Anyway, on to more relevant topics: Things have happened in TNA! Samoa Joe failed to capture the title, The Nastys beat the Dudleys, thus ensuring them more TV time *groans*, and The Pope won the 8-Card Stud tournament. Sounded liked a nice, tight show, too bad I missed it.

Ok, time to put the VF-25F away and concentrate on the show at hand. I hear you laughing over there, toy. Don’t worry; I’ll beat you yet!

Continuing their tradition of broadcasting old news: Tonights main event for UFC is the time Frank Mir made Brock Lesner tap out. I mean, sure, there are only so many UFC matches to go around, but seriously, could they show stuff a little more current?

Let’s Cross the Line! It’s time for TNA

Cold open, and Eric Bischoff is getting out of a Limo, and is talking to someone who he says he will see in a bit. He announces to no one in particular, “Let the Games begin!”

Stuff happened at Against All Odds.

Musicalness, and I missed most of it getting a drink, was Awesome Kong still in it?

The Pope, D’Angelo DiNero is out with a shower of money to celebrate his win in the 8-Card Stud tourney. He asks if there’s a party going on, and says that Pope is Pimpin’! At Against All Odds, He did indeed defy all odds, and is now standing before you as the #1 contender. He says the only thing standing between him and his biggest bling is Arthur “No Class” Jackson and Dick Flair. “Wait: did I Just call him Dick Flair? That’s ok, because it’s true: Ric is a Dick!” Pope predicts his victory at Lockdown…

And this brings out the Champion, AJ Styles, Dick… Err… Ric Flair, and a few ho’s. AJ in the ring, and Ric has a mic. Ric asks Pope if he can read, and then tells him to read his Armani coat label. He tells a random guy in the audiece to shut up, and then returns his attention to Pope. His name is Ric Flair, and Pope has been idolizing him since he was 6 years old. He puts over AJ as the best wrestling machine in the world.

Pope says, “Your name may be Ric, but in Popes eyes, you’re still a Dick!” And he can take AJ, put a pair of sunglasses on him, dye his hair, but in the end, AJ is still a piece of crap. AJ gets into Popes face, screams about how he’s the champion. Pope says he’s unimpressed, and says, “Here’s the Pope in your face, AJ.” and decks him.

This leads to a two on one beatdown that ends with Popes ankle getting Pillmanized and AJ locking in a Figure Four as we go to…

(ADS)

Back, and moments ago: a Vicious attack on Pope.

Taz and Tenay are your hosts as they inform us that Impact is moving to Mondays on March 8^th. Let’s Hear it for Monday Night Wars!

Daffney (looking scorchtasticly hot in her living dead goth girl getup and having an entrance that may just supplant Melina’s as my favorite) is out to take on Tara. As the announcers blather on about a former TNA Champion returning tonight, Tara dominates Daffney early. I notice she’s wearing a t-shirt. She remedies this by taking it off and throwing it into the crowd and then runs into a Daffney boot in the corner. Daffney with the snapmares all over the place and punts her out of the ring. Tara gets a Iblockyourpunchbutyoudontblockmine and Daffney grabs a tool box, blasts Tara with it, and draws the DQ. She doesn’t seem to care, tho and continues the assault, ending with her dropping a guardrail on her and then going nuts on it with a chair. Dr. Stevie is out to restrain her and drag her away.

Backstage, and Mick Foley is in to apologize to Eric Bischoff, to which Eric says that Mick has nothing to apologize for and he put his heart into a great match. Eric introduces him to Jacqueline and Justin (She is rocking the slutty librarian look, He’s a Metrosexual douche looking guy.) Eric says that he’s giving Mick a makeover as they both start taking measurements (When Justin unexpectedly goes for his inseam, Mick is all, “Whoa! Hey!” Eric: “Hey, he’s gotta do what he’s gotta do.”) He sends Mick and the porn star bit players off on a shopping trip, courtesy of ATM Eric. As soon as they go off screen, Eric loses his smile, gets on his cell, and tells someone to get Abyss in here. Now!

(ADS)

Kevin Nash is arriving at the arena, and he looks mad.

Orlando Jordan (W/ a guy and a girl that look like they came out of scene 3 of American Bisexual 8: South Jersey Playtime) is out to take on Samoa Joe…

Who is backstage getting berated by Eric, telling him to impress him, daring him to impress him.

Joe finally makes it to the ring, and commences to beating the shit out of Orlando. Jordan comes back with a neckbreaker, and does his “O! J!” leg drop. Chinlock latched in, but Joe powers out. A few clotheslines, a running knee in a corner, and Joe puts him up on the turnbuckle and wails on him with punches and slaps. The ref tries pulling him away, Joe pushes him off, and Orlando takes advantage of his distraction by hitting a Tornado Backstabber. He goes for the cover, and gets the 3-count. Orlando bails, and Joe can’t believe it.

Backstage, and Abyss runs into Jeremy Borash and asks him if he knows why Eric Bischoff wants to talk to him. Jeremy hasn’t a clue, and Abyss is a bundle of nerves as we go to…

(ADS)

Back and Abyss is standing before Eric’s desk.. Eric says that he warned Abyss that if the bat wasn’t used in the match against Mick Foley at Against All Odds, that he knew what the consequences were. Abyss tries to placate Eric by telling him that he used the tacks, but that’s not good enough for Eric, and the consequences are Abyss will lose his mask tonight. Abyss takes this poorly, and despite Erics warnings that all the exits are guarded, he says he’s out of there.

In the Locker Room, Christy Hemme has Eric Young up against the lockers, and is asking him about Nash. Eric says that Nash has a lot to say, but he’s not going to say it back here. Also, that 6-Pac and Hall are scum that he hopes try to show up here tonight, because Eric will show them what’s what.

Hogan and Dixie talk up the upcoming Monday night wars as we go to (ADS)

Back, and as Jeff Jarrett is getting ready, Eric walks in with a barbed wire bat. He says that he was disappointed that the bat didn’t get used at Against all odds. He says that Jeff needs to use it in his match against Abyss later tonight and he’ll get Jeff a velvet Elvis painting or something. He tells Jeff not to let him down. Jeff says all right.

Out to the ring, and it’s an 8-Man tag match: Motor City Machine Guns, Brian Kendrik, and X-Division champion Doug Williams taking on Generation ME, Amazing Red, and the returning Kazarian!

As always with these guys, they move too fast and any attempt to recap the match is futile, so I’ll just skip to the end: Everyone else is put out of the ring, Kaz fights off Kendrick, Jumps over the top rope, and shoulderblocks a charging Doug Williams. Kaz slingshots his way back in right into a DDT. Kaz covers, 1-2-3, and Kaz’s team picks up the win. Kaz celebrates by getting on the turnbuckle and proclaiming he’s back.

Backstage, Abyss is frantically trying to get out of the arena. As he fights with a locked door, Slick Johnson finds him and tells him he’s got a match coming up next. Abyss keeps crying that he’s got to get away as we go to…

(ADS)

More hype for TNA on Monday night.

Back, and coming to the Ring, Abyss is set to take on Jeff Jarrett. Jeff has no entrance music, but he does have the Barbed wire bat.

They circle each other to start, and Abyss uses his size to quick advantage. Jarrett turns the tide with an enziguri and a dropkick. Jarrett uses his speed to stay out of Abyss’ reach and keeps control as they go out of the ring. Jarrett tries ramming Abyss’ face into a chair, but Abyss blocks and introduces Jeffs face to it instead. Back in the ring, and both men get clotheslines. As both men are down and the count starts, here comes Eric to look on sternly. As the count continues, we go to…

(ADS)

Back, and Abyss is controlling with a sidewalk slam, and Eric is still trying to do his best impression of Kreese from Cobra Kai. You know, I met Martin Kove at a convention last year. Did you know that he hates doing the Kreese thing for fans because it’s all they ask for and he’s sick of it. Kind of like how Leonard Nemoy was sick of fans telling him to “live long and Prosper” all the time. I mean, granted, Kreese is the most memorable thing the Martin Kove has ever done, but he just wants to let it go. Is that too much to ask of his fans? Oh yeah, Jarrett has the bat and looks like he’s going to use it. This brings a smile to Erics face, but Jarrett throws it down. This erases the smile from Eric’s face, and he says that he knew he couldn’t trust Jarrett. He calls the boys down, and Raven, Tomko, Desmond Wolfe, and Rhyno come down for the beatdown. They hold Abyss up and Eric gets in the ring. He taunts Abyss and goes to take the mask off…

And is interrupted by Hulk Hogan. Hogan makes his way to the ring, tells Abyss to get his ass back to his office, gives Eric a dirty look, and makes his exit. As the look of a boss barely holding it together crosses Hogans face, we go to…

(ADS)

Moments ago, Jarrett defied Eric, caught a beating, and Hogan saved (?) the day? Backstage, Abyss is making his way to Hogans office, being escorted by Security.

Out to the ring, Brutus Magnus and Rob Terry (yay! They finally acknowledged on TV that Terry has the Global title. It only took, what? 4 weeks?) is out to take on Beer Money.

Brutus and James start. Brutus tries to fly, gets a slap to the face for his troubles. James wanders too close to the wrong corner and Rob pulls him down. Rob gets a powerslam, Brutus tags in, but James wont stay down. Tag back to Rob who dominates, tag back to Brutus, who doesn’t. Tag to Roode who gives a spinebuster to Brutus. Rob charges through and is thrown out for his troubles. After a quick “Beer! Money!” James goes outside with a cross body to Rob. Brutus tries to hit a fireman’s carry slam, but Roode flips out, shoves Brutus into the corner where he’s kicked in the head by James. This leads to Beer Money hitting the Drinking While Investing and picking up the win.

After the match, Brutus grabs the mic and blames Rob for their failure tonight. He calls Rob a screw up, that he’s a disgrace to the British Invasion, and says that he doesn’t deserve the Global Title and snatches it from his hands. Rob turns to walk away, and then turns around and clotheslines Brutus out of his boots. He grabs the title and holds it high to a smattering of cheers. Looks like there’s a little dissention in the ranks of the British Invasion!

Backstage, Nash is pensive as he thinks about his upcoming confrontation with The Band.

(ADS)

Back, and Abyss is quietly freaking out in Hogans office. Hogan storms in and says he’s tired of this crap. Eric tries to storm in and is told to get out, which he quickly does. Hogan says he’s sick of Abyss acting like a scared little girl all the time. He says that Abyss isn’t as big a monster as Hulkamania, but he can be. He produces a ring, and says that it’s his Hall of Fame ring. He busted his ass and destroyed his body for 30 years to earn this ring. Hogan puts the ring into Abyss’ hand and tells him that the ring is his now, and that this ring will make him 10 times the superstar he is now. Abyss puts the ring on his finger, and let’s out a scream of triumph. Holy fucking god: Hogan just made Abyss a Green Lantern! Or maybe a Red Lantern… I dunno…

Out to the ring, Daniels is out to take on Kurt Angle. Kurt is pulling his straps up when Daniels attacks and punches Kurt down in the corner. The ref separates them, and Angle gets a clothesline, but Daniels gets a kick in. Daniels goes for a sunset flip, but Kurt grabs a boot. Daniels struggles against it, but Kurt drops down and locks in the ankle lock, and the tapout is perfunctory.

After the match, Kurt grabs a mic and acknowledges that Mr. Anderson beat him. Dubiously, but he still beat him. But that’s not what’s got Kurt pissed off, it’s what Anderson did with his Tag. You see, Kurt has done some pretty shameful things this past year (he breaks down for a second) and after he got arrested, he prayed to God and asked why this was happening? After he posted bail, he had an appearance at Fort Hood, and while meeting all the soldiers and their families, one of the soldiers pulled Kurt aside and said to him, “I believe in you, Kurt.” The soldier then gave him the tag. Kurt reads the inscription:

“Out of every 100 men, 10 shouldn’t be there, 80 are just targets, and we are lucky to have all of them. But there will be one, and he will be the one to lead us back”

I may have miswritten that, but that’s the gist. Kurt tells Anderson that when he used that tag to make Kurt bleed, and then spit on it, that he was making all those soldiers bleed, and that he was spitting on all of them. Kurt can’t abide by that, and he will not stop until he’s made Anderson bleed every last drop of blood. “Mr. Anderson, I’ll see you in hell!”

This brings Mr. Anderson out. He stands at the top of the ramp and we go to…

(ADS)

We’re back, and Mr. Anderson is being a dick, taunting Kurt’s emotional display. Anderson calls Kurt a suck up, and says that Kurt’s tag is nothing more than a utensil to carve him up. Anderson says he sometimes likes to make people bleed, and that if Kurt wants to do anything about it, why doesn’t he come do something about it. Kurt obliges and they meet on the ramp. Kurt gets a few punches in, but Anderson brains him with the hanging mic. Anderson gets the better of the exchange, and beats Kurt down. He grabs the mic, gets in Kurts face, and welcomes Kurt to “Total Nonstop ANDERSON!”

(ADS)

Back, and Borash is trying to get a few words out of Samoa Joe. Joe isn’t talking and Jeremy is about to walk away when a white van pulls up and a couple guys in black come out, force Joe into the van and they drive off. I share Taz’s reaction: “WTF just happened?”

Out to the ring, and Nash and Eric Young are walking to the ring. Nash grabs the mic, and he doesn’t remember the circumstances, but 17 or 18 years ago, he made Scott Hall and Sean Waltman his friends. He also bought a black suit 10 years ago, because he was sure he was going to put one of them in the dirt. He doesn’t know what’s worse in this business: The broken bones or the broken hearts. He tells them that he knows they snuck in the building, how about they make their way down to the ring. “I’ll be easy to find. I’m the big gray haired son of a bitch standing in the middle of the ring.” 6-Pac and Hall appear at the top of the crowd, and Nash invites them down. 6-Pac has barely gotten over the barricade when Eric Young is diving out of the ring and they start to brawling. Hall gets in the ring, does the toothpick throw, and now he and Nash are brawling. They get about 20 seconds of fighting in before Security comes down and breaks things up. Hogan appears at the top of the ramp, and while they are getting separated, Nash proclaims that next week, it’s on! One Spike TV logo and we are outta here.

Nicely done follow up show to the PPV. TNA is continuing to give us good, episodic television. Oh, and as a personal note, I can’t wait for the move to Monday, as that’s a much better day for recapping for me.

3.5 out of 5