We start off with the Abraham Washington show, with ECW Champion Christian. The silence is deafening, but eventually there are some boos as people get to their seats and realize there was no reason to hurry. And damn Tony Atlas for making me giggle a couple of times during his monologue. Anyway, Christian and Washington are interrupted by Zach Ryder and Rosa Mendes, who says no one cares about Christian’s title reign. The real news this week is this. And by ‘this’ he means the mug shot of Greg “Hurricane” Helms that is up on the Titantron. That is certainly conduct unbecoming a super hero. “Stand back! There’s a criminal coming through.” Thus Zach believes he is “the heart and soul superhero of ECW.” Christian asks if Zach is just jealous because Helms made it on TMZ, and Ryder never has. And Helms actually gets recognized, even though their both on television. Ryder brags he was in the Royal Rumble, but Christian says he must of blinked, because he missed that. Christian insists Helms made a mistake. Just like Tiffany made a mistake giving Abraham Washington his own talk show. Just like Christian mad e a mistake agreeing to be on said talk show. Just like Ryder made a mistake when he thought his hair looked really cool today. But his biggest mistake was hooking up with Tila Tequila here (meaning Rosa Mendes). Ryder is offended and Pushes Christian in the face. The brawl begins but Washington separates the two, and then cues the ‘end of segment’ music.

Normally, I don’t abide any besmirching of GM Tiffany, but Christian has a point here.

Match 1: Shelton Benjamin v. Vance Archer

Opening lock up and the two exchange stiff offense. Benjamin gets Archer into the corner and keeps him there with a series of kicks, until the referee pulls him off. That allows Shelton to get a few licks in, and Archer rolls out. Archer is just thinking about getting back in when Benjamin dives over the rope and out of the ring, sending them both sprawling. Benjamin sprawls less and attacks Archer, sending him back into the ring. He climbs in after him, and Archer hits him with a kick. Archer rains power fists down on him, and gets him in a headlock. Shelton pushes him off and into the ropes, but Archer bounces back out and gets Shelton in a standing chin lock. Shelton gets behind him and lifts him up for a side suplex? Maybe. Whatever it is, Archer is down, Shelton hits the ropes, and clobbers him from behind. Archer again rolls out of the ring to recover. Shelton leaps from the top of the steps, but Archer dodges, and Benjamin eats guard rail. Archer is still seeing stars, so we take a break.

Back in the ring, and Archer has Benjamin in an armbar abdominal stretch combo. Shelton powers up slowly to his feet, but Archer hammers him in the back. Shelton flies out of the corner and Archer keeps up the punchy-kicky-stompy. He picks Shelton up and hits a suplex, and then gets a two count with his pin. He goes back the arm bar this time with a neck stretch attacked. Benjamin again gets to his feet slowly, applies slaps liberally, and then hits the ropes again, but Archer catches him in a side body slam. Archer makes another pin, and gets another two count. Archer applies several knee drops, and goes back to working the arm and shoulder. Benjamin kicks straight up and hits Archer in the face twice, and they separate. Benjamin recovers in the corner, but Archer comes after him again, whipping him into the far corner. Archer comes flying in with a high knee, but Shelton moves just in the nick of time, so Archer’s patella hits the turnbuckle pad. Benjamin chop blocks the same knee while Archer is holding it, and then shoulder blocks him to the mat. Twice. He grabs the sore leg and looks like he’s going to do either a figure four or maybe a single leg Boston crab, but no, he just slams the foot into the canvas as if it were a DDT. Foot DDT maybe? Archer crawls to the corner and Benjamin flies into him, only to eat Archer’s elbow. Archer tries to go for a vertical suplex, but Benjamin continues on over to land behind Archer and then hits a neck breaker. Benjamin crawls over for the cover, and gets a two count for his own self. They exchange whips and Benjamin ends up in the corner, but leaps up when Archer follows him in, landing behind him, and trying for a sunset flip maybe. Archer counters with a Thesz press once Benjamin gets into position. But while he gets Benjamin’s shoulders down, they’re close enough to the ropes that Benjamin can grab on, so he has to break the hold. They move out of the corner a bit, and Archer pulls Shelton’s legs out from under him, and pushes his shoulders back for a pin. He puts his feet on the ropes, but the referee doesn’t see it. One, two…THREE! Winner: Vance Archer.

Match 2: Yoshi Tatsu (with Goldust) v. Trent Barreta (w/Caylen Croft)

Thank the gods, they put Barreta’s and Croft’s names down the side of their tights. The two circle each other, then lock up, and exchange arm locks and other opening like offense, including some gymnastics-influenced ring work, where they each dodge each other, until Tatsu hits with a drop kick. Tatsu armdrags Barreta into an armbar, but it’s early yet, so Barreta gets out easily. He throws Tatsu out of the ring, or so he thinks! Tatsu grabs the rope and pulls himself back in, and tries for a high roundhouse kick to Barreta’s head. He turns around just in time though and ducks it, backing up into the ropes, so the referee has to intervene. He clobbers Tatsu with one punch…seriously. And then goes to work pulling his hair, and then a big slap. The slap drives Tatsu back into the bottom ropes, and Barreta follows up with knees to the head. He backs off when the referee says to, and then puts Tatsu into the corner, hitting a European uppercut, and then pinning him to the ring post with a knee to his head. Again he’s pulled off, with a warning. He pulls Tatsu out and hits his own drop kick, and then makes a pin for about one and a half. He drags Tatsu into the middle of the ring, and gets a chinlock. The crowd tries to get behind Tatsu, and Barreta doesn’t keep the hold for long. He hits him in the head a few times, and then back into the chinlock. Tatsu gets to his feet (or Barreta pulls him up. I can’t really tell) and Tatsu slams Barreta back-first into the corner, breaking the hold. Tatsu attacks, but gets a big boot. He hits the rope but Tatsu’s ready and lands a back body drop, to the crowd’s delight. Tatsu comes out with his kicks and drives Barreta into the corner, finishing him off with double knees to the chest. He tries to snapmare him out of the corner, but Barreta digs in. He lifts Tatsu up, but that just gives Tatsu more power, and he rolls him out, and follows up with a roundhouse kick. But he only gets two count in the rest of the pin. Tatsu heads up top, but Barreta has recovered and follows him, so that Tatsu is on the second ropes outside in the corner, and Barreta is inside. Tatsu pushes him off successfully, but Barreta comes right back, and hits the hurricanrana. He goes for the pin, but Yoshi rolls through, but then Barreta pushes him back for a two count. Barreta argues with the ref, and ignores the fact that Tatsu is teeing him up for the big roundhouse kick to the head. He falls over, and Tatsu makes the pin. Winner: Yoshi Tatsu.

Big important announcement segment:

Okay, folks, here we go. Vince silly walks… well, not really. I’m kind of shocked. He just wanders out on to the top of the ramp, not even bothering to go to the ring. He “proudly announces” that ECW will be going off the air. He thanks everyone, cast and crew for all their hard work. Gee, I hope this isn’t the first they are hearing about this! However, the good news (which remains to be seen, really) is that ECW is being replaced by another wrestling show, the next evolution of the WWE, and indeed of television history. And that, as they say, is that.

Huh. But before you can puzzle over that announcement, we cut back from the announce table to the center of the ring where we see Gregory Helms dressed in a suit. A very baggy ill-fitting suit, at that. He introduces his guests, William Regal and Ezekiel Jackson. He asks Jackson how he plans on getting past his loss to Christian, which Regal turns around into what a trying week it’s been for Helms, what with his legal unpleasantness and all. Helms insists he’s jus there to do his job, but Regal tells him his job is going to get worse, and Zeke attacks him from behind. Zeke and Regal double team him, and no one comes out to help. Well, eventually, Christian comes out with a kendo stick, well past any usefulness for Helms, and drives both of them off. They all stare menacingly at each other for a bit and then we’re done.

So…punishment for being drunk in Kentucky? Beginning of a new feud, but with only three weeks left to have it? I’m all confused now.

Match 3: Christian v. Zach Ryder (w/Rosa Mendes)

Okay, that’s why Christian came to the ring. But there’s three minutes left (unless this is an overrun). We shall see. They lock up, Ryder shoulder blocks a still-yellow Christian (Mr. Fire says “Maybe that’s how Canadians tan”) to the mat. They lock up again and do another quick exchange before Ryder backs into the corner and holds his hand up as if to say “No mas! No mas!” He gets a break from the referee, and then moves out slowly. He gets Christian with a kick to the gut and then a downward hammerfist to the back. He clubs Christian a few more times and pushes him against the second rope. Rope exchange and Ryder flies right into a spinning heel kick from Christian. Ryder climbs up the outside of the rope as Christian flies off the far rope. Ryder shoulder blocks him through the ropes, sending him backward. Ryder tries to suplex him over the rope, but Christian counters with a slap to the face. Christian slides out of the ring in between Ryder’s legs and pulls them out from under him, so Ryder’s face hits the apron. Ouch. Ryder tries to climb back in (as Mendes comes around to check on her man) and Christian baseball slides from across the ring, knocking him into the announce table. Christian goes out after him, and rolls him back in. He climbs up top, but is distracted by Mendes, allowing Ryder to recover a bit. Christian flies and Ryder catches his legs. Before he can do anything, Christian makes it to the ropes, so Ryder has to break it up. But not before he slingshots Christian throat first into the bottom rope. Ryder makes the cover, but gets two. And we are now into overrun. Ryder gets a leg drop, and then another two count, before going into a chinlock. Christian powers out with some uppercuts to the ribs, followed by a Christian-slap, which sends Ryder back to the ropes. But Ryder comes out strong with a Rough Rider and then gets a two count. Christian climbs back into the corner, Christian slaps Zach again, and we start over. He goes up top, Ryder follows. Christian punches shim off and files with a cross body. He hooks the leg, but only a two count. Rosa is RELIEVED~! Christian powers up and lands a few more punches. Another rope exchange, and he shoulder blocks Ryder and sends him to the corner. Now it’s Ryder’s turn to go up top. He flies, but Christian catches his leg and lifts him up to drop him on his face. Christian looks out into the crowd and the leaps onto Ryder’s back, driving his ‘throat’ into the rope. He leaps over the top rope to the floor and slaps Ryder again. He climbs back up all the way to the top and hits a missile drop kick, for a two count. Ryder kicks out. Christian tries for the sunset flip, but Ryder shifts his weight and doesn’t let Christian roll through (didn’t we just see this?) and pins him for two. Ryder throws Christian into the corner, and then Ryder runs in, but Christian moves just in time to hit the Fulcrum. Christian again flies with an uppercut. He sets up for the Killswitch, and hits it the first time! He makes the pin and one, two…NO! Because Zeke and Regal have arrived! They attack Christian, as the referee calls for the bell. Winner by Disqualification: Christian

Zeke and Regal continue their Onslaught (ha!) outside of the ring, throwing Christian into the steel steps as their finisher. They gloat over his body as we fade out.

Okay, so ECW is going away, and something else that is allegedly really cool is going to take its place. But we don’t know what it is. Okay, that’s losing some points, as does the mere presence of Abraham Washington. The matches themselves were somewhat entertaining, even though Vance Archer seems to still be on slow motion. So my rating 2.7