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ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW: TNA IMPACT  
The Beginning of the End for Mick? 
March 24, 2009

by FlammableManimal
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

 

Normally, I can’t figure out what to write about in the precap, but this week there’s a veritable cornucopia of topics. There’s so much to talk about that Michelle Obama being the 1st person besides Oprah to be on the cover of Oprah’s magazine (and talking about White House pie, no less) won’t even be discussed.
 

First, let’s talk about the latest issue of ESPN the Magazine. Most sports media seems to understand that they have to pretend to take women’s sports seriously so they don’t offend that part of the audience. Hence, for SI’s March Madness cover, they actually included 3 female athletes (to go along with 3 cheerleaders and

about 50 guys). Yes, it’s clearly patronizing to anyone with a brain, but at least they can say they’re trying. But ESPN seems to have forgotten that they’re supposed to be pretending and actually have taken women’s sports seriously. 

With all that’s going on in sports-NFL Free Agency, NBA and NHL going into the stretch run and the aforementioned March Madness-ESPN decided to give its cover to Candace Parker, a woman who isn’t even going to play in the next season of a league that nobody cares about. Not only that, they asked if she’s the next Jordan and their comparison wasn’t even based on the fact that Jordan took a few years off for no reason like she’s doing. (Or, if you believe the conspiracy that Jordan took off to avoid a double secret gambling probation, perhaps she was caught juicing and forced to become pregnant so she’d have an excuse to skip a season). Then the article, which is written by a woman, starts off by talking about how beautiful Candace is, with an extra focus on her boobs. So, are we supposed to take her seriously as an athlete or just stare at her chest? I’m confused.

I’m also confused as to why I’m supposed to care about the WBC. On a patriotic level, I see no reason to care about a commercialized competition where the US is supposed to try to show its baseball dominance over countries that can’t hold its jockstrap in economic and social terms. On a sports level, I can’t possibly take any tournament seriously when it includes the slaughter rule, especially if it uses the politically-correct “mercy rule” name, which is actually more insulting. Fortunately, no one else seems to care or they would have seen Team US completely embarrass the country. First, they got slaughter-ruled by Puerto Rico. (Why does PR have its own team anyway? Isn’t it part of the US? Ingrates.) Then Team US went way over the top in celebrating the victory that put them into the quarterfinals. “Woo hoo! We’re halfway to our final goal!” Compare that to the way Japan barely celebrated knocking off the US and making it to the finals, and the Team US dogpile seems a little extreme.

And speaking of things that confuse me, how about some of TNA’s most recent booking decisions? I’ll explain more as we delve into this week’s IMPACT, the title of which escapes me.

AJ Styles fresh off his PPV victory over Booker T, came to the ring to talk to Cornette, who gave some BS explanation why AJ is now the Legends Champion even though that’s a title that Booker made up. AJ talks about how great this is for the TNA Originals (not the Frontline, which he never mentioned). He said the belt will now be about respect and issued an open challenge but Book came out, rambled crazily for a while, and said AJ wouldn’t defend the title against anyone but him. AJ said Book was a paper champ and didn’t deserve a shot, so Book gave him the crazy eyes while Sharmell ran her mouth.

Kong and Saeed vs Taylor Wilde and ODB - Meh. Taylor Wilde remembered that she was the upset queen and pinned Kong after nicely countering a gorilla press into, but then Kong destroyed her and ODB. Kong’s new boyfriend ran down to make the save and Kong was so confused by the tingling in her nether regions that she had to bail.

Motor City Machine Guns vs No Limits-This one was for the Guns tag titles that they won in Japan a few months ago. (You know, the ones that have never been mentioned on the show before.) This was a typical Guns match, meaning lots of action, little psychology, and no attention paid to the tag team rules. Nice finish after the Guns set up a powerbomb/sliced bread combo which got countered and then some more countering led to Sabin hitting a frankensteiner but Limit rolled through for the win. MCMG then slinked to the back and Shelley never even mentioned his loss of the X-title.

Beer Money, upset that Kurt Angle took over the title of TNA’s top racist last week, ran down to the ring, beat up on No Limit and tossed them from the ring to ensure that they wouldn’t gain any heat from their victory (which is fine if they’re not showing up at TNA anymore). Then they called out 3D to tell them how much they respected them and how pissed off they are that they don’t get the same respect. Some more jibber jabber led to a Beer Money/3D match at Lockdown for the TNA (and IWGP) tag titles. Should be sweet.

The Beautiful People, straight from their sorority house throne room, said that Cute Kip was on probation and they were going to initiate Madison Rayne and haze The Governor (I’ve seen some great, um, movies that started like this). But all the BP interference couldn’t save this match Madison and the Governor got the win. Postmatch, the BP attacked, brought out some tiny clippers, and slowly cut off small clumps of the Governor’s hair. This took about 3 minutes but none of her friends or security came out to save us from the boredom her.

Eric Young got pushed to the moon last week, with an impassioned promo about how ready he was to go to the next level, a ringing endorsement from Sting, and a clean victory over a guy who had never wrestled before. Ok, that last part isn’t that impressive but the guy was 400 pounds and EY came close enough to hitting his finisher that Tenay bought it. So, they capitalized on that momentum at the PPV by jobbing him out to Brutus Magnus, which I guess was to remind us that Brutus does exist and is important. Then neither of them showed up. Speaking of not showing up…

Suicide won the X-title at the PPV in his first match. To capitalize on this, he wasn’t on the show. But at least Suicide, EY, Brutus Magnus, and LAX (also a no show) were treated better than…

Daivari and Samoa Joe-Last week, Daivari took out Rhyno, who was a main eventer only three months ago (which was only a few months after he was a jobber). To capitalize on this momentum, he was put into a match with Joe and quickly demolished, dragged to the back, chained up, threatened with a knife, and brutally beaten with a kendo stick. But he did win the match by DQ, so that’s a plus. Forgetting about how crazy it is that Tenay was less concerned about sending security than getting a camera to watch Joe torture Daivari, this made no sense at all. Why would Joe care about Daivari (a huge step down for Joe)? Shouldn’t he be going after the MEM? And why didn’t the MEM try to get Joe after he did so much damage to Steiner’s face that he showed up to the ring in a mask? All this mismanagement of talent (from this paragraph back to EY), is even more egregious considering the next and final angle of the night.

Sting and Angle vs Jarrett and Foley-Only 1 week after they talked about pushing the younger talent, this angle took up at least half the show.

It started the show with Kurt calling Sting a traitor (and being sort of backed up by the MEM) and saying Sting would have to tag with him tonight to prove his loyalty. Then Jarrett came out to say there would be no match and Sting agreed because Foley couldn’t wrestle. So Foley came out, asked Sting why he thought he was in charge, and agreed to the match, forcing Jarrett to agree as well. This all took about 15 minutes.

Then Jarrett and Foley got a 5 minute promo, where Foley nicely explained why he wanted back in (he can resist rollercoasters/pumpkin pie, but not if you put it right in his face and tell him “No!). Then Kurt Angle had a funny 5 minute interview with JB where JB went over everything Angle did at the PPV (“then you kicked him in the nuts.” “Yup, right in the nuts.”)

Then the main event got a good 15 minutes. After Angle’s security attacked Foley, 3D dragged them to the back and Kurt Angle managed to blast Foley with a chair then Angleslam him on the concrete. Since this didn’t lead to a DQ for some reason, Kurt Angle was able to take over and beat down Foley. Angle refused to tag in Sting who was telling him to end the match because Foley had enough. Then Jarrett attacked Angle and hit the pedigree (it always bugs me when TNA uses WWE finishers just to make them look bad) and went for the Stroke which was countered into an anklelock. Jarrett escaped and went for his guitar but Sting stopped him. By this time, Foley had recovered and grabbed a chair. Angle bailed, so Foley turned around and blasted Sting for the win.

Postmatch, Sting challenged Foley to a match at Lockdown and said he would end his career. Then Foley cut a nice promo about how he heard Sting telling Angle that Foley had had enough, but “I’ll say when I’ve had enough.”

Final Thoughts

A very up-and-down show. Everything with the Knockouts was terrible, the Joe/Daivari stuff was crappy and pointless and so many of the decisions seemed to nullify the events of previous weeks. However, the MCMG match was typically fun and the main event, while given way to much time, was pretty entertaining from the first promo to the last. However, much as I like Foley, I am concerned about him main eventing a PPV. His promos have been great, but he looks terrible in the ring. Sure, he may have been selling the injury/still be legit injured, and sure he’s always looked like ass, but now he looks like open, scattered ass. Even his chairshots look weak. But, I’ll be glad to be proven wrong.

E-MAIL FLAMMABLE MANIMAL
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