That’s the tune that was running through my head this morning and, even as a wrestling recapper, I’m not ashamed to admit it. After a hellish week-religious fast day on Monday, 18 hour workday on Wednesday, going to work on 2 hours of sleep on Thursday-I woke up this morning knowing that it was the first day of softball practice and, even better, my wife was going to be gone

Could IMPACT live up to this day? That seems unlikely considering that the DVR description was “Kurt Angle returns from his suspension,”-you know, the one where he still showed up and beat the crap out of random people before Jarrett threw him out of the arena just in time for the show to end.

Kurt Angle started the show by coming out and saying his suspension (which he never served) was over and called out Jarrett. Jarrett came out but Mick sent him away and then cut a decent promo, begging Kurt to give him an excuse to go “Cactus Jack” on his ass until Kurt backed off.

Don West and Mike Tenay continued their stupid angle by acting like high school girls and sniping at each other throughout the show. Even better, Don West was drunk.

Rhyno completed his return to jobber status-only months after challenging Sting for the title-by beating Daivari. But instead of squashing him, Rhyno got taken to the limit and then won with a rollup. Yes, Rhyno beat Daivari with a rollup. It got even better after the match when Daivari hit Rhyno with a lowblow, followed that with a chairshot, and then draped him in his turban. Hurray, it’s time for Rhyno-Daivari II.

Matt Morgan tried to get into Abyss’ head by coming onto Female JB. Then, Morgan and Beer Money took on 3D and Abyss in a 6-man elimination tag match. Although it was kind of ridiculous that Storm was DQ’d for spitting beer, this was still a decent match. Abyss and Morgan weren’t involved at all until Ray eliminated Roode and Morgan quickly ran in to chokeslam and eliminate Ray, leaving only Morgan and Abyss. Morgan chokeslammed Abyss, then went for the tacks, but Abyss got up and chokeslammed Morgan. Abyss was ready to use the tacks until Female “Stupid” JB came down and tried to stop him, distracting him enough to allow Morgan to hit a beautiful Carbon Blueprint for the win. Postmatch, Morgan grabbed Female JB and was threatening to chokeslam her onto the tacks, but this pissed off Abyss enough to chase him from the ring and accept the match. Tenay was disgusted when Don West (correctly) pointed out that Female JB would have deserved what she got for getting involved so Don West walked off the set.

Lethal Consequences cut a moronic promo during which they announced that their partners for the “8-man tag title match” (thanks Female JB) would be LAX, instead of Joe and AJ, their Frontline teammates who actually had a bone to pick with LC’s opponents. Booker came down to the ring and yelled at Mick, who was replacing Don West, so that Steiner could sneak up and take out Mick with a pipe. Nevertheless, they were still allowed to wrestle. Their partners were the Motor City Machine Guns, which prompted Tenay to say the MCMG were Frontline in name only (just like every other Frontline member). This was another decent match (thanks to minimal involvement by Book/Steiner) which was won after Sabin was pinned by Hernandez (one of the only guys in this match with nothing to do at the PPV).

ODB did a “hilarious” interview with JB, then tried to rape him.

BG James made his return so that he could spend time yelling at heels and overacting as he begged Foley/Jarrett to see reason. This was especially annoying when Mick returned post-pipe attack and cut a nice promo.

Fucking Everybody told Sting that they still believe in him. This, of course, is based on absolutely nothing since Sting stood around and let the Main Event Mafia attack everyone for 6 months, and has still never spoken out against the attacks.

The Beautiful People welcomed Madison Rayne as the new member of My Pi Sexy (is this the new stable name?) and mocked JB’s Penis. Then Madison Rayne lost her match against Taylor Wilde thanks to overly contrived interference by the ref, Knockers Law (boy, did they drop her angle fast or what?). Postmatch, the Beautiful People attacked but Roxxi and the Governor managed to crotch Cute Kip and sneak in. At this point, Rayne proved her uselessness by standing around and being too stupid to help her teammates, so Cute Kip had to recover and spray everyone in the face with perfume.

Cornette forced Booker to drop all police action against AJ in order to get his Legends Belt back. Since the Legends belt is Booker’s property, and not a legit TNA belt, I’m not sure why Booker signed instead of just having Cornette arrested. Then, he played mindgames until Booker signed a contract to wrestle AJ at Destination X.

I hate contract signings in wrestling. Why would anyone have to sign a contract when half the time management just makes matches at will? This is even stupider considering there was a whole episode where MEM took over and made matches that everyone accepted. Why didn’t they just not sign the contracts?

Joe and AJ pushed their PPV matches by not showing up. However, Samoa Joe did have a nice video package/promo which was only tainted by all his knife-play and “Nation of Violence” garbage.

The Main Event Angle almost beat out the AJ/Cops segment from last week, but only claims second place in the race for “TNA Stupidest Segment of the Year.” Cornette asked Sting and Angle to “elevate young talent” by picking a wrestler to represent them. Sting was quickly persuaded by a passionate speech by Eric Young, but Kurt had more trouble. First, he beat up Kiyoshi for not speaking English, then he got turned down by Brutus Magnus (the guy who wanted competition but hasn’t wrestled in weeks), so he wound up picking Rocco, his 400 pound security guard. After getting his ass kicked, Eric Young dodged a frog splash, then picked up Rocco for a DVD. Even though he couldn’t quite make it and settled for a Samoan Drop for the win, “The Professor” insisted on calling it a DVD. Postmatch, Angle attacked Eric Young so Sting attacked Angle but was outnumbered by the security guards. Then Foley came out to help so Steiner and Nash had to come out. Jarrett came out and nailed the security guards with chairs but Sting wouldn’t let him hit Nash and Steiner-Boy, won’t his face be red when Jarrett hits him with a guitar the PPV. Then Jarrett announced that he will be the special ref at Destination X, and Foley will be the special enforcer.

Another decent effort. As usual, Angle’s angle was stupid and BG James was worthless, but at least we got some good wrestling. Too bad they went with a horrendous main event. I’m sure beating Kurt Angle’s security guard is really going to rocket Eric Young to stardom.