I’m sure Vince & Co. have their reasons, and I’m also sure I’d disagree with all of them, what with me not being a cold heartless corporation and all, but still. Even though his send off was just about what it should have been, I didn’t know this was coming. Now that I do, the last two weeks of ECW are nothing but a slow trickle to an end, rather than the big breaking point between old and new that it could be. Dreamer wins the championship, boom, end of an era, with style. We move on to something new. But what do I know right? I know I’m probably past the ad-box now. Also, the pizza’s here, so let’s take the DVR off pause and get to it.

We open back stage, with Rosa Mendes and Zach Ryder giving each other Eskimo kisses. Gag. The rest of the ECW superstars are assembled and talking, when GM Tiffany comes in and calls this meeting to order. ECW going off the air means that they will all be free agents and go to whichever brand they want, and also be a part of NXT. It’s been an honor and privilege for her to serve as their GM. She checks that everyone knows what they’re doing tonight, and they all say yes (with a few “Yes ma’ams” thrown in, but not nearly enough). She tells them most of all to have fun tonight, and then gets out some Mardi Gras beads and a hurricane, and says “Because you know I will.” Oh yeah, they’re in Baton Rouge, LA.

She takes a drink and starts to leave. Zach asks her where she thinks she’s going, and she tells him to lighten up, there’s two weeks left for ECW, Mardi Gras starts this week, and the Saints just won the Superbowl. Ryder has lots of questions, and she’s just going to go party? Tiffany responds: “Woo woo woo. You know it!” and walks off.

Good gods of heaven and earth, please keep GM Tiffany, and please do not ruin her. I will never forgive you, WWE, if you do.

Match 1: Yoshi Tatsu/Goldust v. Trent Barreta/Caylen Croft

Winners receive Unified Tag Team Championship match next week

I know the ending to this is a foregone conclusion here, but let’s play along. Croft and Barreta start off with some arm work and punch exchanges. Goldust whips Barreta to the ropes and helps him out with a big arm drag, and tags it Tatsu. Tatsu and Barreta work the ropes with each other. Barreta gets a roll up, but Tatsu rolls through for a two count. Tatsu hits and arm drag into an armbar. He pushes Tatsu into the heel corner, and then tags in Croft.

Tatsu tries to power out but Croft is working him over. He gets two quick pins, but Yoshi kicks out. They keep Tatsu in their corner and Barreta comes back. Barreta knocks him down with a elbow block, and then gets a chin lock. The crowd gets behind Tatsu as he stands, forcing Barreta to land some more offense and throw him to the far neutral corner. Tatsu bounces out and catches Barreta coming at him, lifting him up and over so he lands face first on turnbuckle. Tatsu speeds to his own corner and tags in Goldust. Goldust goes through his move set, complete with rope work, and has Barreta on the ground. He gets him up and flings him into the ropes again, but Barreta holds on, and then rolls out of the ring. Goldust follows him out, they run around the Croft/Barreta corner and roll in. As he’s passing by, Barreta quietly tags in Croft, but Goldust doesn’t hear it. The referee does, so it’s a legitimate tag. Croft comes up behind him with a chop block.

Back from break and somehow Croft has Goldust down in an ankle lock and pulls him toward Barreta in the corner, tagging him in. The two put the boots to Goldust together, and then Barreta tags Croft back. Goldust is up and staggers to the near neutral corner, with Croft following, but Goldust is not out of it yet. He kicks at Croft twice, But Croft whips him awkwardly to the far corner, but Goldust falls awkwardly and rolls, clutching his left knee. Croft immediately attacks and works the knee against the ropes. Goldust rolls under the ropes so the referee backs Croft away. Of course, he has his back turned, so he doesn’t see Barreta who continues to work the bad leg from the outside. Tatsu sees, though, and protests, although all that does is keep the referee’s attention focused away from where it should be. Croft makes the pin and Goldust kicks out at Two. Croft grabs the leg, and tags Barreta in, who grabs the other leg. The two simultaneously pull Goldust’s legs apart, before Croft leaves. Barreta makes a cover, but gets only two. Goldust tries to head toward his corner, but Barreta grabs his leg and twists it around, with a sort of modified figure four. Goldust reaches to the sky for help, but gets none. He finally realizes that he’s got Barreta within arm’s reach so he grabs his hair and punches him until Barreta releases the hold. He heads toward Tatsu, but Barreta grabs his leg again. Goldust turns and strikes at Barreta who dodges and does what can best be described as a leg drag. He tags Croft, and he continues the work on the leg. Croft gets Goldust up and backs him into their corner, holding him there while Barreta blind tags himself. Barreta applies a few knees to Goldust’s face as he sinks down to a seated position, and then holds his knee there, getting another count from the referee. Barreta pulls him out and focuses again on the leg with elbow drops and holds. Another tag and Croft comes in for a quick pin and then Barreta is back in, via a leap over the top rope, and a kick to Goldust’s head. Barreta mocks Tatsu and then again applies a figure four variant, this time staying out of arm’s reach. He loosens the hold to adjust it, and that gives Goldust all he needs to kick Barreta off him toward his own corner. Goldust can’t make it to his, though, and Barreta comes back with a reverse headlock. Goldust lifts him up twice to attempt an atomic drop, but can’t get him positioned right either time. Both inch him closer to Tatsu, though, and Barreta picks up on it. He knees Goldust in the gut, and then turns to elbow Tatsu off the ring apron. Barreta turns his attention back to Goldust, but Goldust is ready with a back body drop. Goldust practically drapes himself over the top rope to reach out for Tatsu, but he’s still on the floor. Just as Tatsu gets there, Barreta hits a school boy, but Goldust rolls all the way through and is up on his feet. Barreta charges and Goldust power slams him over, and both men are down. Goldust works the crowd up for the tag and finally gets it, but Barreta is also able to tag in Croft.

Tatsu comes out a house o’fire with patented kick-offense. He flies off the ropes with a spinning heel kick, and then repays Barreta for the elbow off the apron. Back body drop for Croft, and a few more kicks. Croft staggers into the corner, and Tatsu follows in with two high knees. Somersault out of the corner followed by a kick, and a pin, but Croft kicks out of it. Tatsu heads up top in the far neutral corner, and hits a super spinning wheel kick, and makes the pin, but Barreta breaks it up. Goldust takes offense at this and hits a huge bulldog on Barreta that sends Goldust flying out of the ring too. Croft runs at Tatsu, hoping to slingshot them both off the rope, but Tatsu holds on and Croft flies back with nothing. Tatsu hits a big high kick to Croft’s temple and down he goes. Tatsu makes the pin and Croft has a bloody nose. The referee counts one … two… three?? Awesome! Winner: Yoshi Tatsu and Goldust

Okay, I was wrong. But I’m glad I was!

Match 2: Ezekiel Jackson (w/William Regal) v. Perry “Red Trunks” Wallace

Perry is from Baton Rouge. This is nice, because then his family doesn’t have to go far to watch Ezekiel completely squash him. Fresh out of an ECW Championship match. If WWE NXT does not have this kind of ridiculous booking, then that will be an improvement.

After the obvious happens, Zeke throws Wallace out of the ring and exclaims that this is “his ring.” Regal comes in to the ring to observe, and then grabs the mic. The crowd boos, and he waits for them to stop and then begins. He hopes our GM has not succumbed too far into her debauchery (ha!) to hear what he has to say. The ECW Championship match at the Royal Rumble was a travesty and evidence of bias. Blah blah blah. How long ago was this, Regal? He further insults my girl, Tiffany, and then suggests that her final decision as ECW General Manager should be her finest, and she should make a rematch between Ezekiel and Christian at the last ECW show ever next week.

Zeke takes the mic, and tells Christian that if he accepts the challenge, next week both ECW and his reign as ECW Champion are over.

Isn’t that kind of true either way, no matter what the outcome of the match, genius?

As the final ECW Champion (*gag*) that will be the beginning of the rise of Zeke’s dominance. He quotes some Ezekiel Bible verses and we’re out.

Backstage after some time is wasted, Christian responds. Regal is like a rash that won’t go away. Christian accepts the rematch, but he wants to blow it out big, as only ECW can. Extreme rules, baby!

Don’t tease me, Christian. Make it REAL Extreme Rules

Match 3: Shelton Benjamin v. Vance Archer

No DQ/No count out match

Wow, it’s forty minutes in. That means this will be twenty-plus minutes of Vance Archer. Well, first Shelton has a microphone and has some stuff to say. He starts with “Who dat!” which everyone cheers. He was not happy when he came to ECW, because he was too good for ECW. His first week, Tatsu kicked him in the head and pinned him in ten seconds. That was his wake up call, because every week after that, the young superstars showed him the heart and passion it takes to make it in this industry, and earned a little more of his respect. He made friends he never thought he’d make, done things he didn’t think he’d do. The crowd is doing that annoying “What?” thing they do, except their saying “Who dat” instead. He says he’s going to miss each and every one of the young superstars, except for one. And while this is where “Who dat” would actually make sense, the crowd has tired of it by now. Besides, we know “who dat” is. Dat is Vance Archer. Vance sticks to the shadows, smiles and shakes your hand, but stabs you in the back. Tonight? Is a no DQ match, and he can’t wait for his last ECW moment to be him wiping that smile of Archer’s face and beating him like he’s never been beaten before.

Okay, that and commercials/video packages took up ten minutes, so this may not be so painful. Vance Archer comes to the ring, and does not get a microphone, so we get straight to the rasslin’. And rasslin’ we do, as they lock up and try to out power each other. Shelton wins early with a shoulder block. The two circle again and lock up again. Shelton has a bear hug from behind and takes Archer to the mat. He applies a headlock, and they both get back to their feet. Archer pushes him off to the ropes and Benjamin springs back with another shoulder block, knocking him down again. Archer powders out and Shelton paces in side the ring. The referee stays between them. I have no idea why, since it’s no dq/countout. Archer climbs the stairs and gets back into the ring. Another lock up and Archer gets Benjamin back into the corner. Archer applies several blows and then kicks as Benjamin sinks down to the mat. Archer takes a moment to admire his work, but this gives Benjamin opportunity to get back into it. He whips Archer into the ropes and lands him with an elbow. Another exchange and this time Archer tries to counter with a knee to the midsection, but Benjamin reaches underneath the leg and grabs it. It looks like a school boy, but he changes it to a single leg Boston crab. Archer makes it to the ropes and holds on, but so does Benjamin, and I think this is the first time I have ever seen this done right. Archer looks to the referee who just shakes his head. Since it’s no DQ, he can’t force Benjamin to break the hold. Nice. Logic in a wrestling match. Huh. Archer reaches out and grabs the ring apron and pulls himself toward it, which does force Shelton to release the hold. Archer pulls himself up outside the rope and Benjamin attacks, but Archer drives him back with a punch. Archer tries to climb up top, but with his leg numb and all, it takes him a while. Long enough for Shelton to recover hit the second rope and then nail Archer with a kick to the side of the head. Archer hits the floor. We hit some commercials.

Somehow, through the miracle of ridiculously bad editing, we return to find all sorts of interesting things happened during the commercial. Except they didn’t, because we aren’t watching this live. Archer finds a kendo stick under the ring (which is where I keep my kendo sticks). He gets slowly to his feet as the camera pans over next to the announce table, where we see Benjamin has teleported. Archer turns to nail Shelton with the kendo stick, but Shelton is ready with a steel chair for the block. He nails Archer in the midsection with the edge of the chair, and then starts to wind up, all Pete Townsend style. To say he nails Archer on the back with the chair would not do it justice, especially since Archer was bending over the steel steps at the time. Shelton turns to finish him off, but Archer gets him up in a fireman’s carry and drops him face first and straddling the barrier. He follows it up with a boot to the head, and Shelton crumples to the floor. Benjamin has a cut on his head, and Archer stomps than punches Benjamin. Archer tosses him back into the ring and covers for a two count. Archer kicks at him again, and the referee steps in between and backs Archer to the corner, and calls for medical to come in. Huh? He makes a big show of putting on gloves and getting ready. The cut happened ‘during commercial’ when Archer hit Benjamin’s head on the announce table. He pokes around at Shelton’s cut for a while, and then leaves the ring. So much for that logic from earlier.

After, whatever this sis is done, Archer comes back at him, and the two have a hockey fight. Benjamin, who was semiconscious before, is wide awake and drives Archer back to the corner, and sits him up on the top turnbuckle. He stands on the top ropes to go for a superplex, but Archer has other plans. He stands and dives off, with a big super slam from the top rope. He makes the pin, and it’s one…two…NO! Shelton “digs deep” and kicks out at two. Archer comes back and hammers Shelton in the back of the head. He goes totake the pad off the turnbuckle. He drags Shelton to the corner and pulls him into the exposed metal. He hits Benjmain with a knee drop and then some punches, finally into an armbar. Bemjamin digs deep again, and gets to his feet. He punches Archer in the midsection a few times, but Archer throws him chest-first into one of the padded corners. He makes another cover, but only gets two. The heel beat down continues. Archer gets Shelton into a bear hug. Shelton feeds off the crowd and powers out, raining blows onto Archer. Archer tries to recover, but Shelton hits the corner and bounces off into him. He hits Archer with a number of shoulder blocks, and a spinning kick. Shelton gets a slow two-count. Archer suckers Benjamin in to a quick shoulder block to the gut, and tries for something, but Benjamin counters into a belly-to-back suplex. Archer gets to the corner and Benjamin runs in, but Archer dodges. No worries, Benjamin hops up top, grabs Archer’s head, and flies with a flying neckbreaker. Benjamin waits for Archer to get into position, which he does. Shelton hits Paydirt (although a crappy one, since it looked like Archer was out of position for the move). Benjamin makes the pin and one, two, three. Winner: Shelton Benjamin.

Kind of slow and plodding, especially at the end. Archer was sucking wind a lot toward the end, which has me wondering if the medic break was to give Archer a break.

Next week is the final episode folks! Don’t wanna miss it! Hey, come hang out in chat! Link will be posted in the thread.