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WWE VELOCITY RECAP
Kash Money
October 17, 2005

by The Cubs Fan
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

the power is back
 
No Mercy recap - probably the one from SmackDown I still haven't watched. (I think my TiVo ate it.) Note the World Title match is not as important as the Undertaker/Orton angle. Credit to the hard working camera crew for finding three shocked people about that turn f events (1:17)

open

 
Simon Dean (Clearwater, FL, 210 w/Deano Machino, black cast) vs mr. microphone -
did Tony Chimel actually say 210? I've listened to that twice, and it's still not right. Your hosts are Romero and Josh, by the way. "Last Sunday, at No Mercy, you people had a big laugh, didn't you. You people had a big laugh at my expense. You people thought it was really hysterically funny that Bobby Lashley had me eat twenty disgusting, fattening double cheeseburgers. Oh yea, you thought it was real funny, big joke, huh? Well, I was a man of my word, and I ate all twenty of those disgusting cheeseburgers, and they made me sick to my stomach! But, thank, thank god, I had my patented Simon System, because if I hadn't used it, then those disgusting pieces of protein would've made me fat disgusting losers, like all of you. Yea, big joke, huh? Well, tonight, the joke is going to be on my opponent, Paul London, because unfortunately for Mr. London, I still have a few calories left to burn. SO Paul London, Simon Says get your [BLEEP] out here!"

Simon Dean vs Paul London (Austin, TX, 195 pounds) - London does a couple of Hindu squats before running to the ring. Why is London carrying a shirt (?) to the ring? Josh talks about his Simon Dean-like healthy eating; his body's so not used to that awful fat and chemicals, if he even smells fast food, it makes him sick. So, next time you see Josh, taunt him with some McDonald's fries or something. Oh, Paul had a prop inside the shirt - another cheeseburger. Simon is not amused. Neither is your referee, Mister James Korderas. Paul takes a bite. Josh takes a shot at Ontario! Simon charges Paul and Paul THROWS THE BURGER AT HIM! Quite a show we have here. Hindu squats. Ring the bell already. Dean charges again, and gets kicked in the gut. There's the bell, finally. Hiptoss, armdrag, armbar. Simon with a corner whip, London with kip up and out, back to the armdrag and armbar. Simon battling up, Paul twists the arm, twists the arm, twists the arm, untwists the other arm, twists the other arm - Simon's had just about enough of this, and goes to the hairpull. London easily back heel trips Simon down to the mat, holding onto the armbar. At least he's working the arm with the cast on it. Simon backs him into the ropes, and gets in a knee to get free. Whip, London slides under, powerslam, one two NO. London with a kick, corner whip, London charges in with a forearm, Simon backdrops him to the apron, London gets in forearms from there. Simon moves abut inch backwards, barely moving his elbow, and that's enough to make Korderas take a bump and check his eye. Ew. Simon is free to get in the eye poke now, and smashes London into the turnbuckle. Korderas is back and checking on the situation. Simon sneaks past him out, finding the cheeseburger and throwing at London. Simon gets it back, stuffs it in London's mouth, and kicks him in the midsection. That's not good for digestion. Back in. One, no. Simon kicking him and talking to him, I don't know what's worse. Simon tries to go for a cast punch, but Korderas hooks the arm. Simon turns to argue, and manages a heel kick while he's there. Simon celebrates, takes his time listening to warnings, and charges into a kick. London sunset flip one two NO. Simon up first, but London punches his way up. Whip, reversed, London slides under - no, Simon drops on him with a knee to stop it. Josh says he gets to ride the Dean Machine if Simon wins. Well, now I know who to root for. Simon ties the legs and pulls back the arms - there's the Curbstomp. Simon pleased about that as always. One two NO. Seated abdominal stretch variant. Simon quickly escaping with knees and shinkicks. Still not up, but he's keeping Dean way with kicks. Back up, and laying in the mid kicks to both sides. Off the ropes, clothesline, clothesline, wheel kick clocks Simon good. London is fired up. Whip, reversed, spinning enziguri one two NO. London a bit frustrated. Corner whip, reversed, Simon charges into a back elbow, London goes to the middle rope, Mushroom Stomp. As London goes back to the Hindu squats, Dean reaches for his back - but takes a dropsault back into the corner. Inside cradle one two NO. London can't believe it. London trips up Dean, standing shooting star press - hits cast! London is dazed. Simonizer! One two three. (5:05) Josh gets to ride the Dean Machine! Perhaps that cast will be staying with us for a while. Maybe he can talk to Randy's dad about that.

Kid Kash (200 pounds) vs - he still has the Kid Rock knockoff music, but he's wearing the yellow tights instead of the typical look. Oh yea, he talked.

"You know, I've competed all around this world. If you ask anybody who's witnessed Kid Kash in action, they will tell you, the facts are, I am the most dynamic cruiserweight in the world. But here in the WWE, all the big buzz is about Rey Mysterio and the Mexicools, well, I'm here to tell you, there's a new buzz, and it's about me - the K-I-D."

Kid Kash vs Funaki (Japan, 208 pounds) - Josh hypes the 'Instant Action' WWE.com footage. Clap. Circle. Lockup. We talk about Kash and Josh wrestling in XWF (without saying XWF - they may be talking about other occasions as well) and I'm truly frightened I recall that. ECW is said. Your ref is Nick. Lockup, Funaki armbar. Twist. Wristlock. Kash elbows his way into a reversal. Funaki reveres, into a headlock. Kash elbowing free, armbar on Funaki, headlock on Funaki. Funaki trying to elbow out. Kash shot off, under, into a Funaki dropkick. Funaki headlock takedown. Kash gets his shoulder down for one, twice. Back up to their feet. Taking their time battling over this. Kash with an armbar, whip, reversed, Funaki puts his head down too soon and Kash uses the hair to throw him down. One two no. Punches to the head. Patrick has to explain about no closed fists. Kash with a corner whip, quick reverse, Kash spun down and Funaki gets his headlock back. Kash with a whip, reversed, Kash goes under and Kash lands a backflip kick. Josh says that's the Bankroll. One two no. On Funaki's back and pounding him in the back of the head. This time, Kash tells Nick to shut up rather than listen to him about the closed fists. Knees to the side. Snap mare, kick to the spine. Kneeling chinlock. Funaki rallying back with a little help from the fans. Kash gets a forearm to the back in, which normally would seem to stop it, but Funaki keeps on going to the punch exchange. Kash gets the better of the one punch. Kash with a whip, Funaki breaks it, slam, Kash slips behind and snaps Funaki backwards into a backbreaker. One two NO. Kash not happy with the count. Face smushed into the mat. Kneeling chinlock. Funaki rallying up with the crowd again. Funaki shoves him off, kick catch enziguri. Both slow up. Turnbuckle smash by Funaki. Corner whip, reversed, Funaki goes in hard, Kash walks into a boot. Funaki right. Right. Right. Whip, backdrop. Funaki slow to follow, because he's tired. Funaki's family is here tonight! Bulldog! One two NO. Funaki jumping mad. Going up. Kash up and stumbling around confused. He turns towards Funaki, and Funaki lands the cross body one two NO. Funaki claps. This is it. Corner whip, Kash goes up to the middle rope, boots Funaki as he charges in, up to the top, moonsault bodyblock just barely makes it! One two NO. Kash forearms Funaki in the back and works him over. Corner whip, Kash charges into aback elbow. Funaki to the middle rope. SLAP. Calling for it. Will he actually hit it? Rising - no, Kash slips out before we even start. Kash scoops him off the top rope. Cradle neckbreaker. That'll do it. One two three. (7:32) I keep waiting for Josh to drop the name, but no. Kash is still mad.

WWE.com exclusive: Next week, I look forward to facing Booker T in the ring. Not Booker T and Sharmell. If it wasn't for Sharmell, Booker T would not be facing Chris Benoit for the United States Title next week on SmackDown! [audio of finish] But the fact of the matter is, it is Booker T vs Chris Benoit. I'm going to walk in champion, and I'm going to walk out champion. 

Up Next: Randy Orton vs Eddie Guerrero

Highlights from the match. What does Long care about the strength of Eddie and Batista's friendship? If Eddie turns on him next week, isn't Batista still a sucker? (1:17) Good job on the length, though.

Sylvan Grenier (Montreal, QC, 250 pounds, w/highlights from No Mercy) vs Bob Hardcore Holly (Mobile, Alabama, 242 pounds) - So if we see the ribs attacked here, does it matter later? This is a PPV caliber match! Fight starts immediately - Sylvan charges Hardcore but gets the worst of the exchange. Whip, backdrop. Right. Clothesline out. Chop at the barricades. Chop there. Chop, knocking Sylvan over the barricade. Hardcore breaks the counts, then climbs up the steps to pose. Sylvan collected back over the barricade. Chop. Thrown back in. Hardcore back in. Hardcore kick. Chop. Sylvan actually getting kicks and punches in! Corner whip, reversed, Hardcore squashed him with a corner clothesline. Sylvan out, Hardcore out, Sylvan in, Hardcore gets dropkicked on the way in. That kinda things must've happened a thousand times to Hardcore by now. Hardcore run into the apron chest first, so maybe the ribs do matter? Chop. Back in. LOUD Holly chant. Kneedrop. Sylvan's annoyed at the chant. Eye gouging and general chokery. Pose. He's a professional. Corner whip. Sylvan with a running knee to the midsection. Stomps. Back suplex. One two NO. Sylvan picks up Hardcore, and he chops back. Crowd is loud for Hardcore through out. Sylvan stops him with a knee, and covers one two no. Legs spread, stomp to the midsection. Someone BETTER have Best Of 7 footage this week. I'll make sure to watch if they promise that. Boston Crab, which is an unusual way to work the ribs. I mean, I'm sure it works, but it wouldn't have been my first pick. Hardcore crawling, pulled back, stopped for a while, and now crawling again. Your ref is Brian, by the way. He's going to make? He's going to make it. You might want to pull him back Sylvan - oh, too late. Sylvan looks just as tired as Hardcore right now. Back to punches. Whip, reversed, there's the dropkick. Josh: "It's giving Hardcore Holly space - to explode on you!" Both on their way up. Sylvan's punch is caught and turned into the half nelson release suplex. Holly crawls on top (Romero: "the rollup!") one two NO. Corner whip, Sylvan with quick reverse into a knee. Whip, Sylvan with a flapjack, kip up and strut, much to the crowd's disapproval. I try, but I can't stop looking at that wedgie. Sylvan trying a suplex, reversed into a small package one two THREE. (7:18) Sylvan can't believe it, then can believe and decides to make sure Hardcore can believe his kick hurts. Out for a chair. This surely won't backfire. Swing - oh, no, Hebner got it. See, we have to do the slam, so Hardcore scoops him up, and Alabama Slam onto the chair. I'm sure there was a point to that.

SmackDown!: Chris Benoit vs Booker T [US]
SmackDown!: Eddie & Batista vs Ortons

that's it.

E-MAIL THE CUBS FAN
VIEW THE WWE VELOCITY ARCHIVES


  
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