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If At First You Don't Succeed...
December 15, 2003

by The Cubs Fan
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


TV 14 DLV CC entertainment open fireworks. Josh couldn't sound any more like he was reading off a card if he tried.

FBI (Chuck and Nunzio, 480 pounds, w/Johnny) vs Spanky and Paul London (393 pounds) - no sleep till - hey, Jason Justin Roberts is ring announcing again. Now, if we just saw the FBI, and this is still Velocity, their opponents must be - ah, there's Spanky's music! London and Nunzio to start. Face to face, Nunzio with a slap, London with a forearm. Forearm beats Slap. "London dropping Nunzio like third period Italian." While Josh and Bill have deep intellectual discussions about that  joke (Josh's school didn't have Italian! Bill wonders if Josh made that joke because Chuck and Nunzio are Italian!) Nunzio tags to Chuck. Chuck, showing a scholar's knowledge, notices that he is taller than London and makes sure everyone else knows too. Lockup, Chuck wastes no time pushing London into the corner and slapping him about the face. No break, knees instead. Bill: "Chuck Palumbo is one of those guys vying for that championship gold." Maybe Bill thinks if he can say that line convincingly enough, they'll let him help call the Rumble. Nick Patrick gets Chuck to back off. London tries to take advantage but another knee stops that. Corner whip, nope back the same way, London kips up and out, kick, forearm, kick, forearm, kick, backing up, charge, backdropped to the apron, Shoulder for Chuck, slingshot headscissors back in. London off the ropes and is killed dead by a Chuck clothesline. NOW Nunzio wants in, but perhaps too soon, because he runs into a drop toe hold. Bill can redeem himself so much right now if he catches that Josh called it a "step toe hold." Because Josh didn't say "step toe hold, dude", Bill appears to have missed it. London puts in a front facelock and backs up into his corner for Spanky to tag his way in. Spanky waits for London to do something - Russian Legsweep/bulldog clothesline combo one two NO. Whip, leaping leg lariat one two no. Corner charging forearm by Spanky. Corner whip, reversed, Spanky with a kip up headscissors. Josh is talking about positively about Oklahoma re: the BCS? I wonder who he thinks is listening. Johnny on the apron to argue (for a playoff), Spanky is distracted, Nunzio tries back suplex, Spanky lands on his feet but Chuck sneaks in to boot him. One two Spanky has an arm on the ropes. Stomp. Tag to Chuck, Nunzio and Chuck forearm him down. Chuck off the ropes, kick to the back. One two no. Bill: "I hear ya." Josh: "Don't steal my sayings, dude." Bill: "Again with 'dude'? How many weeks?" "I know Alice-" "How many weeks? Again with Alice?" "Me and Alice are...close friends" "[loud sigh]" "[loud cackle] YEA!" (Much side chatter in between omitted.) Match? Oh right, Chuck has a chinlock. Bill, being oddly useful, notes that Nick Patrick is down on one knee and 'completely out of nowhere' presumes he's been punched in the face. Going back a second, on that last pinfall attempt, Spanky threw his arms out as he kicked out - and knocked a fist right into Nick's skull. Nick was on the edge of the screen, so it wasn't noticeable. He's kinda half out of it and checking his nose, though. While he's recovering, Spanky gets out of the hold, but Chucks dopers him with a right hand. Bill says Nick is bleeding, though we're not getting a close shot. Tag to Nunzio. Kick, corner whip, and Nunzio causes London to distract Nick Patrick while Spanky gets crotched on the post and Nunzio stomps him - Aggravated Assault. London breaks it up after plenty of damage has been done. Chuck (no tag) whips Spanky into the FBI corner, but Spanky is aware enough to forearm Nunzio on the way in and catch Chuck on his charge. Spanky runs for the tag, Chuck catches him, but for once, Chuck's catch is too late and Spanky is able to make the tag to Paul London. Chuck doesn't see it - and neither did Nick Patrick, argh. I have no idea how he was distracted, but the bloody nose might be it. Chuck completes a Samoan Drop on Chuck, but Patrick is too busy getting Chuck out and checking his nose - one two London breaks it up. Corner whip, Chuck charges, Spanky slips out and Chuck posts himself. Chuck manages to get free, but Spanky is up - jumping off the top rope swinging DDT! Tag? Tag to Nunzio, tag to London (Cameras miss it) Clothesline for Nunzio, backdrop for Nunzio. Wheel kick for Chuck doesn't seem like it hit much but i guess enough. Face first double chicken wing powerbomb is the Waffle Face one two Chuck breaks it up. Whip, reversed, dropsault by London. Double Northern Lights suplex on Nunzio - then they roll through for a double shoulder gutbuster! (Josh: "Musclebuster!") London covers one two Johnny pulls London off. Nick goes to yell at him, and Chuck is back over to kick London. Chuck sets up for a powerbomb on London, notices Spanky up and pushes London out of the way, but Spanky still manages to nail him with a missile dropkick - senton on Nunzio in the process! Spanky starts running - I guess that's supposed to be a through the ropes corkscrew plancha on Johnny, but it didn't look right. It still worked, so I guess that's good enough. London awakes enough to go cover Nunzio, one two NO. London picks Nunzio up, Nunzio pushes London into the ropes, London rebounds and tries a 'rana and Chuck is back in to Whack London down. One two three. (6:45) Here's the turning point - which is a replay of Nick getting punched.

Your announcers are Bill and Josh, and they're hyped for

Later: Tajiri (c) vs Billy Kidman for the WWE Cruiserweight Title. This is Kidman's 3242423th return from a knee injury.
Up Next: Battle Shirt Wearing

SmackDown! Live
12/14 - Indianapolis [Road to WMXX Tour]
12/16 - Jackson, FL [SD!]
12/30 - Laredo, TX [SD!]
01/03/03 - Glendale, AZ [Road to WMXX Tour]
01/04/03 - Albuquerque, NM [Road to WMXX Tour]

I guess you don't bother to list the Iraq/Kuwait dates, huh? Or maybe they can't say for security reasons.

Passport to SmackDown! highlights. Mr. Roberts is sure getting to talk a lot for someone who doesn't have a name. Cena and Eddie getting along? ODD. (1:00)

Two weeks ago, Big Show kinda cost John Cena a title shot (:19)
Last week, we talked about it. (4:27)

Later: Tajiri (c) vs Billy Kidman for the WWE Cruiserweight Title.


Ultimo Dragon (Nagoya, Japan, 185 pounds) vs Tony Salantri (214 pounds, Los Angeles, CA, already in the ring) - Justin's pronunciation of "Dragooooooooooooooon" is perhaps his greatest achievement in life to date. Josh makes fun of it ("I feel like I'm back in Brazil!"), but he's wrong. Bill: "I really miss Tony Chimel". Lockup, Tony with a waistlock, switch, Dragon spins him around into a a neck vice, into a headlock, into an armbar, into a wristlock, into a hammerlock. Tony says NO MORE and gets to the ropes. Shove by Tony, kick by Ultimo, chop, open hand slap, open hand slap, open hand slap, whip, reversed, Tony back elbow one two no. Tony up and kicking, but it's the boot catch leg sweep. Shinnying headscissors, spring heel kick, Tpny taken out and finally dropped with pescado. Dragon adds some mounted punches for good measure. Dragon throws him in, covers one two no. Slam. Ultimo lifts Tony's left leg and kicks it, then twists it. Half crab on the knee. Tony trying to get to eth ropes, no. He's getting loose, so Ultimo lets go for another hold. Tony battles out, to his feet, enziguri is ducked and he takes an elbow drop to the back. Turnbuckle smash. Kick. Kick. Kick. Kick. Kick. Corner whip, Ultimo charges into a boot. Tony charges out, Sunset flip is rolled through and Ultimo knocks him down with a hard kick to the chest. One no. Whip, head down too soon and Tony kicks it, then a clothesline. Tony actually gets to follow up, and picks a cover. Tony looks at his fist. Okay. Off the ropes, clothesline, is rolled under, right is blocked and Ultimo kicks the left leg. Right is blocked, Ultimo kicks the left leg. Clothesline is ducked, and it's the Five Kick Combo. Josh: "Lighting him up like a Christmas tree!" Tony doesn't go down, because it's set up for "-or a Hanukah candle, whatever's your preference" Asai DDT, one two three. (3:22) Very slightly there, Ultimo was working as a heel. Maybe I was just trying to see it - outside of Bill saying late "this is the Ultimo I remember", there were no strong signs. 

Still to come: A big night for Rey Mysterio.

Remington Air Filter to the Head of Last Thursday. And after they fought, they fought some more! Or so it goes.

Orlando Jordan (Miami, FL, 240 pounds) vs who betta than Kanyon (Queens, NY, 242 pounds) - Josh: "There's not much to say about Orlando Jordan that we haven't said in the past here on Velocity" BECAUSE HE'S ON THIS SHOW EVERY WEEK. AND THEY DO THIS MATCH EVERY OTHER WEEK. I love ya, Kanyon, but no mas. I'll go back and do this if Orlando doesn't win this as he does every single time. Kanyon is wearing blue this week. SmackDown: Basham Brothers vs Rikishi/Scotty 2 Hotty for the Tag Team Titles. Josh: "This isn't the first time Orlando and Kanyon have locked horns on Velocity." Bill: "The fourth time? The fifth time?" Josh: "I dunno. But I believe Orlando Jordan has never lost to Kanyon." Whoa. It's the fourth time it's made air (07/12, 11/01, 11/29), but I think doing it three times in seven weeks for no reason is what's really killing us. Bill's tries to make the point that we keep having this match because Orlando has something to prove. Bill tries a "Kanyon hasn't been the same since the shoulder injury" line, erroneously giving Kanyon credit for a "WWE" US Title reign (it was WCW and repeat matches let me nitpick like this.) For fun, Josh is recycling the same exact lines he said last week about Los Guerreros, including the Challenge to Raw. Your ref is Jimmy Korderas, by the way. Josh: "If Orlando wins this match, it will be a sweep in the World Series of Velocity". Bill: "What's it going to take to end this rivalry?" A writer coming up with an idea for either of them, Bill. Orlando with a jogging shoulder powerslam will do it. (5:05) Josh: "And Orlando Jordan beats Kanyon...again!" Both guys realized it was the fourth time by the end, so good job by them.   

Tonight: Tajiri (c) vs Billy Kidman for the WWE Cruiserweight Title.
Tale of the Tape: Brock Lesnar vs Rey Mysterio

Rey Mysterio and Brock Lesnar. So you're Hardcore Holly. You've punched Brock multiple times, and clotheslined him out of the ring. Why do let him go up the aisle without oodles and oodles more of punches? Maybe he figured that the backup would arrive? (5:49)

Up Next: Tajiri (c) vs Billy Kidman for the WWE Cruiserweight Title.

SmackDown will be delivering USO Care Packages to Iraq and Kuwait, and holding an event there. (2:28)

Tajiri (c, Japan, 206 pounds, w/Akio and Sakoda) vs thug life Billy Kidman (Allentown, PA, 215 pounds) for the WWE Cruiserweight Championship (5th Defense) - Speaking of matches we've done before on this show: (05/25/02, 07/06/02, 09/21/02, 08/30/03). If it's the most important match on the show, Brian Hebner is your referee. Would you believe this is the first Cruiser title defense on this show in 8 months? Only three this year. And one year ago (and a day), Kidman was the one defending this title on this show? Okay, enough trivia for now. Circle. Tajiri takes time out of his busy schedule to yell at the crowd. Lockup, break. Lockup, Kidman into a hammerlock, Tajiri to his own, Kidman reverses to a jumping snap mare. Kidman ducks a clothesline blocked a hiptoss, knee, Kidman flip out escape, kick, corner whip, reversed, kip up headscissors takes Tajiri to the floor. Kidman points and slides - dropkick gets Tajiri. Kidman throws Tajiri in the ring, but ignores the back up. They don't ignore him - Kidman's pulled off the apron by Akio and clotheslined by Sakoda. Tajiri did a good job of distracting - Akio makes a move too late and Hebner warns him as Kidman crawls in. Tajiri covers, one two no. Slam, yelping knee drop one two no. Elbow to the head, half straight jacket chinlock. Kidman rallying up, knee, knee, right, right, corner whip, reversed Kidman kips up, Tajiri catches him on his shoulders and drops him neck first onto the top rope one two NO. Tajiri yelling to the crowd again. Stomp. Choke on the middle rope. Slapping the back of Kidman's head for fun. Snap mare. Chinlock. Kidman elbowing out, Tajiri forearms him down, kicks, off the ropes, Kidman tries to surprise him with a dropkick but Tajiri's held the ropes. Bill: "Hardcore Holly sat in that arena for two LONG hours" - SmackDown really that boring to you, Bill? Confidently is next. Whip, reversed, handspring elbow is ducked under and now Kidman hits the dropkick. Both are being counted down one two three four five six seven - both up. Tajiri with the high kick, Kidman ducks, off the ropes, spinning back elbow. Clothesline, clothesline, springboard bulldog one two NO. Corner whip, rebound clothesline is ducked, back thrust kick one two NO. Tajiri isn't sure about that. Suplex, Kidman slips behind for a waistlock cradle one two NO. Tajiri with a hard kick to the side of the head. Corner whip, reversed, Tajiri jumps, yells and puts on the Tarantula. Tajiri let's go and sets up - what's the hand signal mean? - Buzzsaw Kick is ducked, kick catch enziguri is not. Kidman drags Tajiri into the corner and is going up. Sakoda on the apron to distract Hebner, and Akio trips Kidman off the top rope. Tajiri grabs Kidman, waiting for someone to help - ah, Sakoda has to get back on the apron to distract Hebner again - Akio's wheel kick is sidestepped by Kidman but Tajiri. Kidman clotheslines Akio out - BK Bomb for Tajiri! one two NO! Kidman can't believe it. Picking Tajiri up, slam, no Tajiri slips behind, Kidman 'rana works, but Tajiri bridges out, Kidman turns around, Buzzsaw Kick one two three. (6:27) Tajiri is OUT. Sakoda looks good in his outfit. Here's a replay - kick, dead. Tajiri is up 4-1 now.

Confidential is now.


SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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