But on the other hand, I know how fickle wrestling fans can be, and I’m sure Vince does too, so I fear that Vince may just continue on doing exactly as he’s always done for the past 8 years because hey, as long as He’s still got 3.4’s and TNA is down in the 1.5’s why change his formula? Oh yes, and Vince will probably ride those 3.4’s with the added wankery of him taking juvenile potshots at TNA, because you know he can’t resist that temptation. In response, of course TNA will take those same juvenile potshots, because nothing screams Monday night war like an infantile pissing contest.

It’s time to cross the line!

Last week, Ric was pissed that Hogan gave his Hall of fame ring to Abyss, and stuff happened.

Intro, and yup, Jeff Hardy and Kong are both still in it, despite having no presence on Impact in 2 months and 6 weeks, respectively.

Lots of Pyro herald the beginning of Impact, Where AJ Styles (W/ Ric Flair and numerous classy broads). Ric grabs a mic, and immediately calls Hogan out, ostensibly to apologize and to give him a present! Aww, I like presents! I hope it’s a puppy! Puppies are so cute!

Here comes Hulk Hogan (W/ Abyss). Hogan is INTENSE, and Ric begs off, and offers the classy broads as a peace offering. Abyss gets nothing, tho. Hogan says he doesn’t need his apologies, his words, or his hits of Viagra. (Ha!) Hogan says that He promised Dixie Carter and the fans ratings and excitement, and says that on Monday, they’re getting it on. Hogan starts asking the question, and Abyss finishes, “What choo gonna do…” “When Hulk Hogan and Abyssamania run wild on you!”

Ric says that He wanted to be nice, but if that’s the way Hogan wants it, then on Monday night, he’ll do something that he has never done, and that’s beat Hogan on national TV. AJ grabs the mic, and asks Hogan if he really wants to do this; if Hogan really wants, on live Television, so get embarrassed by AJ Styles. You see, Hogan is old, AJ is young, and AJ advises that Hogan might just want to save some face and not step in the ring with AJ. Ric says, “you know what? Let’s get outta here and bang these hot broads!” (Paraphrased) This brings out Eric Bischoff who tells them “not so fast!” You see, AJ has business to take care of tonight, seeing as how he has a match with Abyss, Desmond Wolfe, and The Pope. This makes Ric and AJ appropriately berserk.

Backstage, Jeremy Borash is interviewing the Geico Gecko… oh wait, no, it’s Desmond Wolfe, and He essentially says that he’s going to win the 4-way tonight. Chelsea says she wants Abyss’ ring, because they both deserve some new gold tonight. Desmond says sure thing.

(ADS)

We’re back, and Eric is talking to someone, and berating them for having the incredibly stupid idea of forming a professional football league that would compete with the NFL (remember what I said about potshots?). Jeff Jarrett walks in, and he’s actually proud of his stint as a burger chef last week. Doesn’t matter where you put him, he’ll excel. Eric blathers, Jeff tells him to get to the point, and Eric spends 3 minutes making plumbing related innuendo, and then hands Jeff a plunger. Jef grabs it, and says that he’ll be the best damn janitor this company has ever seen!

Out to the ring, and it’s a non-title 4-way tag-team match between the Motor City Machine Guns, Generation ME, Beer Money, and Mornandez.

Saban and Jeremy start. Jeremy falls prey to the MCMG quick paced offense, and ME turns it around with more high spot based offense. This back and forths for a few minutes until Hernandez tags in and does some basic big man offense. Hernandez is about to do a Slingshot back in, but he gets blind tagged by Matt. Matt says I got this, does a double chokeslam on ME, and while he brags, ME rolls out right past Beer Money, who tag in. Matt turns around into a James Storm superkick, Roode rolls him up, 1-2-3, and Beer Money has momentum going into their next meetup!

Back in Erics office, Sean Morley and Slick Johnson are standing there, and Eric says that he needs Sean for something. You see, Jeff is so hot to get back into the action, that Eric went ahead and booked him in a fall count anywhere, no DQ match with Sean. Oh, he didn’t tell him, so he’s going to have Sean tell him right before he starts beating on him. He sends Sean to the men’s room, Tells Slick to call it down the middle, and orders Sean to get the job done.

(ADS)

Hogan is readjusting the pictures in his office when Kurt Angle walks in. Kurt asks Hogan to put Kurt in the match with AJ and Ric on Monday. Hogan says he appreciates what Angle is offering, but he’s got to do this for his own honor and respect. Angle says ok, and he’s got Hogans back.

Mick Foley Etiquette school segment. Not even going to touch this.

Back to the arena. And Sean Morley is outside the men’s room, and he gives Slick a WTF look. Slick goes what? “Ring the damn bell!” Slick annoyed goes “Ding! Ding! Ding!” and Sean storms in, calls out Jeff who is dutifully mopping, and proceeds to beat him all over the bathroom. Midway through, Jeff asks what the hell is going on, Slick screams in his face what’s going on, and Sean continues the beatdown. After a few more minutes of bathroom-based offense, Sean covers and gets the pin. Slick raises his arm, screams to no one in particular the result, and Sean says lets get out of here and let Eric know!

Elsewhere, Christy Hemme has Pope D’Angelo Dinero cornered, and Pope, Like Desmond earlier, promises victory. Oh, and if Ric gets involved, He’ll just have to get nostalgic, go back to the 80’s, and bring back a good old fashioned pimp slap.

(ADS)

Back, and we get a video package of the history and current hostilities between the British Invasion.

Out to the Ring, and Doug Williams is out to take on Big Rob Terry (champion vs. champion, no titles on the line).

Doug berates Rob to start and slaps him. Rob shoves him into the corner, choke applied, and lifts him up into a press slam. Bear hug follows, which Doug bites his way out of. Rob shrugs this off, picks Doug up for a power slam. Doug wriggles out, shoves Rob into the corner and runs into a back elbow. One chokeslam later, and Doug is done. As Rob celebrates his victory, Brutus Magnus Pearl Harbors him, and the 2 on 1 beatdown commences, with a lot of yelling of “wanker!”

Backstage, and Jeff is being seen to by a doc. Eric walks in, takes the doc’s place, and wrenches Jeffs arm. Of course, he’s not pleased with this, or the “match” in the bathroom, Eric calls him “picky” and says that if Jeff wants a match so bad, then fine, later tonight he’s got one, so he better heal up fast! Eric takes his leave, Jeff calls him a prick.

And Backstage, Mr. Anderson is WALKING and dressed like Kurt Angle, complete with skull cap.

(ADS)

Mick Foley’s Etiquette school: part 2. Still retarded and unfunny.

Video package recapping the hostilities between Mr. Anderson and Kurt Angle.

Mr. Anderson is out wearing Kurt’s ring gear, a skullcap, an oversized mouthpiece, and a big cookie sheet that has “loser” written across it. He calls himself the greatest wrestler in the world today, but also the most injury prone. He goes “owowowowowow” for a few seconds, and then proclaims that he just broke his neck for the 17^th time. He blathers about the other times he broke his neck (while tying his shoe, while walking in the park, while drinking a yoo-hoo.) But enough of that, Mr. Anderson (in character as “Angle”) calls into question Kurt’s integrity, says that Kurt is only nice when it behooves him, that he’s not honest, and by golly, he doesn’t care about the fans. Kurt has heard enough, comes down, and the fight is on. Kurt has the upper hand until Anderson throws a cup full of “liquid” into Kurt’s eyes. Anderson continues the beatdown, finishing up with an Angle Slam of his own. With Kurt out on the mat, Anderson steals back the warrior medal again.

(ADS)

Hogan is on the phone, telling nobody in particular to not believe what’s on the internet, but he’s interrupted by Abyss. Abyss has something to get off his chest. You see, when he was a little boy, his mom wouldn’t let him watch TV, but he still snuck up to see Hogan on TV. One day, his mother surprised him with a trip to see a sold out show in Cleveland where The Hulkster tore the place down. That affected him deeply, and when he saw Hogan lying in his own blood last week, he couldn’t stand it. When Hogan gave him the ring, he got the power of Hulkamania, and next Monday, he can take on Ric and AJ on his own! Hogan tells him to stop, and just like Abyss would never leave Hogan, Hogan will never leave Abyss. He knows Abyss has his power, and he’s counting on it next Monday, he knows Abyss will protect him. He thanks Abyss for protecting him and they share a manly hug.

Oh hey! It’s a video recap of the Beautiful People and their hostilities with Angelina Love. Earlier tonight, Angelina was in a photo shoot and the Beautiful People attacked her. Lacy holds her arms and Velvet starts whipping her. After a few strikes, Lacey says maybe she’s had enough. this sets Velvet off and she whips her a few more times, “NOW she’s had enough!” Madison and Lacey are a bit taken aback by Velvet’s hostility, and we go to…

(ADS)

Back, and Angelina Love is out to the ring, and she’s PISSED. She has a mic, and isn’t afraid to use it. She demands that Velvet Sky get out there and that she’s not going anywhere until she does. Velvet comes out swinging the belt tauntingly. Angelina isn’t having any such nonsense and goes out to meet Velvet. Velvet tries to run, but Angelina catches her, and she eats guard rail, after which the cameraman is nice enough to give us a close-up of Velvets ass before Angelina kicks it again. Angelina brings the beatdown into the ring, grabs the belt, and looks to use it on Velvet when the rest of TBP come down and turns the tide back in their favor. Velvet grabs the belt, and as the other girls hold her down, Angelina eats a few more belt shots. Hmm, I guess they got over the shock from Velvets earlier display of violence. TBP stands tall in the middle of the ring, raising the belt and the ugly stick high.

Backstage, and Bubba the Love Douche is berating Hogan for doing the incredibly stupid thing of stepping back into the ring when he knows it could cripple him. Hogan simply retorts that Hogan is Hogan, Bubba isn’t, and Hogan knows what he’s doing. Bubba tells Hogan not to cripple himself, and storms out.

(ADS)

Mick Foley’s Etiquette lessons: Part 3. Yup, still unfunny…

Video package of Hostilities again, this time between Nash, Young, and The Band. We will have to wait until Monday to hear what Nash has to say.

Out to the ring, and (Fat) Tomko is out to take on Jeff Jarrett. Taz and Tenay hype up that Jarrett is working with an injured wing. Less than a minute into the match, Jarrett has a cut on his nose. Tomko works the shoulder, with Jeff getting a few hope spots including a dropkick, but Tomko keeps beating him down. Match is moving at glacial pace with Tomko slowly moving to the next piece of big man offense, going for a cover, getting two, repeat. Jeff turns it around at the end when Tomko goes for a powerslam and Jarrett reverses into a DDT. Tomko charges into the corner, and Jarrett gets a victory roll to score the Pin! Jeff celebrates while small cuts back to Eric’s office show him in a very not happy mood.

(ADS)

Back, and Eric is now the one trying to talk Hogan out of the match on Monday. Eric says that he really doesn’t think that Hogan should do the match. Hogan says, “And where does that leave us?” If Hogan doesn’t do this, then his career means nothing, and everything he’s done with Bischoff will come to nothing. Abyss is like family, and if the chairs where on the other foot, Eric would do the same. Eric nods, says ok, fine, and takes his exit.

Out to the ring, and it’s time for our main event: Desmond Wolfe (W/ Chelsea) Vs. The Pope D’Angelo Dinero Vs. Abyss Vs. AJ Styles (W/ Ric Flair) for the TNA World Championship. This is a 4-corners match where two guys are legal and the other two have to tag in. AJ and Pope start, and AJ instantly goes after Popes bad ankle. They get away from each other, Abyss and Desmond get tagged in, and Abyss dominates. Pope comes in, delivers a right hand of his own, and we go to…

(ADS)

During the ads, everyone is still fighting.

(ADS)

Back, and AJ has taken control of the match. P{ope gets a kick on AJ, and then is distracted by Ric. AJ gets a dropkick and pulls the ref away while Ric hits Popes bad ankle a few times with a chair. Figure 4 locked in, and Pope struggles mightily, but can’t take it forever, and taps out, giving AJ the victory. Desmond comes back in, looks angry for a second, and then joins in on the post match beatdown of Pope. Abyss comes in and tries to help, but Ric gets Abyss from behind with the Barbed Wire Bat that he found under the ring. They continue the beatdown, and here comes Hogan, He grabs the bat, and blasts Flair with it. Flair bleeds, Hogan hits him again, Abyss is up, AJ and Desmond are back in, Pope is back in, and here comes Security to schmozz things up. With 4 minutes to 11, We go to commercial?

(ADS)

Back, and Hogan has a mic, and with the visual of a .3 Muta Flair, he says that that’s what’s happening 4 days from now. That people won’t recognize or remember him and AJ after Monday night. Pope jumps on the mic and says lets do this now! We don’t have time left, tho, and with the Spike-TV logo, we are off!

Whelp, there you have it, folks: The last show before the relaunch of the Monday night wars. Let’s hope it leads to a better product…