Anyway, they say that the right wine can perfectly finish a meal. A nice Burgundy suits a steak; a Sauvignon Blanc fits grouper, and Night Train is ideal for Cheetos and expired bologna.

Drawing upon my expertise in wrestling and human drama, I’ve compiled a list (not yet complete) of the ideal wrestling move for circumstances with which you face on the long, twisty road to the grave.
 

Appropriate wrestling move: 
Chokeslam

Rationale:
Children are no good. Their natural state is always to cry, smash and scream. They must be constantly punished or beaten to avert this behavior. Yet all too many parents disregard this duty and let their wicked progeny run mad through our streets and public places. I’d say it was a national disgrace but I’ve seen even worse displays of childish glee in Japan, the supposed world capital of both reserve and cruelty.

The chokeslam is ideal for this situation because, not only for its brutality but also for its ergonomics. You see, most children come up to the waist of the average adult, basically right at the throat-grabbing threshold. Also, children tend to be light and can generally be lifted and thrown with ease.

If the chokeslam is performed correctly, the child will cease all noisy activities (possibly other bodily functions as well). Also, the child’s parent/guardian will receive a dramatic demonstration of proper juvenile correction.

Application:
Approach the disobedient child casually as though you were about to pat its filthy head. In one motion, quickly grasp it firmly by the throat and lift up (pull the hair with the other hand if you are weak or a woman). Raise the child over your head and slam it hard to the ground.

At this point, the parent/guardian will react with extreme shock and/or anger. If this person is weak (or a woman), look at them real sinister-like and say, “You’re next!” then walk away like a big man. A BIG MAN! If, however, the parent/guardian looks like he can beat your ass, just run away real fast while he attends to his stricken child.

Appropriate wrestling move: 
The Million Dollar Dream

Rationale:
Who goes through college just so they can work there as a financial aid officer? These people are life losers, and they take out the frustration over their failed dreams by exerting what little bureaucratic power they have to worsen the lives of others. They may say that the money matters are out of their hands, but these things are all subjective, and if they wanted, they could lavish all sorts of assistance, stipends and grants on you. But they don’t. They need comeuppance.

It is so terribly fitting that they suffer in a move whose name represents the riches they administer but can never have. Also, as they flail about in your vice-like clutches, they get a sense of the helplessness that their victims feel as they fill out form after form for money they’ll never receive. The fact that they are choked out by their own arm mirrors the fact that their own mistakes led to their dead-end existence.

Application:
As the financial aid officer delivers his wretched verdict, start to whimper and ask for a hug. He may seem surprised, but if you’re persistent, he’ll come around his desk to do the deed. When he nears, firmly grab his left hand with your right, then shift around to his back while snaking your left hand under his left armpit and behind his head. Apply pressure until the officer slumps into unconsciousness (possibly death).

What comes next is up to you. A nice way to finish is to remove the officer’s pants and your own. As he comes to, lay in the fetal position clutching your ass while whimpering, “Why? Why…” If you’re lucky, the financial aid officer will be think that he blacked out and molested you, so he may be eager to reconsider your aid status.
 

Appropriate wrestling move: 
The Heart Punch

Rationale:
Some people may say that it’s wrong to inflict violence on women. Those people are weak (or women). For some reason, ladies think that it’s best to end a relationship over an expensive meal for which you’re paying. Perhaps they feel that your masculine lust for red meat will distract your attention from their callous dismissal. Or maybe they feel that the swank surroundings will dissuade you from making a scene.

Don’t fall for that game. It is totally appropriate to give her what she’s given you, a thunderous blow right to the heart. The symbolic factor alone makes this an appropriate move, but if you perform it quickly enough, her violent gyrations as she undergoes cardiac fibrillation will make her the cause of a scene instead of you. Take that, harpy wench!

Application:
Once she delivers her crushing news, ask to hold her hand one more time. She’ll definitely fall for a request as tame as this. Scootch over to her right side. She’ll probably put forth her left hand, but if she doesn’t, ask to see that 1.5-carat diamond engagement ring for which you forfeited three months of your hard-earned salary. Take her left and in your left hand, then quickly sweep it behind her head, exposing the left side of her chest. Quickly strike her heart region with your right fist.

Practice on yourself first to get the position right. Follow your rib cage with your fingers up to the breastbone. From there, feel up (toward your head) about two finger widths. Strike about two inches to the right (her left) of that spot, for under it lies the cold, black cinder of evil that ruined your life.

If done correctly, she’ll begin shaking and shivering, kind of like how Hogan would after getting squashed by Earthquake. Immediately stand up and say, “Oh my god, she’s choking! I’ll get a doctor!” Then run away.
 

Appropriate wrestling move: 
Mandible Claw

Rationale:
Okay, you’re the guest. You expect and deserve to be escorted about in a safe and drunken manner by your friend, the expert in the area. He has a duty to show you around and make sure you have fun. Yeah sure, you’ve got doubts about the Volkswagen and its ability to withstand a 50-mile journey over dirt roads. But you trust this guy, and you’re sure he won’t let you down.

Of course everything fucks up exactly as you expect. And you’re angry at yourself for ever having trusted this shaggy-haired dingbat. But more than that, you’re angry at the shaggy-haired dingbat, who’s such a stupid fuckypants. What he needs is a taste of reality. And that’s why you deliver it, by thrusting two nasty, dirty fingers down his lying throat. When he returns to consciousness, he’ll still have the taste of your nastiness in his mouth, and there will be no way to cleanse out the funk because you’re all stranded in the desert without any water.

Application:
It’s not complicated. Just say something like, “Oh, you’ve got a mosquito on your chin” or “I think I see a cavity in your lower bicuspid.”

Then you ram your fingers in his mouth. Actually, you aren’t going for the throat, you’re going for the cluster of nerve endings under the tongue. If you apply adequate pressure, he’ll go into nearly immediate unconsciousness. If you don’t, he’ll bite your fingers off, so apply as much pressure as you can.

In either case, you’re probably all going to die, so you might as well fix things so that he looks like a dumb-dumb when the eventual discoverers of your corpses happen along. Shove one of his thumbs up the wrong place and the other in his pie hole. As for yourself, I recommend siphoning gasoline right into your stomach. You will die, but you’ll get a crazy-ass buzz right before the blindness and insanity.