It's been a few weeks since last we chatted. Hell, it's been a few MONTHS. I appreciate everyone that's written to ask when the next column was coming out. I especially appreciate Jeb Lund's eMail, considering that he wasted no time trying to rob the grave of my "Commenting on the newsboards" routine faster than you can say 'gimmick infringement.'. *evil grin* It's okay Jeb, I still love ya.

Now, many of you have been anxiously awaiting my promised "Anti-Smarkies", wherein I quote the GOOD things around the boards. And you're no doubt waiting for the SmartMarks rebuttal I promised you. For those of you waiting expectantly for those features, I have one thing to say:

IN YOUR FREAKING DREAMS.

There will be NO "Good Smarkies" for you. There will be NO "SmartMarks Rebuttal". (At least not this week.) In fact, to quote "Star Trek, the Undiscovered Country": THERE WILL BE NO PEACE WHILE KIRK LIVES.

In this case, "Kirk" is that paragon of online journalism, Wade Keller. You know, the guy that runs the Torch. But before I viciously attack him further, let's have a joke to lighten the mood. "What's the difference between Wade Keller and the Hindenburg?" Answer: "One's a flaming Nazi gasbag, and the other is a blimp." Drumroll. Rimshot.

I was all ready to pour Peace and Love out upon the Internet Wrestling Community. Aside from the ever-annoying "Uncle T" and "BJ Bethel" at the Torch, the vast majority of NWW's (Net Wresslin' Writers) have been remarkably well-behaved as of late. Derek Burgan, for instance, is rapidly becoming the third best (who isn't Me) NWW on the Net. It's a shame Keller censors him so heavily- living proof that the Torch has a strict "Bullshit Only" policy firmly in place. Tim Stein is a rarity- a NWW that actually uses his brain. And James Guttman is proof that a person can have totally different opinions than me and STILL be a great, great writer. :) (If you want to read a sane, rational critique of the WWE, read James.)

So, with great joy in my heart, I sat out to compose a list of the best, brightest, SMARTEST things written on the web. And that's why it's been a couple months since last you read me. Silliness is easy to find, sanity is rare.

But then, just as I was about to renounce my Smark Bashing ways and bestow Love and Goodness on you all... I read Wade "no redeeming qualities whatsoever" Keller's latest... uh, I'm not sure what to call it. "Flaming Moose Turd". Yes, there's a good phrase. I read his latest Flaming Moose Turd. And now all must suffer.

First, some back story. Jim Ross has recently stated that he's no longer doing the Ross Report. Listed among his reasons was the fact that certain people *cough*Wade Keller*cough* have devoted their sorry little lives to fabricating entire novels from his most innocent statements.

So, what does Keller IMMEDIATELY do? You guessed it. He devotes an entire pea-brained column to telling us all why J.R. is REALLY quitting the Ross Report. But that's not the best part. The best part still awaits us. Are you ready? Can you guess what Wade Keller, the man who thinks interviewing a homeless Sean Waltman gives him Wrestling Cred, chose to blame for the termination of the Ross Report? You won't believe it. I mean, it's right there in black and white, and even *I* don't believe it.

Triple Boogeyman H.

I told you that you wouldn't believe me. Now, some of you don't like Triple H. That's fine. But I cannot believe that even the craziest, stupidest, most in-bred, sister-lovin' mongoloid cross-eyed ONE of you would actually go so far as to blame Triple H for the fact that Jim Ross doesn't want to write the Ross Report. Hell, even Melzter wouldn't believe something like that. Even Scott Keith, who devoted most of his last article to fantasies about Triple H's penis- even HE wouldn't believe something like that.

So, in the spirit of the Smarkies, let's look at Jim Ross vs Wade Keller!

A good reason, Jim, but it ain't sellin' Newsletters for Wade Keller, now is it?
The primary reason for my ceasing writing this column is twofold. First, my lack of time to properly devote to the Ross Report due to my many other responsibilities for WWE is the major reason."
-Jim Ross, the Ross Report

In other news, Rikishi may be a space alien.
"Now, Hunter is the top dog. Hunter is not Ross's friend. In fact, Triple H may be Ross's top adversary within the power structure. "
-Wade Keller, explaining what Ross really meant.

Yeah, right, like Internet Hacks would ever do something like that!
"it seemed like the column oftentimes took on a life of its own, with many often writing about what "J.R. really was saying."
-Jim Ross, the Ross Report

Actually Wade, it sounds like what he 'didn't enjoy' was being misrepresent on a weekly basis by guys like you.
"I can't imagine Ross enjoyed juggling the desire to please the massive egos of top stars such as Triple H"
-Wade Keller, writing about what "J.R. Really was saying".

How he got the idea that some people are never satisfied I'll never know.
"Damned if you do, damned if you don't."
-Jim Ross, the Ross Report

No Wade, what he's saying is that he couldn't write anything without YOU thinking he was saying something negative.
"He couldn't write anything without someone thinking he was saying something about them... negative."
-Wade Keller, Omniscient Omnigod
(Actually, what Ross wrote was that he couldn't "omit" anyone without it being seen as a negative. But God Forbid that Wade Keller should even manage to get a simple quote right.)

That's not what Wade says.
"My goal was always to be honest and up front and to provide a unique perspective of WWE"
-Jim Ross

That's not what Ross says.
"He (Jim Ross) sometimes had to outright lie"
-Psychic Hotline operator Wade Keller, telling us J.R.'s exact thoughts and motivations.

Basically, the thing that pisses me off the most about Wade's... what were we calling it? Oh yeah, "Flaming Moose Turd" is that it's so incredibly arrogant, hypocritical, and blind to it's own irony. If anyone was actually "to blame" for the demise of the Ross Report, it's guys like Wade Keller. What's even more hypocritical is how Wade pretends as though maybe he wants GOOD things to happen for the WWE, despite the fact that he spends 24/7 trying to tear them down.

I swear, if I have to read one more infantile article by some clueless Torch loser telling us how horrible the WWE has been this year, I'm gonna scream. Look, the WWE has done things right all year long. Want proof? They're still in business. That's more than you can say about ECW or WCW. And that's not even counting Blink and You Miss Em' companies like those guys Bret Hart was fronting for a while. And TNA sure hasn't been setting any records, that's for damn sure.

Wrestling fans remind me of a guy walking onto a battlefield, stepping on the dead bodies, and walking up to the only soldier left alive on the field and shouting "YOU FUCKING SUCK!" while bayoneting him in the groin. No wonder Ross took his ball and went home.

Next time: Who knows? I've given up trying to guess what I'll do next. I may investigate the persistant rumor that someone I've never heard of called "The Scotsman" is attempting to have a net feud with me. But that would require that I descend to the level of personal insult, and while that might be fine for someone of his breeding, it certainly wouldn't suit the lofty style in which I choose to conduct the Smarkies.

Oh, in parting, let's leave on a happy note: The Best and Worst of Scott Keith!

Now THERE'S a promise I'm willing to make.
"Let us not speak of this show, or Al Wilson’s genitalia, ever again."
-Scott Keith, whose words are as true now as they were 10,000 years ago.

Because stating the obvious fact that there will be no nudity on national television CLEARLY makes her a Heel.
" Elsewhere, Stephanie meets up with Dawn Marie backstage, but has a problem with all the nudity. She promises repercussions. Back to a heel again, I guess. "
-Scott Keith, whose words are as incomprehensible now as they were 10,000 yeas ago.