So, now the network will fill the time slot with some ridiculous show (GL locally was replaced by Dr. Phil. ATWT will probably get a similar Oprah-esque show).

I know I am writing this for an audience made up of mostly men, so I expect the usual jokes about soap operas. I have however known several men, and a some of them quite masculine, who watched soaps. That includes the current Mr. Firewoman, although he lost interest around the time we got engaged, and he no longer felt the need to impress me. Hmmm…. Pro wrestling has often been called “soap operas for men,” and there are several similarities. Both soaps and wrestling feature “heels” and “faces.” A heel or face turn is often preceded by a change in costuming or hairstyle. (For example, Trish parted her hair differently, on the other side, when she came down to the ramp before she turned on poor, innocent Chris Jericho for Christian.) If either type of show mentions a character that hasn’t been seen or mentioned for years, you can pretty much start the countdown for when that character is going to be seen again. And recapping both ATWT and GL on the Internet (for alt.tv.soaps, if I remember correctly, for those who remember the glory days of Usenet, before AOL fucked it all up) is where I got my start with that.

Ah well, it’s time to move on, and all things change. Everything must come to an end, including this pre-ramble. Or does it? I still haven’t watched the last episode of GL. It’s saved on my DVR. If I never watch it, it’s like it never ended, right?

Live-ish from Houston, Texas! And we’re starting off without contrived talk shows! Things are looking up! We are starting off with Josh Matthews in the ring, underneath a big ladder, with the ECW belt hanging high above. For some reason, he’s selling this as a ‘revolutionary’ event, and explains the whole concept. He is mercifully interrupted by new US citizen Vladimir Kozlov. I think he calls Jackson a coward, and calls him out to fight him like a man. Ezekiel Jackson is no coward though, and he comes right down to the ring. He’s followed closely behind by William Regal, who gets between the two (brave or stupid? You be the judge). He tries to remind them of the way they are going to stick together and dominate ECW, even getting on his knees and pleading with them. They stop for a moment, and Shelton Benjamin appears at the top of the ramp. He leads the crowd in a “Let them fight” chant. Regal tells him to mind his own business, and that he should be careful since he’s outnumbered three to one.
 
This invokes Wrestling Rule #573, and Christian and Yoshi Tatsu appear to even things up. Christian doesn’t want Shelton to have any excuses for them not stealing the show, and Christian remaining ECW champion. Shelton disagrees with that last bit, and then they’re interrupted by Kozlov, the Shelton has an idea. He stutters through it, and challenges the Roundtable to a three-on-three match. Regal reminds them, that they have no authority to make matches or tell them what to do. This of course invokes Wrestling Rule #574, and GM Tiffany, who does have said authority, appears. She decides to leave it up to a vote. They can either do the six-man tag team match, or have a match with Jackson and Kozlov. Regal tries to give them both a pep talk, and then votes for the six man. Jackson votes for the match with Kozlov. That leaves Kozlov with the deciding vote, and he sides with Regal. So the main event is the six-man tag team match. Jackson is less than thrilled, but everyone else appears to be okay with it.

Match 1: Vance Archer v. Tommy Dreamer

I know…technically it isn’t a squash. So away we go. Opening lock up and Archer take the early offense lead. Dreamer is on his back for an elbow drop, but dodges the second. Dreamer goes for an armdrag, but archer gets him to the corner. He pulls Dreamer out and throws him to the ropes, but Dreamer bounces back with a knee to Archer’s face. Archer recovers and hits a chickenwing powerbomb, and makes a cover for almost two. Archer stomps and kicks at Dreamer and gets him against the turnbuckle again, pinning his head there with his knee. He throws him across the ring, and puts his boot to the back of Dreamer’s knee, using the ropes for leverage. Ref breaks it up, and Archer applies a chinlock. Dreamer powers out, and the two exchange holds before Archer knocks him back down with a short armed clothesline. Dreamer slowly gets to his feet and Archer hits a slightly-delayed vertical suplex. Archer goes for a leg drop, but Dreamer moves. Dreamer gets to his feet and lands a few punches, and then a big boot from the corner. He goes to the second rope for a flying clothesline, followed by a neckbreaker, and then a springboard crossbody for a pin. Archer kicks out. Archer runs toward Dreamer, who dodges, sending Archer over the ropes to the floor. He hits the baseball slide, and then goes to the outside of the corner for the cannonball. Dreamer helps Archer back into the ring, and goes up top but Archer recovers and knocks him off. They struggle into the next corner, and both stand atop the second rope, teasing the superplex. Dreamer pushes Archer off, and he lands almost perfectly for the splash (although a bit too close to the post). Dreamer hits it and pins, but Archer gets a shoulder up at two. Dreamer waits for his moment and starts for the DDT, but Archer pushes him off. Dreamer flies back into the ropes and back out into Archer’s boot. He helps Dreamer up, and then helps him down with a neck breaker. He makes the pin, and this is for three. Winner: Vance Archer.

Still not sold. I may have a preference for the fast and speedy guys, but still this seemed to be more plodding than just slow-paced.

Backstage, and Tiffany is talking to a masked Paul and masked Katie Lea Burchill about some silliness that took place on WWE Superstars. She reminds him that they were not supposed to be on ECW again, but Burchill says “I’m the Ripper, and I’ve never lost to the Hurricane.” Gregory Helms enters, and Tiffany says “Great. The whole Justice League is here.” One more reason to love Tiffany. Tiffany tells him he’s not under any ECW contract, but if he wants to earn one, he can win next week against The Hurricane.

Backstage, and Rosa Mendes and Zach Ryder are being disgustingly cute. Dreamer bumps into them, and Ryder calls him a dinosaur. Ryder tells him it’s over, and he wants to be the guy who ends Dreamer. Woo woo woo. Dreamer is MAD~!

Match 2: Trent Barreta and Caylen Croft v. Mark Franks and Danny Vaughn

Squash. But an entertaining one for me, at least.

Match 3: Christian/Yoshi Tatsu/Shelton Benjamin v. William Regal, Vladimir Kozlov, and Ezekiel Jackson

Christian and Jackson to start off. Christian dodges several big moves, but not the third. Christian eats two big body slams, and then Jackson tags in Regal. Christian is able to get a backslide, but Regal kicks out. He gets Regal in a wrist lock, and tags in Yoshi, who leaps in onto Regal’s arm. He tags in Shelton, who gets Regal to the faces’ corner, and tags Christian back in. Christian works the wrist and arm some more. But then he runs into a Regal clothesline. Regal tags in Kozlov. Christian greets him with some slaps before pulling him to the faces’ corner and tagging in Tatsu. He holds Kozlov for Tatsu to plant a few kicks. He gets Kozlov to the corner, somersaults him out, and kicks to the head. He makes a pin, but Kozlov is out at two. Tatsu brings Kozlov over and tags in Shelton. Shelton gets a couple of kicks, but eventually Kozlov catches one of his legs. Shelton hits the enziguiri with the other one, but Kozlov recovers and plows Shelton into the heels’ corner. Regal and Jackson raise their arms to show they aren’t getting involved as Shelton punches Kozlov, trying to get free. He does, and turns with a punch for Jackson and one for Regal. He fights his way out and goes for the whip, but Kozlov reverses, sending Benjamin out of the ring.

Back from ads and Regal has Benjamin in a headlock, but he’s powering out. he gets free for a moment, but Regal sets him on the mat with a back elbow, and tags in Jackson. Jackson puts the boots to Benjamin. He sends Benjamin in to the corner and nearly turns him inside out with a clothesline against the ring post. Ouch. Jackson makes a pin, but Shelton kicks out at two. He continues to punish Benjamin with clubbing blows, and then tags in Regal. Regal puts the boots to Benjamin, and then drops a knee. Regal holds Benjamin in the heels’ corner and tags in Kozlov. Kozlov continues to brutalize Benjamin with three Really Stupid Headbutts, and then a belly-to-belly suplex for a two count. Kozlov gets Shelton into a bear hug that allegedly is working the ribs (although it’s a bit low). Shelton manages to get to his feet and elbows Kozlov in the head. Kozlov pushes him off into the corner and runs at him, but Shelton gets both feet up. He runs in again and eats a big right hand. Kozlov manages to get a knee to Benjamin’s face, shoots the half, and goes for another pin. Benjamin kicks out and Kozlov goes back to the bear hug. Benjamin tries desperately to get to his corner. With the crowd behind him, Shelton gets back to his feet and works Kozlov’s midsection. Kozlov pushes him to the corner, but Shelton bounces out nicely, knocking Kozlov down in the process. Kozlov is not out yet, and gets Benjamin in a head lock, dragging him over so he can tag in Regal. Regal punches and knees and just basically tries to keep him from his corner, but he’s making headway. Jackson comes in to help, but the referee sends him out, missing the tag Benjamin makes to Christian. The referee turns back and escorts Christian out, which allows Regal to take Benjamin back toward his corner. The Ruthless Roundtable also get their licks in while the referee is dealing with Christian, and then Regal tags in Jackson when things have settled down. He presses Benjamin against the ropes with his foot, forcing the referee to intervene. He pulls Benjamin out, hitting a suplex for a two count. He tags in Regal, who circles Benjamin, waiting for him to get up. When he does, he goes for the arm, but Benjamin counters, and hits a backbreaker over his knee. Regal sells it like a champ as both me head for the corner. Jackson comes in to meet Tatsu, and Tatsu’s kicks keep Jackson off his game. He backs up, knocks Regal off the apron, but then runs straight into a clothesline. Jackson is hurting, so he puts his hand out for Kozlov, who looks…and hops off the apron to head to the back. Ah, it’s “get even” time in the ring now. Jackson however, not going to just sit there and take it, and runs to club Kozlov from behind. Regal follows and tries to pull Jackson back to the ring, as there is still a match going on and he is still the legal man. The referee has started the count, but Jackson will not be denied. The referee reaches ten. Winner by countout: Tatsu, Benjamin, and Christian.

Post match, for no apparent reason, Christian hits a somersault plancha out to where Jackson and Regal are standing, knocking all three of them out. Yoshi and Christian pull a ladder out from under the ring. Christian sets it up and climbs to the top, taking his time, because Benjamin has recovered. He leaps off the rope onto the ladder (denting it nicely in the process), and then gets to the top about the same time as Christian. The two grab hold of the belt and argue as we fade.

Eh, the last match was the best of the night. Final rating is 2.5.