looking snap mare, kneeling chinlock looks odd. Val trying to draw from the fans, fans could care less. Trevor with an armbar. Forearms to the back while the hold is on. Mike Choida is asking Val if he want to give - but oddly, he does not. Working this armbar for a long time. These two have no particular timing together - Val is staring his comeback with elbows just as Trevor starts forearming him in the back again. They get it together enough for Val to elbow out, and Trevor to land the debilitating forearm to the upper back. Whip, head down too soon, and Val kicks it - causing them both to collapse. Uh huh. Trevor up first, and he nails Val with a boot to the head. Val pulling himself up and punching Trevor. Whip, clothesline. Back elbow, right, chop, corner whip, charging clothesline, fisherman's suplex one two NO. Val with some mounted punches, and now he's calling for the finish. Up top. Money Shot, no one home. Trevor going up, top rope bulldog - Coach is amazed, even though this is his finish. One two three. (5:48) Dreamer thinks Val should stop using the Money Shot, because he never hits it. That's helpful.

That's it.