by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

The rest of you have been warned.

WWE Sunday Night Heat 
(Taped Monday, Airs Sunday)

• Garrison Cade beat Stevie Richards
• Hurricane and Rosey beat Two Guys
• Randy Orton beat Val Venis in what was described as a pretty lengthy and very competitive match

WWE Velocity
(Taped Tuesday, Airs Saturday, But Earlier Than It Used To)

• John Cena freestyled and then beat Akio
• Bradshaw squashed Funaki
• Rey Mysterio made it three-for-three in terms of top-level Thursday Night Talent slumming it on Velocity when he beat Jamie Noble.
• Mark Jindrak made it three-for-four, however, when he beat Shannon Moore

WWE SmackDown!
(Taped Tuesday, Airs Thursday)

• Show opens with GM Kurt Angle (wheelchair-bound and with a bodyguard/attendent) moving very slowly into the ring for a promo.  He's trying to get sympathy, but is getting "You Suck" chants instead.  Amidst some crying, he says his wrestling career is now over, and rattles off his fictional injuries from the skit two weeks ago.  But he says he came to SD! this week to resume his job, anyway, because he wanted to see the people (mild cheers).  Because the people are to blame for his injuries!  Forget the cheers.  He says the fans are all sick and twisted and it's their fault Big Show did what he did.  Then he says there's one more person who is even more to blame: Torrie Wilson.  He order Torrie to the ring, and he verbally undresses her.  Then he remembers GM Heyman made a match last week, and says he hopes Torrie gets what she deserves in a one-on-one match against Rene Dupree.  No Holds Barred!  And it's NEXT!
• Rene Dupree and Torrie Wilson went to a No Contest due to the interference of John Cena.  Dupree mostly just intimidated Torrie for a couple minutes, then did hit a move or two, then Cena made the save.   Cena brawls with Dupree and runs him off, and then checks on Torrie...
• Backstage: Dupree enters GM Angle's office, and the two commisserate over what just happened.  To make it up to Rene, Angle says it'll be Dupree vs. Cena for the US Title at Judgment Day.
• Chavo Guerrero beat Nunzio in a patented good-but-short TV Special.  Before the match, the arena was hit by a Taker Sighting (lights, mist, bong).  After the match ended and Chavo had dispatched the #1 Contender to his Cruiserweight Title, he got on the mic and said that he'd dominated the competition, and next week, he wanted somebody to step up and face him and actually give him a tough fight.  Hmmm...
• Rob Van Dam came out for a promo, and talked about being betrayed last week by the Dudleys and Paul Heyman.  Heyman came on out (and dammit, if they keep on just ignoring the fact that Heyman is PROPERTY OF RAW, I'm gonna be pissed, even if it is great to have Heyman back on TV) and tried to explain it to RVD.  He said it was nothing personal, but that he wanted to inspire the Dudleys to achieve their former greatness, and RVD was just the wrong guy in the wrong spot.  So RVD decided to challenge the Dudleys, tonight.  And he get 'em: both of 'em.  RVD gets his ass kicked for a moment or two, but then Eddie Guerrero is out for the save.  The Duds and Heyman scatter.
• Backstage: Booker T cuts a promo saying that the earlier Taker Sighting didn't spook him, and further, he says that if Undertaker would be a man, he'd come to SmackDown! and face him one on one.  Open challenge~!
• Still Backstage: Paul Heyman arranges with GM Angle for tonight's main event... it'll be Bubba Dudley vs. Eddie Guerrero, with RVD banned from ringside.  But D-Von and Heyman ARE allowed at ringside.
• Booker T beat Billy Gunn.  Described as too long and too slow, with one report saying he's sure that they will shorten this one in the editing room, if the past is any lesson.  Either that, or re-dub the sound so that "Boring" chants are not audible.  Booker finally won, and at that point, the lights dim and go purple, and the ring fills with mist...  and out come Paul Bearer and the Undertaker.  In the flesh, babies.  Taker seems intent on answering that open challenge, but Booker grabs a mic and runs down a laundry list of reasons why he won't fight Taker tonight...  but Taker's removing the hat, then the jacket, then getting in the ring.  Booker tells him he needs to get lost... and then decides to make Taker get lost himself.  He assaults Paul Bearer (already in the ring), steals the urn, and uses it to knock down the Undertaker.  Booker's looking mighty pleased with himself when...  you guessed it: Zombie Sit-Up.  And Booker flees in terror.
• Backstage: GM Angle is interviewed, and among his revelations: (1) He is now to be called Mister Angle at all times.  (2) He traded for Booker T because he thought Booker could be a franchise player.  (3)  So he's booking Booker vs. Taker at Judgment Day.  And (4) Taker hasn't wrestled since WM20, but his paid holiday ends next week with a match here on SD!.
• Still Backstage: Rico and Miss Jackie can't get Charlie Haas out of a changing room... seems Charlie doesn't like the new tights they made for him.  But Rico, with no-doubt hilarious homo-erotic overtones, says he REALLY NEEDS Charlie.  Because their match is next....
• Rico and Haas beat the Bashams in a match that was reportedly very entertaining.  Not "good," maybe, but damned amusing.  Haas, sure enough, came out sporting ridiculous looking new tights.  And the tag champs actually managed to work together a little bit: the finish was Rico kissing a Basham, and Charlie taking advantage of the distraction to nail that Basham with a Bridging German Suplex for the pin.
• John Bradshaw Layfield promo:  blah, blah, blah, more of the Campaign Commercial vibe from JBL.  On the upside, this was his only appearance on all of SmackDown!...  WATCH THIS SHOW, PEOPLE!  It's getting back on track!
• Eddie Guerrero beat Bubba Dudley in a very good 15 minute main event match.  Deck was stacked against Eddie, as Angle/Bodyguard, D-Von, and Heyman were all at ringside within the opening minutes of the match.  Angle just did commentary, but D-Von and Heyman got involved, physically.  Finish was a sweet spot where Heyman distracted the ref, and the Duds set Eddie up for the old LOD Doomsday Device finisher.  But as D-Von took flight, Eddie shifted his weight, and took Bubba down into a Victory Roll.  That's a pinning combination, ref turned around. One, two, three.  Eddie wins.  But Eddie's still out numbered.  Bubba and D-Von put a beating on Eddie until RVD ran down for the save.  The brawl goes for a minute or two until the faces get the advantage... and they set up for a great closing visual: Stereo Frog Splashes.  Supposedly, this looked awesome.  RVD and Eddie get in Angle's face a bit and celebrate to close the show.

Taker's back.  Angle's back.  Heyman's still here.  Bradshaw's not.  Sounds like a good show to me.  I'll be watching tomorrow night.  You do the same.  Or at least, come on back to OO on Friday for the full recap and analysis of the as-aired version of SmackDown...

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

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