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Paul London's Most Non-Non-Non-
Triumphant Return

November 29, 2004

by The Cubs Fan
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Litany of excuses for being late last week: Sick, unexpected travel, used the wrong e-mail address, not really interested in the WWE product, not really interested in MY product. Pick you favorite!
OH NO HE'S GOING TO KILL THEM WITH FLAMING KABOBS! You really shouldn't wear something that catches on fire that easily if you're going to try that homicide method. This is my favorite "last two minutes of a Bond Movie that I catch before Velocity", if only for the completely unbelievable flip and explosion.

TV PG V CC entertainment open 

Basham Brothers (Columbus, OH, 495 pounds) vs Paul London & Funaki (408 pounds) - In my dream world, if one of the Tough Enough kids had gotten by Doug and Danny, they would've done the breakup angle right then - and if you want to pretend they're just booking very subtly, you can imagine that winning the Tough Enough Capture The Flag challenge brought them back together as a team. Your announcers are Bill (red! he's jumping to RAW! oh no!) and Josh (tie! oh no!) Bill gives Josh an assortment of looks.

And now, a one act play called: "Josh takes his life in his own hands."
Josh: "From the looks of things, you've had a whole lot of turkey."
[pause for Funaki/London intro] 
Josh: "Just kidding." 
Bill: "What did you mean by that?" 
Josh: "I mean - you love Thanksgiving. I know you LOVE Thanksgiving."
Bill: "Let me get back to you on that."
[pause for Brought To You By ads]
Bill: "So what you're thinking is you think I eat a lot of turkey."
Josh: [stumbling] "I think, you might love turkey."
Bill: "I'm a vegetarian."
Josh: "I didn't know that about you."
Bill: "Well, after my meat's done, I eat my vegetables." 
Josh (and surely somewhere, Tazz) laughs 

Funaki and Paul London enter to a song that is not Hey You. Bill can't remember why we haven't seen London around for a while; probably not the only one. Doug and Paul start off, lockup, and Paul is forced into the corner. Nick Patrick orders a break, but Doug gets in some forearms on the way out. Doug trash talks. London stands there and gets kicked. Forearm. Snap mare, chinlock, immediately escaped into a hammerlock by London. Up to their feet, London with a headlock, Basham reversing to a top wristlock, London takes a couple steps and tries to flip out into a headscissors, but misses on the headscissors and falls to the mat. Doug treats it just like he would if his opponent missed a move normally, and tries for an easy cover one no. Doug with a headlock, shot off, back with a shoulderblock. Josh and Bill discuss "What's Up With The Bashams?", though Josh attempts to steer Bill away from the Velocity fighting towards the random SD! appearance. Doug forces Paul into the corner, and tags in Danny for some pounding. Kick. Whip, London slides under, forearm, forearm, forearm, forearm, off the ropes, Danny beheads him with a clothesline. Josh: "ruthless aggression!" Nick checks to see if London is still with it, but Danny just adds an elbow drop. Tag to Doug, camel clutch/kick to the face combo. Doug adds a legdrop, one tow no. Tag to Danny. Bill: "Bashams are like Ole and Arn Anderson." Right. Danny kicking Paul in the face a lot. Paul wants a tag, gets an elbow drop. Danny smashes the back of London's head into the mat repeatedly. Funaki wanders over on the apron to protest, and Danny knocks him off. At least he finally got involved. Funaki wants in more, but Nick holds him back while Danny holds Doug for more punches to the head. Doug puts London in the corner for a big corner chop. Snap mare, seated full nelson by Danny. London trying to rally back, crowd quietly with him, London tries to footstomp his way out, doesn't work and he gets forearm down. Danny with a whip, hiptoss blocked, London turns into a backslide. Danny fights it all the way down, trying to make a tag to Doug, and his boot hitting Doug's hand is considered good enough. London doesn't know, and holds the pin while Doug comes in and kicks him in the ribs. Dropkick to the head. Headbutt drop to the head! I think the Bashams remember why Paul London was out! Whip, back elbow. Stomp. Funaki yelling for the tag, but London is too busy grabbing his head to make the tag. Doug drags London back into his corner so Danny can tag in. Big forearm to the back. Danny with a chop. Whip, head down too soon, London kicks it. London tries to stumble over for a tag, but Danny grabs his legs like this is a new game of Capture the Funaki! Doug comes in to join in on the fun, but London manages to squirm free - tag to Funaki! Right to Doug, right to Danny, right to Doug, right to Danny, dropkick to Doug's knee, bulldog to Danny, dropkick to Doug's face! Funaki is rapidly running out of moves! Punches for Danny, who's the legal Basham. Whip, reversed, kick catch enziguri one two Doug breaks it up. London in - London DOWN, thanks to a Last Impression. Those two head to the floor, and Danny stops Funaki with a kneelift. Danny makes a move exposing a tremendous lack of scouting, as he seats Funaki on the top rope. Of course the next punch from Danny is blocked, and of course Funaki hits his. Rising Sun is shoved off (it never works! maybe he did have a plan!) and we have a repeat of last week - Doug shows up from nowhere and knocks Funaki towards Danny with a jumping knee before returning to nowhere, and Danny finishes him off with the twisting double choke bomb one two three. (5:43) Josh: "Danny Basham calls that Brain Damage!" Ha. I wonder which way I should spell it. This time, the Bashams do not argue over who won that match.

Tonight: Chavo Guerrero, Shannon Moore, Nunzio vs Akio, Spike Dudley and Billy Kidman! Wow!
Pick your wise crack
a) Two thirds of the division in one match! It's RAW Woman's division-rific!
b) I guess Shannon's a face this week!
c) I guess they ran out of heel cruiserweights, and so London and Funaki got that match 
d) They had to keep Akio around - they'd be almost out of heel cruiserweights otherwise.

Though, not to hate on Shannon, but it really should be Akio/Spike/Kidman vs Nunzio/Chavo/???, and then hilarious backstage talking between Chavo and Nunzio should lead to Paul London's surprise return. And to put a bow on it, Chavo can say London was his friend who talked him into coming back, and they were arguing because London wanted to return much sooner but Chavo thought it was unwise. All wrapped up nicely. I mean, I rather these things turn into epic arching storylines, but also I rather they blow off on Velocity rather than to forget about it.

Up Next: Who's out of Tough Enough? (Viewers! hahahaha oh I kill me)

Also Daniel Rodimer. You know, I've never eeeeever watched American Idol, but I believe the show is for people who'd like to sing for a living, and to have the people at home decide on who should go on, they have them sing. We have only the slightest clue on how well these people can do professional wrestling. Makes no sense to me. If I cared about this, I might point out that between Mike's diary and their interaction during arm wrestling, you can tell there's two groups of buddies left, and the two groups aren't getting along well. I'd be shocked if they didn't try to exploit that. They do not include Mike telling the crowd to boo him, which was a pretty entertaining tilt. (5:31)

Tonight: Chavo Guerrero, Shannon Moore, Nunzio vs Akio, Spike Dudley and Billy Kidman

SmackDown! Live - hey, Cena's back in 'em
11/28 - North Charleston, SC [holla holla]
11/29 - Raleigh, NC [holla holla]
11/30 - Richmond, VA [SD!]
12/04 - Worcester, MA [holla holla]
12/05 - Madison Square Garden [holla holla]

WWE Slam of the Week, brought to you by Subway: Luther Reigns interupts Big Show's Thanksgiving.

Luther Reigns & Mark Jindrak (558 pounds) vs Rory McAlister and A1 (491 pounds, already in the ring) - That guy has some GREAT sauce. Bill is bitter he wasn't invited to the party. Jindrak and A1 to start. A1 backed into the corner. Check out Jindrak's abs. Check out Jindrak's loud slap to the face. Jimmy Korderas is scared off by that one. Slam. Elbow drop, elbow drop, elbow drop, elbow drop. Does Luther want in? Sure. Kick. Forearm to the back of A1's head. Thrown down by the back of his head, Luther leaving him there so he can tag in Rory. Rory is not wearing the kilt this time. Lockup, and Luther knocks down Rory via headbutt. Hard back hand  to Rory's head. Forearm. Stomp. Release butterfly suplex. Stomp. Luther puts a foot on Rory while he discusses a tag with Jindrak, and is taken by surprise when Korderas starts counting Rory down and Rory gets a shoulder up. That ticks off Luther, so no tag. Rory set up on the top rope, and Luther kicks him over to the floor. Luther distracts Korderas so Jindrak can throw Rory into the ring. Luther covers - one two three. (2:17) Odd finish, but they didn't really need to go longer. A1 in to check on Rory, and punished for it - stone cold left hand. Turning Point: Luther and Jindrak firing each other before the match. Okay. Josh has to figure out which desert alliteration nickname he wants to use with Luther.

Up Next: highlights from the SD! main event tag match

Josh and Bill explain the Fatal Four Way for Armageddon, and how it led to the main event tag team match
And the match. I think I'm going to have to get used to OJ with hair, but they probably have enough bald guys. The way he landed right on his shoulder off the chokeslam nearly meant he would be around for me to get used to it. (5:29)

Armageddon: Undertaker vs Eddie Guerrero vs JBL (c) vs Booker T for the WWE Championship
Armageddon: RVD & Rey Mysterio vs Kenzo Suzuki & Rene Dupree (c) for the WWE Tag Team Championship 

Up Next: Chavo Guerrero, Shannon Moore, Nunzio vs Akio, Spike Dudley and Billy Kidman

thug life Billy Kidman (Allentown, PA, 215 pounds - and a new jacket!), Akio (Japan, 200 pounds) and WWE Cruiserweight Champion Spike Dudley (150 pounds) vs Shannon Moore (Raleigh, NC, 207 pounds), Nunzio (169 pounds), Chavo Guerrero (El Paso, TX, 213 pounds) - Splendid in red. Wow, all six entrances. I expected at least two people to get none. We remember Shannon beat Akio last week. Nunzio's entrance has been changed from "FBI" to "NUNZIO." Speaking of things that don't exist any more, Bill wonders how Spike can be the Boss, when there's no there Dudleyz. You know, if you didn't have the internet and only knew people were gone because they stopped being mentioned, you probably would think they got cut somewhere along here too. Except if you just heard Bill and Josh talking about them. Billy and Chavo still have issues, which devolves into fierce pointing! Your ref is Brian Hebner. Nunzio and Akio starts, as Bill deems this UN like. I wonder which country Shannon represents. Lockup, Nunzio with an armbar takedown, back up to their feet, Nunzio trips Akio down for a zero cover. Both up, Akio rushes into a fireman's carry, one count kickout. Standoff. Shove by Akio. Shove by Nunzio. Akio charges into an armdrag, cross armbreaker - Akio blocks as Josh still doesn't know it's not a fujiwara armbar. Akio manages to get free, rolling Nunzio onto his back on getting on top. Float over into a front facelock, Nunzio escapes into a waistlock, Akio backs Nunzio into the corner for a break, double kangaroo kick by Akio! Akio stomps Nunzio down. Corner whip, charge in, Nunzio moves, Akio's Tiger Mask Flip actually fits the match as a counter!, but then he gets dropped by a Russian legsweep anyway. One two NO. Tag to Shannon. Double whip, Nunzio drop toe hold, Shannon leg drop. One two NO. Tag to Chavo. Double whip, double boot to the midsection Shannon swinging neckbreaker, Chavo with a rolling senton! One two no. The prolificness of combo moves in six man tags is such an underrated feature. Akio manages to get a kneelift in on Chavo, and desperately tags out to Spike. Spike charges into Chavo hiptoss and an armbar. Spike reaches to his corner, and he's close enough to Billy Kidman to make a tag if Billy sticks his arm out. Billy, noticing Chavo's in the ring, opts not to tag.  Spike gets closer, and Kidman declines. Spike frees himself with a kneelift, but runs into a hiptoss. Kidman charges Chavo while he's looking at Spike, but Chavo calmly tosses him out of the ring. Akio tries his luck with a charge, and gets backdropped to the apron. Akio manages to sneak in a forearm to knock Chavo down, but Nunzio rushes over and knocks Akio off the apron with an elbow. Nunzio spots Kidman getting up on the floor - apron dive plancha! At the same time, Shannon goes to the top rope - top rope plancha on Akio! Break. (2:22)

Back, and from the looks of everyone still picking themselves up from the floor, without having cut much. Chavo is picking Spike back up, and dropping him with a European uppercut. Spike gets in a thumb to the eye and an inverted atomic drop as we take a look at the planchas. Chavo sneaks in a kick as Spike comes off the ropes, and loads him up for the Gory Bomb - but Kidman is back in to break it up with a dropkick. Spike still got dropped hard, but Chavo landed harder, so Kidman will take in that tag. Stomping, forearming, choking on the middle rope. Fans have naughty words to chant at Kidman, causing him to leave the choking to Spike for a moment so he can yell at them. Back to Chavo, snap mare, kneeling step over armbar to war down. Chavo trying to rallying form the crowd and succeeding. Chavo gets an arm free and knees Kidman a couple times. off the ropes, sliding under Kidman, and knocking him down with a European Uppercut. Now Chavo will try to make the tag - and now Kidman will stop him with a big back elbow!  Kidman drags Chavo over towards Akio for a tag. Akio comes in stomping. Chavo's picked up - no, Chavo small package one two NO. Akio up and wheel kicking Chavo right in the face. Akio inside cradle, one two NO. Tag to Spike, Akio holds Chavo open for a Spike kick. Spike throws Chavo out, then dares Nunzio and Shannon to try and take him on. Brian Hebner is too busy trying to stop that from happening to notice Akio and Kidman stomping Chavo down on the outside. Spike covers, and Brian turns around to notice, one two no. Spike with a chinlock. Elbow to the head as Shannon and Nunzio get the crowd behind Chavo. Chavo drawing from the crowd. Elbow, elbow, Spike stops that with a forearm. Chavo sent into the corner, tag to Akio. Akio triple kick combo. Boot choke in the corner. Akio is backed out of the corner, so Spike and Kidman get in their own choke. Akio with a choke over the top rope. Tag to Kidman. Kick, kick, scoop and slam. Kidman to the apron - slingshot legdrop! One two NO. Fans express the opinion that Kidman Sucks. Kick. Snap mare, kick to the back. Kidman backs up like he's getting room for a big move, then spins and knocks Nunzio off the apron! Shannon tries to come in, Brian Hebner cuts him off, and Kidman brings in Spike for a double whip. Heads down too soon, Spike is kicked, Kidman is grabbed, and there's the headlock and headscissors takeover! Can Chavo make the tag now? Shannon's up on the apron waiting  for it. Crawling, crawling TAG. clothesline for Spike, clothesline for Kidman, wheel kick to Spike catches him hard OW, leg lariat to Kidman, backdrop to Akio! Whip for Kidman, reversed, Kidman tries flapjack and takes a 'rana instead. Spike tries a clothesline, ducked, under and Spike gets a Northern Lights Suplex, one two NO Akio breaks it up, but Nunzio gives him his big dropkick to the face. Kidman tries to catch Nunzio with a dropkick to the face, but Nunzio ducks and takes them both out with a clothesline. Chavo up, and noticing Kidman on the outside - pescado! (called!) Spike with right hands, whip, reversed, Spike lands the battering ram to Shannon's midsection. Dudley Dog - no, Shannon escapes before this gets airborn and corner whips Spike the other way. Spike kips up but gets caught - spun into a face first powerbomb! Shannon to the middle rope, and calling for it - MOOREGASM! (called!) One two THREE! (6:32 after the break, 8:54 total) Josh: "SHANNON MOORE HAS JUST PINNED THE CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE WORLD!" Wow. There were a lot of ways I could've figured this one breaking down and that wasn't one of them. Replay of the Winning Move, which was more neck crunching then usual. Good guys celebrate and Nunzio makes "I want the belt" motions on Shannon's behalf. Josh make sure we know this is a super duper huge thing for Shannon to have pinned the champ and you should pencil in Shannon vs Spike. Quick note of Chavo still doing the pointing at Kidman, and we're out

That was pretty cool. Why don't they do that more often? 


SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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