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His SuckySense is Tingling....
February 27, 2002

by Kyle Maxwell
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com


Given my spate of "gimmick" columns, I thought that I'd return to my roots for this issue of the Smarkies: No frills, no Nazis, no Triple H: just a good old fashioned look at the doggone amusin' thangs those 'rasslin fans are sayin'. Well, that, and a plea later on for people to cut Nathan Jones some damn slack already, at least until they've actually seen him wrestle. I have a hard time believing that he'll be any worse than Brock Poppa Pumpsner and his "Man of a Thousand Belly to Belly Suplexes" routine. If nothing else, Jones has already provided us with hours of amusement as hyper-gullible fans world-wide fell for one of the dumbest hoaxes in recent memory: "the Amazing Lactating Colossus of Boggo Road" story. I guess I should start a story that the guy actually developed a womb and gave birth to a child due to steroids, and see how many people fall for it.

And now, on with the show!

The "Downward spiral of the Dying Days of the WCW" Award
"WCW in it's dying days would be all over something like Girls Gone Wild."
-Gregg Allinson

The "Downward spiral of the Dying Days of the WCW" Award Part II
"Anyone else think that Girls Gone Wild is something that WCW would have done? Perhaps during its dying days?"
-Mike Sempervive

Wherein in he obsessively bitched about Riker holding Data down.
Scott Keith published a "rant" regarding Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Wherein he whined about Silent Bob stealing the spotlight from Jay.
Scott Keith published a "rant" regarding "An Evening with Kevin Smith."

Wherein he. wait a second, Star Trek, Kevin Smith, and now Robin Williams? This man has NEVER kissed a girl!
Scott Keith published a "rant" regarding Robin Williams.

That's what happens when you have a poll comprised of two people, one of which is your mother.
"I took a very informal, very unscientific poll of my readers, and it doesn't appear that No Way Out will break any buyrate records"
-Uncle T, the Torch

Because it plays to the universal and offensive "Latinos steal milk" stereotype?
"The Los Guerreros bit was funny, but racist"
-Mike R, regarding the "Chavo steals milk" skit on Raw.

That would be the "Latinos steal milk" stereotype, right?
"The Guerrero vignette may have garnered a few chuckles from the easily amused, but it's a setback for workers who are already over to suddenly play off a stupid stereotype."
-Jay K

No, we're obviously supposed to sit around whining about it.
"Are we all supposed to forget that Jamie Knoble and Nunzio are allegedly related?"
-Jay K

Because nothing says "wrestling fan" like wishing a career ending injury on a guy that's devoted ten years to entertaining us.
"hopefully [Nathan Jones] can punch Undertaker's career ticket and thus get himself fired, killing two birds with one stone."
-Scott Keith, wrestling fan

Is there any possibility that BJ Bethel could spontaneously combust whilst giving Scott Keith oral pleasure, thereby killing two pricks with one explosion?
"I had the same hopes for Scott Steiner with HHH, but as usual he proved disappointing."
-Scott Keith

In case you missed the memo, Nathan Jones is now the official "guy to whine about for no apparent reason."
"We can do a lot worse than Albert. I mean, you've got Henry, DeMott, Rikishi and Nathan Jones."
-JJBRWESQ via Online Onslaught

It's a sad, sad day when OO writers have to pretend that they're writing a "Lounge" guest spot for the Torch.
"The jukebox in this fecund dive is playing a delicious medley of "RV' by Faith No More, "Here Comes A Regular," by The Replacements and that funereal dirge by The Kinks: "Alcohol.""
-Jeb Lund, succumbing to Wade Keller's belief that columns are much, much better if accompanied by make-believe music on an imaginary jukebox.

Don't look at me. You're lucky if I crank out three columns a YEAR.
"Jeb Lund is going to do columns every day next week... as a man who can only bring himself to write about wrestling three times a week, I am morbidly curious to see how Jeb handles things."
-Our beloved OO leader, The Rick

Now for our monthly Egregious Opinion Piece!
Why are people complaining about Steiner and going orgasmic over Lesnar, when they're basically the same guy? I mean, if either guy knows a move that isn't a variation of a belly to belly suplex, they're certainly doing an incredible job of hiding it. The mere fact that Lesnar apparently DOES know other moves doesn't make up for the fact that he never uses them. Come on people, if you're gonna slag Nathan Jones without ever even SEEING the guy wrestle, (which I have, and he really wasn't that bad), then at least slag Lesnar as well.

Geek Corner:
Man, some of you were really stretching to try and find Asian superheros. Let's cover some of the more popular choices:

Sunfire: Nope. He was only a "hero" for about three issues of the X-Men. The entire rest of his career has been spent blowing up Stark International and trying to kill Iron Man.

Silver Samurai: Another bad guy. Villians don't count. There are TONS of Asian bad-guys.

Jubilee: Bad dog, no cookie. She doesn't look, act, talk, smell, or drive Asian. It's like claiming I'm British , just because I have a vaguely British last name.

Psychlocke: You're joking, right?

Shang Chi, Master of Kung Fu: Okay, no offense, but isn't this a lot like having a Black hero called "Mandingo Mohammed, Master of Break Dancing", or a white hero named "Cracker McWhitey: Grand Dragon of Kingdom Klan"? OMG, RACISM~! But at least I'm didn't mention the Latino superhero: "Chavo Guererro, Master of Milk Stealing". I mean really, Shang Chi has NO super powers, and his one "skill" is Kung Fu. KUNG FU. Nobody that's ever sat through a UFC match believes that Shang Chi would last 30 seconds against Ken Shamrock. This guy isn't a superhero, he's a broad ethnic joke. Where are his eye-beams? His super-hearing? The bozo can't even FLY, I say PHOOEY on your Shang Chi! (Speaking of which, Hong Kong Phooey is more of a super hero than Shang Chi. Take THAT Shang Chi fans!)

Iron Fist: Just had to include this one, because it's proof-positive that knowing "Kung Fu" is so stereotypically Asian that people will assume a "Kung Fu" superhero is oriental, even when he's not. Iron Fist, aka Daniel Rand, was just about the blondest, whitest superhero since Cracker McWhitey. But people still listed him, apparently because "he knows Kung Fu". In other news: Keanu Reeves isn't Asian either.

But this leads me to this week's comic related triva question: Who has the Lamest Super Power?
My suggestions:
Aquaman, for reasons that speak for themselves.
Preacher. The guy's super power can be foiled by putting your hands over your ears. Is there anything Jesse can do that a mugger with a gun couldn't do better?
Batman/Captain America. In real life, they'd BOTH lose to Ken Shamrock. Cap's super power is apparently "being insufferable." Batman's power consists of avoid arrest for pedophilia.


Kyle Maxwell has been writing wrestling commentary for most of this century. His credits include being mistaken for Triple H by his legions of ELITE~! followers. Kyle wishes you to know that he has never once been sued by Netcop Software. 

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