OO: Online Onslaught Special Features (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Steve Austin, RVD, Undertaker, Triple H)

ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: ECW
Mutual Respect vs. Mutual Implosion
December 4, 2009

by Firewoman
On Loan from the OOWrestling.com Forums

It didn’t take long for us to be turkey-free at the Firelair, and we managed to not waste too much. I consider that a win, if only because we had a metric ton of food and there’s only three of us in the house, and one only eats the equivalent of half a three-year-old’s serving at any given meal.
So now we go speeding headlong into the craziest time of year, wherein we have plopped down the highest of expectations for spending, family, eating, socializing, and running around like chickens with our heads cut off right down in the time of year with the least daylight, when we should be hibernating. Brilliant. So far, the Firelair does not have its Yule decorations up, or any shopping started, but that will probably change over the weekend. I did listen to some holiday music yesterday, and it made me neither homicidal nor suicidal. Trust me, this is an improvement.
I got to say, ECW this week seems to be suffering from a tryptophan-induced coma as well, and although there’s some story advancement, the whole thing still leaves me with a meh-feeling, which may or may not change on the second watch. We shall see. We open with the Abraham Washington show, and Tony Atlas introduces him, so apparently we aren’t done with this, as I thought after last week. They discuss they’re mutual Thanksgiving feasts, with lots of Atlas laughing. Washington continues on to insult Virginia (the state). Although Atlas gets the cheap pop for announcing he’s from Virginia, so that was worth it. The guests are Zach Ryder and Rosa Mendes. He asks what is going on with them, and Ryder reads a poem to Rosa. (There’s a close up on the paper, and it’s actually hand written. No, I’m not transcribing it.) Rosa is smitten, and it turns out, she wrote her own poem for him. It doesn’t rhyme or anything, and there’s a few sentences in Spanish, that I may have to translate later, but I don’t think were actually positive. Ryder starts jumping on the couch Tom Cruise-style, which sets off another wave of Atlas-laughter. Washington tries to get Ryder to stop jumping on the couch, but he can’t, so that’s the end of the segment. On second viewing, I still can’t quite pick out everything Mendes is saying. (I can read and understand Spanish better than I can hear and understand). I do pick up the phrase “You’re one of my best friends” and “I love you from the bottom of my heart,” so maybe I was wrong about the negativity. I’m still standing behind my Rosa-dumps-Ryder-for-Shelton prediction of last week. Backstage, Zeke is adjusting his shin pads, when Regal comes in, and apologizes to Zeke after reviewing last week’s episode. Zeke also apologizes for letting his temper get to him, but there’s no way he’s apologizing to Kozlov. Cut over to Kozlov, and Regal is the voice of reason, reminding them that united, they can dominate ECW. That seems to work. For now. Match 1: William Regal (with Kozlov and Jackson) v. Goldust Regal and his buddies hit the ring, a tense but united front. Apparently there was stuff that happened on WWE Superstars that makes this match Meaningful. Goldust comes out a house o’ fire and slams Regal right into the corner and bombards him with rights. He whips Regal out of the corner, and hits a suplex for a quick cover, but the referee can’t even get the count started before Regal gets a shoulder up and then rolls out of the ring. He staggers around before rounding the corner, straight into Goldust, who knocks him down with a mighty blow. Er, punch. He throws regal back into the ring and hits an atomic drop. Regal retreats to the corner, where Goldust proceeds to sit him on the second turnbuckle pad, and wrap his legs around either rope. Regal pleads with Goldust to not do whatever it is he’s going to do (instead of, you know, taking the considerable time Goldust is using to play to the crowd to get free), and Goldust sets him up for Shattered Dreams. Zeke climbs onto the ring apron, which distracts the referee. At that point, Regal easily unhooks his legs from the ropes (really?). Goldust runs in anyway, and Regal hits a knee to Goldust’s midsection. Regal levels Goldust with a punch, and then a knee drop to the back of Goldust’s head. Regal is now in control, peppering Goldust into the corner with knees, and then turning him around to hammer the back of his head. He pulls him out of the corner and onto the mat with eventually a full nelson, but as he is not Chris Masters, Goldust is able to get out of it easily. Goldust goes for a sunset flip, but can’t finish, and Regal counters with a knee drop to the back of his head. He makes a pin and Goldust just barely kicks out. Regal goes back to a rest hold, as the crowd tries to encourage Goldust to get out. He does, but it allows Regal to throw him to the corner, and then hit him with an elbow block has he bounces out. Two sets of two counts, and we’re back to the rest holds. Goldust rallies with a series of punches to Regal’s body, drops to the mat and uppercuts Regal. Goldust hits the ropes for a clothesline, and then a bull dog for a cover. But Regal is out at two. Goldust continues the punishment as Regal desperately throws him to the ropes, but he hooks his arms. Regal runs into a big boot. Just as Goldust is going to do something, Zeke and Vlad have some sort of miscommunication. It looked as if Vlad was going to grab Goldust’s leg, but Zeke stopped him. The two big men stare down as Goldust is distracted by them. Regal grabs him from behind, hits an exploder suplex… but a shoving match has broken out between Kozlov and Jackson. The two yell unintelligibly at each other and Regal, who had Goldust all nice and set up for the knee trembler, turns to yell at his minions. Goldust recovers and hits a school boy roll up for the pin. Winner: Goldust! Post match, Goldust leaves, and the three heels stand in the ring. Kozlov gives up Jackson as being the one that caused all the problems. Regal has that look that nearly all movie villains do before they kill their minion that just made a really stupid mistake, as he pats Jackson on the shoulder. You know the one. The “That’s alright…anyone could have made that same mistake.” Backstage, Paul and Katie Lea are arguing with GM Tiffany that Helms does not deserve to represent ECW. Tiffany reminds him that he lost to Hurricane, and so the Burchills are gone. Katie Lea tries to plead their case, too, but Tiffany sticks to her guns. They leave, dejected, but are replaced by what may be an early Christmas present for yours truly. Two new members of the ECW New Talent Initiative, one of whom says “Hey, didn’t that guy used to be a pirate?” as the Burchills walk out. Ha! Trent Barreta and Caylen Croft are here to redefine what the New Superstar Initiative is all about, and this is the greatest signing of her life. They terrorist-fist-bump, without letting Tiffany get a word in edgewise (okay, I don’t like that) and then take their abdom-ilicious selves to the ring. Let’s see if they have the talent to back up the bodies. Match 2: Trent Barreta & Caylen Croft v. Bobby “Red Trunks” Shields and Tyler “Red Trunks” Hilton Okay, so it’s your fairly standard “Welcome to the Big Time” squash match, but just some comments. First, lose the music. It’s some kind of new agey, Enya sounding, clearly synthesized to sound like classical string ensemble music. And it needs to go. Now. Second, about half way through, the crowd started booing, and I have no idea why. It’s not a bad match. Tag finisher is an atomic drop by Croft, and a flying knee of the ropes by Barreta (Also, according to the announcers, they prepare for matches by playing “Guitar Hero,” so there’s some OOWFers out there who may want to join our growing gimmick infringement class action lawsuit.) So, not bad, but as always, let’s see what they can do in a real, non-squash match. Breaking another rule here. In their plug for the TLC pay-per-view, they show lots of TLC bumps, but they leave out the one where the ladder splits Joey Mercury’s face open. After the break, an apparently nameless-micstand is INTERVIEWING~! Vance Archer. Vance is not like most superstars. He’s destined to be on top, and will savor each and every moment of his journey to the top. More of the same, with what has to be the worst delivery I’ve ever heard. He is painting a masterpiece of agony. Yes. This promo is agony. And mercifully over. Sheldon is playing WWE Raw v. Smackdown (available NOW! for all your gift-giving needs), He’s playing himself against Christian in a ladder match, so of course Christian arrives on the scene. They discuss their tag-team partnership tonight, and Shelton promises they are both on the same page. He needs him 100% for when they steal the show at TLC. Christian wants to join in the game, just as Shelton’s character is getting ready to win. Shelton says to just push the buttons, so Christian pushes the power button, shutting off the game, saying we’ll just have to see how this one plays out at the PPV. Elsewhere, Jackson and Kozlov are still arguing, Regal walking behind and between them, trying to unite the team again. This isn’t going to end well for someone in this scene. Match 3: Vladimir Kozlov and Ezekiel Jackson (w/William Regal) v. Shelton Benjamin and Christian As another side note, Christian is not quite as yellow as he’s been in past weeks, but still doesn’t look quite right. The referee explains that they can’t all four (or five) be in the ring at the same time, so we start with Christian and Jackson. Jackson is the power guy, and he uses that to his advantage, but Christian can use his speed as well. Alas, Jackson can just hammer him with a fist and knock him down. Jackson charges, and Christian dodges, sending Jackson out of the ropes to the floor. He’s back in a flash and punishes Christian with a mighty slam, and then goes for the elbow drop. Christian dodges, and tags in Benjamin. Benjamin comes in with the punches, but that’s about as effective against Jackson as Christian’s were. Jackson throws him to the corner, but Benjamin gets both feet up to Jackson’s face. Shelton goes up top, but Kozlov jumps on the apron, so instead of attacking Jackson, Benjamin elbow drops onto Kozlov, sending him back to the floor. Jackson knocks Benjamin to the floor. Kozlov and Benjamin recover and we take a break. Back from the break, and Jackson has Benjamin in a rib-crushing bear hug. Shelton elbows his way free, hits the corner tagging Christian, and springboards off into Jackson. Christian leaps off the corner for a cross body, but only a two count. Jackson lifts Christian into an overhead press, but Christian wriggles free. Jackson turns into him and Christian nails him with a Christian-slap, that catches him in the eye. Christian baseball slides into Kozlov, knocking him off the apron, and then gets up, but Jackson has recovered. He hooks Christians arm behind his back and slams him to the mat. He powerslams him again, ignoring Kozlov’s outstretched hand. He puts the boots to Christian and then eventually tags in Kozlov. Kozlov takes over the power beatdown. He runs Christian to the corner, and shoulder blocks him repeatedly. He backs up far for one more, but Christian smacks the back of his shoulder before he can get there, shoving his face into Christian’s knee. Christian starts to go up top, but Kozlov grabs his arm and throws him over to the mat. Kozlov makes the cover, but only a two count. He drags Christian back over and tags in Jackson. Jackson puts Christian’s arm in a figure four behind his head. Regal cheers him on, which has the opposite effects as Christian is able to turn and land several punches to Jackson’s stomach. He tries to go for a shoulder block off the ropes, but merely bounces off of Jackson and out to the floor. The referee tries to keep Kozlov and Benjamin from interfering, so he doesn’t see Regal run Christian shoulder first into the ring post. Jackson drags Christian back into the ring. He gets Christian into a double chickenwing to work the shoulder some more, and as he pulls him backward, Kozlov tags in himself. Kozlov breaks Christian’s arm over his shoulder, then flips him over, makes a pin, and gets a two count. Kozlov picks Christian up and drapes him across the corner of the ring, and kicks him to the midsection. Christian recovers enough to fight him off, then hits a tornado DDT. But he’s selling the work on his arm and shoulder and can’t make the pin. We have a corner crawl, and Christian finally gets to tag in Shelton, but when Kozlov reaches out for Jackson…He’s not there! In fact, he’s on his way up the ramp! Benjamin hits a lung blower as Kozlov is at his corner, and then hits Paydirt. Winner: Benjamin/Christian. Regal is looking at Kozlov in the ring, and appears to be wondering what to do next. He helps Kozlov to the back, with the same pat on the shoulder and look on his face as he had earlier. And part of me hopes he goes all super villain on both of them. Okay, on the second viewing, it’s a little better than I remembered, although there’s hardly anything that can overcome the Abraham Washington show. The Regal/Kozlov/Jackson dynamic is finally interesting, and I’m wondering which one is going to get Regal’s wrath. I’m kind of hoping both. So for OO rankings purposes, I’ll give this one 3.5.

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