Well, so much for that. Now everything good about WWE is moved to Raw. Which, yay for Raw. Yay for PyroFalkon. But what about ME? First, I lose John Morrison, but there was a healthy cadre of ab-licious wrestlers to stand in for him. Now they’re gone too, and I get Golddust? And useless divas? Feh, WWE. Feh.

Oh I’ll carry on and recap. But I’m not going to be happy about it.

We start off with GM the Tiffany in the ring explaining the whole 15-person draft thing and being super duper really really excited about it. And that the new superstar initiative started by Teddy Long is still in effect. So since we have an amazing show, we should get started, right now!

Match 1: Shelton Benjamin v. Yoshi Tatsu

Hm.. Yoshi Tatsu gets his own entrance music and video. I’m guessing he’s not a red trunks, so maybe this won’t be a squash. Shelton begins with the mic and talks all sorts of fake Japanese to Tatsu. He talks to him in English with fake Japanese accent, and then runs through the gamut of Japanese stereotype poses. He deeply bows to all four corners of the ring, then does the crane pose from Karate Kid (possibly the dumbest stance one could ever stand in, from a defense perspective, and part of me hopes Tatsu demonstrates exactly why), and then does the sumo wrestlers stomp. Tatsu says something to Sheldon, probably along the lines of “Let’s quit goofing off.” Sheldon bows deeply and mockingly at Tatsu, who finally does what he should have done in the first place. He executes a big right roundhouse kick to the side of Sheldon’s head. Sheldon goes down and Tatsu pounces for the pin. One-two-three! Winner: Yoshi Tatsu.

Okay, it was a squash after all. Just not the squash I had anticipated.

Abraham Washington, another member of the new star initiative is WALKING~! down the hallway, slapping hands, as he heads to the ring for his new talk show. After commercials we come back and he’s got MVP’s old furniture. The Bella Twins come out. And really, the less said about this bit the better. It’s not every day that the crowd is so quiet, that you can hear individual fans. Mercifully, the crap ends after we re-establish the Bella twins as being very competitive, and not really getting along all that well.

Match 2: Sheamus v. Oliver “Red Trunks” John

Sheamus is so very pasty white. And he’s spelling his name wrong for someone who opens his first promo with Gaelic. Oliver John actually is wearing red trunks. WWE owes me royalties. And yes, this is the squash I expected it to be.

Kozlov and William Regal are WALKING~! Regal wants to make sure that Kozlov understands the strategy they discussed, because he wants to make sure his return to ECW makes an “impact.” Kozlov says something in Russian. Good grief, ECW is starting to look like the U.N.

Elsewhere backstage, Zach Ryder is talking to yet another new superstar, Tyler Reks has appreciated Ryder’s work, and loves surfing. He has dreadlocks. And he’s wrestling Ryder on WWE Superstars on Thursday. I like him.

Also backstage, Dreamer and Christian are discussing their upcoming match. Christian basks in the glow of returning to the scene of his return to WWE, when he said he wanted to be ECW champ. And he still does! Dreamer is excited that Christian picked now to mention this.

Match 3: Vladimir Kozlov/William Regal v. Tommy Dreamer/Christian

Opening lock up is Christian and Regal. They exchange armbars and armlocks. Christian takes Regal over twice in a headlock, and makes a quick pin. Some more exchanges, and Christian hits his flying uppercut from the second rope, but Regal recovers and tags in Kozlov. Christian slaps him several times, and then runs the ropes, but Kozlov knocks him down with a shoulder block. He gets Christian up onto his shoulder and holds him there Finally, Christian slides off, and there too close to the corner, so Christian tags in Dreamer. Dreamer gets put in the corner, and Kozlov shoulders him a lot. He follows up with punches, and the two take turns with that. Dreamer leaps and hits the cross body block, and since Kozlov is no Mark Henry, it actually works, and he knocks Kozlov over for a two-count. Kozlov charges at Dreamer who drops the top rope down for him so he goes over onto the floor. Dreamer tags in Christian.

Christian sizes up the situation and then spring board missile kicks from the opposite ropes a returning Kozlov. Back to the floor he goes, and Christian goes up top. Regal runs around to taunt Christian, which brings Dreamer over to the edge too. Christian hops down of the ropes and we break for commercial.

We return to find Dreamer in a Regal-headlock. But not for long as Tommy gets to his feet with some abdominal uppercuts, but that doesn’t keep Regal from being on offense. The referee warns him about rope breaks, which allows Kozlov to get a few shots in. This brings in Christian, and the referee remains distracted kicking him out. Regal tags Kozlov in and he hits three really big elbow drops on Dreamer. He pins him for two. Kozlov tags Regal back in. Regal hits a European uppercut on Dreamer who falls back into the ropes, then bounces back up and chops Regal. Nice. But it’s still not enough. Or is it? He gets Regal’s arm and flips him over, then makes the tag on Christian.

Christian comes in a house o’ fire on Regal. Like, seriously. Many punches, a few drop kicks. He gets a quick pin for two. Christian knocks Kozlov off the apron, back kicks Regal, and then bounces off for a sunset flip and pin. Again, he only gets two. Regal rolls to the apron and then gets up and bounces Christian’s arm off the ropes. He tags in Kozlov. He runs Christian into the post, twice. And targets the arm regal just tried to pull out of the socket. Christian tells him “that’s enough” (seriously, I can read lips) and then gets some brief offense in, before he bounces off the ropes and face first into Kozlov’s knee. He tags regal in again, and he continues to target the arm and shoulder. And back in comes Kozlov for more of the same. Dreamer tries to encourage him to tag in, but he can’t reach. Kozlov gets Christian’s arms pinned, hits three head butts to the sternum (also an anatomically stupid thing to do) and flips Christian with a suplex. He pins and this could be…no! Christian kicks out at 3.7, at least. Kozlov tags Regal in, but Christian is proving a little harder to handle than he was. But eventually Regal does regain control, and goes back to working the arm. He tries to push Christian to the corner, but Christian pushes him instead, and then Regal runs into Christian’s shoulder. Both men are down. They wander to their corners and we get Kozlov and Dreamer.

Dreamer comes in and hits some punches that go nowhere. He tries for some clotheslines off the ropes, and those go nowhere either. Kozlov grabs him and throws him to the corner, but Tommy gets his big boot into Kozlov’s face. Tommy goes up top and hits a flying clothesline. That worked. But Dreamer only gets a two count. Regal comes flying in, but Christian meets him mid-ring, and kicks him, literally, out. Dreamer gets Kozlov set for the DDT, but Kozlov gets out of it. So Dreamer hits him with a neckbreaker instead. He makes the pin, but still it’s only a two count. We switch cameras to see Regal throwing Christian into the steps. Back in the ring, Dreamer and Kozlov are exchanging moves, and Dreamer pushes him into the corner. Regal reaches in and tags himself in! Dreamer says, “Okay,” and clotheslines Kozlov out, and pulls Regal in over the ropes by his hair! He wraps him up with an inside cradle, but that’ sonly a three count. Tommy tries a shoulder block on Regal, but Regal dodges and Tommy slowly hits the ring post. Um, ow? He falls back and Regal grabs him and barely gets him over with a suplex. He backs up, telling Tommy to get up, and Kozlov repays the favor from earlier, tagging himself back in. Kozlov powerslams Dreamer, makes the pin, and that is that. Winner: Vladimir Kozlov/William Regal. After the match, Regal raises Kozlov’s hand, all being forgiven with the win. For now.

Epilogue: Okay we have four new folks, but none of them actually did anything. Tatsu’s match was a ‘reverse squash,’ Washington did a crappy talk show with even crappier divas, Sheamus had an actual squash, and Reks did a promo for a show I don’t watch. Now, one could look at the abs quotient and say, yeah, they replaced what was lost as far as that goes. But I suspect most folks don’t watch ECW for that, myself included. At least not for that alone. So it remains to be seen if the trade permanently damages the show, or if this is just a reboot.