Zach is interrupted by Hurricane Helms. And yes, we get nearly his full entrance too. Hurricane calls him Citizen Woo Woo, which does make me smile, but he’s come from his far away galaxy to tell him to please shut up. It takes more than one match to make someone the heart and soul of ECW. Zach is more like the rear end of ECW, since that’s what he’s talking out of. Ryder asks him if he’s serious. Rosa curses at him in Spanish, which draws a “What” chant from the fans. Helms asks her to press one for English, so she slaps him. Logically, Helms slaps Ryder, and then Hurricane tosses him over the ropes and to the floor. Cue the Hurricane’s music, and we have eaten up eight minutes. We go to commercial, and then when we come back, it appears a match has broken out!

Match 1: Zach Ryder v. Hurricane Helms

Helms is kind of owning him when we join them, with some highflying and some armdrags. They explain that GM Tiffany set up the match during the break so the two men’s issues don’t fester. Or something. Helms whips Ryder out of the corner, but Ryder counters and sends Helms into the far corner. Helms leaps up expecting Ryder to be right behind him, but when he isn’t, he turns into a Kick to the midsection, and Ryder tosses him shoulder first into the ring post. Helms turns and slides down into the corner. Ryder hits him with a boot to the face, then pulls him out of the corner for a two count. Ryder gets Helms into a chinlock. Ryder hits a few elbow drops, then grinds a forearm across Helms’s face. He goes for another elbow drop, but Helms moves. It isn’t enough to change momentum though, as Ryder lands a few more punches that drive Helms to the ropes. Helms comes out though with some kicks to the midsection. He whips Ryder to the ropes, but Ryder comes out with a kick, and then a face plant. Ryder makes another pin, but Helms kicks out. Ryder strangles Helms over the rope until the referee breaks it up. Ryder tries to set Helms up for something, but Helms pushes out of it, getting Ryder face first against the ropes. Helms falls backward, and Ryder hits the Rough Rider leg lariat. He makes a pin, but still Hurricane kicks out. He mounts Helms and punches him a bit, then stands to soak up the boos. He taunts Helms a bit, which serves to power Helms some, so he gets some punches, but Ryder whips him up to the top of the ring post. He drags him to the center again, and again gets a two count. Back to the chin locks. Suddenly the crowd gets into it, which gives Helms some power, as he punches at Ryder's abs and then hits a jawbreaker, and then follows it up with a neckbreaker. Both men are down and the referee stars the count, but they’re up at three. Helms lets the punches fly, and then they exchange whips, landing Hurricane again in the corner. This time, it’s Ryder’s turn to run into the big boot. Hurricane goes up top and flies with a drop kick. He throws him to the ropes and hits the Hurripress on Ryder’s rebound. Ryder recovers a bit, and headbutts Helms in the gut, but it isn’t enough. Helms hits a big European uppercut , and then another neckbreaker. He goes up top again, but Ryder knocks him awkwardly off the top rope. He sets up and hits the Zach Attack, and we get a win. Winner: Zach Ryder

Elsewhere backstage, CM Punk is STANDING~! with Luke Gallows creepily behind him. He is the only three-time straight edge champion in history, so winning the ECW championship would be a new opportunity, to teach the new ECW superstars the straight edge way. He’ll be their savior, and then have the power to make ECW cease to exist, and replace it with his straight edge society. From the sound of the crowd (who were already booing the outcome of the Ryder/Helms match), they are not quite on board with this.

Match 2: Goldust v. Trent Barreta (w/Caylen Croft)

Goldust is looking fairly Peter-Chriss-like with his make up today. And for my own future reference, Barreta has the green and black tights. Goldust has the early offense with some rope work and shoulder blocks, into an arm drag. Barreta takes over though, and runs Goldust to the ropes. Goldust runs out, and Barreta goes to jump over him, but Goldust grabs him for an Atomic Drop, followed by a slingshot into the ropes. Barreta flies over Goldust, but he doesn’t let go of Barreta’s legs, so Barreta falls backward onto Goldust’s knees. Goldust grabs the arm and twists it around. He again tosses Barreta into the ropes, and then whips him over the ropes to the floor. Barreta starts to climb back in and Goldust tries to shoulder block him through the ropes. Barreta sees him though and hits a leg drop that pulls Goldust through the ropes and to the floor. Barreta rolls back into the ring. Barreta poses a bit, then jumps back out, to shoulder block Goldust outside the ring. He rolls Goldust back in, and then with a very high leap, drops a knee to Goldust, and covers for two. Barreta grabs Goldust and gets him in a submission hold, but can’t hold on, so he Samoan drops onto Goldust’s back. He hits two more elbow drops, and gets another two count. Back t o the holds, and Goldust powers out again. He hits a back body drop on Barreta. They do some more rope exchanges, and Goldust hits a suplex on Barreta. Both are down again, and we have another count, but they’re back up at seven. The two exchange blows, but Goldust scores with two clotheslines off the ropes, and then the uppercut from a kneeling position. He follows it up with another atomic drop, and a bulldog. Goldust pins Barreta, but Barreta kicks out. The two exchange finisher set-ups, and finally Goldust gets Barreta’s neck locked in his arm, and goes to lift him up and over, but Barreta counters and lands on his feet. Goldust follows him into the corner, and Barreta elbows him away. Barreta hits another elbow drop, and that is that. Winner: Trent Barreta.

Standing by backstage are Regal and Ezekiel Jackson. They make the obligatory Biblical comparisons, given the name Ezekiel, and then they switch to Kane WALKING~!

Match 3: CM Punk v. Yoshi Tatsu v. Matt Hardy v. Evan Bourne v. Ezekiel Jackson v. Shelton Benjamin v. Vance Archer v. Kane

ECW Homecoming Finale

Tiffany comes out to introduce this herself with her ridiculously stupid entrance music. (Please, WWE. You make her smart and competent, and you give her…that?) She introduces Special Guest Commentator. He gets his full entrance as well. We have 20 minutes left for the match, so I’m going to guess that at least six of the eight will get their full entrances on television. Let’s see, Punk and Tatsu come in before the commercial. Back from ridiculously long commercials, and WWE has seen fit to prove my prediction wrong, as Hardy, Bourne, Zeke, and Benjamin have all entered. Jerks. Vance Archer gets a full entrance though. This makes me nervous. Benjamin attacks Archer as he gets in the ring while everyone else stands around and looks. The referees get them separated and then the pyro goes off for Kane’s entrance.

Immediately, Kane throws Evan Bourne over the top ropes, and that may be faster than Santino’s record. Evan Bourne is eliminated. That’s also two days in a row of Evan Bourne but no World’s Prettiest Shooting Star Press. You fail, WWE. Everyone finds new dance partners, and they all work their way to the ropes to the left of your screen. Kane has Punk wedged against the ring post, so he’s not going anywhere, and eventually drives Kane off of him. They separate to three corners, with Zeke, Tatsu and Benjamin together, and Archer and Hardy. Kane tires of Punk and goes over to Kane-slap Archer around, which saves Matt Hardy from going over. Benjamin is pummeling CM Punk. We all change partners again, and Yoshi has been kind of the odd man out for a while. Shelton Benjamin almost gets CM Punk out, but Punk holds on after he hits the apron and rolls back in. The next close one is Hardy and Zeke. Hardy hits two clotheslines to knock Zeke backward over the top rope but it’s not far enough. He gives up with that and tries lifting one of Zeke’s legs, but that doesn’t work either. Zeke drives him off with big punches. Kane meanwhile has Yoshi Tatsu and hits a sidewalk slam (of sorts). Dance partners change again. Lots of close calls around the ring. Tatsu goozles Punk and gets him over the ropes, but Punk again is able to recover and roll back in on the apron. Tatsu doesn’t see this and celebrates, but then turns and sees Punk still in. Lots of excitement to come, right after the break.

Back from the break and shockingly, nothing happened! We have the same seven men in the ring. Huh. Now it’s Zeke’s turn to attempt to get Punk over the ropes, which he does, but again Punk slides in under the bottom rope. Archer tries to hit Benjamin with the big boot, but ends up straddling the top rope instead. He steps over so he’s on the outside of the ring, and Shelton attacks. Archer successfully pushes him away, and Matt Hardy steps up to the plate, as Shelton falls back. Archer fights him off and Shelton leaps from mid-ring to do a cross body over the ropes, and they both end up on the floor. Archer (thank goodness) and Benjamin are eliminated. Hardy advances on Punk, and Kane attacks Tatsu. Outside, Archer and Benjamin are still fighting as the referees try to break them up. Why they care about them at that point is anyone’s guess. Back in the ring, Zeke is chilling in the corner, while Hardy and Tatsu are on one side, and Punk and Kane are on the other. Hardy runs Yoshi into the corner, and hammers him with punches. Yoshi fights back with chops, but Hardy dodges and then hits the Side Effect. Zeke sees his in, and attacks Hardy. Hardy tries to get him for the Side Effect as well, but Zeke hammers his elbow to the side of Hardy’s head. Meanwhile Kane has Punk again over the ropes, but Punk is hanging on for dear life. Zeke runs into Hardy’s foot in the corner, and Hardy goes to the second rope for a cross body. Zeke catches him mid-air and tosses him out. Hardy grabs the top rope and pulls his feet up just enough that they don’t touch the floor. Zeke kicks him in the back, and that’s enough to make Hardy let go. Matt Hardy has been eliminated. We cut to Christian who stops with the wisecracks for a bit at this turn of events. The four men left in the ring size each other up. Punk hits kicks on Tatsu and Zeke but when he turns to Kane, the big man levels him with a slap upside the head. Kane whips Punk to the corner, but Punk dodges for the follow up. He gets Kane with the high knee, and attempts a bulldog, but Kane pushes him off, into the waiting outstretched arm of a lariat from Zeke. Zeke follows up with a lariat on Kane as well. He goes after Punk again, and tosses him over the top, and this time Punk can’t hold on. CM Punk has been eliminated. Yoshi Tatsu recovers and makes a weak attempt at Kane, although it gets stronger. He does his kick series, driving Kane into the corner, and hits him with two flying knees. He tries to somersault him out of the corner, having apparently not seen what just happened to Punk. Kane grabs him and tosses him over the rope. Yoshi Tatsu has been eliminated.

We are down to Zeke and Kane. They look at each other, and they’re both smiling. They square off, and Christian says “Well, it’s safe to say it isn’t going to be an easy night come the Royal Rumble.” No kidding. They lock up and Zeke pushes Kane off first. Zeke growls and screams and Kane, who simply nods. They circle each other again, lock up, and Zeke pushes Kane backward of the rope, but Kane is able to straighten. Now Kane pushes Zeke backward over the rope, and Zeke plants a knee in his gut. Zeke pummels Kane , picks him up and heads for the rope, but Kane stops him with his arms on the rope. Zeke maneuvers him closer, but it’s not enough. Kane pushes backward and lands on his feet behind Zeke. Kane gets a running start into a slap that knocks Zeke to one knee. Zeke stands, but only to receive another big chop to the midsection, and he goes back down. Now Kane gets Zeke on his shoulder and tries to send him out, but Zeke holds on. He punches Kane in the chest, and then falls behind him. He shoulder blocks Kane and then charges, but charges right into a choke. But not a chokeslam, as he elbows his way out of it. They both step back to regroup, and Zeke turns into Kane’s big boot. Zeke is down on the mat, but that’s not going to work to win this for Kane. Kane goes up top as Zeke staggers to his feet. He leaps, but Zeke ducks. Kane rolls through and uses the ropes to pull himself up. Zeke seizes the opportunity and clotheslines him from behind. Kane goes over the ropes and lands of the floor. Winner: Ezekiel Jackson!

Christian stands and takes off the headset and looks at his opponent for the Royal Rumble. They nod at each other, as William Regal enters the ring to congratulate Zeke and raise his arm in victory.

Huh. Okay, so at least it wasn’t Vance Archer. I’m going to have to rate this one low. The matches leading up to the Royale were not all that spectacular, and while I enjoyed the rumble, the elimination of Evan Bourne early on had me not actually caring who won. Sure, I’m biased, but I’m not sure what this does for Zeke’s character or his feud with Kozlov. So I don’t care that Zeke won, but I’m not sure what sense it made. So, my rating is 2.0.