Wow… that was pretty pretentious of me. I mean, I’m typing this without even having asked Rick if he even wants me to do TNA recapping. Here, let me do that * goes to e-mail *
 

Well, for the past 6 months, I’ve been getting more and more impressed with what WWE has been putting out (Miz being awesome, DX being pretty funny, Kofi destroying Randy that one night) and I keep hearing from some of my new co-workers that TNA has started getting their act together. I stop and watch a few shows, but it doesn’t take. Last week, however, things changed.

My favorite wrestler of all time is Bret Hart. So when he hosted Raw last week, it was an easy choice to make. Oh sure, I was curious about TNA and what they were offering, but I had to see my Bret. And let me tell you, whenever he was on screen, it was electrifying. I was riveted and couldn’t wait to see what would happen next… with him. Everything else on the show (with the exception of the DX/JeriShow match) kinda fell flat. I still felt I did the right thing having watched it.

Then came the next day, and my co-worker was telling me about how much I missed out on by not checking out TNA. I promised him I’d download the show and give it a watch.

I did.

And I did.

And Oh. My. God!

Bret’s return was great, but TNA last Monday night was ELECTRIC. There wasn’t a moment in that show that I couldn’t wait to see what would happen next. When Hogan appeared, I got caught up in the atmosphere just like everyone else. And the Kurt Angle vs. AJ Styles main event? If that’s not a nominee for MOTY, I’ll shoot something!

So here I am, ladies and gents, humbly giving myself over to Online Onslaught to become the new TNA recapper. When I was recapping before, I was more in the Scott Keith/CRZ do super detailed recap of everything I see mode. As it is, for right now, until I get the hang of this whole thing again, I’ll do the “All you need to know” format that seems to be all the rage around these parts. Please forgive me if I don’t know all the names, it’s been a while.

9:00, time for TNA!

We get started with a quick look back at last week. Hogan, Flair, Hardy in the Impact zone. Hey, There’s Scott Hall and Pac! Uh oh, Look out for Eric Bischoff! Everyone has to earn their spot! Jeff Jarret has to earn his spot! Oh Noes! Look out behind you Mick Foley!

Pyro, and we are in the impact Zone, and this Sunday is TNA Genesis! Tonight, we’ll find out who will be in the main event, but first

Tag Match: Generation ME vs. The Motor City Machine Guns. Apparently this is a tag team tournament of some sort.

GME are a couple pretty boys. They haven’t bothered naming them, so I’ll just call them Blondie and Black. Black starts with Sabin. Chain wrestling, tags in Alex, and Black is named as Max and Blonde is named as Jeremy by Tenay. Jeremy comes in and gets double kicked for his troubles. Max and Alex wrassle for a bit and Max gets a pretty sweet springboard blockbuster, tags in Jeremy who backflips all over the place and hits a slingshot facebuster. Near falls and tags and high flying trickery eventually lead Sabin to be left lying outside and Alex gets taken down with a super kick by Jeremy, 450 splash from Max, and moonsault from Jeremy all in quick order. 1-2-3! WTF? Generation ME beats the Motor City Machine Guns! Well that’s interesting!

We cut to back stage and the Nasty Boys have apparently not left the Dudley Boyz locker room in the past 10 days. The place is trashed and they’re making jokes about the Dudley Boyz being used to living in pig pens when they start hearing a pounding on the door. They make jokes (“Dave’s not here!”) while a couple of irate voices on the other side demand to be let in. Before they get in, we go to…

(ADS)

Back, and Hogan is telling us (documentary style) that TNA is taking over the world.

Back to the Zone, and here’s Kurt Angle all snazzy in a suit. He is positively subdued as he walks to the ring. Dare I say he looks rather humble? He grabs a mic, and wants to give credit where credit is due to AJ Styles. He says that AJ is no fluke, that Kurt gave everything he had, and he couldn’t best AJ. AJ proved he was the better man… THAT night. You see, the test of who is the better man is who can get that last big win, and Kurt says that at Genesis, it’s going to be him. It’s real. It’s Damn Real! (Never got used to that. I so want him to bring back “It’s True.” I know that it’s copyright WWE, but still…)

This brings out AJ Styles. He appreciates that Kurt took his loss like a man. AJ admits that if this were a series, that both of them would have won some and lost some, but in the end, it would still be AJ with the gold. AJ acknowledges the fact that the fans want AJ/Kurt one-more-time, but this is Kurt’s last shot of 2010. Kurt says that he will only need one last shot, and takes his leave.

We cut to Taz and Tenay, and they start talking about… holy shit! Mystery Masked Man (who apparently has been making AJ’s life hell for the past few months) appears and attacks out of nowhere! He lays AJ out, gets him in the ring, puts him down, and stands over him as he slowly removes the mask to reveal… Tyson Tomko! (Who apparently has a bunch of squealing tween girl fans. Who knew!?) On that image, we cut to…

(ADS)

Moments ago, last paragraph.

Backstage, Christy Hemme is with The Band (Nash, Hall, and Pac). Before she can ask any questions, Bubba the Love Douche… err Sponge comes in and chauvinistically dismisses Christy and asks the Hard Questions: Where has Mick Foley been? They evade, slur, and bounce around the answer, and Bubba gives up and sends it to…

Ass… Ass… Ass… Oh! It’s The Beautiful People making their entrance. They are unexpectedly Reunited with Angelina Love at ringside. The girls are all squealy, but Angelina is staying pretty stoic. Hmm… After the obligatory Girl/Girl kiss tease…

Here comes the Women’s Tag Champs Awesome Kong and Hamada! This is a non-Title match. Velvet starts with Hamada, makes fun of her for a bit, and then cheaps her way into a double team in the BP’s corner. Madison tags in, they try some double teaming, Hamada trips them up, rolls over for a tag and Awesome Kong is in. One double stack splash and awesome bomb on Madison later, and the Tag Champs win. Hamada has a visible limp as she takes her title and walks out.

After the match Angelina gets in the ring, spears down Lacy and Velvet, then starts beating the hell out of Velvet. She rams her into the guardrail and screams that you can never replace Angelina Love!

AJ is walking around and is pissed as he barges into Eric’s office. He demands to see Hogan, Bischoff corrects him, “Mr. Hogan”, AJ is all, “Whatever” and demands Tomko in the ring tonight. Bischoff says, “Hey, I need a main event, and it’s gotta mean something. Are you willing to put the title on the line?” AJ pounds the desk and says, “Book it!” AJ storms off, Bischoff says he loves that kid!

(ADS)

Back, and Beer Money is looking for Bischoff…

Oh wait, not back, More (ADS)

Smokin Aces 2? Really?

Jeremy Borash walks into Bischoff’s office. Eric’s talking to someone, says he can’t wait to see him, hangs up. Borash asks Eric what’s up with Mick Foley. Eric turns it back around on Borash, because he was the one who let the banned Mick Foley into the building. He tells him to find Mick himself, and says that if Borash makes a mistake again, he’s gone. As Borash slinks away, Beer Money has found Eric’s office. They don’t have a problem with Eric, but they DO have a problem with Eric’s boys, Hall and Nash. They want Hall and Nash at Genesis. Eric takes their beer, and says he’ll get back to them.

And now, a Tag Match! It’s Lethal Consequences out to take on Team 3D. Well, they were, but Bobby Lashley is out to do the destroyifying. Spinebusters for all, and now Krystal Lashley has a mic and says that until she gets her meeting with Hogan, than Bobby will destroy the entire TNA roster one by one. They laugh at their victims and take their leave…

And look out! Brother Ray has an Axe! A quick shot to the head of Jay Lethal, a 3-D on Creed, and they pick up the easy win. Bubb… err… Brother Ray has a mic, and he’s pissed that the Nasty Boys have taken over their locker room. He wonders where the Nasty Boys have even been for the last 10 years and can’t believe that Hogan could even walk forward with them riding his coat tails. They go back to the locker room to kick some ass. After pausing to remove their nameplate from the door (funny moment), Ray axes it in. After they see the devastation that has been wrecked upon their locker room, they get pearl harbored by the Nasty Boys. After the beatdown, we go to…

(ADS)

Back, and hey! Tyson Tomko has a video where he says that HE was the driving force behind He and AJ’s tag team.

Back to the Zone, and Sean Morley (The Wrassler formerly known as Val Venis) is out wearing the street clothes. Apparently he can’t say “Hello, Ladies” anymore, so now he says, “Ladies, I’m here!” He says that he used to go by another name, but those days are over. He used to be an actor in certain kids of “film” but he’s moved beyond that, that he’s a producer, director, and distributor now. He says that TNA is poised to explode! And the thing that will push them over the top: A Film Division! He starts talking about how great his films will be…

And here comes Daniels! Daniels doesn’t want to interrupt, but he wants to be the first to welcome him to the new day. He says he’s got some Hollywood experience and wants to pitch a screenplay: “There’s this honorable guy who deals with a sleazebag, and after a few twists and turns” And with that, Daniels clotheslines Morley out of his shoes. Daniels does the beat down, and hits the Best Moonsault Evah! He grabs a mic and rants about how he doesn’t want Morley’s filth in TNA and that he didn’t fight his way back from being fired to have Morley stink up the place. He goes to do something, and Morley fights back. After clotheslining him out, Morley stands tall in the ring. Daniels seethes as we go to…

A video package Hyping the Tara/ODB feud.

Backstage, Jeff Jarrett is walking, and he has Some Dude with him. We’ll find out what they’re about after these

(Ads)

Back, and “The Blueprint” Matt Morgan and Hernandez are out to take on Beer Money, Inc.

Hernandez and Storm start, with storm getting the early advantage by working Hernandez’s neck. Tag to Roode and they don’t notice that Hernandez has tagged in Morgan as they do their “Beer” “Money” thing and eat a double clothesline. A little reversey action and Hernandez gets the blind tag and Beer Money are taken unawares by a spring-boarding Hernandez. Hernandez is a house afire and he hit’s a tope to the outside to take them down.

Rob Terry of The British Invasion attacks Hernandez and the ref calls the match. Hernandez and Terry fight to the back, passing Pac as they go by. The rest of The Band comes out, and the fight is on. They meet up face to face in the ring and eventually the numbers get to Beer Money. After brawling for a bit, security and refs are out to break things up. Here comes Uncle Eric, and he’s got something to say, but we’re going to have to wait until after these

(ADS)

to hear what he has to say.

Ok, I know that we saw this movie 15 years ago when it was called The Prophecy and starring Christopher Walken, but Dammit, I can’t wait to see Legion. I mean, I’ve got a T-shirt and everything!

Moments ago, Beer Money got beat down. During the break, Eric said something cryptic about the next round being on him.

Back to live, and Eric doesn’t know what to do with The Band. Hall helpfully suggests a raise. Eric says he has no choice to make a match…

Hall, “Where I drink all their beer?”

Eric says no, but you guys will have a match. So at Genesis, it’s Hall and Nash vs. Beer Money.

OMGWTFBBQ!!!!11!!!ELEVEN!!! Sting is in the Rafters!!!

Another video: Tomko is pissed that AJ never called him back while he was out with an injury.

Moments ago: OMGWTFBBQ!!!!11!!!ELEVEN!!! Sting is in the Rafters!!!

Here comes Desmond Wolfe is out for a match. The Pope DiAngelo Dinero is givng us commentary with Taz and Tenay. Desmonds opponent is Samoa Joe!

Tie up, and Joe powers him all over the place and punches the shit out of him! Desmond now is a rag doll to Joe’s whim. Desmond comes back with “A” European uppercut, and then runs into a powerslam. Joe goes for the Kakuna clutch, but Desmond gets away, and then runs into a uri-nage. Joe dominates for a minute, and then Desmond gets the hammerlock driver. Wolfe in control, sets Joe up for the Tower of London, but Joe grabs him in a rear naked choke. Wolfe pulls him out, though, and hits the Tower, that leads to the 1-2-3 and Desmond has the win. After the match, Wolfe talks trash to Pope.

Outside, The Nature Boy Ric Flair arrives in a limo. Apparently he’ll be providing commentary later on. Woo!

(ADS)

Just in case you forgot, Genesis is this Sunday.

Video: Tomko got an idea to put on a mask and start beating down AJ!

Backstage, Jarrett and Some Dude have something to say to Hogan. Jarrett dismisses Eric and then rants and raves about that there isn’t enough talent in TNA to fill a coffee cup and that it’s all about HIM! Some Guy is Jeff’s lawyer, and he’s there to hear everything. Eric tells him to stop, and gives Jarrett the facts: Jarrett may have started TNA, but it’s because of Dixie Carter that TNA exists and that Jeff is nothing more than a con man. Eric tells Jeff either to take a hike or lace up his boots. Jeff calls BS, gets in Hogan’s face, and Hogan says there isn’t anything in his contract preventing him form kicking Jarrett’s hillbilly ass. Jarrett powders, Eric says that he needs an attitude adjustment, Hogan agrees.

Run down of the Genesis card. Some guys in tights are going to beat up on other guys in tights.

Ric Flair is here… and they’ve redone “Also Sprach Zarathustra” into a guitar-based… thing. Come on, TNA, that’s a public domain piece of music! What?

(ADS)

We’re back, and with Ric Flair on commentary, it’s time for out main event: Tomko vs. “The Phenomenal” AJ Styles for the TNA world Championship. Wow, Tomko got fat…

AJ doesn’t want to wait on Borash’s announcements and attacks Tomko. AJ beats the crap out of Tomko, out of the ring, and then back in. AJ stands on Tomkio’s neck as Angle comes out. AJ notices him and Tomko is able to throw AJ out of the ring. Tomko goes for a powerslam and gets a near fall. Tomko… slowly… gets… up and trades punches with AJ. Holy crap, is Tomko gassed already after less than 3 minutes of match? He lurches into a chinlock and we go to commercial.

(ADS)

Back, and Tomko STILL has AJ in the chinlock!

Dammit! False alarm!

Ok, NOW we’re back, and AJ kicks out of a pin attempt. Tomko goes for a blatant choke, and now it’s his turn to stand on AJ’s neck. AJ fights back, kicks out of a slam attempt, Enziguri, Pele Kick, and he covers for the 1-2-3. Tomko is a poor sport, and tries to do the post match beat down, but Angle is in for the save. Angle hands AJ his belt, and offers the hand of respect. AJ glares at him, and just walks out. Big “oooooo!” from the crowd. Ric Flair smiles at this from the top of the ramp, Angle turns around, they lock eyes, and we fade to a music video chronicling the Styles/Angle rivalry, and that’s it for tonight.

Well, not much to say. This was a nicely put together show. Some of the segments came off somewhat incoherently, but still pretty entertaining. We got some good setup for the PPV on Sunday here tonight. Nothing as blowaway as last week, but still a good, solid wrassling show.

The bad about the show? Would it have killed Jarrett to have rehearsed his segment a bit fore going in and looking like a rambling mess? Also, Tomko had no business being anywhere near a main event. And please TNA, I know that they’re friends of Hogan’s and all, but the sooner The Nasty Boys and Bubba the Love Douche are off my TV, the better.

3.0 out of 5.