Match 1: Zach Ryder (w/Rosa Mendes) v. Tommy Dreamer

As he’s soaking up the boos, Zach and Rosa head to the ring, ignoring him completely. Tommy may be ‘big,’ but he’s making short work against Ryder, at least for a bit. Ryder gets a brief offense in, but Dreamer clotheslines him over the rope to the floor, and then tries to set up the Cannonball. He gets distracted by Rosa Mendes, and then Ryder grabs his arm and flips him to the floor. Ryder pummels him for a bit, while Mendes poses and urges him on, then tosses him back to the ring. He makes a quick pin, then hits some forearms and finally gets Dreamer in a chinlock. Dreamer elbows out, hits the ropes and then a sunset flip for a two count. Ryder rolls through, and hits the Rough Ryder leg lariat, but Dreamer kicks out. He throws Dreamer head first into the corner, and then punts him in the head. He drags him out and goes up top, but takes too long, and Dreamer recovers. Dreamer climbs up the inside of the corner, and superplexes Ryder over to the mat. Both are down, and the referee starts to count. They’re both up at two, and Dreamer hits his back body drop, clothesline, and powerslam, and then a two count. They exchange whips and Tommy runs into Ryder’s foot. Ryder goes up top and flies, but Dreamer catches his legs, turns him around, and slingshots him into the corner. Dreamer ties Ryder up into the Tree of Woe. “E-C-Dub” and a baseball slide into Ryder. He tries to go for the DDT, but Ryder escapes and rolls to the apron. Tommy follows picking him up by the head, but Ryder counters, bouncing the back of Tommy’s neck off the ropes. Kind of, as the rope mostly hits his upper back. But this is apparently enough to put him completely out of commission. Ryder hits his ‘Zach Attack” and that is enough. Winner: Zach Ryder.

Abraham Washington Show.

The guests are Trent Barreta and Caylen Croft. Maybe I was a good girl this year after all? And, I’ve just noticed, they DO have matching tights. One of them has green with red accents, and the other has red with green. I haven’t figured out which is which at this point, but I look forward to doing more research on that. Washington is irritated they jumped on his couch. They mention they have not seen him in the ring. Ha! They’re going to be way better than Miz and Morrison, and the Hart Foundation, and they make some video game humor. They complain that there’s nothing in the coffee cups, to which Washington says ECW doesn’t have the budget RAW does. They’ve been best friends forever (start the break up-countdown clock now), and they’ll be back next year for homecoming as Tag Team Champions. They insult Tony which totally gets the crowd upset. They stand up and Washington gets involved. Tony says “I didn’t know you cared.” Washington says he doesn’t, but we’re out of time. Thank goodness.

Backstage, Tiffany is texting, and Jack Swagger walks in, wondering how she still has a job. She says it’s so much easier without him around. Swagger is interrupted in his bragging by Hurricane. Swagger asks him what his super powers are. Hurricane says his Hurripowers are limitless…except maybe fixing speech impediments. He whooshes out, and Swagger leaves with a “Whatever.” Tiff is amused and goes back to her super important texting.

Match 2: Vance Archer v. Goldust

So, I see a pattern here. New superstars come in, get jobber squashes for a few weeks, then they get paired up with either Dreamer or Goldust for a few weeks and hopefully move on to an actual feud. Interesting. And there’s a huge gap in the announce table with Striker over on Smackdown. The two they have are fine, but it’s like they’re both trying to be Striker. Maybe he’s talking in their headsets? Of course, there is a match going on, but it should tell you something that I’m thinking more about the announcers, who I usually successfully tune out (even the wonderful Striker), and not what’s happening in the ring. So, with some refocusing, Goldust is doing his rope running offense, and hits a bulldog for a two count. He tries to suplex Archer, but his hand slips, and Archer is able to pick him up and run him spine first into the corner. He sets him up for the Bullseye (scoop lift drop into inverted snap DDT…thank you Wikipedia, not the announce table). Winner: Vance Archer. Apparently he also qualifies to move on in the Homecoming Tournament.

Yeah, I could have gone back to get the first few minutes, but this was still totally a squash, despite it being against Goldust.

Backstage, Christian is coaching Yoshi Tatsu in his match with Swagger, who of course arrives. Christian congratulates him on being the same ol’ dork. Yoshi says something in Japanese that makes Christian laugh. Swagger is not amused and says at the Royal Rumble, Christian is his. He leaves, and Yoshi shows off his English, “What a jackass!”

Match 3: Jack Swagger v. Yoshi Tatsu

They ring the bell, and the crowd is clearly behind Tatsu. Swagger puts some old-school mat wrestling moves on him. This does keep Yoshi grounded for a while, and keeps his feet out of the equation. Swagger throws him to the ropes, and that’s his mistake. Yoshi hits a kick, and then springboards off with a roll up. Swagger is up at two, but Yoshi knocks him back down with a missile drop kick. Another two count, and then both men are up. Yoshi hits a couple of forearms, and goes for a roundhouse kick, but Swagger grabs his leg, and then runs him into the corner. He shoulder blocks him two more times, then whips him into the opposite corner, following up with a clothesline. Yoshi crumples to the mat, and Swagger gets him in a figure four armlock. The heel beatdown continues, with more work on the arm. Eventually, he goes for the gutwrench powerbomb, but Tatsu is not quite out of it yet. He maneuvers his way free, and goes for the high Crescent kick, but Swagger ducks it. Swagger dodges to the corner and looks at Yoshi in shock! Yoshi assumes a fighting stance, and we fade to ads.

Back in the ring, and Swagger has Tatsu in a seated hammerlock. (We missed a wheelbarrow suplex. Good timing, WWE). Swagger whips Tatsu to the corner, seats him on the second rope, and flips him backward to the mat. The fans do not like the beatdown of 2000’s Funaki. Swagger hits a back suplex and gets another cover for a two count. He hits another slam, and does the Steiner Push up Set. (Yeah, we need more of that). A leg drop and a pin, as Swagger continues to have his way with Tatsu. Back to a figure four arm lock behind the head, and Swagger throws him into the ropes, following up with a kidney punch, not once, but twice. He pulls him back and tries to hit another back suplex, but again Tatsu lands on his feet, and then uses those feet to his advantage. He misses one though, and swagger capitalizes, but not for long, as Tatsu unleashes his speed and kicks. Swagger grabs him and tries for another move, but Yoshi turns it into a DDT. Yoshi makes a pin, but gets only two. Swagger relaxes in the corner, trying to recuperate, and Yoshi runs in, knees first. He somersaults Swagger out of the corner, and then goes for the kick, but Swagger ducks! He reaches up for a roll up, grabbing the tights. Yoshi turns and pins Swagger with his knees, but Swagger kicks out. Both men on their feet, and going for whips to the corner, but Swagger wins. He runs in and Tatsu dodges. Tatsu runs in and Swagger lifts him over the rope to the apron. Swagger goes toward the center, while Tatsu hops up to the top of the corner. Swagger tries to get him down, but Tatsu pushes him off, and he staggers to one knee. Tatsu gets in position and hits a rotating wheel kick off the top rope. He goes for the pin, but Swagger barely kicks out. Swagger trips Tatsu into falling against the rope face first, and as he staggers back, Swagger again goes for the roll up, but Tatsu barely kicks out. Swagger goes in for what looked like a low blow, but the referee didn’t say anything, and then a punch to the face, which levels Tatsu. He rolls him over for the pin and Tatsu again gets the shoulder up just in the nick of time. Swagger picks Tatsu up over his shoulder, runs him spine first (and upside down) into the ring post, then turns and slams him to the middle of the mat. Instead of covering, he goes to the opposite corner, hits his chest (and I can’t make out what he’s saying, but it’s not E-C-Dub) and then runs, leaps over Tatsu, bounces off the second rope for a splash. Now he makes the pin, but Tatsu grabs the bottom rope. He argues with the referee, then picks Tatsu up by the hair. He keeps arguing, which allows Tatsu to recover with a Buzzsaw kick! Swagger is down and Tatsu makes the pin. Winner: Yoshi Tatsu. Tatsu moves on to the ECW Homecoming Tournament.

So, two five minute matches, a segment of the Abraham Washington show, a whole bunch of recaps…the last match was okay, and there was a Barreta/Croft sighting, so I think the jury is still out as to which of Santa’s list I am on. Perhaps all will be more clear next week.

OO Forums rating: 2.5