So, anyway, Happy Turkey Day, or for those like me who eschew the dead animal parts, Happy Tofurkey Day. Either way, eat lots so that way you have to go to your friendly local GNC store, and can thus help me pay my mortgage.

And here we go, not quite live from Bridgeport, CT. I heard you been lookin’ for me, but you look for trouble, you’re gonna see...

Match 1: Zach Ryder (w/Rosa Mendes) v. Shelton Benjamin
Number One Contender’s Match

Opening the show with an actual match! Nice. Almost makes up for the fact that it appears the Abraham Washington show is getting top billing. Please do not make this the main event. We also are lacking Ring Announcer Lauren, having been future endeavored just in time for the holidays. Rosa interfered in the match last week (in an incredibly stupid way), so let’s see if that pattern holds.

At the opening bell, Zach dodges outside the ropes and Shelton is forced to step back before Ryder gets back in. Shelton wastes no time in taking the fight to Zach, with a flurry of offense culminating in a back body drop. He whips Ryder to the ropes, and Ryder slides under the bottom one, throws his hands down and begins to walk up the ramp. Shelton’s having none of this though, and follows him out, clobbering him from behind. He throws Ryder into the barricade, and then back in the ring. Ryder tries to beg off, but it’s not working. Suplex into a pin, and Ryder gets out at 1.5. Ryder tries to fight back with some elbows to the midsection, and then he drives Benjamin into the corner. Monkey flip out of the corner, but Shelton lands on his feet. He grabs Ryder for a German suplex and gets another two count. Shelton takes the time to toss Rosa a dirty look, and she gives it right back

I only mention this because this can only mean one thing. I’m going to call it right here. Rosa ends up hooking up with Sheldon somehow.

Shelton gets Ryder in the corner and stands above him for the 10 Punches of Doom, but only gets to about two, before Ryder counters with an Atomic Drop. Shelton levels him with a punch, and then a body slam. Some more punches, and then Ryder comes back with punches and kicks and stomps. Ryder calls for Shelton to come get some, and tries for a whip, but Shelton counters and hits a vicious belly-to-belly suplex. He makes another pin but at two, the referee notices he put his foot on the rope. Shelton picks Ryder up and stands him on the other side of the rope. Ryder guillotines him off the top rope and Ryder falls to the floor. He climbs back in, and goes up to the top, or tries to anyway, but Benjamin recovers and kicks him off onto the floor. This brings Rosa Mendes out of her seat to check on her one true love. Benjamin also leaves the ring, and looks like he’s headed over to do something cool, but we don’t know what that is because it’s time for commercial.

Back and indeed, cool things did happen. Shelton and Ryder are back in the ring, and Ryder has Benjamin in a headlock/abdominal stretch thing. During the break, Rosa put herself between Ryder and Benjamin, begging Shelton go please don’t hurt him! But that just set it up so Ryder could hit his Roughrider flying leg lariat to the floor. Too bad we couldn’t see that in real time, but we had to hurry to commercial to not miss this stunning rest hold. Benjamin eventually works his way free from the hold but not from Ryder. Ryder whips him hard into the ring post, and Benjamin bounces back to the mat. Ryder makes a cover, and Shelton just barely gets his shoulder up. Ryder applies a few kicks, and then does a really crappy back suplex. He goes to the second rope in the corner and hits a cross body but still only gets a two count. Ryder applies a body scissors to continue to wear down Benjamin. Benjamin elbows his way out, but can’t do much more. Ryder again goes up top for the Long Island, and a cross body from the top rope, another pin and another two count. Benjamin collapses in the corner, and the two exchange hockey punches. Finally, Benjamin goes all Rocky on him, and his a house afire. He whips Ryder into the corner and follows him in with a stinger splash. He catches him on the way out with a backbreaker, and then a belly-to-back suplex, with a bridge, but Ryder kicks out of that at two. Both men struggle to their feet. Shelton follows Zach into the corner and gets an elbow. Ryder uses the ropes to leap into the air and lands on Benjamin’s shoulders. Benjamin power bombs him into the corner. Benjamin waits for his moment, and hits Paydirt. And that is it. Winner and Number One Contender: Shelton Benjamin

After the match, Christian comes out in street clothes, with his belt over his shoulder to confront his number one contender. He comes about midway down the ramp and we fade to a badly placed advertisement/video package. I’ll just tell you now, (since I watched this once already) this is going to be an ongoing theme for the night.

We rejoin Christian mid-sentence almost, where he talks about the PPV in three weeks, TLC. He does the run down of what all that means, The upshot is that Christian thinks he and Shelton should be in the ladder match for the ECW championship. Christian wants to steal the show, and Shelton is totally on board for that. They shake hands, but Shelton promises that there will be a new ECW champion after that.

Elsewhere backstage, Regal is bitching to his minions about not being the number one contender. He thinks that if he defeats Yoshi Tatsu he’ll be one step closer to that goal. The three of them have to be ready for anything. Anything that is, except ANOTHER crappy video clip/advertisement break, cutting Regal off mid sentence. Amazing. Did they give everyone the week off and hire temps?

Match 2: Vance Archer v. Alex “Red Trunks” Reynolds.

It was nice to know you Alex. The nice thing about a squash though, is there’s no opportunity for a poorly placed commercial break.

I also have to interject here. I know we have a strict “no recapping video packages” policy here, but DX v. Jericho/Big Show in a TLC match? Really? Look, WWE. TLC matches are for young, flippy wrestlers, without a veritable smorgasbord of surgically reconstructed body parts. I think Jericho is the only one of the four that’s been relatively free of serious injury (although I’m sure someone can let me know if I’m wrong about that). Do we need to make sure it’s all four? These guys could put on a great match, and if you wanted a gimmick, make them the chairs match. But seriously? You think Big Show chokeslamming HBK off the top of a 20-foot ladder into a whole bunch of tables is a good business decision? Thank the gods I do not have any WWE stock.

Abraham Washington Show w/Matt Hardy

Thankfully, not the main event. Tonight’s insult target: Twilight: New Moon. We then get our guest Matt Hardy, which disappointed Washington. He thought it was going to be Jeff. Matt wished he was going to be on the Conan O’Brien show, so they’re even Tony Atlas says “Me too,” which has got to be the best thing I’ve ever seen on this stupid segment. He plugs his appearance on Scare Tactics next week. Atlas sneaks up on Washington and scares him, so Washington fires him. Matt tries to get everyone to cheer for Tony. Washington has shortness of breath. I completely lost interest and when I regained consciousness, Matt and Tony are high fiving each other, as Washington walks off stage. Maybe this is the end of this incredibly annoying segment.

Match 3: Yoshi Tatsu v. William Regal (w/Kozlov and Jackson)

Opening bell and Regal begins with his usual style but Tatsu is quick enough that Regal can’t get hold at first. They actually end up being fairly evenly matched for the first bit, with Yoshi answering Regal’s uppercuts with some of his own, before landing a series of kicks that drive Regal back to the corner. Yoshi whips him out of the corner, but Regal counters and levels Tatsu with a lariat. Now Regal goes into his style, eventually getting Yoshi into a chinlock. He ties Yoshi up in the ropes and hammers the back of his head as Kozlov and Jackson look on. The referee pulls him off, and Kozlov pushes Yoshi back into the ring. Jackson shoots him a look like “What are you doing?” Tatsu nails Regal with a big kick, and then makes the pin and one, two…three? Really? Winner: Yoshi Tatsu

Yoshi beats feet out of the ring, as the wise man he is. Kozlov and Jackson come in to tend to their fallen colleague. Or…do they? Regal begins to yell at them for Yoshi’s win. Regal is very cross with them, indeed. Eventually, Kozlov points to Jackson and says “HE DID IT!” Jackson is less than thrilled, and power slams Kozlov. Regal protests and … Jackson steps over Kozlov to get right into Regal’s face. Then…yes! Power slam on Regal.

Overall not a great show. The crappy editing interfered with the flow a lot, and I’d be willing to bet the recaps and video packages (always a problem) were at least half of the air time. I still don’t know what the point was of Abraham Washington’s show, as there had to have been a better way to hype Hardy’s appearance on Scare Tactics. So, I’ll follow my brother-in-flames PyroFalkon’s example and give this one a rating of 2.0, and that’s just me be generous for the holiday.