I had every intention of doing up a whole big-ass column for Thursday-ish, and was basically just waiting for WWE to announce some details about the Slammys so I could have some fun mocking the nominees and predicting the winners (both in "Rick Think" and in "WWE Think") as sort of an amusing year-end exercise in punditry. Because I, you know?, kinda dig the idea of the Slammys and handing out awards as a cherry on top of our 2009 sundae.
 

• Chris Jericho and Big Show vs. Triple H and Shawn Michaels (Unified Tag Title Match, TLC Rules). This is the big feud everybody had kind of been waiting for back in September: two "super-teams" colliding in a huge cross-brand rivalry. But instead, DX played with Legacy for way too long and JeriShow had nary a single compelling challenge to their titles (MVP/Mark Henry? Cryme Tyme? No sale....). Until three weeks ago, when the Random Booking Machine was turned on, and HHH/HBK decided they'd had enough of quasi-singles action and wanted to re-focus on their teamwork. They arranged to get a shot at JeriShow's titles, where the subtext is that DX have never been tag champs together, and JeriShow are the most decorated mega-team ever in history. The sub-sub-text is that DX wants to win so that Jericho is forced to go back to SD (where he is assigned) with no more brand-hopping privileges, while Jericho is quite confident he'll continue to go where he wants, when he wants. The vibe here is that DX are the strong favorites (almost "uncrowned champs" who just haven't bothered to go after this title before), but please for the love of god: we need Jericho on Mondays, so let's not do anything stupid here, OK, WWE? Plus: hasn't Michaels refused regular work on SD because the TV tapings schedule would interfere with his Jesus Duties? There's no way this isn't a hell of an entertaining match (and likely Match of the Night) with the belts hanging above the ring and all three titular weapons in play for a full-on TLC Match, but I'll still be let down by anything other than a JeriShow win.
   
  
• Undertaker vs. Batista (World Heavyweight Title, Steel Chair Match). So, uhhh, Batista came back. He turned against Rey Mysterio, squashed Rey (twice, actually), and decided he wanted his World Title back. He attacked Taker with a chair (how convenient, given the TLC stipulations for this PPV), and got his title shot. Whee. To be fair: the new Heel Batista is solidly entertaining and fresh, and Batista/Taker have clicked better than expected in past matches. But the "Chair Match" gimmick is hella lame (a regular match, but chair whacking is legal? meh), and Taker's not had a match over 12 minutes the last few months (as he's said to be hurting pretty bad with a hip injury). So who knows? I'm not expecting a classic... but I think part of me IS expecting a title change.
   
  
• John Cena vs. Sheamus (WWE Title, Table Match). WWE gets points for effort, as they've gone full-speed ahead with Project Sheamus the past 3 weeks since he won Jesse Ventura's "Breakthrough Battle Royale." But let's not kid ourselves... he ain't gonna be winning the big gold, yet. WWE has punted the "Cena vs. the Entire Lockerroom" aspect of the feud, which would have been the one way you could go if you wanted to cheap-shot Sheamus to title (a small army of heels interferes, no babyfaces can be bothered to save Marketing Boy John Cena, and you only have to go through a table to lose, so no pinfall/submission to "officially" taint Superman Cena's status). Instead the lack of pinfall/submission in this style of match seems like it'll be used to "protect" Sheamus, who'll get a good showing here, lose the match by eating wood, but still be able to claim he's never been pinned or made to submit on the technicality. That'll serve him well whether he slows down and becomes a dominant mid-carder or if they decide to go with immediate rematches for him.... expect the standard Cena stuff here: very limited moveset/action, but spruced up with the electric mixed reaction audience and table-related gimmickry. No reason this should suck.
   
  
• Christian vs. Shelton Benjamin (ECW Title, Ladder Match). Although the storyline side of things in ECW has Christian's primary antagonists being William Regal and his Roundtable, they've kept pumping in #1 Contenders to his title on a monthly basis while making Regal jump through hoops to earn further shots. In this case: Shelton won the #1 contendership three weeks ago, and just as important as the ECW Title is to both he and Christian, they also made it clear from the outset that both intend to steal the show with the best match of the night. Christian's ladder match experience is second-to-none, and Shelton is WWE's premiere high spot artist, so here's hoping they get the chance (and at least 15-20 minutes) to make good on that threat of Grand Theft Pay-Per-View. Along with the tag title TLC match, this is the only other real reason to perk up on Sunday night, if you ask me...
   
  
• Kofi Kingston vs. Randy Orton. Two months into things, and I couldn't be happier with this little storyline. Orton's been demoted to a mid-card role, where his flamboyant mediocrity isn't as big of a problem, and Kofi's been red-hot as the easy break-out success story of 2009 since ditching the phony Jamaican accent/character. For the first month, it was all brawls and multi-way matches (including Kofi outlasting Orton to be a Sole Survivor at Survivor Series); now, they've had a pair of one-on-one matches, and have split the two (each winning in ultra-cheap fashion). So this is the rubber match, ostensibly NOT to be tainted by cheating, and ostensibly for All The Marbles. If WWE's got the guts, they put Kofi over and let him keep chugging away until he flops on his own or loses momentum; let the fans decide when enough is enough (since lord knows we've spoken our piece on where we think Orton belongs), and ride that Kofi Rocketship until then.
   
  
• John Morrison vs. Drew McIntyre (InterContinental Title). SD's supporting match doesn't have nearly the sizzle of RAW's. Instead of being 2 months old and red-hot, this little feud is 2 weeks old, and predicated on little more than McIntyre winning a non-title match against Morrison and then running his mouth about it and about how he's Mr. McMahon's Chosen One and all that nonsense. Not only do I speak for all of us when I say that WE DON'T CARE ABOUT VINCE'S TASTE IN MEN, but Morrison is still a guy who's at his best when he's working a match and NOT when he's workign the mic. So to say there's little about the build-up to this match to make anyone care would be an understatement. But once the bell rings and Johnny does what Johnny does, I'm sure it'll be plenty palatable... McIntyre's got a bit more going for him than Ziggler does, anyway, so these two oughta be able to top those legendary Morrison/Dolph snoozefests, if nothing else.
   
  
• Michelle McCool vs. Mickie James (Women's Title). So Mickie gets traded to SD (real life reason: Vince decided she was morbidly obese and no longer worth a spot on WWE's flagship show) where Michelle is the champ. Mickie decides no matter what show she's on, she wants the gold. Michelle spends 2 months not wrestling Mickie and calling her fat ("Piggy James"). Mickie spends two months weeping openly at the insults because in WWE Think, it's not enough to be DEMOTED for daring to possess a sweet sweet ass, you must be RITUALLY HUMILIATED for it. Then Mickie finally remembers this is wrestling, and not the Miss Anorexia Pagent, wins a #1 Contender match, and now she gets her title shot. Whee. In a battle of Grotesque Fatness vs. Malnourished Gauntness (w/ Plastic Boobs), whoever will win??!??