Ok, it’s 9:00 and I’m not waiting for the future anymore!

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Ugh, that was bad. Ok, I’m having a terrible time thinking of a transition catch phrase. If any of you readers out there have any ideas, let me know, and I’ll give you full credit here in my recaps if I use it.

Last Week: Hogan, Sting, and Jarrett had words.

Opening Theme music, Pyro (not Falkon) and we are Live! (taped) from the Impact Zone in Orlando, Flo-Duh! Taz and Tenay are our hosts.

Here comes Uncle Eric Bischoff, and he’s all smiles. He says that it’s been too long since he’s been in this ring. He says that he really does love each and every one of these people, which get’s a lackluster couple of courtesy claps. He then introduces Rob Van Dam, and this gets a bigger reaction.

Eric says it’s good to see RVD, and says that in the first week, over a half a million people have voted, and last week he faced the top vote getter, Desmond Wolfe, and Eric says that it’d be really sweet to see RVD versus the next top vote getter; Jeff Hardy. Unfortunately, Eric’s been trying to get in touch with Jeff, but he hasn’t been able to, so it looks like he’s got no choice but to give RVD the night off. This draws a smattering of boo’s, and RVD says that that’s cool, but he’s RVD, the fans came here to see the Whole F’n Show, and that’s what he’s here to give them.

This brings out AJ Styles, and AJ says for RVD to watch his mouth, there are children present! AJ says that if RVD is so hot to compete tonight, AJ will be more than happy to break RVD’s legs for him. He ponders that people are wondering, “Why, AJ? Why do this when you’ve got RVD on Sunday?” He answers by saying that he can’t get enough of beating the crap out of RVD, and that is why he’s the champ, and RVD is the chump.

And here comes Jeff Hardy (sans paint) to join the show. He grabs a mic and says sorry he’s late, but all this 8 o’clock/9o’clock, Monday night/Thursday night stuff has him confused. But he’s finally here, and he’s ready to have his match tonight. AJ says no way, RVD is his dance tonight. Jeff speaks to RVD and says how about a three way (no gay). Eric asks the crowd what they think, they like it, RVD tells Eric to make the match, and so it’s set: RVD vs. Jeff vs. AJ later tonight. AJ goes ballistic in Eric’s face while Jeff and RVD share meaningful nods.

(ADS)

Jeremy Borash has The Beautiful People cornered, and they are not concerned about Tara, that this Sunday, it’ll be time for Tara to step aside and let Madison run with the ball. Lacey is doing a strange little dance, and as Velvet goes into the TBP catch phrase, She cuts Velvet off, speeds through it and runs off to go pee. Velvet and Madison can’t believe that Lacey cut them off, but they take a breath and remind themselves that she’s beautiful, that’s why they have her around.

Taylor Wilde vs. Tara

This is a grudge match stemming from Tara’s not-getting-alongness with her partners last week. Taylor controls to begin, keeping Tara grounded with her offense. Endgame comes when Taylor goes for a second rope body press and Tara kicks her with the brace covered knee. Tara hits a standing moonsault, and gets the pin.

After the match, Tara takes her brace off, and proceeds to continue assaulting Taylor with it. Sarita eventually runs down to make the save, and Tara bails.

Backstage, and Desmond Wolfe is trying to keep the mob of camera’s away from Chelsea, who is crying her eyes out. What happened? I guess we’ll find out next!

(ADS)

Back, and Christy Hemme has details for Chelseas waterworks, that she was attacked earlier. More details as they come.

Douglas Williams vs. Brian Kendrick

Doug has the mic to start, he says that Kendrick is both crazy and a loser, and says that Kendrick doesn’t deserve a title shot for the X-division title. Taz helpfully points out that while Doug may have possession of the belt, he’s not actually the champion, so he doesn’t have the power to make that match anyway. As the match starts and Doug starts squashing Brian, Kazarian joins the announce table. He talks about how great it is to be the X-Division champion and you know what, it’s about time for him to go and retake his title. He starts walking down to the ring, and Doug takes time out of his Brian Kendrick Ass whipping schedule to go and retrieve the belt. Kendrick takes this opportunity to schoolboy him and gets the surprise pin out of nowhere. Doug doesn’t even care, as he scrambles to grab the belt and hold it close, Gollum style. Kendrick celebrates outside the ring, and Kaz smirks.

Backstage, and Christy is talking to Random Security Guy who isn’t at liberty to talk about what he’s heard about the assault of Chelsea, but at the same time, is disgusted at what he HAS heard.

(ADS)

Back, and more Christy, and she doesn’t like what she has to say: She has learned the name of Chelsea’s attacker, but can’t reveal the name until that person is in police custody. If it’s true, however, then this revelation will potentially shake TNA to its very core.

Matt Morgan Vs Generation ME

Matt squashes them for a minute, gets a mic, asks Hogan if it looks like he’s playing around, and then tells Hogan that he promised that if Hogan didn’t reveal his partner this week, then there would be bloodshed. Well, he doesn’t know yet, so let the blood flow. He throws Generation Me out of the ring, and starts manhandling them…

Here comes Samoa Joe! Matt goes to meet him in the ring, and Joe makes short work of him, punching him down, and hitting a truly impressive muscle buster on Matt. Joe seethes for a second, and then takes his leave…

But wait! Here comes The Band. Kevin Nash is carrying a Feast or Fired suitcase, and Tenay reminds us that he hasn’t cashed in his free Tag Title Shot yet. Nash hands the case to the referee, the bell rings, and Nash makes a show of covering Matt Morgan. 1-2-3, and just like that, The Band are the new tag team champions.

(ADS)

Shannon Moore and Jessie Neil are backstage and saying that the Band changes nothing, that it’s all about the belts. They head out for their match…

Team 3-D vs. Beer Money vs. Motor City Machine Guns vs. Ink Inc. (Fatal Four Way match)

Alex Shelly starts with Storm. Storm ends up on the outside and the recipiant of a tope from Sabin. James gets a clothesline to come in, and Devon and Robert are tagged in. They brawl around a bit until Shannon blind tags himself in and become the face in peril to Beer Money’s shenanigans. Beer money keeps Shannon cut off and Roode locks in a chinlock. Shannon gets a victory roll but can only get two. Tag to Storm, who ets an elbow to the face and a body scissor bulldog. Tag to Jessie Neil, and Jessie is a House O Far! Beer money double team, Ray tags in , double clothesline for Beer Money, attempted cover interrupted by the MCMG’s who hit their big team moves. Everything is just crazy for a few minutes, but end game comes when Shannon dodges a Brother Ray charge into the corner, hit’s the flying neckbreaker, and Jessie Neil hit’s the spear, covers, and Ink Inc. pick up the duke! Ray can’t believe it, and I don’t think Shannon and Jessie can either. 3-D and Ink face off in the ring…

And we’re sent backstage to see Ric Flair talk about how he feels good about TNA tonight, that this three-way later is nothing but good business.

(ADS)

Backstage, RVD and Jeff Hardy are goofing around.

Rob Terry (©) Vs. TheMonsterAbyss (Global Championship match)

Rob comes out first, and as Abyss’ music plays, nobody comes out. Rob looks perplexed as the cameras go to the backstage area where Abyss is getting arrested. I guess he’s the guy that “assaulted” Chelsea. Long story short, Abyss is drug out to the police car, protesting his innocence, Hogan makes an appearance and says he’ll make this right as Abyss is driven away.

As Rob is standing in the ring, obviously disappointed that he didn’t have a match tonight, Orlando Jordan attacks from the crowd. Blindsiding him, He knocks him down, waits until he gets up, and then hits a low blow from behind. He then goes under the ring, grabs a pipe, and proceeds to lay him out with that. As officials come down to roll him out of the ring, Orlando just looks on in amusement.

(ADS)

Moments ago, Orlando Jordan took Rob Terry from behind.

Orlando has a mic, and says that he’s the TNA wild card. He asks the people if they want him to leave, and when the crowd says, “yeah!” he offers an open challenge to anyone in the back, and if they take him out, then he IS out (of TNA, not… you know.) The call is answered by…

(Fat) Tomko vs. Orlando Jordan

Tomko starts off with a double leg sweep and pounds Orlando down. Tomko dominating until Orlando gets a dropkick to Tomko’s face. Orlando works Tomko over on the ropes, then works a series of kicks and headlocks. Tomko elbows his way up and gets a big clothesline for two. Orlando back up and gets a back cracker. Cover gets two. Tomko up and going for a spine buster, but Orlando locks in a guillotine choke, and in short order, the ref calls for the bell. Orlando wins it, stands up, and poses to the boo’s of the crowd.

Back in his office, Hogan is shaking his head at the whole Abyss situation. In comes Lacey von Erich (!) who says that she has something for Hogan to see, hands him her iPhone, and tells him to watch that. Hogan ponders it for a second, and we go to

(ADS)

Ok, TNA, why are you telling people that you guys are having a house show tonight, WHILE you are having your TV show?

Backstage, and Eric is telling Tara to ovary up and get out to the ring. You see, Sarita didn’t like what Tara did to her tag team partner earlier, and Eric agrees with her.

Sarita vs. Tara

Sarita meets Tara on the ramp, punches her down, then kicks her off. Sarita drags Tara back into the ring who rolls out the other side. Sarita follows and proceeds to toss her into ring posts and ring steps. Tara rolled back in. Sarita goes up top, Tara runs underneath her, but Sarita keeps control with kicks and mat wrestling. Sarita goes after Tara who ties herself up in the ropes. To break them up, Slick Johnson drags Sarita away, who in her flailing, accidentally elbows Slick in the head. As Sarita is wondering what’s up with the ref, Tara sneaks up behind her with the knee brace and lays her out. She covers, Slick counts, and Tara steals another one.

(ADS)

Jeff Hardy Vs. AJ Styles Vs. (ADS)

Back.

Jeff Hardy Vs. AJ Styles Vs. Rob Van Dam

Bell rings, and Jeff and RVD collude to team up on AJ. AJ tried to fight them both, but eventually falls to double team action. After a double vertical suplex, RVD goes to pose but Jeff goes for the cover. RVD breaks it up and is like, “What the hell?” Jeff begs off, and then goes for a kick, which RVD catches. Jeff hits the jumping back kick, and RVD rolls out of the ring. Jeff and AJ go at it and they trade off partners for a while, AJ will fight Jeff, RVD will fight Jeff, Jeff will fight both of them off and then AJ will dominate for a minute. RVD gets chop blocked down by AJ who then locks in the figure 4. Jeff recovers and drops a leg on AJ. Jeff going up top, AJ goes and knocks him off. As AJ gets monkey flipped out of the corner, Mr. Anderson comes down and starts beating Hardy down. RVD goes for a thrust kick, but AJ pulls the ref in between them. RVD sees what’s happening to Jeff outside and goes to help. AJ puts the icing on the cake by hitting the no hands tope flip to the outside to take all three of them out. AJ and RVD fight their way back into the ring. After Anderson distracts RVD, AJ gets a rollup and using the ropes for leverage, gets the pin. AJ bails quick and RVD is pissed. Elsewhere, Mr. Anderson is laughing his way up the ramp.

Jeff grabs a mic, gets in the ring, tells RVD he’s got this, and then tells Anderson to get his monkey ass down to the ring and we’ll do this right now. Anderson makes like he’s going to head to the ring, then disregards him and goes to leave. Hit Hogans music, and here’s the man himself to keep Anderson from leaving. Anderson tries to beg off, and when that doesn’t work, he throws a punch, Hogan blocks, punches him, and sends him into Hardy’s flying forearm. Hardy throws him off the ramp and we go to

(ADS)

Back, and Hardy and Anderson are brawling all over the place. Hardy beats Anderson down, Sets him up on a table, goes up to the announce position, and then hits a swanton from the announce table! Anderson is dead, and Hardy is back up and standing victorious on the ramp.

After multiple angle viewings of the swanton, we are sent to video footage that Lacey Von Erich took when she went to pee earlier. In the bathroom, Chelsea is having her dress torn and ripped by Desmond Wolfe and they’re going over their lines to frame up Abyss. Fortunately, TNA tech guys are good enough to have put subtitles up for us so we know what’s going on.

Taz and Tenay hype sacrifice on Sunday, we get the music video package highlighting the feuds leading up to the PPV. After the video, fade out, Spike logo, and we are outta here.

TNA has been doing a pattern of good show, spotty show, good show, etc. This week, they were in good show mode. Everything was built up well and the PPV was hyped well enough that anyone who saw the show tonight should at least be interested in what’s going to happen on Sunday.

A couple notes from tonight. First: Poor Matt Morgan. He deserved better than to go down the way he did tonight. Granted, he did it while making Joe look awesome, but I don’t like that now he has nothing going on except his psychotic behavior and no titles to base it around. What I think would have been better would have been after taking the Muscle buster, Hogan comes out and says, “You wanted to know who your partner is, Well here he is!” and He and Samoa Joe are the new tag champs, which would be a great dynamic, because Matt could continue to carry around both belts (Because all Joe cares about is kicking people’s asses) and be the arrogant asshole he’s been doing so well, but at the same time he would be conflicted because there’s no way he’s going to beat Joe down after a match for stealing his thunder. As a team, they would be dominant, entertaining, and exciting to watch, but hey, what do I know, I’m just a schmuck on the internet.

Secondly: I’ve got to admit, I was wrong about Orlando Jordan. He’s taking his little gimmick, and making into something actually interesting to watch. At the beginning, yeah, it was a little too much, but in these past couple weeks, he’s finding just the right tone for the character to push the buttons marked “piss off the fans” and not the one marked “leave the fans not caring” He’s no 96-97 era Golddust by any stretch of the imagination (yet), but he’s got the basic blocks to build on.

Good show tonight, PPV is Sunday, and I’ll see you next week!