We open with Christian coming to the ring, belt over his shoulder, in his wrestling gear. He wants Regal in the ring. Now. There’s a delay, as for the first time ever Regal is not interested apparently in the one thing he’s been trying to go after for weeks. Cue the music, but it’s not Regal, it’s GM Tiffany. (By the way, WWE, if you’re reading. Her music sucks. Stop it, now.) She apologizes for her part in Regal’s rampage, and they discuss Regal’s disrespect. Christian doesn’t care, he just wants Regal. And he gets him, with his lackeys in tow. Regal stays at the top of the ramp, and wants to know how badly Christian wants him. (If this wasn’t wrestling, this whole conversation would be weird). Regal says the only way he’ll do that, is if it’s for the championship. Christian says “You got it.” Tiffany says they have other matches scheduled, but neither of them care. Christian wants to beat him in the same ring where he won his first ECW Championship, right here in Providence, Rhode Island. So Tiffany asks Regal if he accepts, and Regal says no. He’ll accept only on his terms. Regal would rather have it be against a crowd that deserves it, next week in England, in front of his home crowd. Ignoring WWE Rule #523: The home town wrestler always loses in his hometown. Christian and Tiffany agrees, and Tiffany adds that Zeke and Vlad are banned from ringside. And she reminds Regal his match for this week is next. Regal walks to the ring for his match, and Christian stares him down the whole way. As Regal gets to the ring apron, Christian nails him with a drop kick. Tiffany pushes Christian back and we go to commercial so they can sort this out.

Match 1: William Regal v. Goldust

Regal rubs the back of his head as he gets announced, and Goldust makes his usual entrance. After the opening moves, Goldust gets Regal on his back and applies many punches. As the ref pulls him off, Regal powders out, but Goldust goes out after him. Goldust punches him to the ground, and then “helps” him back into the ring. He again attacks Regal with many slaps, but Regal pushes him off and out of the ring. Goldust reaches up and pulls Regal out feet first, and continues the punches and slaps. Back in the ring, and Regal makes a wild punch that Goldust easy dodges, picking Regal up and slamming his tailbone right down onto Goldust’s knee. He tosses Regal to the corner, climbs up, and begins the punches. He (and the crowd) get to five when he stops and backs up. He runs in, but Regal gets his foot up. Regal tosses Goldust into the corner, and he starts in with the punches. A whip to the corner, and he levels Goldust with a clothesline. He makes a pin for two, and then applies a front face lock. Goldust eventually gets to a stand, and hits several blows to the abdomen. He drops down to the mat and reaches up for a slap, then hits two clotheslines in a row with some nice rope work. Eventually, though Regal responds with another big boot. He runs in, but Goldust gets him over in a power slam, followed up with a bulldog. Goldust goes for the splash in the corner, but Regal dodges. Regal hits the ropes and bounces off with a knee to Goldust’s temple, and that knocks him out. Regal makes the pin. WINNER: William Regal.

Backstage, Zach Ryder is admiring herself in the mirror, and Rosa Mendes comes up to introduce herself as the one announcing his match. They do a stupid video thing where Ryder isn’t listening, but mesmerized by her beauty, so much so that he squeezes his water bottle and the top comes off, spurting water everywhere. Get it? Spurting? That was funny when we were all twelve, right?

Back from commercial and the actual ring announcer announces our guest ring announcer, Rosa Mendes. Okay. Mendes is really happy to be here, but she’s really nervous. But she’s been practicing all day and… is then told to get on with it by the production staff.

Match 2: Zach Ryder v. Shelton Benjamin

Rosa and Ryder (ha!) give each other the fourteen-year-old “I like you, do you like me?” look. Mendes manages to not screw up the names, and is thus already excelling over the Bella twins.

Benjamin gets the early offense, and Ryder powders out. Benjamin follows him, and … hey, didn’t I just type this for the Regal/Goldust match? Ryder is able to dodge Benjamin though, and gets back in the ring on his own (unlike Regal) and hits a missile drop kick on Benjamin when he tries to return. Ryder puts the boots to him, and hits a lateral press (that’s 2) for only a two count. Ryder keeps up the offense for another pin, and then gets Benjamin in a headlock. Benjamin gets out briefly, but Ryder takes him back down for a quick pin, and then back into a chinlock. Shelton gets back up, but Ryder tosses him to the corner. The tow exchange blows, and then Shelton gets the upper hand. He whips him to the ropes, and back body drops him, followed by a toss to the corner for a splash. Benjamin tries the ropes again, and at first Ryder counters, but on the next try, Benjamin hits a suplex that sends Ryder outside. The two fight on either side of the ropes for a while, and Benjamin flips back in, but Ryder is distracted by Mendes applying lip gloss. (Really guys? Does that actually work?) Shelton takes advantage of this and hits Paydirt and gets the pin. WINNER: Shelton Benjamin, via hormones.

At this point, thirty minutes in, we get the ‘coming up is our main event.’ Does this mean we get twenty minutes of commercials, video packages, and recaps? Nope, we get the Burchills in the ring, both looking mighty fine in their street wear. Burchill reminds us that he wanted to meet Hurricane in the ring, but there is no Hurricane. Except, as he’s telling us this, we get the Hurricane’s ring entrance package, and here he comes, as requested. They exchange insults for way too long before they get to the point. Burchill asks for one more match. If Burchill wins, Hurricane will unmask. Someone in the crowd seriously starts shouting “No, no! Don’t do it!” If Hurricane wins, the Burchills will leave ECW. Hurricane of course agrees.

Backstage again, Tony Atlas is TALKING~! and WALKING~! with Abraham Washington, bitching about the loss of their set. The whole thing gets even more stupid, until they get to Tiffany’s office, where the newest superstar Vance Archer (a.k.a. Lance Hoyt) comes out and shuts them up with a look. Tiffany tells them who he is and says “He’s…well….he’s intense.”

Match 3: Vance Archer v. Logan “Red Trucks” Jones

Yeah, he cut his hair all off, but I recognize that stupid tramp-stamp tattoo of his anywhere. Logan Jones weights all of 190 pounds, so I think we can all see where this is coming, although Jones does get a nice hometown pop. Before he’s planted in the mat, anyway.

Match 4: Ezekiel Jackson and Vladimir Kozlov v. Christian and Yoshi Tatsu

Okay, I’m distracted at the beginning of this match because Christian looks…yellow. I suppose it could be the television, but no one else looks yellow. And I’m not talking the usual “tanning gone awry” color, which is more orange. This is really yellow. Maybe someone should check out his liver functions. Or maybe he dressed up like Goldust for Halloween and it stained his skin.

Anyway, Tatsu is in the ring first and his kicks seem to keep Jackson at bay for the most party. Jackson tags in Kozlov, who again has a hard time getting through Tatsu’s kicks, but he eventually gets over that, and he and then Jackson take turns doing the big man power move set on poor Tatsu, isolating him on their side of the ring. Let me summarize: Pick up, slam, stretch. Tatsu eventually dodges a Jackson splash and crawls ever so slowly to the corner to tag in Christian, while Jackson tags in Kozlov. Christian applies his moveset with flying uppercuts, and then goes to the heel corner. He pushes Jackson off the corner, and goes up top, but Kozlov grabs him and throws him down, a la Ric Flair (Wooo!) Kozlov brings him up and holds him on his shoulder, but Christian wriggles free, and hits a neckbreaker on Kozlov. He makes the pin, but Jackson comes in to break it up, which of course brings in Tatsu. Tatsu and Christian double team Jackson and lift him up and over the top rope. Tatsu flies over the ropes for a plancha, but Christian turns into Kozlov. Kozlov hits a fallaway slam. Kozlov tries to get him to the corner, but Christian dodges and hits a tornado DDT off the top rope. Christian hits the Killswitch, and makes the pin. WINNER: Christian and Tatsu.

As they’re being announced, Regal enters the ring to attack Christian, but Christian is ready, The two exchange blows, but then Jackson comes up from behind. He puts the boots to Christian. Regal directs his m inions and they drag Christian over to the corner, where they each take turns pulling him rib first to the ring post. The pull him from the ring and continue to beat on him. Tatsu is no where to be found. Regal gets him in a headlock and refuses to let go. He finally does, and we fade out with Regal mocking Christian, who is just trying to gasp for breath.