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Almost Burninating
March 22, 2004

by The Cubs Fan
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


TV 14 DLV open - no entertainment spot? no Brock, but since they just redid it to make more Eddy-rific, it isn't as noticeable as in the Confidential bit later.

Hardcore Holly (Mobile, AL, 224 pounds) vs Chuck Palumbo (w/Nunzio, 280 pounds) - Josh: "Welcome to Velocity, and perhaps for the last time ever, Josh Mathews sitting ringside with Bill DeMott!" Oh no, say you won't go. Bill doesn't seem sad about that turn of events and manages to work in Junior. This is the first time in forever that a non-wrestling FBI guy has been able to go the ring with a wrestling one on this show, so I guess Nunzio doesn't have a match. Josh bills this as Palumbo trying to get revenge for Holly beating him and Johnny in that tag match with Orlando two weeks ago, having already beaten Orlando last week. I guess Chuck is running the boring face undercard gauntlet. Bill warns us that this may be the last time Palumbo and Nunzio walk down the aisle together. You'll just have to remember all those great FBI moments instead. Hardcore and Nunzio do a lot of the pointing. Lockup? No, Chuck was just fooling with him. Circle, feigning another lockup, okay lockup for real now. Hardcore with an armdrag out, Chuck into the ropes, Nick Patrick loudly tells Hardcore to back up. Circle. Lockup, Chuck powers Hardcore into the corner. Chuck fakes the clean break, right hand misses, Hardcore traps him in the corner with right hands of his own. Corner whip, reversed, Hardcore kips up and out and traps Chuck in the corner with chops. Patrick decides Hardcore has to give him space after a five count and forces Holly out to make it happen, which allows Chuck to get in the BEST RIGHT HAND IN THE BUSINESS. Hardcore Holly is now dead, but Chuck, showing the sense and strategy that has kept him on Velocity for countless weeks, opts to run Hardcore into the corner instead of covering. Shoulders to the midsection. Hardcore pulled out by the leg into a short clothesline one two no. Josh says "short leg clothesline" which is good except no one would have a clue what I meant. Neck vice cravat-ish thing. Hardcore standing up from it, right, right, right, chop, Chuck picks him up and runs him into the corner. Josh keeps saying "drafted in the lottery" which makes absolutely no sense and makes me think the reason they haven't explained the concept yet is because they haven't actually figured out what the concept is going to be. Not a good sign. Chuck wanders away from the corner, having a conversation with Patrick about closed fists but mostly just wandering around to give Holly room to punch him. Chuck tries to retaliate by walking fast into Holly's boots, which works as well it sounds. Chuck charges again, and Holly and Palumbo perform the always classic "double duck" where each guy thinks the other is throwing a clothesline and neither does. Holly manages to actually hit a clothesline on the next pass. Another. Backdrop. Going up? Chuck's 3/4ths of the ring away, so Holly has to not only wait for him to get up, but for him to wander close enough to hit - camera angles hide Chuck's movements. Top rope clothesline move one two NO. Bill is distressed that Hardcore keeps going up top, even though Bill acknowledges it works. Both up, Holly down via big boot to the head. One two NO. Forearm, forearm, forearm, forearm, forearm, off the ropes, into the best dropkick in the business one two NO. This is quite a matchup of bests. Chuck begs off in the corner, Hardcore advances on him anyway, Chuck pulls the tights to trip him into the corner buckle, inside cradle grabbing the middle ropes one two NO? Odd. Chuck argues with Nick Patrick about the logic of people kicking out of rope assisted pinfalls on Velocity. Or it being a two count. Hardcore takes advantage with a double leg. Hardcore Holly STF? The heck. Chuck is a foot from the ropes and seemingly in moderate pain at best. This is so dramatic we look at Nunzio. This is so dramatic, Josh and Bill are talking about the catering in Detroit (It's bad.) This is like a rest hold, but Holly's a face and Chuck's a heel showing tremendous fighting spirit by pulling himself to the ropes. Which he does, grabbing the bottom ropes. Holly takes his time letting go. Josh wishes he and Bill don't get split up, but Bill has no time to get in a reply before Holly works in the super low blow kick. Nunzio jumps up on the apron to argue that should be DQ, but Holly decks him before the case is made. Holly turns back to Chuck, and Chuck surprises him by scooping him up and dropping him in a Samoan Drop. One two three? Three! (5:20) From main eventing the Royal Rumble to losing to Chuck Palumbo on a move that's not even his Move, what a ride for Hardcore Holly. I guess there's a reason that his tights are the Velocity color scheme.

RAW's Marc Lloyd interviews the Hacksaw Rock about the Rundown (on DVD this Tuesday). Actually, I was wondering if they fired Marc when new guy Todd showed up but I guess not? Rock, while pimping the bonus footage, notes that most of the time the bonus footage is left off the movie because it sucks, but that's not the case here. At all. (3:12)

Tonight: Chavo Guerrero (w/Chavo Guerrero Sr., c) vs Ultimo Dragon for the Cruiserweight Title! YES! Bill wonders if this is the last time we'll see Chavo on Velocity only, because apparently Ultimo's signed a lifetime contract to this show.

Next: "It's time for a new WWE"

WM Recap Video Package (2:04)
Vince on RAW. This is one of those times where they say "I'm giving the fans what they want!" and I'm pretty sure this is not what I wanted. It's pretty funny how everything leading up to the word "lottery" is to give people the impression they're ending the show split and gets big reactions, and everything after it gets a lot less of a reaction. Though they seem to add a fake reaction at some point to fix that.  (1:21)

RAW: Draft Lottery. We get RAW and SmackDown logos and a picture of Vince.

Still to Come: John Cena's 1st US Title defense. Bill runs out of things to say seven seconds early.

Hey, they're using Rock's entrance video to start up the hype for WrestleMania 21. I guess he isn't using it soon.

Tajiri & Akio (w/Sakoda, 406 pounds) vs Paul London & thug life Billy Kidman (450 pounds) - Could this be the last time we see not-Kyo Dai together? Would you miss them if they weren't a unit? I think the good thing about the lottery is that it might force WWE.com to update their bios and notice, for instance, that they've got Akio and Sakoda listed with a team name they've never used on air. I restrained myself from making a comment about London & Kidman being the hot new tag team that teamed twice before they forgot about them, and then Bill says "could this be the first and only time we see London and Kidman team together?" and I died. My biggest problem with all the "Will This Be The Last Time X & Y team/fight/eat pizza together EVER?" comments is that it gets really repetitive and annoying after twenty minutes. My second biggest problem is "Who cares". Circle. Akio and Kidman lockup, Akio with a hammerlock and a shove to the back. Akio can't stand still at any point, he's gotta keep bouncing from foot to foot. Lockup, no Kidman ducks and gets a waistlock, takedown, floatover and slapping the back of the head. Akio is up and annoyed, so he charges but comes to a stop when Kidman does the Crane Pose. Akio is disturbed about this movie reference and the long digression it will cause for the announcers enough that Kidman can easily kick him. Headlock. Shot off, shoulderblock by Kidman, one two no. Akio with an eye rake to take control, which gets a warning from Hebner. Sakoda jumps on the apron to grab Kidman, but even Brian Hebner can see that, and yells at Sakoda to get off the ring.. Akio uses the distraction to forearm Kidman down and stomp him, but Hebner is ejecting Sakoda from ringside. Sakoda seems to have a hard time understanding this idea and just walks to the ramp side of the ring. Akio with a boot choke. Elbow to the head. Choke on the top rope, broken at three. Akio with a whip, Kidman slides under, Kidman jumps at Akio, Akio tosses him up, Kidman comes down with a 'rana one two no. Armbar, tag to Paul London. Whip, Kidman drops down so London can kill Akio with a wheel kick one two no. London picks Akio up, and gets a knee and a elbow to the face. I think Sakoda eventually left, because he's not there anymore. Tag to Tajiri, who walks right into a chop and loses his gum. Tajiri fights for the honor of his gum with a chest slap, London with a chop, forearm, forearm, whip, reversed, Tajiri hiptoss is reversed into a London armdrag. Tajiri with a hard kick to the hamstring, right hand to the head. Corner whip, charge into an elbow. London quick to the second rope, and quick off with a knee smash to Tajiri's head one two NO. Tag to Kidman, London sets up a side slam and Kidman takes Tajiri down with a legdrop. One two NO. Corner whip, reversed, Tajiri runs into double boots, boots for Akio as he tries to help, Kidman's second rope axhandle meets a side kick to the midsection and the side kick wins. One tow no. Tag to Akio, kicking Kidman down in the corner, adding a nice jumping spinning heel kick. Akio stomping the midsection (instead of the midsection) one two no. Russian Legsweep into an Octopus! Fans have no idea what to make of this, but Kidman manages to rally the crowd from it. Bill and Josh say Akio wants to be a martial arts movie star in Korea, which is an odd goal for a supposed Japanese guy. Akio turns it into a rana pin one two no. Stomp, tag to Tajiri. Kick to the stomach, one two no. Tajiri steps on Kidman's back and annoys London. Abdominal stretch, Tajiri punching Kidman in the midsection. Announcers talk about Faarooq being fired. By Paul Heyman. Kidman with a less than beautiful hiptoss out, then goes to town with wild punches on Tajiri. Whip, no Tajiri's hooked the ropes and he's not going. Something's wrong here, to say the least. Kidman kicks Tajiri a couple times and is able to corner whip Tajiri with a problem. Charge in, Tajiri kips up for the Tarantula, Kidman won't go (grabbing the middle ropes to block, which is new), Tajiri reverses into a sunset flip but keeps rolling it to a bodyscissors hold. Tajiri's nose is bleeding somewhat. Tajiri turns Kidman over into a pinning position, one two no. Kidman gives up on this for now, stomping Kidman before cleaning his nose. Tag to Akio, and Tajiri holds Kidman for Akio to hit. Akio with kicks, modified chinlock with arm pull to twist Kidman's midsection. Crowd somewhat behind Kidman. Despite them doing various moves to midsection for the last four minutes, Bill gives Akio and Tajiri praise for "working over the right shoulder." Akio does kick the shoulder a couple times, but no. Corner whip, Kidman going in chest first, and Akio doing a Tiger Mask Flip-like flipping kick to the back. Akio back up to charge again and runs into an improbable Kidman dropkick. Can Kidman make the tag to London? Two people chant for Kidman. Tag to London, who goes right up for a top rope frogsplash cross body - Akio tried to jump into it and London almost missed him. London glances at Akio to makes sure he's alive, forearm for Tajiri, dangerous backdrop for Akio, checking his spot, dropsault hits Tajiri and lands on Akio one two NO. London with a whip, quick reverse into an Akio flapjack into a Tajiri thrust kick. Hebner was too busy telling Kidman to stay out to notice, but he's back to count one two Kidman breaks it up. Tajiri in, Tajiri thrown out by Kidman. Pescado (JOSH ACTUALLY SAID PESCADO! THEY'RE COUSINS!). Replay of London taking the thrust kick, while Akio loads him up on the second rope for a superplex. Trying - but Kidman grabs London's leg to block it. London fighting back, and knocking Akio off the ropes with a front superplex. London going up on more rope - shooting star press firebird splash! One two three! (7:28) Well, forget that idea. Josh says these two could be a good tag team if they're ever together again. Bill says his turning point is London getting the hot tag, but they use footage of him getting that tag early in to hit a wheel kick. Whatever. This was good when Tajiri and Kidman were on the same page, which is an odd thing to say about two guys who've wrestled each other six million times.

Edge. Is Coming. (:25)

Drakengard New US Champion of Monday

Tonight: Chavo Guerrero (w/Chavo Guerrero Sr., c) vs Ultimo Dragon for the Cruiserweight Title

I can not believe the Enzyte guy is named Smilin' Bob. There's logical first names for the fictional spokesperson of a "male enhancement" product and Bob isn't on the list. Obviously, I've been watching these shows too much.

Did John Cena lose the US Title to Rhyno? Nah. (2:46)

Up Next: Eddie vs Rey 

SmackDown Gauntlet. Finish of Haas/Benjamin, Gunn/Benjamin, Mysterio/Benjamin, Show/Mysterio (:48)
Eddie vs Rey. I hope Paul's anti-Mexican speech means lucha stars invade SmackDown! And then people give me a billion dollars! Actually, "Paul Heyman is the only one guaranteed to be here next week!" line should set off bells and whistles. Bearer is quite corpulent. I like how the World Champion of SmackDown was completely freaked out by Undertaker. (6:01)

Chavo Guerrero (El Paso, TX, 213 pounds, w/Chavo Guerrero Sr., c) vs - Chavos stop on the way to the ring so they can shine the belt. Wait, one more break.

Hell, boy Rey didn't win the title at WrestleMania thanks in part to Chavo Senior.

Chavo Guerrero (w/Chavo Guerrero Sr., c) vs Ultimo Dragon (Nagoya, Japan, 185 pounds) for the Cruiserweight Title - Chavo's music is still playing and he's still posing! That must've been a long entrance. Bill and Josh are playing What If games to death. My death. Bill suggests that Chavo and Chavo might be split, which is just wrong and also wrong - why would managers be split from the people they're managing? Could Chavo end up with Teddy Long and Chavo Sr. end up with Jazz? Hilarious but wrong. Charles Robinson is your referee. Ding ding ding. Circle. Chavo looking at the fans and telling them that they suck and he does not. Sadly, it backfires. That does not stop Chavo. 

Bill: I got one for you.
Josh: Okay
Bill: WHAT IF...you're only gone one way on a one way street?
Josh: Where do you come up with this stuff? That's not very humorous, Bill.
Bill: Well, you gotta [pause as it sinks in] Now see, that's not funny.
Josh: All I said was humorous.
Bill: Are you listening to these people? That's for that comment.

Lockup, Ultimo with waistlock, up into a full nelson, spinning him around and taking him down with a snap mare, chinlock, Chavo lighting quick into a hammerlock, Ultimo up to his feet, Chavo with an armbar, Ultimo back to his knees. Into a wristlock as Ultimo gets to his feet, Ultimo with forward roll, forward headstand, armdrag and Chavo's gonna protect himself in the ropes. Chavo has a word with Chavo Sr. Circle as Chavo works some life into his arm. [EDDIE EDDIE EDDIE EDDIE] Yea, that's a good sign. Chavo does not approve of that chant either. Lockup, no Chavo kick, forearm, forearm, "YOU WANNA SEE EDDIE?" European Uppercut. Whip, clothesline misses, Ultimo with a tight spinning headscissors. Chavo ended up rolling into the ropes. Ultimo whip, Chavo sunset flip, Dragon rolls through, running kick to the chest. One two no. Ultimo setting up, double chop to the midsection. Bill: "Dragon still caught up in the lucha libre style, not doing the WWE way of doing things, and this is what has cost him some opportunities." Ah, that's it, Ultimo must think all the matches are two out of three and figures he'll save it for the last two falls. Ultimo with kicks in the corner, corner whip, Ultimo with a kip up and caught, Chavo dropping him with a face first powerbomb. Ultimo down and Chavo stalking him with stomps. Bill and Josh note that these two met quite a few times in WCW - actually, beating Ultimo Dragon was the bit that turned Chavo heel (well, at least nutty) when Eddie and Chavo were doing this bit over there, the first time. I'd buy Josh 1985 calendar if he pointed that out. Choke on the middle rope gets a warning from Charles Robinson. As Chavo argues with Charles, Senior sneaks in with a shot to the head on Dragon. Chavo covers one two NO. Kneeling abdominal stretch. Bill says Senior was helping Ultimo adjust his mask, though he's kidding and Josh doesn't get it. Josh does fire back with "maybe you can make a turning point about it! hahaha" and Bill lamely says he could. I think I would be fine if this team is split. Chavo's got an armlock worked into his hold. Josh says the crowd is chanting "CHAVO IS A WANKER", which only makes sense if they're in England (and they actually are, just not when this was taped) so who knows. Neither Bill or Josh know what a wanker is, though you have to guess Josh has been called such a time or two. Ultimo battling out of the hold, punches to the midsection, whip, reversed, Chavo with a backdrop, Ultimo lands on his feet, Ultimo with a wheel kick but Chavo rolls under. Dropkick to the back of the head by Chavo, one two no. "There's that style I was talking about earlier". I guess Bill is anti-wheel kick. "YOU SUCK" back suplex one two no. Chavo thinks Charles Robinson's counting sucks. Stomp. Chavo says hi to Dad. Chavo with punches that look very much not good. Ultimo briefly fights back before being knocked back down. "LET'S HEAR EDDIE NOW!" Lots of boos, though four people do chant for Eddie. Confidential is next. Chop by Chavo. Whip, clothesline ducked as Ultimo slows down for no apparent reason, Dragon quebrada! No cover, which is really more the WWE style. Both men down, and Ultimo crawls over by the five count, one two kickout. Chavo with a right, blocked and Dragon kicks the leg. Repeat. Chavo tries for a third time, Dragon ducks and hits the Three Kick Combo one two NO. Suplex? Chavo slips behind, waistlock, Dragon with a switch, Chavo frees himself with a back elbow. Chavo turns, Dragon drop toe hold, LA MAJISTRAL one two NO! Josh: "New Champion on Velocity - NO!" Chavo's right shoulder was not even a reasonable facsimile of 'down' by two. Chavo resting on the bottom rope, as Ultimo sis low following up. Ultimo rushes into what eventually is a back elbow. Chavo backs up, and charges - backdrop to the floor! That was a crazy looking fall. Dragon going to the top - top rope plancha to the floor! Josh: "We're going to have a new Cruiserweight Champion here on Velocity, I know it!" Bill says Ultimo gets caught up in the excitement and forgets the big picture. Neither man is up till Robinson is up at seven, and Dragon throws Chavo in. Crawling in, covering one two NO! Wheel kick knocks Chavo into the corner, Dragon charges into boots. Chavo charges out, clothesline is caught into a backslide, no, Dragon's turning it around and around some more into - DRAGON SLEEPER! JOSH CALLS IT! Chavo going down, from standing to sitting as he waves frantically. He won't give but he's in trouble. Standing back up as Josh puts over the hold, Chavo turns around in it, knee, brainbuster! One two NO! Chavo is a bit distraught. Chavo with a forearm, back suplex, Ultimo lands on his feet, Heel Kick Which Sets Up The Asai DDT! Way Too Long Pose To Signal The Asai DDT allows Chavo Sr. to get up to the apron. Ultimo tries to knock him off, Chavo Sr. drops off, Chavo Jr. forearms Ultimo in the back. Gory Special, Gory Bomb. One two three. (8:39) Maybe Dragon didn't use the Dragon Sleeper because he knew it'd be that easy to escape into a big move? Still, maybe best Dragon singles match of this run. 

Confidential is now.


SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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