by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

So here's some spoilers:

WWE Sunday Night Heat
(Taped Monday, Airs Sunday)

• Scott Steiner beat Lance Storm with the Slop Drop in a glorified squash.  One of these men probably deserves better than to be stuck on Heat.  You figure it out.
• Maven and Tommy Dreamer beat 3 Minute Warning; even without Rico, 3MW were heels here.  Even without Rico, 3MW were also jobbers here...  hmmm...
• Jazz retained the women's title with a win over Jacqueline (stemming from last week's Heat).  Teddy did a pre-match spiel and also interfered in the end to help Jazz win.
• Chris Nowinski beat Spike Dudley via pinfall after whacking him with his face mask.

WWE Velocity
(Taped Tuesday, Airs Saturday)

• Bill DeMott beat Shannon Moore
• A-Train beat a jobber.
• John Cena rapped.
• Matt Hardy beat Funaki to retain the Cruiserweight Title.

WWE SmackDown!
(Taped Tuesday, Airs Thursday)

• Opened with a wrestling match.  Of sorts.  Nidia pinned Torrie Wilson relatively cleanly (mixed reports on a handful of tights or somesuch).  Sable was ringside for the match, but did nothing other than act as guest ring announcer, really.  After the match was over, Torrie -- ahem -- "got her heat back" by pulling down Nidia's shorts.
• In the parking lot:  Vince McMahon arrived in his limo, and told his driver to park in the handicap spot because he's just running inside to discredit Mr. America and then he'll be right back.  Oddly, even though I can see it coming down Fifth Avenue, I don't mind... 
• Low Content Segment #1:  The lie detector guy is talking with Stephanie and setting his stuff up and going over the questions he's supposed to ask....  cut to Team Angle getting ready for another tag title shot...  cut to Tajiri coming up to Eddie Guerrero with a mysterious set of keys; seems Tajiri is making up for last week's shocking lack of Stealing amidst all the Lying and Cheating that Los Tajiros engaged in.
• Eddie Guerrero and Tajiri once again beat Team Angle via disqualification.  After coming to the ring in a (presumably stolen) low rider, Eddie and Tajiri immediately commenced the lying and cheating. This week's primary prop was the tag rope, which Eddie manipulated like a maestro.  Finish had Tajiri locked in the Haas of Pain, but Eddie went outside the ring, grabbed the ring bell, and rang it, tricking Haas into releasing the hold (thinking he won).  This also distracted the ref, allowing Eddie to go into the ring with a tag title belt to attack Team Angle.  But Haas took the belt away from Eddie and tried to use it as a weapon himself.  Eddie quickly drop toe-held Haas, disorienting him for a brief moment, and then threw himself on the ground and pretended to be knocked out.  The ref turned back around to see Haas with the belt and Eddie KO'ed, and called for the DQ finish.  Sounds like it should be fun.
• Backstage:  Mr. America is pacing, obviously concerned about the lie detector test.
• Vince McMahon comes out and announces that fans should get ready, because they are about to see Hulk Hogan on WWE TV for the very last time.  The lie detector test is on!  Let's get to some ****1/2 DETECTING, baby!  Mr. America comes out and gets hooked up to the gear, which is the new fangled kind that buzzes comically if you like and dings majestically if you tell the truth.  After America passes a few easy "warm-up" questions with flying colors, Vince asks point blank, "Are you Hulk Hogan?"...  Mr. America stalls at first, but finally answers "No."  And... "Ding."  He's telling the truth!  Vince repeats variants of the questions, but America always answers "No," and is always being honest.  Also, he once ate a train, piece by piece, after derailing it with his penis; "Ding," all true.  Vince things the polygraph is obviously broken, and asks to be hooked up to it himself to test it.  The expert does so, and asks a few warm-up questions before Mr. America decides to take over the interrogation.  Over the course of the questioning, Vince inadvertently reveals that he (a) is a giant asshole, (b) has spanked it to Torrie Wilson's Playboy, and (c) fantasizes about Mae Young.  Also, (d) he's a control freak because he was molested by his parents.  OK, so kidding about the penis-derailing and the control freak parts, but seriously, it looks like somebody's been studying their old "Mr. Show" skits, doesn't it?  This should be funny...  after Vince dismisses the polygraph as pointless, he rants briefly at Zach Gowen, who has a ringside seat, and then leaves.
• Backstage: Vince storms into Steph's office and accuses her of colluding with the polygraph expert and Mr. America because she is on Mr. America/Hogan's side in this.  Steph denies this, but Vince storms off in a huff, promising that things will be changing next week.  He promises.
• Sean O'Haire beat Chris Benoit in a decent little one-on-one match.  The finish came thanks to interference from Roddy Piper, who distracted Benoit enough to allow O'Haire to sneak attack from behind, and then get the pinfall with a roll-up and a handful of tights.
• Backstage: the FBI talk strategy with regards to their 3-on-2 handicap match tonight against Taker and Lesnar.  They have "BIG" plans, wink wink, nudge nudge....
• Backstage:  Rey Mysterio does an interview, revealing his groin injury last week was fairly mild, and that he'll be able to take his shot at Matt Hardy's Cruiserweight Title next week on SD!...  Or will he?  Hardy himself appears, and quickly delivers a swift kick right to Rey injured groin-al area.  Then he leaves with a smug look on his face and Rey writes in pain.
• Vignette:  An Ultimo Dragon video will air, promising that he's coming soon.  Note: this was NOT the same as the odd "The Metaphor is about to change" or whatever vignette from RAW.  This one was very similar to Rey's teaser videos, with lots of focus on Dragon's masks and his old WCW footage.
• Doug and Danny Basham surprised everybody with a win over Rikishi and Spanky Kendrick in their first match called up from the developmentals.  They worked as heels and pinned Spanky by illegally double-teaming him.  After the match, Rikishi cleaned house, and gave the fans what they wanted:  his rapid departure!  Just kidding:  he danced.  So did Spanky.  [Note: Doug Basham I know about...  but Danny is new to me; he might be another developmental guy just repackaged as Doug's brother.  I won't be sure till I see him, probably.]
• In the parking lot:  Vince is ready to leave the building, but finds that his limo is being towed.  Who could have done such a thing?  Vince hops in the limo after trying to convince the truck driver that he needed to be towed to the airport.  Once Vince is in the limo, Zach Gowen steps out from behind the camera and takes credit for the towing.  Apparently, he's already learning from the Hulkster, and the Zachster's #1 Demandment is "Thou Shalt Not Bogart My Handicap Spot."  Heh heh.  Vince plays the outrage even more over the top than usual as he is towed away.
• FBI comes out for the handicap match, but Nunzio grabs a mic, instead.  He claims to be too injured to work.  But since their contract was ironclad and said this would be a handicap match, they went out and found a suitable replacement:  Yep, the Big Show.  This will be our main event.  Maybe they SHOULD have gone with the lie detector test last...
• Johnny Stamboli, Chuck Palumbo, and Big Show beat Brock Lesnar and Undertaker.  In addition to fighting the legit 2-on-3 odds, you also had Nunzio running interference.  Finally, they got it so that Show was in the ring with Lesnar and Taker was pre-occupied.  After a chokeslam, Show got the three count.  The heels celebrated as the show ended.  [The live crowd got a bonus happy ending that involved Taker running off the heels, and then doing some wacky "birthday" celebration for a ring crew guy that involved Rikishi, a cake, and a stinkface.  Sounds fantastic.  But Rikishi's a local boy, and the crowd loved it.]

Check out SmackDown! in its as-aired version on Thursday... or at the very least, come on back here for the usual results and analysis of the show on Friday.

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

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