Don’t question my heart. Don’t question the fire that burns inside. We are ECW pseudo-live from ….. why do they not announce this anymore? And we start off nicely.

Match 1: David Hart Smith (w/Hart Dynasty) v. Christian

The two men lock up, and Smith pushes Christian to the corner. The ref breaks it and they dance some more. Smith starts working the left arm early, but Christian reverses. Christian does a rope run, but runs into a shoulder block by Smith that has him stunned. (Although didn’t you do that a bunch last week? It really shouldn’t be that stunning.) Smith gets Christian into another corner, and it’s broken up by the ref. Christian follows the break up with the Bitchslap of Disrespect. The enraged Smith tries to plow Christian back into the corner, but Christian dodges and gets Smith in a roll up for one. Christian lands another Bitchslap of Disrespect, and bounces off the ropes, he slides under Smith’s legs, but Smith picks him up and ends with a power slam. And then a second, just for kicks. Smith makes a cover and Christian is out at two. Smith gets Christian in a side headlock, and we rest. Christian gets out of it, and runs the ropes some more with all sorts of dodging, until Christian does hit the enziguiri. Smith goes outside the ropes, and Shoulder blocks Christian through them. They tease the over the ropes suplex twice, and Smith nearly gets him up vertical both times. Christian slides under the ropes between Smith’s legs, and then pulls them out from under him. Smith lands face first on the apron. As he recovers, Christian gets back into the ring and does a missile drop kick from center ring right to Smith’s head. Nice. Christian gets him back up on the apron, but Smith sets him up for a uranage, banging Christian’s head nicely on the apron on the way down. Way to go, Davey. Smith picks him up and runs him spine-first into the apron, then tosses him in the ring. Smith covers for two. Smith continues with elbow drops and knee drops, and then a chinlock with his knee to the back. But not for long. Christian manages to stand, but Smith beats him back down, and into the chinlock, then a headlock. Christian gets back up. Smith whips him into the ropes, but Christian comes out with a kick to Smith’s chin. Smith tries to get him into position for a vertical suplex, but they have to redo it a few times to get it right. Bad, bad, bad. Finally he gets it right, and Smith gets Christian up into a super-delayed vertical suplex. Another pin, but Christian gets a shoulder up at two. Christian gets over to the ropes and holds on for dear life. Smith tries whatever he can think of, but Christian won’t let go of the ropes. He crosses the ring and runs at Christian, who of course pulls the ropes down, so Davey goes over and out. Christian runs to the second rope, bounces off and OVER the ringpost, hitting Smith perfectly. Both men are down, and we take a break.

Back from commercial and Smith has Christian in another headlock. Christian again gets out of this hold by the “submission expert.” Smith lifts Christian up and hits two backbreakers across the knee. Smith gets another near fall. Christian is on his knees in pain, and Smith tries his own (weak) Bitchslap. Then Christian reaches up and shows him how it’s done. Smith rams Christian into the ringpost. They exchange blows for a bit, and then Christian can finally get on top and land a missile drop kick on Smith. Christian makes his first pin in a while, but Smith kicks out at two. Christian is “Christianing” up. A few more exchanges, and Christian whips Smith into the corner, and hits the Fulcrum. The same Fulcrum that everyone in the Hart Dynasty could block (or try to block) last week. Continuity cries in the corner. Smith staggers in a circle, and comes back in to where Christian has switched sides so he can hit the Fulcrum from the other side of the corner. Smith doesn’t block it. From the second ropes, Christian flies with a springboard uppercut. Christian with another pin for two. Smith tries to mount some offense, but it’s all Christian now. He drop toe holds Smith into the ropes, and then stands on his back. He leaps over Smith onto the floor and hits him with his fourth Bitchslap. He takes a break to chase Tyson Kidd around the ring, and then when he gets back in, Smith hits him with a clothesline. Smith pins, but nope. He tries to get Christian up for another power slam, but Christian counters, turning Smith into Killswitch position. But Smith counters that, pushing Christian to the corner. He follows him in (slowly) and Christian greets him with an elbow. No matter what Smith comes up with, Christian is countering. Finally, Christian gets a springboard sunset flip, for a pin. Smith kicks out at 2.5. He tries for the Killswitch again, but Smith counters with an attempted back body drop, but Christian flips and lands on his feet. He leaps on Smith’s back and tries to apply the sleeper hold. Smith pulls him over onto his shoulder then runs and powerslams him into a pin. But Christian gets a shoulder up! Smith picks him up for another vertical suplex, but Christian sloooowly falls back over the ropes landing right on the apron. Nicely done. He leaps down, pulling Smith’s neck back with him. He goes up top, but as Natalya distracts the referee, Kidd comes over and pulls Christian throat first onto the top rope. Christian is dazed, and Smith capitalizes with another suplex. He makes the pin, and the referee makes the count. Winner via shenanigans: David Hart Smith.

The Hart Dynasty celebrates some more, with Kidd encouraging Smith to take Christian out. Before he can do much of anything, Finlay comes running into the ring with the shillelagh! The Dynasty clears the ring, but stays on the ramp. Christian staggers to his feet, and Finlay turns and nails him with the shillelagh! He looks at his handiwork for a while and then leaves the ring.

Backstage, Gregory Helms is asking Finlay, “Whas up wit’ dat?” We are back to the original eye story, that he got it breaking up a fight between Christian and Dreamer.

Match 2: Mark Henry (w/Tony Atlas) v. Evan Bourne

Bourne has his lower midsection wrapped, obstructing my view of his abdominals. And while I think there is still an injunction in place against me discussing Mark Henry’s ring wear, either it shrank or he gained weight around the … legs. Bourne makes a valiant attempt at trying to break Henry down with lots of kicks to the upper legs, but that’s not going to work, Matt. The knees…go for the knees. Henry lawn-darts Bourne out of the ring into the barricade. Atlas wanders over toward him, but Henry gets mad and turns to berate Atlas. He tosses Bourne back into the ring, but it takes Henry a while to get there. Especially since because as he’s climbing, Bourne baseball slides right into him. That only slows him down temporarily, because Henry still rolls in. Bourne does indeed try to punch and kick him when he is down, but it seems to only make him angrier. He throws Bourne back first into the ring post. He runs (ha!) in for a splash, but Bourne sees it coming and dodges it. Henry is out of breath, either because of the running or because his chest hit the ring post. Bourne tries to run in on Henry, but Mark gets his Very Big Boot up. He head butts Bourne to the ground, and then stands on his sore ribs. He puts one foot on either side of the ring post (on the first rope) and goes for a Samoan drop, but Bourne dodges that too. Both men are down and the referee begins the count. Bourne gets to his feet first and tries to wear Henry down with more punches and kicks. Nice solid ones, too. Bourne thinks he’s safe, so tries to run the ropes, but instead, he gets clotheslined to hell. The referee asks Bourne if he’s okay. Bourne can only scream in pain, so clearly, the match will go on. Henry stands over him, and “runs” the ropes himself. He tries for a splash, but Bourne moves again, and Henry eats mat. Bourne again tries to kick Henry down, and does hit the springboard drop kick. Bourne tries for a cover, but Henry kicks out at two. Bourne runs the ropes again, and then wraps himself on Henry’s back. Henry manages to flip him to the front, and lands the World’s Strongest Slam. He makes the pin. Winner: Mark Henry with no shenanigans.

After the match, Henry picks Bourne up again, carries him for a bit, and hits a second World’s Strongest Slam. The referee kicks Henry out of the ring.

By the way, we’re at 10:34, and we have one event left, so you can imagine the array of recaps and video packages one gets to fast forward through.

We are backstage again, and Helms is interviewing Jack Swagger. Swagger wants to know what is the bigger joke, that he has to earn a shot at the ECW title, or that Dreamer has the title in the first place. He decides Dreamer is the bigger joke. Swagger is winning to night and then taking his championship back.

Match 3: Jack Swagger v. Tommy Dreamer

If Swagger wins, he gets a chance to compete with Dreamer for the belt. Okay, that doesn’t make a lot of sense. Defeat the champion and you get a shot at defeating the champion? But it’s what we got. Swagger goes low for the initial grab, and eventually takes Tommy to the mat for a split second. Tommy’s up and they go to the corner. Swagger runs in for a big boot, and then Dreamer springboard clotheslines off the second rope. Tommy hits a drop toe hold on Swagger, and then an elbow drop. He makes the pin and gets a two-count. Dreamer mounts Swagger and peppers him with punches until the referee make shim stop. Both men stand, and Swagger grabs Tommy and slams him down on the mat, covering for one, maybe two. Now it’s Swagger’s turn for punches, and the referee breaks it up again. Tommy gets to his hands and knees, and Swagger kicks him in the ribs. He whips dreamer into the ropes, but Dreamer comes back with a kick and then several punches, followed up with a clothesline over the ropes. Swagger hits the floor. Dreamer waits for his moment, then runs back, and baseball slides into a now and temporarily standing Swagger. Dreamer goes to the outside of the ring, standing on the corner behind the ring post, again waiting for his moment to hit what Swagger calls the FMF? A cannonball roll but Swagger counters it for a big painful-looking slam to the floor. Ow. That can’t be good on even a young man’s hip. Swagger yells at Tommy to get up as the referee begins the 10-count and we take a break.

Back from commercial we get an uncomfortably up-close shot of Dreamer’s face, as Swagger has him in a neck wrenching hold. He pushes Dreamer against the ropes throat-first, and the referee again counts to four. Swagger continues to mock Dreamer. He steps back, and Tommy lays into him with three punches, driving him across the ring. He whips Dreamer hard into corner, and goes for his Bulldog, but misses the hold. Swagger counters by getting Tommy into an abdominal stretch. Swagger cranks it down hard. Really. He does. He grabs the rope for more leverage, but the referee sees that, and starts another count. Swagger lets go and Tommy seizes opportunity yet again and hip-tosses Swagger over. While Swagger recovers, Dreamer gets a sunset flip and pins for one. Swagger kicks out and power slams Dreamer down. Swagger hooks the leg, but Tommy kicks out at two. Swagger rams Tommy’s head repeatedly into the turnbuckle. The referee breaks it up again, and the crowd does not approve of their beloved hero being abused in such a way. Swagger gets Tommy in a bear hug on the mat and squeezes hard. Dreamer works his way to a stand, then hits several elbows. He runs straight for the post, and ducks at the last minute, running Swaggers head right into it. He follows up with a clothesline, then a whip to the corner, and this time he hits the Bulldog, followed by a swinging neckbreaker. And then a second neckbreaker. He makes a pin, but Swagger gets a shoulder up. Both men standing, and Dreamer tries to get another grab, but Swagger uppercuts him, and then a kick to the midsection. They exchange some moves, and Dreamer tries to set up the DDT, but Swagger counters into a Northern Lights suplex. But Dreamer kicks out. We’re running out of time, boys. Dreamer and Swagger make their way to the second rope in the corner, and Swagger tries to get into position for something, but Tommy hits him in the gut one too many times and Swagger falls backward. Tommy’s in pain, but leaps anyway. Swagger has recovered though, so Tommy lands right into Swagger’s foot. He goes for the gutwrench powerbomb, but can’t quite get it, and Tommy grabs Swagger’s leg and pushes him over into roll-up. Swagger’s shoulders are down for two. Both men up again, and Dreamer again goes for the sloppy neckbreaker, that he almost fumbles (so I’m not sure what it was meant to be). Another cover, another kick out. Swagger rolls around in pain, and Tommy goes to the top rope. He leaps, but Swagger isn’t there! Swagger comes up behind him with an Oklahoma roll and another pin. And he gets three! Winner: All-American American Jack Swagger!

Swagger celebrates, but not for long as Finlay comes into the ring. Yes, we all saw this coming. All of us, that is, except Tommy Dreamer, who apparently doesn’t watch the monitors during the show. Finlay lays him out with the shillelagh and threatens Swagger, who has wisely powdered out of the ring. Christian comes limping down the ramp, and takes Finlay out. This brings Swagger into the ring with an ax handle to Christian while he destroys Finlay. Swagger continues hammering away, and then throws Christian out of the ring. He turns around, and Finlay lays him out with a shillelagh. Finlay doesn’t need his help, apparently. Fade with Finlay in the ring looking at his handiwork.