Intro: We open the show on a giant pair of breasts. Well, the cleavage of a giant pair of breasts. The camera zooms out to reveal the nurse from the allegedly awful 15-minute skit this last Monday, who Ortonly asks, “Durr, why is the red light on?” Todd Grisham pops up, with an unbuttoned shirt, and proceeds to say “Oh, don’t be silly, the show isn’t starting yet… Wait, what? Oh crap! Roll the opening video!”

Dear Christ, it’s going to be one of those episodes.

[Defending my honor tangent: Up there, when I said the skit from Monday was “allegedly” awful? Don’t worry Rick, I’m not one of those part-of-the-problem fucktards. Rather, as soon as I saw Vince call himself Dr. Heinie, I fast-forwarded the DVR about as quickly as you would if someone forced you to watch the Bass Pro Shops MBNA 500. And Rick? You don’t pay me enough for this. Love, Pyro.]

Guest Rundown, Media Hype: Todd is buttoning up his shirt as he introduces himself, declares the nurse (who I refuse to call by the name WWE wants me to) to be the special guest. Then, he runs down all his groin-related injuries that she was examining. Todd? You suck, and I hate you now. Please either remove yourself from existence, or give everyone who talked you into doing this a knife stab in the left ventricle.

Todd decides to answer my pleas by saying that he’ll be asking the nurse PENENTRATING questions, and he’ll keep us ABREAST of what’s going on, but until then he’ll be sitting ERECT in his chair. Because, you know, that’s funny. Allegedly.

We’re also going to have JBL on the phone. Great. One bitch and one whore. I hate Byte This!.

Todd gets around to recapping RAW, which he puts over as if it’s a 1998 episode, and verbally fellates Shawn Michaels. Then we go to a clip of the storyline linking RAW and SmackDown!, and I don’t recap recaps. Todd comes back and tells us that the nurse is still not there because she was a little MUFFED, but it’s all good, because we got JBL on.

Why Am I Wasting My Time?: JBL starts off by taking credit for shutting down ECW’s doors, and single-handedly defending WWE from WCW’s invasion. Also, WCW wouldn’t have gone bankrupt if JBL was part of them.

This speech is entertaining me already, but I’ll tell you why. I think it’s the same idea as the way gas prices are now. Ten years ago, $2.23/gallon would have been unimaginable. But now, we’re happy to have it because we experienced $2.95/gallon. I’m happy to have JBL after dealing with the four-minute opening of this show. That’s not a compliment to anyone.

Anyway, blah blah blah, Shawn Michaels sucks and I rock, blah blah blah, I like screwing with Edge, blah blah blah. We get a clip of the whole JBL skit from RAW, and then we’re back to JBL who continues to spew more shit about hating RAW more than hating Rey Mysterio.

JBL says that he needed a translator to speak with Rey, because Rey doesn’t speak a word of English. And speaking of translators, Chris Masters needs one, or he needs to get the marbles out of his mouth, because he is a hairless orangutan. Let’s see… has a clueless smile, poses to cues, stumbles around like he has no equilibrium, frequently makes random noises indiscernible to humans… yeah, that’s a damn good observation. Okay, JBL gets one point.

The rest of the interview? Crap. I’m serious… did you ever see that episode of South Park where Cartman teaches everyone to shove food up their asses so they shit out their mouths? This was the real-life audible version of that, except instead of food being shoved up their asses, it’s bad writing and direction. Or, in John Cena’s case, a NASCAR gearshift.

JBL ends this interview by saying that he’s got a HUGE announcement next month that will prove he’s the king of media. If this means he’s going to be in a movie, I will burn my Wrestling Fan Card, because you just know they’re going to waste valuable RAW and SmackDown! time to hype the shit out of it.

So he’s off, and Todd declares that the nurse will be on soon. Then, to remind everyone who the fuck she is, THEY REPLAY THE GODDAMN FUCKING SEGMENT FROM RAW. And Christ, this is just as bad (if not worse) than I imagined. Woe be to the fans who had to see this live… Uhg… I am forced to listen to it, but I am keeping my browser minimized since I don’t have to see it.

Nurse: The nurse is in, says she’s been since Saturday. Todd declares that she’s putting the nurse dress up for auction, but she’s too stupid to realize there are cameras, and begins to asininely unbutton it.

I Hate Byte This!: You know what? Fuck this. I really mean that. Fuck. This. Right in the nostril. I’m not recapping this shit. I’m done. Rick, I hope to god your headline will be clever, because that will be the only reason people will need to know this episode existed.

…

Sigh. Damn my work ethic. I won’t be able to sleep tonight if I do this half-assed.

Nurse, Take Two: I just noticed she has an accent. It’s Swedish or something. Allegedly sexy. Or something. So Todd tells her that she can’t take off the dress in front of the camera, so she walks away stage left. Todd swivels in his chair to face that general direction. He sits there stupidly as the sound of moving cloth is heard. And then the dress comes flying in and hits Todd in the face while he’s sitting in the exact same position. We’ve all seen this comedic shtick before, and it was only the first time, and in a cartoon, because real guys do not act like that outside strip clubs. Hell, probably most guys don’t even act like that in strip clubs.

Todd sniffs the nurse’s dress. Then looks at the camera. Then sniffs it again and names the perfume. Then he reminds us it’s up for auction, and another article of clothing comes flying in from the left. This is AFTER the nurse has already left the studio, mind you. Todd gets an erection and wonders aloud if it’s underwear. He disappears below the camera as he looks for it. He comes up with it, shows it to the camera, and says “It’s the hat! Close enough!” We’re going to break, because Todd needs lessons about the female anatomy.

Droz’s 46 Cents: Can we drop the whole nurse thing? Of course not, because as Droz comes on the line, Todd feels he must re-hype her. Droz’s response? Silence. Fucking hilarious. Todd must cover, and he’s a quick thinker, so he simply says “Yeah, I’m speechless too.” Todd Grisham is now in my prayer circle, hoping he gets the fuck out of this shit and onto something that is actually worthy of his talent. Seriously, if this was being hosted by Marc Loyd or Josh Mathews, I really would have just quit in the middle of the episode.

All right, Todd doesn’t want to hear Droz’s picks for Taboo Tuesday, he wants to hear who Droz will vote for. And now that we’re back on topic, it’s like Todd’s good personality returns. I really don’t know how acting like an 12-year-old male doped up on speed, heroine, and caffeine could come so naturally for him, but he really should be in Los Angeles, not Stamford.

Where the fuck was I? Oh, Droz says he’ll vote for HBK in the main event, and the cheerleading outfit for the divas. We get a caller, who wants to see Mick Foley become Dude Love, but Droz wants to see Mankind. Droz continues on to say that the Steel Cage is best match for Trips and Flair (and that “everyone will vote for it,” not that WWE is trying to hedge its bets or anything). Also, he wants to see Austin and Coach in a street fight, but I guess that went without saying.

Yawn. Another caller on, and his question is gay, so we’re skipping it. Droz wants to see Masters and Edge face Matt Hardy and Hardcore Holly. Why the FUCK does he want to see that?

Third caller on, and his question is gay too, so screw it. And then Droz leaves.

Ending Hype: Whatever.

I’m done.